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New Phone Who Dis
You Can't Handle the Booth! is an episode of Family Guy.

Synopsis

In another self aware, meta commentating, fourth wall breaking episode of Family Guy, Lois discovers she's actually Peter's second wife.

Plot

Recording Booth
During the recording of a DVD commentary for an episode of Family Guy, they happen to hand out paychecks where Lois discovers that Peter makes significantly more than she does due to paying alimony to his ex-wife Sarah Paulson. Sarah arrives and joins in on the commentary, which breaks down into bickering and results in Lois revealing that Philip Seymour Hoffman could possibly be Chris' father, quitting the show and leaving Peter.

Trying to carry on the commentary, they wonder if Lois will return when they are joined by Seth MacFarlane and the actual cast who reveals that they are all just characters that are performed and not real at all.

Griffins Stuck in Bannister
Meanwhile, the episode being commentated on features everyone in the family getting new phones, which only start distracting them from their daily lives. Lois takes note of this, but when the family's obsession with their phones lead to them almost dying from an evil Jesus attack in church, that's the final straw. Lois takes everyone's phones away and takes the family to an Amish county, to show everyone what life is like, without technology. Peter fakes sick to get out of this, but while at home, he gets his head stuck in the banister.

Immobilized, Peter is unable to stop the house from getting robbed and without a phone, he can't call the police for help. Later, Quagmire comes by with a saw and sets him free. After this, Peter and the family learn that phones are important after all.

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Quotes

Brian: For you kids out there, DVDs were plastic dics ...
Stewie: I ... I got this, Brian. Have you ever been at your grandmother's house, and you look at her weird old computer and there's like a crack on the side of it? That's DVDs.

Peter: [in the episode] Great news everyone, the new smartphone from Crabapple is out.
Chris: [in the episode] The new Crabapple phone!? Awesome!
Lois: [in the commentary] Yeah, the network doesn't like us using the names of actual companies on the show.
Peter: [in the commentary] It's not to bad though. We can still say Burger Kong, McDarryl's, CockyCola, Poopsy, Chevrolump, Carvix, and all the big ones.
Meg: [in the commentary] I never got Carvix.
Chris: [in the commentary] Yeah, me neither. What is that?
Stewie [in the commentary] It's a parody on Volvo.
Meg: [in the commentary] And how is Carvix a parody on Volvo?
Stewie: [in the commentary] You know what "Volvo" is one letter off from sounding like, right?
Meg: [in the commentary] Yeah?
Chris: [in the commentary] I think we've all heard that joke before.
Stewie: [in the commentary] So, "Carvix" is one letter off from ...
[pause]
Chris: [in the commentary] Oooooohhhh my God!
Meg: [in the commentary] Ooooohhhh! I get it now!
Chris: [in the commentary] Wow.
Brian: [in the commentary] Yeah, I think we might have gone too subtle on that one.

[A woman with short hair brothers Peter, while he's reading]
Peter: Sir, I am trying to read.

[Meg takes a long time to figure out an obvious joke]
Meg: Oh my Gosh! I just got it. Crab Apple.
Stewie: Take a lap, Meg. Think about what you said.

Chris: [in the episode] She wanted it more than me.
Chris: [in the commentary] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Stewie: [in the commentary] Take it easy.

Chris: Is that my bottle of water?
Brian: Wha ... What?
Chris: That open bottle, is that yours or mine?
Brian: I ... I ... I don't know. Maybe yours?
Chris: THIS IS WHY WE NEED A SHARPIE IN HERE TO PUT OUR NAMES ON OUR WATER!!!

Meg: You know, for an extra $12 a month, you can ensure your screen and they'll replace it for free.
Peter: [sigh] Nice going, Meg. You talked over the setup of this cutaway and now we don't know what's going on.
Brian: Looks like Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, and Madonna are robbing a bank.
Chris: Um, they're butt bandits?
Stewie: Ocean's 36-24-49?
Lois: Oh, I remember! They're all skanks! Getting new phones was a worse idea than a skank robbery!
Chris: Oh, yeah.
Peter: Right, skank robbery.
Stewie: I'm sorry, that's not funny.

Tom: What's going on in there, Ollie.
Ollie: He came back!
Tom: How is he?
Ollie: Mad!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie.

Quagmire: How 'bout if you pretend to be sick?
Peter: You want me to lie? But isn't that a sin?
Cleveland: Peter, there is no church to return to. It was destroyed by Jesus in a ball of fire!
Joe: Yeah, why's there no follow up on that story?
Cleveland: Because this is a godless show.

[Peter gets his head stuck in the banister slats]
Peter: [in the episode] [grunts] Uh-oh. I think I'm stuck.
Stewie: [in the commentary] Oh, right, this is where the fat man got stuck in the banister slats.
Brian: [in the commentary] Stewie, I'm gonna give you another crack at that, because I believe what you meant to call them was "baluster slats," not "banister slats.
Stewie: [in the commentary] "Banister," "baluster." Same thing.
Brian: [in the commentary] [chuckles] Stewie, "banister" and "baluster" are hardly the same things. A banister is the handrail that sits atop the upright supports. A baluster is the supporting structure itself.
Sarah: [in the commentary] Is this my water?
Chris: [in the commentary] No, it is not!
Stewie: [in the commentary] Brian, I've heard people say "banister slats".
Brian: [in the commentary] Well, those people, like you, would be incorrect.
Stewie: [in the commentary] So, the baluster is that big, round thing at the bottom of the stairs - where the staircase begins?
Brian: [in the commentary] "Big, round thing"? [chuckles] You're you're just guessing stuff now. I believe what you're referring to is a newel post.

Lois: Here it is, kids. Look around you. It's the town where Klansmen used to hang people.
Chris: Well, that's not historically accurate.

Sarah Paulson: Oh, you guys are back just in time for my big role.
Lois Yeah, take it down a notch, Sarah. You don't even have an entry on the Family Guy Wiki. Even Gronk's dad has one.

[Peter gets his head stuck in the banister slats]
Peter: [in the episode] If only I could bend these bars, to set my head free. Hey, Bender, could you bend these bars for me?
[Camera zooms out, showing Bender, lounging on the couch and watching TV]
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
Lois: [in the commentary] Here's an interesting fact. It cost us $4,000 to hire that actor. $4,000. It was only for a two second long cameo and it had no purpose in the storyline, but Peter insisted on hiring him.
Peter: [in the commentary] Hey, but it was worth every penny, wasn't it?
Lois: [in the commentary] No.
Brian: [in the commentary] No, it wasn't.
Meg: [in the commentary] Yeah, I agree with mom. Why'd you waste all that money on Bender?
Peter: [in the commentary] It was for a joke! Come on!
Meg: [in the commentary] Not a very good one.
Peter: [in the commentary] Not a very go-IT'S BENDER FROM FUTURAMA!
Meg: [in the commentary] I know, but he didn't do anything funny.
Lois: [in the commentary] Yeah, he uses that catchphrase in every episode.
Peter: [in the commentary] IT'S A REFERENCE YOU IDIOTS! THE JOKE IS THAT SOMETHING YOU'D USUALLY SEE IN THAT SHOW, MADE AN APPEARANCE IN THIS SHOW!
Lois: [in the commentary] That's not funny.
Brian: [in the commentary] Yeah, I can't just take Bugs Bunny and have him walk past the camera, saying "What's up, Doc?" and call it a joke. It has to serve some kind of purpose.
Peter: [in the commentary] THIS SERVED A PURPOSE! BENDER IS A ROBOT THAT BENDS BARS, TO HELP PEOPLE! I WAS TRAPPED IN BETWEEN TWO BARS! I NEEDED HELP! BENDER MADE A CAMEO! HOW! DO! YOU! NOT! GET! THE! CONNECTION!?
Lois: [in the commentary] I get the connection. It's just not funny.
Meg: [in the commentary] And what's even less funny is that it left a horrifyingly massive dent in our budget.
Peter: [in the commentary] Shut up, Meg.

[In the episode, Peter sings Halfway Down the Stairs]
Lois: What the hell is this?
Peter: I'll tell you what it is. An homage to a classing song from The Muppet Show, sung by Kermit's nephew, Robin.
Lois: I guarantee, nobody got that.
Sarah Paulson: I know this song!
Lois: Oh, shut up, Sarah!

Lois: Are there even any jokes in the song?
Peter: Do you not understand comedy? It's a reference! The joke is I'm singing it!

Peter: Well, if we're being honest, Lois, you're really bad at having sex, when I'm drunk. It's like you don't even enjoy it.
Lois: Peter, you've never had sex with me, drunk!
Peter: Wha?
Lois: Every time you've had sex with me, you've been sober! What are you talking about, when you say "I don't enjoy your drunken sex"?
Peter: Oh ...
Lois: "Oh", what? Wha-what are you talking about?
Peter: I uh ... I think I might know why quote on quote "you" don't enjoy our drunken sex.
Chris: Does "quote on quote" mom do a lot of kicking and screaming when you have drunken sex with her?
Peter: And saying "get off of me" and "help police" and-
Lois: Oh my God! YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU CAN'T EVEN STAY COMMITTED TO ME, SEXUALLY!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Brian: Peter, how many times have you done that? What you're doing is illegal.
Peter: Hey, if consent is more than just saying "Yes", than refusal is more than just saying "No".
Lois: You're impossible!

Chris: By the way, it's "quote unquote" not "quote on quote".
Peter: What?
Chris: It's "quote-
Peter: Chris, quit being a grammar nazi.
Brian: Actually, I was gunna say the same thing, Peter. A lot of people get that wrong. It's so annoying.
Lois: Well, what do you expect from him? He's an idiot.
Peter: Everybody shut up! "Quote on Quote" or "Quote Unquote!" What the hell does it matter!? You think it's improper English? Well, guess what? I could care less.
Chris: [sigh]
Brian: You heard it too right?
Chris: Yeah, I heard it too.

[Chris hears that he might possibly be the son of Philip Seymour Hoffman]
Chris: Yay, I'm a bastard!

Meg: I'm bored. We've been here for hours.
Lois: I know what do to! Let's tell a one-word story. I'll start. The.
Chris: The.
Lois: No, Chris. Don't repeat what I say. You're supposed to continue the story.
Chris: Uh, ... okay?
Lois: I said, "the" now you say a word.
Chris: A word.
Lois: No, not a word. "The (word)".
Chris: The word.
Lois: No, Chris! I started with the and you say something else! Something that follows the word and fits the sentence! It can only be one word!
Chris: Something else. Something that follows the word and fits the-
Lois: NO!
Meg: Should we just go around the other way? Maybe Chris will get it after he sees everyone else doing it.
Lois: Okay, Meg. You start. Say a word.
Meg: The.
Peter: Boy, I'm lost. This story's just gotten so confusing and I don't know what's going on anymore.
Chris: Dad's winning!

Sarah Paulson: This scene reminds me of the time I was being honored at the Kennedy Center.
Lois: OH, BOLOGNA SANDWICH, SARAH! BOLOGNA SANDWICH!

[Quagmire rocks back and forth in an unstable rocking chair and Joe's wheelchair breaks]
Cleveland: Well, that was unexpected.

Brian: Welcome back to the DVD commentary episode. If you're just joining us, Lois has stormed out and announced that she's quitting the show, after learning that Peter and Sarah Paulson were once married.
Meg: She also said Chris' dad might be Philip Seymor Hoffman.
Brian: More like See-Less Hoffman, these days, right?
Stewie: Hey, Patrick? Can we edit that out?
Patrick: Yeah.
Stewie: Okay, good. Let's do that.

Seth MacFarlane: Hi, sorry to interrupt, Seth MacFarlane.
Peter: Holy crap, it's the mouse from Sing! I recognize your voice anywhere!

Meg: Okay, question. Why is the girl who voices me super hot and I'm not?

Seth MacFarlane: You should all be thankful you're animated characters. Peter, you can drink as much as you want and nothing bad will ever happen. Lois, you haven't aged in decades. Stewie, you get to travel through time and do things no baby could ever do, and Brian, you've had sex with more hot women than a real dog could ever reasonably expect. Meg, I'll admit, you got the shaft. Your actual life is better than your cartoon life.

Joe: Let's keep it on the banister.
Quagmire: Joe, it's called the "baluster".
Joe: I could care less.

Peter: Okay, thanks for watching this outmoded form of entertainment. Now, let's all go around the horn and say what our favorite part of the episode was. Chris?
Chris: Pass.
Peter: Meg?
Meg: Don't care.
Peter: Okay, Stewie's asleep and I can see Brian driving away in his car and just so you know, he doesn't drive a Prius, like you see on the show. He actually drives a white convertible Mercedes. Basically, the car a lady realtor would drive. Uhp, animation producer Shannon Smith, I see, you're still here. You wanna say something?
Shannon Smith: Thanks, Peter. Actually, ...
Peter: Uhp, Fuzzy Door. Bye.

Trivia

  • This episode is portrayed as a DVD commentary on the fictional episode, "New Phone, Who Dis?". The episode in question doesn't actually exist, at least not entirely. The episode is fully produced, but it was never aired on it's own. It's probably not important though, as everything in the episode they talk over is either something you can figure out on your own, based on context. For instance, the family talks over the bit where Abraham Lincoln delivers The Gettysburg Address, but we don't even need the sound, because we already know what The Gettysburg Address is, so we know everything he was saying.
  • This is another behind-the-scenes fourth wall breaking episode of Family Guy and the second episode to do this. The first was the show's 300th episode special, "Inside Family Guy".
  • Peter reveals that although the show is set in Quahog, Rhode Island, it's actually filmed in Burbank, California.
  • Stewie pokes fun at Cherry Chevaprovatadumrong, once again.
  • Chris has a habit of laughing uncontrollably at his own jokes, when he watches them on TV.
  • It's revealed that Peter used to be married to Sarah Paulson, before he was married to Lois. Coincidentally, Lois had sex with Phillip Seymour Hoffman, sometime before 1996, which quite possibly led to the birth of Chris. Whether or not Chris' real father is Phillip or Peter is still up for dispute.
  • Everything Brian says about Bannister posts is wrong.
  • The voice actors of all the members of The Griffin Family appear in the audio commentary and The Griffin Family learns that they're all fictional.
  • It's revealed that the real Brian doesn't actually drive a Prius like he does in the show. He drives a white convertible Mercedes.
  • The fictional episode, "New Phone, Who Dis?", was eventually aired in Season 18, now in it's purest form, with the audio commentary taken out.
  • This episode features the Holy Christ Church getting burned down. Coincidentally, this episode would happen to premiere three weeks and one day before the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris burned down on April 15th, 2019.

Cultural References

  • The title is a pun on the quote "You Can't Handle the Truth!" from the movie, "A Few Good Men".
  • Peter brings up the 1940's Western film, "The Ox-Bow Incident".
  • The scene with Winona Ryder making distracting faces, while Abraham Lincoln delivers his famous speech, The Gettysburg Address, is a reference to an instance at the 2017 SAG Awards, where David Harbour made his acceptance speech and Winona Ryder made a bunch of ridiculous faces in the background, completely detracting from everything.
  • This episode features Abraham Lincoln making his famous speech, The Gettysburg Address.
  • Lois mentions that on the one day, Winona Ryder was on the set of the show, she pocketed a bunch of Luna Bars from the break room.
  • Crabapple phones are a bland-name parody on Apple phones.
  • Other bland-name parodies include "Burger Kong", (Burger King), "McDarryl's" (McDonald's), "CockyCola" (CocaCola), "Poopsy" (Pepsi), "Chevrolump", (Chevrolump), and "Carvix" (Volvo).
  • Stewie gives personal facts on all the writers in the opening credits of the show.
  • Stewie says that Mark Ruffalo's Twitter is stupidly serious and oddly sweatshop satire centric.
  • Stewie says Ocean's 36-24-49, a reference to the Ocean's series, with movie titles that are usually "Ocean's" and then a number, like "Ocean's 11", "Ocean's 12", and "Ocean's 13". I have no idea what the numbers refer to. I'd say their ages, but even during the production of the episode, I don't think these number very well coincide with any of their real ages.
  • Father Bob was harassed by the "Spotlight Team" from the movie, "Spotlight", a news reporting team that investigates pedophilia in Catholic priests.
  • Father Bob has a bunch of Tootsie Pops.
  • Meg eats a Snickers bar.
  • Lois says she'll be calling "FOX or Disney" to complain. This is a reference to the then-recent event of Disney buying FOX.
  • The hold music for FOX or Disney hotlines is the theme song of The Simpsons.
  • Lois takes the family to Old Sturbridge Village.
  • The movie "Alien vs. Predator vs. O.J. Simpson" is a parody on "Alien vs. Predator", and references to The O.J. Simpson Trial.
  • Sarah Paulson insults Lois on her show not winning an Emmy.
  • Stewie says that he won a surfboard at the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards.
  • Peter says that staying home from work is a better scam than Ferris Bueller's Day On, a parody on "Ferris Bueller's Day Off".
  • Lois says that Sarah Paulson doesn't have an entry on the Family Guy Wiki. This is not true, we do have a page for Sarah Paulson, and we've always had one since June 29th, 2018. Although this episode was probably produced before then, so it's understandable that she'd say this.
  • Peter sings the song, "Halfway Down the Stairs", sung by Robin the Frog in "The Muppet Show".
  • Lois had sex with Phillip Seymour Hoffman, during the filming of the movie, "Twister".
  • The Griffin Family was trapped in the game, Trouble.
  • The robbers buy a karaoke machine from Amazon, using Brian's account.
  • Peter recognizes Seth MacFarlane as the mouse from Sing.
  • Peter mentions a fat nerd who pretends to be him at Comic Con.
    • This could possibly be a reference to Robert Franzese, a guy who's known for being "The Real Life Peter Griffin" at comic cons and on YouTube. [1] [2] Seth MacFarlance, himself even tweeted about him, so you know he's talking about him. [3]
  • Lois uses Siri to call a carpenter, but it misinterprets her and plays music by "The Carpenters" and looks up John Carpenter's Wikipedia page.
    • Siri later jokes that Andy Cohen is gay, when Peter tries to get it to call a "wood worker".
  • Chris recognizes Seth Green as the creator of "Robot Chicken".
  • Lois recognizes Alex Borstein from her role on "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel".
  • Seth MacFarlane doesn't want the people from "American Dad!" to see him.
  • Sarah Paulson's character mentions something about Swedish people immigrating to America, during The Great Depression and bringing with them German aphids.

Continuity

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