Veteran Guy
Veteran Guy is an episode of Family Guy.


Peter's punishment for pretending to be a veteran is to join the army and do all the things in real life that he lied about doing before.




Major Roles

Minor Roles


Peter: Ah, the Aiwa double-tape deck. The Waldorf and Statler of every thrift store.
[The double tape compartments open and close, like they're talking]
Waldorf: Sheesh. Everything at this store is an old, outdated piece of junk.
Statler: Yeah. They're perfect for these customers.

Peter: Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia.

[The Brown-Tubbs Family walks into the Quahog Thrift Store and spots The Griffin Family]
Cleveland: Oh, crap! People we know! You know the drill.
[The Brown-Tubbs Family takes off all their clothes and Cleveland gives them to the cashier]
Cleveland: We're donating. Not buying. [chuckles] Just doing our part to give back to the community. [to the cashier] I'm gunna go wait in the alley. Could you just ball them up and throw them out the window?

[Cleveland is wearing Roberta's tube top]
Quagmire: Cleveland, what the hell are you wearing?
Cleveland: The store cashier must have lost my mustard yellow shirt.
[Peter enters, wearing his veteran hat]
Quagmire: Aaaand here comes another one.

Peter: This is why I serve.
Eric Dane: You were on The U.S.S. Nathan James?
Peter: Yes, sir! Boats. Military. Sir.
Eric Dane: The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on The Last Ship.
Peter: What? No. No, this is real. That show must just be based off of this.
Eric Dane: Uh, no it's not. The Last Ship is a show based off of a fictional novel, featuring completely made-up characters and situations.
Quagmire: And how would you know all this?
Eric Dane: Excuse me, stewardess! These guys aren't really vets! They're imposters!
Stewardess: You mean they weren't really on The Nathan James?
Eric Dane: Hell no! That's a fictional boat from a fictional show on TNT, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims ... and Eric Dane.
Cleveland: Uh-oh.
Quagmire: That's how he knows all this.

[Some overhead bins imitate Waldorf and Statler]

Ida: You made a mockery of our whole family, Glenn! Now everywhere I go, it's like people are staring at me and whispering!

Judge Blackman: In view of your long service to comedy, I'm willing to offer a deal.
Cleveland: What kind of deal?
Judge Blackman: I'll wave the charges, but only on the condition that like your friend, Quagmire, you men enlist in the military for real. You three have the join The Marines!
[Everybody gasps, except Quagmire]
Peter: [horrified] Oh my God! We could be killed! Please no!
Quagmire: Uh, your honor? It's actually The Navy that I was part of.
Judge Blackman: I ... What's the difference?
Quagmire: The Navy is the one in the water. The Marines is the one in the air above the water.
Judge Blackman: Oh. I see. Scratch that! You three have to join The Navy!
[Everybody gasps, except Quagmire]
Peter: [horrified] Oh my God! We could be killed! Please no!
Judge Blackman: Alright, how 'bout The Coast Guard?
Peter: Yeah, that's fine.

Ida: Glenn, if you were half the man I used to be, you'd stand up and join them.

Floyd: Good morning, recruits. Welcome to The Coast Guard.
Quagmire: Sir, when do we report for basic training, sir?
Floyd: Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff? This is just the coast guard. You can just call me Floyd Ridges.

Floyd: Raise your right hand as I recite The Coast Guard pledge. When you're here, you're family.
Joe: Isn't that the slogan for-

Cleveland: Spring break on the land not the water not the air above the water!

Chris: Wait, dad. Before you go. Can you teach me how to shave?
Peter: Well, for starters, bub. That's supposed to be on your pubes. You got a secret inch hiding under there.
Chris: This is what I'll be missing.

[Car honks outside]
Peter: Well, that's an unrelated car honking, but I'm gunna go now.

Joe: Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where all the art in all the dentists offices come from.

The Sub-Mariner: I told you guys, I'm not Aquaman. I am The Sub-Mariner.
Joe: What's your deal?
The Sub-Mariner: I'm just like Aquaman, but I can't get fish to do things.
Cleveland: That's the big thing!
Peter: Isn't that all Aquaman does?
The Sub-Mariner: No.
Joe: Yeah, that's like saying I'm like Spiderman, just without the spider powers.
The Sub-Mariner: No! He can also breathe underwater and he's strong like me!
Joe: Isn't everyone strong in the superhero universe?
Cleveland: Yeah, especially underwater. A regular human being is strong underwater.
The Sub-Mariner: No! No! Not like me! I can punch a big octopus a really long way!
Peter: That's not very nice.
The Sub-Mariner: An EVIL octopus!
Peter: Still, punching is a generic attack.
Cleveland: Aquaman could just mind-control the octopus into being good.
Peter: Now, that's creative. You should be more like Aquaman.
[Aquaman enters]
Aquaman: Hey, guys! Now, I'm no master of marco polo, but when I was underwater, I think I hear someone call my name!
[Peter, Joe, and Cleveland cheer for Aquaman]
Peter: Aquaman, we were just talking to your less-successful Marvel clone.
Aquaman: Yuck. Marvel.
Peter: I know, right?
Cleveland: Hey, make a fish do something!
Aquaman: Aw, shucks, guys. I don't know. I guess I could do something like ... this!
[Aquaman controls a bunch of sea creatures to do something really cool]
Peter: Wow. A real superhero. Isn't it cool to see one here, The Sub-Mariner?
The Sub-Mariner: I ... I have little wings on my feet!
Peter: Uh, it-it, it shh, shh, kay? It's over. It's over.

Evil Frat Boy #1: Are we ready to attack!?
Evil Frat Boy #2: We are! And many people will die!
Peter: Oh no! Those evil frat boys are planning to kill spring break! And they only had time to record two lines of dialogue!
Evil Frat Boy #1: Are we ready to attack!?
Evil Frat Boy #2: We are! And many people will die!

Joe: Peter, we are now literally standing on the boat. That's ho-
Cleveand: That's a poor choice of words for you, Joe.
Joe: That's, [sigh], that's how close we are.

Evil Frat Boy #2: Too bad about the bomb!
Cleveland: Bomb!?
Evil Frat Boy #2: Yep, right here on the boat. Soon, you will all do the foamy dance of death!
Evil Frat Boy #1: We are and many people will die!
Peter: He just says that one thing.

Joe: Alright, frat boy, talk. I know you've recorded more dialogue.
Evil Frat Boy #2: Um, ... Are you ready to attack?
Joe: Aha! Before it was "are we ready to attack!"
Evil Frat Boy #2: Dammit.
Joe: Just cough it up. Where's the bomb?
Evil Frat Boy #2: You're wasting your time. The bomb will activate once the floor stops vibrating.
Evil Frat Boy #1: And many people will die!


Deleted Scenes

  • Alternate take on the Aiwa double-tape deck Waldorf and Statler joke.
  • Stewie wearing the pants from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
  • Peter saying that it's a good idea to put on stranger's hats.
  • Chris Collinsworth thanking Peter for being a veteran.
  • Cutaway of Peter buying a bottle of Newman's Own.
  • Kenny Loggins watching Family Guy with his daughter and an underage sex partner.
  • Alternate ending of Peter's YouTube video of him reuniting with Christian the Lion, where he says he has a homosexual partner as opposed to the lion clawing him to death.
  • Alternate take on the overhead bins Waldolf and Statler joke.
  • A court case, regarding the movie Ted 2.
  • A Roman crucifying Jesus Christ on his first day on the job.
  • Cutaway showing a literal metaphor of "a knead the dough basis".
  • The Beer Bar Buddies practicing doing double takes of seeing a bikini woman.
  • Peter having an awkward fave time conversation with Lois.
  • Chris Collinsworth returning for another gag.
  • Joe suggesting that he, Peter, and Cleveland urinate together in public.
  • Peter saying that they haven't found a day to visit the Epcot center.
  • Three cutaway gags to The Beer Bar Buddies eating at The Olive Garden and a callback from Quagmire.
  • Cleveland pulling off a Leroy Jenkins, while Peter and Joe try to make up a plan.
  • Video Game cutaway gag of Peter, Cleveland, and Joe fighting the evil frat boys.
  • Peter reminding Quagmire that he wrote gay stuff on a boat.
  • Peter mentioning the Epcot center again.
  • Alternate ending, where Quagmire saves Peter from the explosive jet ski with a hydraulic grapple wench.
  • Post-credits scene, where Peter calls everyone on the coast guard a bisexual.
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