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Veteran Guy

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Veteran Guy
Season 15, Episode 10
Air date November 6, 2016
Episode Guide
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Veteran Guy is the 10th episode of the fifteenth season of Family Guy. It is the 354th episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

The Beer Bar Buddies pretend to be veterans, resulting in them getting punished and sentenced to join the army and do all the things in real life that they lied about doing before.

Plot[]

When Peter gets special attention after putting on a naval ball cap he finds at a thrift store, he buys more for the guys and convinces reluctant navel vet Quagmire to join in with them. But when star of The Last Ship Eric Dane points out their caps bear the fictitious ship from the show, they are arrested for stolen valor, except for Quagmire. As punishment, they are sentenced to join the marines but manage to get it reduced to service in the coast guard out of Fort Lauderdale during spring break, with Quagmire joining in with them at the urging of Ida. He tries to lead a good example of professionalism, but the guys just want to treat it as a joke so he quits in frustration.

After he leaves, they overhear some "disturbed" college frat boys planning an attack and later find out they plan on bombing a booze cruise. The guys board but find themselves outmatched until Quagmire arrives with a machine gun from the coast guard ship. They are taunted by one of the "mentally ill" youths that they won't be able to find the bomb in the foam on the ship, but Peter succeeds and tries to send it away on a jet ski that he liberated earlier, only to have it return to him. Quagmire uses a grappling crane on the coast guard ship to send it further away where it explodes harmlessly. As he starts to use an oft-repeated tag line from the Olive Garden which leads to a cutaway gag of them gorging on spaghetti, he is shot by Cleveland who is sick of the pasta.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

Peter: Ah, the Aiwa double-tape deck. The Waldorf and Statler of every thrift store.
[The double tape compartments open and close, like they're talking]
Waldorf: Sheesh. Everything at this store is an old, outdated piece of junk.
Statler: Yeah. They're perfect for these customers.
Peter: Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia.
[The Brown-Tubbs Family walks into the Quahog Thrift Store and spots The Griffin Family]
Cleveland: Oh, crap! People we know! You know the drill.
[The Brown-Tubbs Family takes off all their clothes and Cleveland gives them to the cashier]
Cleveland: We're donating. Not buying. [chuckles] Just doing our part to give back to the community. [to the cashier] I'm gunna go wait in the alley. Could you just ball them up and throw them out the window?
[Cleveland is wearing Roberta's tube top]
Quagmire: Cleveland, what the hell are you wearing?
Cleveland: The store cashier must have lost my mustard yellow shirt.
[Peter enters, wearing his veteran hat]
Quagmire: Aaaand here comes another one.
Peter: This is why I serve.
Eric Dane: You were on The U.S.S. Nathan James?
Peter: Yes, sir! Boats. Military. Sir.
Eric Dane: The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on The Last Ship.
Peter: What? No. No, this is real. That show must just be based off of this.
Eric Dane: Uh, no it's not. The Last Ship is a show based off of a fictional novel, featuring completely made-up characters and situations.
Quagmire: And how would you know all this?
Eric Dane: Excuse me, stewardess! These guys aren't really vets! They're imposters!
Stewardess: You mean they weren't really on The Nathan James?
Eric Dane: Hell no! That's a fictional boat from a fictional show on TNT, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims ... and Eric Dane.
Cleveland: Uh-oh.
Quagmire: That's how he knows all this.
[Some overhead bins imitate Waldorf and Statler]
Waldorf:
Statler:
Ida: You made a mockery of our whole family, Glenn! Now everywhere I go, it's like people are staring at me and whispering!
Judge Blackman: In view of your long service to comedy, I'm willing to offer a deal.
Cleveland: What kind of deal?
Judge Blackman: I'll wave the charges, but only on the condition that like your friend, Quagmire, you men enlist in the military for real. You three have the join The Marines!
[Everybody gasps, except Quagmire]
Peter: [horrified] Oh my God! We could be killed! Please no!
Quagmire: Uh, your honor? It's actually The Navy that I was part of.
Judge Blackman: I ... What's the difference?
Quagmire: The Navy is the one in the water. The Marines is the one in the air above the water.
Judge Blackman: Oh. I see. Scratch that! You three have to join The Navy!
[Everybody gasps, except Quagmire]
Peter: [horrified] Oh my God! We could be killed! Please no!
Judge Blackman: Alright, how 'bout The Coast Guard?
Peter: Yeah, that's fine.
Ida: Glenn, if you were half the man I used to be, you'd stand up and join them.
Floyd: Good morning, recruits. Welcome to The Coast Guard.
Quagmire: Sir, when do we report for basic training, sir?
Floyd: Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff? This is just the coast guard. You can just call me Floyd Ridges.
Floyd: Raise your right hand as I recite The Coast Guard pledge. When you're here, you're family.
Joe: Isn't that the slogan for-
Floyd: WE HAD IT FIRST!
Cleveland: Spring break on the land not the water not the air above the water!
Chris: Wait, dad. Before you go. Can you teach me how to shave?
Peter: Well, for starters, bub. That's supposed to be on your pubes. You got a secret inch hiding under there.
Chris: This is what I'll be missing.
[Car honks outside]
Peter: Well, that's an unrelated car honking, but I'm gunna go now.
Joe: Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where all the art in all the dentists offices come from.
The Sub-Mariner: I told you guys, I'm not Aquaman. I am The Sub-Mariner.
Joe: What's your deal?
The Sub-Mariner: I'm just like Aquaman, but I can't get fish to do things.
Cleveland: That's the big thing!
Peter: Isn't that all Aquaman does?
The Sub-Mariner: No.
Joe: Yeah, that's like saying I'm like Spiderman, just without the spider powers.
The Sub-Mariner: No! He can also breathe underwater and he's strong like me!
Joe: Isn't everyone strong in the superhero universe?
Cleveland: Yeah, especially underwater. A regular human being is strong underwater.
The Sub-Mariner: No! No! Not like me! I can punch a big octopus a really long way!
Peter: That's not very nice.
The Sub-Mariner: An EVIL octopus!
Peter: Still, punching is a generic attack.
Cleveland: Aquaman could just mind-control the octopus into being good.
Peter: Now, that's creative. You should be more like Aquaman.
[Aquaman enters]
Aquaman: Hey, guys! Now, I'm no master of marco polo, but when I was underwater, I think I hear someone call my name!
[Peter, Joe, and Cleveland cheer for Aquaman]
Peter: Aquaman, we were just talking to your less-successful Marvel clone.
Aquaman: Yuck. Marvel.
Peter: I know, right?
Cleveland: Hey, make a fish do something!
Aquaman: Aw, shucks, guys. I don't know. I guess I could do something like ... this!
[Aquaman controls a bunch of sea creatures to do something really cool]
Peter: Wow. A real superhero. Isn't it cool to see one here, The Sub-Mariner?
The Sub-Mariner: I ... I have little wings on my feet!
Peter: Uh, it-it, it shh, shh, kay? It's over. It's over.
Evil Frat Boy #1: Are we ready to attack!?
Evil Frat Boy #2: We are! And many people will die!
Peter: Oh no! Those evil frat boys are planning to kill spring break! And they only had time to record two lines of dialogue!
Evil Frat Boy #1: Are we ready to attack!?
Evil Frat Boy #2: We are! And many people will die!
Joe: Peter, we are now literally standing on the boat. That's ho-
Cleveand: That's a poor choice of words for you, Joe.
Joe: That's, [sigh], that's how close we are.
Evil Frat Boy #2: Too bad about the bomb!
Cleveland: Bomb!?
Evil Frat Boy #2: Yep, right here on the boat. Soon, you will all do the foamy dance of death!
Evil Frat Boy #1: We are and many people will die!
Peter: He just says that one thing.
Joe: Alright, frat boy, talk. I know you've recorded more dialogue.
Evil Frat Boy #2: Um, ... Are you ready to attack?
Joe: Aha! Before it was "are we ready to attack!"
Evil Frat Boy #2: Dammit.
Joe: Just cough it up. Where's the bomb?
Evil Frat Boy #2: You're wasting your time. The bomb will activate once the floor stops vibrating.
Evil Frat Boy #1: And many people will die!

Trivia[]

  • Stewie, Meg, and Brian have no dialogue in this episode.
  • The sunglasses that Peter distributes to the guys play "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins, except for Quagmire's which plays "Playing with the Boys" also by Loggins on the Top Gun soundtrack.
  • Director John Holmquist's name is misspelled in the credits as "Homlquist".
  • The Judge who had been previously unnamed, is given the full name of Judge Dignified Q. Blackman.
  • The trial after Peter, Joe, and Cleveland's is The People vs. Ted 2, the later film directed by Seth MacFarlane.
  • Although he berates the guys for refusing to take the job seriously, Quagmire also expresses the opinion in court that the coast guard is a "joke".

Cultural References[]

  • "Newman’s Own" salad dressings as well as other products, co-founded by late actor Paul Newman, are notable for donating 100% of the after-tax profits to various educational and charitable organizations.[1]
  • The "James J. Buffett Coast Guard Barracks" are a pun on songwriter Jimmy Buffett.
  • "Leeroy Jenkins" takes its name from a World of Warcraft character that is known for screaming out his name before ignorantly charging headlong into battle, which has since become an internet meme.[2] Joe's number crunching and the ensuing action also parody the original setting.
  • Peter's encouragement to 'twerk like Miley Cyrus trying to prove something to her dad' refers to her claims that her twerking phase was the result of too much time with her dad.[3]

Deleted Scenes[]

  • Alternate take on the Aiwa double-tape deck Waldorf and Statler joke.
  • Stewie wearing the pants from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
  • Peter saying that it's a good idea to put on stranger's hats.
  • Chris Collinsworth thanking Peter for being a veteran.
  • Cutaway of Peter buying a bottle of Newman's Own.
  • Kenny Loggins watching Family Guy with his daughter and an underage sex partner.
  • Alternate ending of Peter's YouTube video of him reuniting with Christian the Lion, where he says he has a homosexual partner as opposed to the lion clawing him to death.
  • Alternate take on the overhead bins Waldolf and Statler joke.
  • A court case, regarding the movie Ted 2.
  • A Roman crucifying Jesus Christ on his first day on the job.
  • Cutaway showing a literal metaphor of "a knead the dough basis".
  • The Beer Bar Buddies practicing doing double takes of seeing a bikini woman.
  • Peter having an awkward fave time conversation with Lois.
  • Chris Collinsworth returning for another gag.
  • Joe suggesting that he, Peter, and Cleveland urinate together in public.
  • Peter saying that they haven't found a day to visit the Epcot center.
  • Cleveland pulling off a Leroy Jenkins, while Peter and Joe try to make up a plan.
  • Video Game cutaway gag of Peter, Cleveland, and Joe fighting the evil frat boys.
  • Peter reminding Quagmire that he wrote gay stuff on a boat.
  • Peter mentioning the Epcot center again.
  • Alternate ending, where Quagmire saves Peter from the explosive jet ski with a hydraulic grapple wench.
  • Post-credits scene, where Peter calls everyone on the coast guard a bisexual.

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