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The Perfect Castaway

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The Perfect Castaway
Season 4, Episode 12
Air date September 12, 2003
Episode Guide
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Stuck Together, Torn Apart 		Next
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The Perfect Castaway is the twelfth episode of the fourth season of Family Guy. It is the seventy-fourth episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

When Peter and the guys go on a fishing trip so Peter can save his failing fisherman job, they end up in choppy waters that leave them stranded on a desert island. Meanwhile, their families assume them to be dead.

Plot[]

With his business as a fisherman starting to go under, to get food to feed his family, Peter goes in search of fish at Pelican's Reef at the suggestion of Seamus, with Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire tagging along for the free beer. They find the reef and catch the fish, but a hurricane causes a giant wave that sinks their boat. They survive by floating on a raft built out of Quagmire's sex dolls. While floating, Peter reveals that he has been eating Joe's legs. The four men set ashore on a desert island. Meanwhile in Quahog, the four are assumed to be dead, as a memorial service is held for the sailors. Which Carter makes a poorly timed joke about thinking Peter would die before him, upsetting Lois and his parents. Which Peter actually feels and declares that he doesn't know why, but he think he'll kick Carter's ass if he gets home. Brian decides to step in as the role of Peter to support the family, working as a salesman at the Quahog Hummer Dealership.

Several months later, the four men are rescued from the island by a passing cruise ship. They were spotted just as they are attempting to pass the time with group homosexual intercourse. Joe gets a new set of legs from a death row inmate who got the electric chair. Unfortunately for Joe, he was also a paraplegic. The guys order separate taxis to take them home, but Peter's taxi was cancelled without him knowing, forcing him to walk. However, due to him not remember how to get home, so spends his time wandering the streets alone, until Brian found him while driving home from work and took him home where he's met with embraces from his family, and beats the crap out of Carter for his offensive comments towards him during his time of abesence.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

Hennessey: Damn it, Peter! That's the fourth time in a row you've brought scraps!
Peter: Look, Mr. O'Callaghan, I know I'm lackin', but-
Hennessey: But nothing! You gotta get some game back into you. Because you're turning into-
Peter: -Another basic fisherman who's nothing special. I get it, Mr. O'Callaghan, I heard your speech a million times!
Lois: Peter, we have a family to feed. We all count on you to provide for us.
Peter: Lois, don't you do piano lessons?
Lois: Peter, most of my kids aren't coming anymore. Most are too busy playing video games and some parents are just too lazy to drive to our house anymore.
Seamus: If it be fish ye wants, Pelican's Reef be where ye'll find them. I've spied fish there. More fish than ye could possibly imagine. Fish as farrr as the me good eye can see. Lots an' lots o' fish... I guess, would be the main musketball point o' this here presentation.
Peter: Hey, hey, I've got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh, I've got one. "I never slept with a woman with the lights on."
[Joe, Peter, and Quagmire drink]
Joe: I'll go next. Uh... "I never had sex with Cleveland's wife."
[Cleveland and Quagmire drink]
Peter: Okay, let's see, uh... "I never did a chick in a Logan Airport Bathroom."
[Quagmire drinks. Fast forward to a heavily drunk Quagmire surrounded by empty bottles]
Peter: God, let's see. What else is there? Um... "I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance."
Quagmire: Oh, God. [drinks]
Joe: I, uh... "I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touched myself."
Quagmire: Oh, come on! [drinks]
Peter: Uh, "I never did the same thing, but with someone from JoAnn Fabrics."
Quagmire: Oh g- this is ridiculous! [drinks, and passes out]
Peter: Wow, he's out cold. [pulls out a marker] Hey, let's write on him!
Peter: Aw, man, you guys, we're rich!
Vern: Rich? I'll tell ya what's rich: the long monologues of a young Will Rogers, but I prefer some of the old slapstick, like this oversized powderpuff. Makeup! [slaps himself in the face with the powderpuff] Ha ha ha. Now that's rich! Play me off, Johnny!
Tom: In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane RuPaul, which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the Blaccuweather report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS!!
Tom Tucker: Sounds rough, Ollie. Did you bring your umbrella with you?
Ollie Williams: HAD ONE!!!
Tom Tucker: Where is it now?
Ollie Williams: INSIDE OUT TWO MILES AWAY!!!
Tom Tucker: Anything we can do for you?
Ollie Williams: BRING ME SOME SOUP!!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: CHUNKY!!!
[Quagmire realizes Peter's eating something]
Quagmire: Hey, what's that?!
Peter: Uh, what?
Cleveland: You're eating something!
Joe: You bastard! You have food?!
Peter: I don't know what you're talking about!
Joe: Give me that!
[Peter and Joe get in a minor pulling match, and Joe pulls and realizes both his feet have been eaten]
Joe: AAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAHHH!!! Peter, you've been eating my legs?!
Peter: See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.
Joe: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!
Peter: Look, Joe, I...
Joe: YOU'VE BEEN EATING MY GODDAMN LEGS, YOU FAT BASTARD!!!!
Peter: Okay, you know what? Let's just agree to disagree.
[At the guys' "funeral"]
Adam West: We gather today to remember those brave Quahog men... who were lost at sea. The Bible declares an eye for an eye. So, let us now take our vengeance on this murder ocean. [begins to stab the ocean with a knife] You won't be hurting anyone anymore.
Meg: Daddy, I'm gonna miss you.
Chris: [sniff] You'll never see me paint that memoriam piece of you.
Carter: [to Lois] You know, when I saw you and Peter get married, I was like to Babs, "This idiot's probably gunna die before we do!" And it turns out I was right! He did die before us!
[Carter slaps his knee and laughs at his comment, not noticing Lois and Thelma's lips quiver, before the two both burst out crying, with Lois clutching onto Carter and Thelma to Francis]
Babs: Carter!
Francis: What the hell is wrong with you, man?! My son just died!!
Carter: I'm guessing it was not the best time to add some comedy to liven things up.
Francis: You GUESS?!
Peter: I don't know why, but I have the feeling of kicking my father-in-law's ass if I get home.
Skeet Ulrich: You bastard!
Cleveland: There's nothing good about what you do or who you are.
Herbert: Excuse me, I'm looking for a car that's been tricked out to look like an ice cream truck.
Brian: Dammit! I'm, I'm sorry what?
Herbert: You know, with the colorful pictures of ice cream treats, and it plays a tune that's fun for the young children. [Sings to "The Entertainer"] Da da da da da da da da... da da da da da da da da mmm...
Cleveland Jr.: Daddy, you thought you were dead! I missed you so much.
Cleveland: Oh, I missed you too Cleveland Jr. [gets a realization] Wait, if I was gone for six months, and you were running from that direction and not from Peter or Joe's house, where were you living while I was gone?!
Cleveland Jr: I've been staying at the old man's house.
[Cuts to Herbert's House as he recently bidded Jr. goodbye]
Herbert: Well, Jesse, if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, you just gotta hope they're not standing there with 2 policemen and a crew from Dateline NBC.
Cleveland: Hey Joe, where'd you get the new legs?
Joe: Transplant. I got them of a death row inmate who got the chair. Unfortunately, he was also a paraplegic.
[Brian wakes up when he notices part of the bedroom light is on]
Brian: Lois, I thought we promised lights out by 9 PM. And you know how much I need my slee-
[Brian notices Lois looking at a photo album of all the pictures of her and Peter, and becomes more understanding]
Brian: Still miss Peter?
Lois: [sighs] Yeah...
Brian: Me too.
Peter: I need a ride! Can someone give a ride to Spooner Street? I don't have any money, but if you write down your name and phone number I'll promise to maybe pay you back!
Stewie: Lois, I smell whipped cream, are you making strawberry shortca...[sees Peter and Lois together] ARGH! ARGH! AHHH! ARGH! ARGH!
Mayor West: [as Stewie continues to scream] Oh, so it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well game on, Quahog! ARRGH! ARRGH! ARGH! ARGH ARGH! ARGGH I'M BEATING YOU!
[After Carter makes another quip about Peter]
Francis: Enough of you! Our son has been dead for months, and nonstop you only thing you've done is snark at his expense!
Carter: Francis, we snark at him all the time.
Francis: Yeah, when he was alive! And I didn't go far in laughing at his injuries or wished I'd outlive. Like, like, what if godforbid your daughter died instead of my son, and I did the same comments you did but for Lois. Would you find that funny?
Peter: Now Carter, I've heard a few bits of your... comments in my presumed death.
Carter: P-Peter, I just want you to know that-
Peter: It's cool, Carter. We're just gunna have a nice conversation like men. [rolls up his sleeves] A good, ol' fashioned family conversation, one on one!
Carter: Uh, uh, Lois! Pumpkin! Babs? Francis?!
Lois: Not this time, Daddy.
Babs: You're on your own, Carter.
Francis: [takes out a video camera] This is what you get, asshole!
[Carter gulps as Peter swings a punch that the whole family flinches at his impact]
The Griffins (minus Peter and Carter): Oooohh!
Francis: Right in the jaw too!

Songs[]

  • A Peter Griffin Christmas

Trivia[]

  • Peter officially ends his career as a fisherman in this episode.
  • In "Barely Legal", Stewie had a cling, where he put too much emphasis on the "H" in "Cool Whip", always pronouncing it as "Cool Hwip". In this episode, however, he says "Cool Whip" normally, when entering the room, asking "Lois, I smell cool whip, are you making strawberry shortcake?"
  • In "Barely Legal", Stewie has a cling on having emphasis on his "H" when he says Cool Whip. But in this episode, he says without error.
  • Lois mentions that Meg went on a date with the announcer from Super Friends.
  • During one flashback scene, Peter recalls a farting contest he had in a bathroom with Michael Moore. They eventually break into the tune of “Dueling Banjos” from the film Deliverance.
  • Herbert, the creepy old pedophile, hums “The Entertainer” by Scott Joplin when he asks Brian if the Quahog Hummer Dealership had an ice cream truck.
  • Weatherman Ollie Williams requests Chunky Soup, but on the DVD, it is captioned as “Turkey” instead of Chunky.

Cultural References[]

  • The title references the films, The Perfect Storm and Castaway.
  • Lois and Brian watch Gilmore Girls, in a scene in which the mother and daughter talk very fast; a reference to the manner in which dialog is spoken in the show, often fast-paced and laden with pop references.
  • Peter misses Captain Caveman, a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character from the late 1970s. He keeps a picture of Captain Caveman in a pocket watch, just as Tom Hanks’s character kept a picture of Helen Hunt’s character in Castaway.
  • Meg went on a date with the announcer from Super Friends.
  • During a cutaway, Peter recalls a farting contest he had in a bathroom with Michael Moore. They eventually break into the tune of “Dueling Banjos” from the film Deliverance.
  • Herbert the Pervert hums “The Entertainer”, by Scott Joplin when he asks Brian if the Quahog Hummer Dealership had an ice cream truck.
  • When Brian sees the silhouettes of Lois and Peter in the hotel window, he also sees Alfred Hitchcock who appeared in such a manner on his TV show, Alfred Hitchcock Presents.
  • The flashback where Peter sprays whipped cream from an aerosol can all over his chest and privates to seduce Lois is similar to a scene from the film, Varsity Blues.

Continuity[]

  • During their game of "Never Have I Ever", both Cleveland and Quagmire drink, when Peter says "Never Have I Ever, Slept With Cleveland's Wife." This is a reference to "The Cleveland Loretta Quagmire", when Quagmire slept with Loretta.
  • The way Peter and Brian reunite parallels the way Peter and Brian met in "Brian Griffin: Portrait of a Dog". Including being on the same location.

Deleted Scenes[]

  • Peter clubbing with Seamus.
  • Peter passes gas on the moon.
  • Peter eating all of the Frozen Galaga.
  • Lois buys cheap diapers.
  • Peter taking a 38-year-old short person to a park.
  • An alternate Act 2 and Act 3 where Peter finds out Brian and Lois are married that got married
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