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The First No L

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The First No L
Season 19, Episode 13
Air date December 13, 2020
Episode Guide
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The Quagmire Show

The First No L is the 13th episode of the nineteenth season of Family Guy. It is the 465th episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

Lois feels that her work in preparing for Christmas has gone unappreciated by her family and leaves them for the holiday to go to Mexico. Meanwhile, Quagmire is all alone for Christmas, when Kimi goes to visit her family for Christmas.

Plot[]

Just Like Me Doing All the Work

Lois does all the work setting up the house for Christmas while her family blows off work to sit around and watch TV. Lois asks them for help and also demands a Christmas present "from the heart" this year, unlike the store bought crap she got all those other years, but the family just tunes her out.

Meanwhile, Quagmire and Kimi get ready for Christmas but Kimi says that she won't be there on Christmas. Instead, she'll be visiting her family in Nebraska. Quagmire asks if he can come but Kimi says that her family still hates him for having sex with her underage sister and wants nothing to do with him, forcing Quagmire to stay at home alone for the holidays.

Lois goes to Yousief's spice stand to buy some spices for the Christmas dinner and while striking up a conversation with him, finds out that he appreciates all of his many wives very much, which makes Lois realize how underappreciated she is at home. After jumping through hoops to do so much work, without any appreciation, Lois gets fed up and decided to leave the family for Christmas to see her cousin in Cabo.

Lois goes on vacation to Mexico, where they're celebrating Los Posadas and has a great time there. In reality, there was no "cousin" who lived in Mexico. Lois just made that up so that she'd sound like she's doing something important there. Lois goes into a fancy hotel room and spies on her family back at home with a pair of really good binoculars. She watches the disaster take place and expects her family to call her up soon enough to beg her to come back.

Quagmire screws around and parties like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone without Kimi but then very quickly starts to feel bored, alone, and empty with nothing to do.

Peter tries to decorate the house without Lois but finds it's not as easy as he thought. He throws a fit of rage and inadvertently tosses all the decorations onto the house, decorating it perfectly for Christmas. The family finally gets things together and has a perfect Christmas holiday. Lois sees them through her binoculars and is able to read their lips and see that they're saying "I love you." to each other. Infuriated that the family is holding up fine without her, she vows revenge.

Lois travels back to Quahog for Christmas but the airports are all shut down because it's the day before Christmas. That and COVID. Lois calls up Yousief for a favor and Yousief, not celebrating Christmas anyway, finds the time to hijack an airplane and violently fly it over to Mexico to pick up Lois and take her home, while also making some very racist comments about Turkish people. When she gets back to Quahog, in a stunt worthy of The Grinch, Lois sneaks into the house to take all of their Christmas goods, but not before she ends up doing the dishes, buying groceries, mopping the floors, and doing the laundry. Finally, Lois steals Christmas and sneaks away just like in the movie.

At the turn of midnight, Quagmire is still up and sulking because he's all alone. He decides to call Joan, his credit card lady, to see what if he has any payments due. Joan is quick to deduce that Quagmire is alone on Christmas and just groveling for human interaction but Quagmire denies this and makes up a lie saying that he has a family at home. Joan asks for specific details and Quagmire makes up the completely bullshit names "Bloofus" and "Clunt" as the names of his kids and then destroys his own belongings to make it look like there's annoying little kids running around. Obviously, Joan doesn't buy it and Quagmire just ends up making an ass of himself.

The next morning, the family is disappointed at first but eventually decides that Christmas isn't about the presents and decorations. It's about the love. So they all join hands and start singing the song from The Grinch. Lois watches from behind the bush in front of the house and gets so pissed off that she busts in and screams and yells at all of them. The family still tells her that although all the presents were stolen, they still managed to save the present they made for her from the heart. They give her a clay pot they made in a pottery class with a very heart felt not attacked to it and she's deeply moved by the gesture. Again reminiscent of The Grinch, her heart grows three sizes, but this lands her in the hospital. Lois' crimes are completely looked over and the break-in and crimes are blamed on Yousief, who is then deported.

When the family quizzes Lois on who these so-called "cousins" in Mexico were, Lois makes up a lie on the spot, saying that she was with made-up cousins like Bloofus and Clunt. Peter makes a call to Mexico to see if she's telling the truth. He calls Yousief, who ended up there after getting deported. Yousief says that he doesn't know anyone by those names, as he stands in the same hotel room Lois was in and uses the really good binoculars she left behind to look at his out house and see that in his absence, his many wives are cheating on him with Quagmire.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

Lois: Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling "fuck" in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!
Peter: Yeah Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the "O" in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.
Chris: Same.
Peter: [first bumps Chris] Nice.
Lois: I'd like to finally get a present from the heart this year. Not just some defective clothing item Peter got on clearance at Marshall's.
Peter: [holds up a Rolling Stones knockoff shirt] But you love The Roling Stons.
Yousief: Here, have some free turmeric. It may look like dry earwax, but it should really give your vegetable casserole a real peppery zing.
Lois: Wow, Yousief. Thank you so much. Do you give out free samples to everybody?
Yousief: Nope. Just my ethnic friends. You're my only white customer who can hold it down ... most of the time.
Lois: Yeah, sorry about last week.
[Cutaway gag to last week]
Yousief: Here, try this.
Lois: Oh, okay.
[Lois tries some spice and starts to sweat]
Lois: Ooh, very exotic. Has a weird ... weird punch!
[Lois' face gets all red]
Lois: AAAAAAAH! IT'S BURNING! IT'S BURNING MY MOUTH!
[Lois breathes fire]
Lois: WATER!
[Lois runs across the farmer's market looking for water]
Lois: I NEED WATER! [breathes fire]
[Lois grabs some glasses from an expensive ceramic glass stand but they're all empty]
Lois: Empty! ... Empty! ... Empty! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY WATER!?
Store Owner: Ma'am, this isn't a drink store. We sell expensive ceramic glass cups and you have to pay for all of those.
Lois: AAAUUUUGH!!! [breathes fire on him]
Store Owner: AAAAAAGGGHHH!!!
[Lois runs over to a hose faucet and turns it on to drink from it but it turns out to be a faucet for sewage]
[Discretion shot of the sky]
Lois: [offscreen] AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGH!!!
[A bunch of birds fly away]
[The next scene shows firefighters spraying hose water in Lois' mouth, finally easing her pain and Youseif is standing next to her]
Lois: [heaves] WHAT THE HELL KIND OF MONSTROUS FOREIGN SPICE WAS THAT!?
Yousief: That was shaved ice.
[Bruce and Jeffrey come up to Yousief's spice store]
Bruce: Ooooh! Look at all these fancy spices.
Jeffrey: I knoooow.
Bruce: Ooooh, let's see what's in this one.
Yousief: Oh, don't open that that's extremely mild!
[Bruce and Jeffrey open a box and it burns their faces off like the Ark of the Convenant; Their heads become skeletons]
Yousief: Really doesn't test well with white people.
Bruce: Oh nooooo.
Jeffrey: I knoooow.
Stewie: If this place doesn't have Baby Yoda toys, I wear to God ... I'll probably buy ... something with Spiderman on it.
R: You were with M again, weren't you!?
H: What? No I wasn't!
R: Then why are you wearing a designer looking shirt at a fraction of the cost!?
H: Maybe I wanted to get caught!
R: I told you what I'd do if I ever caught you cheating! This is on you! [commits suicide]
H: Why!? WHYYYYY!?
[Y comes out of the bathroom]
Y: What's up? I was just taking a pee.
[P enters]
P: Someone call?
Lois: You're all gunna see how hard it is to make Christmas happen around here without me! I am packing my bags and I'm outta here!
[Quagmire runs up like Road Runner]
Quagmire: You're getting divorced?
Lois: No, I'm just leaving for a few days and ruining their Christmas.
[Mort runs up like Road Runner]
Mort: You're ruining Christmas by suing the city over holiday decorations?
Lois: No, I'm just leaving my family for the holidays and going to Mexico.
[Consuela runs up like Road Runner]
Consuela: You're doing Mexican jokes?
Lois: No, I'm just going to visit my cousin in Cabo.
[Stella runs up like Road Runner]
Stella: You're doing deaf jokes?
Lois: No ... No one's doing deaf jokes. Nothing about what I said even sounded like that.
Stella: Well, I can't hear so I don't know.
[Greased Up Deaf Guy runs up like Road Runner]
Greased Up Deaf Guy: You're doing deaf jokes?
Stella: She's not doing them.
Greased Up Deaf Guy: What!?
Stella: I don't know.
Peter: I think we ... I think we-we are doing deaf jokes at this point.
Lois: In fact, while we're telling disability jokes, let's get Joe in here.
[Joe rolls up like Road Runner but when he tries to stop, he gets flung out of his wheelchair and crashes into the wall]
Joe: [goes flying] WHAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! [crashes] Ouch.
Mexican: Hola, Welcome to Mexico!
Lois: Oh, Hello. It's great to be here. I'm so excited to spend Christmas here.
Mexican: Oh, si and you came just in time because today is the first day of Los Posadas.
Lois: Los Posadas? What's that.
Mexican: It's a 9-day-long Mexican holiday that leads up to Christmas. Every day represents one month when Mary was pregnant with Jesus.
Lois: Huh, seems like a weird reason to celebrate. One day for each month of insufferable pain, sudden outbursts of hysteria, and uncontrollable vomiting.
Peter: We're gonna delete all of her pretentious crap off the DVR.
Chris: I want to be the one to delete The Crown. She never watched them. She just had 'em.
Peter: Do it, son.
Chris: Well, well, well, The Crown. How the tables have turned. Remember this face? The one that wanted to watch Modern Family? Well, payback's a bitch. Delete!
TV: Are you sure you want to delete The Crown?
Chris: What th-Yes! Delete!
TV: Do you understand that it's really good?
Chris: Yes!
TV: Are you sure? It will impress your friends.
Chris: Accept!
TV: You understand that we change the cast every season.
Chris: Oh my God. Acknowledge!
TV: Come on. It's The Crown. It's history.
Chris: Don't care!
TV: You are not allowed to delete The Crown.
Chris: DAMMIT! RAAAAAAGH! [destroys the TV]
Peter: Alright. Time to put up the 2020 Christmas decorations. First, ethnically accurate Jesus goes right here next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine. Followed closely are the three genderless wise people on their bird scooters, Buddha and Vishnu, whereas to include unrelated religions, Tig Notaro for some reason, and of course, The Little Drummer Them because God forbid we call a boy a boy.
Chris: Dad, what are you say-
Peter: I DON'T LIKE WHAT THE WORLD IS! I'M WHITE! WHEN'S IT GUNNA BE OUR TURN!?
[Peter turns on the Christmas lights and gets a call from Quagmire]
Quagmire: [over the phone] Yeah, Merry Christmas. Um, listen, Peter, can you turn down those lights? I'm in bed with a three, and, um, extra light is not her friend.
Lois: Did you know the Mexicans have a 9-day-long holiday, where they celebrate the months of Mary's pregnancy?
Yousief: Yes, I've heard. Los Posadas.
Lois: That's weird, right?
Yousief: I guess but I've seen weirder. In Saudi Arabia, March 1st is a holiday called Yawm Alaihtifal Biaightisab Al'atfal, where we celebrate God impregnating Mary.
Lois: Really?
Yousief: Yep. The only thing about Christianity we support is how they promote unspeakably old men knocking up 13-year-old virgins.
[Lois gets a ride home from Yousief]
Lois: Thanks for the ride and your unsolicited racial theories.
Yousief: I'm telling you, it's the Turks every time!
Stewie: [dressed as Cindy Lou Who] Santa Claus? Why are you taking our Christmas tree?
Lois: Why are you in pigtails and a little girl's nightgown?
Stewie: Okay, okay. Maybe we both forget what we saw.
[Quagmire makes a phone call]
Quagmire: Hello, Joan. My name is Glenn Quagmire. I'm just calling to see if I have a payment due on my Discover card ... What? ... No, I'm not alone on Christmas. I'll have you know, I'm actually here with my very large family! ... Uh, prove it by telling you my children's real names that don't sound like I made them up in a panic, uh, uh, ... Bloofus and Clunt.
Brian: Now use this black light to read what we wrote in invisible ink while This is Us's sad "stuff's about the happen" acoustic guitar plays.
[Lois opens the present from her family]
Lois: Wow. What is it?
Meg: It's a bowl we all made for you in a pottery class.
Stewie: A denim-shirted lesbian named CJ helped us.
Meg: So, Mom, who are these cousins you were in Mexico with?
Lois: Oh, you know just my cousins.
Brian: Which ones?
Chris: Yeah, mom. Prove it by telling us cousin names that don't sound like you made them up in a panic.
Stewie: Freakin' Clunt, man.

Song[]

  • Welcome Christmas

Trivia[]

Cultural References[]

  • The title refers to the song "The First Noel".
  • Quagmire, Mort, Stella and the Greased-up Deaf Guy arrive at the Griffin home with the sound that usually accompanies the arrival of the Road Runner.
  • As noted in the plot description, there are numerous homages to the 1966 animated version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, including Lois' outfit, a smile that she makes, scenes of her stealing the family decorations and the family joining hands and start singing the song Welcome Christmas. In addition, Stewie appears dressed as Cindy Lou Who.

Continuity[]

Deleted Scenes[]

  • Peter's trick elbow acting up.
  • Peter loses his credit card in an ATM.
  • Peter, Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian walking around a paper store and farting.
  • Peter says that he wrote the skit about the letters.
  • Lois watches CBS.
  • Peter admits to masturbating to Madonna in the car.
  • Peter suggests killing the kids.
  • Peter takes pills and listens to records.
  • Lois watching a weird Quahog Hotels commercial.
  • Quagmire has sex with a "three".
  • Quagmire gets rid of his three.
  • Lois explains a slow motion joke.
  • A Lids commercial.
  • Peter tries to kill the kids again.
  • Lois checks to see who crapped on the porch and Peter breaks her phone.
  • Lois says that she's not from the market.
  • Lois runs around the house, destroying her family's property.
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