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[ACT ONE]
[FADE IN]
[Ext. Quahog Mini-Mart - Day]
Establishing.
[Int. Quahog Mini-Mart Front Room - Day]
[Chris Griffin sits at the Cashier Counter; Neil, Junior, and Jake enter through the door]
CHRIS: Welcome to the Quahog Mini-Mart. How may I help you?
NEIL: Hey, Chris. We hear the movie Bloodbath Bandits has just hit the shelves.
CHRIS: What's Bloodbath Bandits?
JAKE: Only the most controversial straight-to-video R Rated movie out there. It's taken forever for the uncensored movie to reach the public, because it keeps getting banned.
CHRIS: And what makes it so offensive?
JUNIOR: Everything. Sex, drugs, violence, racism, political bashing, and a scene where the main character goes to a restaurant, without tipping.
JAKE: I still say they just they didn't show that, cuz it was cut for time.
NEIL: You should know about this Chris. It's the talk of the town.
CHRIS: Well, let me see if I have it.
[Chris searches for the movie on the computer]
CHRIS: Oh. There's one copy left.
NEIL: So, customers have bought all but one copy of this same movie, while you were working the counter, and you don't know about it?
CHRIS: Actually, it says the reason for the small-scale shipment, is because The Catholic Church burned the package, to get rid of it.
[Chris takes out the last copy]
CHRIS: This is the only one to survive.
[Neil gives Chris money and Chris enters the price into the register]
NEIL: Boy we're gunna have fun with this.
JUNIOR: We'll watch it after you get off work, Chris. We wouldn't wanna start without you.
[Carl enters, from the left side of the room]
CARL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chris. You can't sell this film to these guys.
CHRIS: What? Why not?
CARL: This movie contains 18+ material, and I'll get sued if I sell it to underage kids.
JAKE: No prob. I'm 31 years old.
CARL: Is that just an upside down, 13?
JAKE: My aging process is completely normal, okay!?
CHRIS: Aw, man. Sorry guys, no sale.
NEIL: Dammit. That movie sounded so cool.
CARL: Oh, it is. I've seen it. You're missing out. Anyway, unless there's any other reason you came here, you guys are technically loitering right now, [gestures to a "NO LOITERING" sign] so I'm gunna have to ask you to skidaddle.
[Neil, Junior, and Jake, sadly exit through the door; at the same time, Brian enters]
BRIAN: Hey, Chris. One copy of Bloodbath Bandits, please.
CARL: You over 18?
BRIAN: Yes sir. In dog years and in people years.
CARL: Gross.
CHRIS: [to Carl] I know. Our family is surprised he isn't shedding fur yet.
[Brian pays for the movie and Chris gives it to him]
BRIAN: I wonder if this is anything like Ingmar Bergman's clever piece, The Virgin Spring. Another penetrating masterpiece, I observed this week, providing a riveting social commentary on censorship and it's effect on the media. It's hard for a developed mind such as my own to be enlightened even further these days, but, good ol' Ingmar had me hoodwinked again. He did the same thing with his other film-
CARL: [cutting Brian off] Uh, Brian. Please mind the rules. [gestures to a "NO EGOTISTICAL RAMBLING" sign, that's right by the "NO LOITERING" sign]
[Ext. The Griffin House - Day]
Establishing.
[Int. The Living Room - Day]
[Brian and Stewie sit on the couch, watching the movie]
STEWIE: So, this is the highly offensive, off-limits movie, huh?
BRIAN: ... Yup.
[Cut to the TV screen, where the movie is being shown; The movie is portrayed as extremely low-budget and poorly written; The movie features a cowboy fighting an Indian]
COWBOY: Get outta my town, you damn filthy Injun!
INJUN: Oogly Boogly! Eat my curry! Hare Krishna! Wait, wrong kind of Indian. Um ... How.
COWBOY: That's it. I'm gunna shoot you.
[A poorly animated graphic shows a bullet shooting the Injun]
INJUN: Oh. I'm dead. I'll be with Vishnu soon ... I mean, uh, ... the spirit of a bear or some shit. I don't know.
[Cut back to Brian and Stewie]
STEWIE: God, this is awful!
BRIAN: Tell me about it.
STEWIE: Why was it even banned anyway? I've seen Laffy Taffy wrappers tell more offensive jokes than this.
BRIAN: Well, Stewie, it just goes to show you how people get offended by pointless nonsense, exaggerating how bad it is, and giving it a bigger cultural impact than it really deserves.
STEWIE: Yeah, this is just a low-budget B movie, that should have gone on and off the public radar, with nary a damn given. But, to be honest, I actually quite enjoy watching something for mature adults.
COWBOY: [from TV] Fuck you, motherfucker!
[Lois enters, from the right]
LOIS: What did he say? Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.
STEWIE: Not appropriate? Last week you took me to Magic Mike XXL.
[Cutaway to Lois carrying Stewie and, trying to find a seat at the movie theater]
LOIS: I've heard good reviews about this, Stewie. You and I are gunna-up, [Lois sits down in a chair, and gets back up, when she notices how it's wet] Ew, this seat is all wet [Lois moved to another seat] Ugh. This is also wet [Lois moves to another seat] Also wet [Lois moves to another seat] Huh, interesting. This one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it's wet.
[Cut back to scene]
LOIS: Chance the channel to something more wholesome, now!
BRIAN: [disappointed] Okay.
[Brian ejects the video from the VCR]
LOIS: Wait, you bought this? Brian!
BRIAN: Don't worry. I'm done watching it. I'll return it tomorrow.
LOIS: You'd better. I don't want any of that smut, being viewed in my house.
[Lois changes the channel to a Wiggles parody, titled The Turtlenecks]
TV ANNOUNCER: Time to toot tooty too with The Turtlenecks.
STEWIE: Oh, God no! These guys are horrible!
[The Turtlenecks dance around on the TV screen]
TURTLENECKS: [singing] Do you kazoo? I often do. When I am blue. I do kazoo. Toot tooty too. Goes my kazoo. Do you kazoo? I often do.
[Back to Stewie and Brian]
BRIAN: This doesn't seem so bad. I mean, after all, it's a song for babies.
STEWIE: And that means it doesn't need be taken seriously? Babies are people too and they deserve quality entertainment, just like any other age group.
BRIAN: Well, it's not easy to write what you don't know. Children's songs are written by adults.
STEWIE: If you want a song a baby'll like, you've got to get a baby to write it. I'll do it, and you can help!
BRIAN: Well, I did write a musical about Alexander Hamilton. Not ... not that one, but sure, I'm in.
[Int. Quahog Mini-Mart - Day]
[Chris works the counter and Brian enters, through the door]
BRIAN: Hey, Chris I'm here to return this.
CHRIS: Are you done watching it?
BRIAN: Yep.
CHRIS: [interested] Well, uh how was it?
BRIAN: [uninterested] Meh.
CHRIS: Uh, uh, was it good? Bad? What happened in it?
BRIAN: I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway, if you could just go through the return policy mumbo jumbo on your own. You know my card number. I gotta hit the road. A steak truck and a Richard Dawkins book truck just had a collision and every Atheist dog in town is gunna be there. Bye.
CHRIS: [sadly] Bye.
[Brian exits through the door]
CHRIS: [sigh] What I'd give to have this movie. [beat] Wait a minute. I kind of do have this movie, don't I?
[A little Chris Devil appears on Chris' shoulder]
CHRIS DEVIL: Take the movie, Chris. Brian lives under your roof, so it's owned by the people of your property. As long as the boss man doesn't know about it, it's gunna be A-Ok.
[A Chris Angel appears on his other shoulder]
CHRIS ANGEL: Yeah, take it! Ethics Schmethics. Worry about having fun. Not doing the right thing.
CHRIS: I really gotta get a better moral compass.
[Ext. The Griffin House - Day]
[Establishing.]
[Int. Chris' Room - Day]
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