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[ACT ONE]
[FADE IN]
[Ext. Quahog Mini-Mart - Day]
Establishing.
[Int. Quahog Mini-Mart Front Room - Day]
[Chris Griffin sits at the Cashier Counter; Neil, Junior, and Jake enter through the door]
CHRIS: Welcome to the Quahog Mini-Mart. How may I help you?
NEIL: Hey, Chris. We hear the movie Bloodbath Bandits has just hit the shelves.
CHRIS: What's Bloodbath Bandits?
JAKE: Only the most controversial straight-to-video R Rated movie out there. It's taken forever for the uncensored movie to reach the public, because it keeps getting banned.
CHRIS: And what makes it so offensive?
JUNIOR: Everything. Sex, drugs, violence, racism, political bashing, and a scene where the main character goes to a restaurant, without tipping.
JAKE: I still say they just they didn't show that, cuz it was cut for time.
NEIL: You should know about this Chris. It's the talk of the town.
CHRIS: Well, let me see if I have it.
[Chris searches for the movie on the computer]
CHRIS: Oh. There's one copy left.
NEIL: So, customers have bought all but one copy of this same movie, while you were working the counter, and you don't know about it?
CHRIS: Actually, it says the reason for the small-scale shipment, is because The Catholic Church burned the package, to get rid of it.
[Chris takes out the last copy]
CHRIS: This is the only one to survive.
[Neil gives Chris money and Chris enters the price into the register]
NEIL: Boy we're gunna have fun with this.
JUNIOR: We'll watch it after you get off work, Chris. We wouldn't wanna start without you.
[Carl enters, from the left side of the room]
CARL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chris. You can't sell this film to these guys.
CHRIS: What? Why not?
CARL: This movie contains 18+ material, and I'll get sued if I sell it to underage kids.
JAKE: No prob. I'm 31 years old.
CARL: Is that just an upside down, 13?
JAKE: My aging process is completely normal, okay!?
CHRIS: Aw, man. Sorry guys, no sale.
NEIL: Dammit. That movie sounded so cool.
CARL: Oh, it is. I've seen it. You're missing out. Anyway, unless there's any other reason you came here, you guys are technically loitering right now, [gestures to a "NO LOITERING" sign] so I'm gunna have to ask you to skidaddle.
[Neil, Junior, and Jake, sadly exit through the door; at the same time, Brian enters]
BRIAN: Hey, Chris. One copy of Bloodbath Bandits, please.
CARL: You over 18?
BRIAN: Yes sir. In dog years and in people years.
CARL: Gross.
CHRIS: [to Carl] I know. Our family is surprised he isn't shedding fur yet.
[Brian pays for the movie and Chris gives it to him]
BRIAN: I wonder if this is anything like Ingmar Bergman's clever piece, The Virgin Spring. Another penetrating masterpiece, I observed this week, providing a riveting social commentary on censorship and it's effect on the media. It's hard for a developed mind such as my own to be enlightened even further these days, but, good ol' Ingmar had me hoodwinked again. He did the same thing with his other film-
CARL: [cutting Brian off] Uh, Brian. Please mind the rules. [gestures to a "NO EGOTISTICAL RAMBLING" sign, that's right by the "NO LOITERING" sign]
[Ext. The Griffin House - Day]
Establishing.
[Int. The Living Room - Day]
[Brian and Stewie sit on the couch, watching the movie]
STEWIE: So, this is the highly offensive, off-limits movie, huh?
BRIAN: ... Yup.
[Cut to the TV screen, where the movie is being shown; The movie is portrayed as extremely low-budget and poorly written; The movie features a cowboy fighting an Indian]
COWBOY: Get outta my town, you damn filthy Injun!
INJUN: Oogly Boogly! Eat my curry! Hare Krishna! Wait, wrong kind of Indian. Um ... How.
COWBOY: That's it. I'm gunna shoot you.
[A poorly animated graphic shows a bullet shooting the Injun]
INJUN: Oh. I'm dead. I'll be with Vishnu soon ... I mean, uh, ... the spirit of a bear or some shit. I don't know.
[Cut back to Brian and Stewie]
STEWIE: God, this is awful!
BRIAN: Tell me about it.
STEWIE: Why was it even banned anyway? I've seen Laffy Taffy wrappers tell more offensive jokes than this.
BRIAN: Well, Stewie, it just goes to show you how people get offended by pointless nonsense, exaggerating how bad it is, and giving it a bigger cultural impact than it really deserves.
STEWIE: Yeah, this is just a low-budget B movie, that should have gone on and off the public radar, with nary a damn given. But, to be honest, I actually quite enjoy watching something for mature adults.
COWBOY: [from TV] Fuck you, motherfucker!
[Lois enters, from the right]
LOIS: What did he say? Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.
STEWIE: Not appropriate? Last week you took me to Magic Mike XXL.
[Cutaway to Lois carrying Stewie and, trying to find a seat at the movie theater]
LOIS: I've heard good reviews about this, Stewie. You and I are gunna-up, [Lois sits down in a chair, and gets back up, when she notices how it's wet] Ew, this seat is all wet [Lois moved to another seat] Ugh. This is also wet [Lois moves to another seat] Also wet [Lois moves to another seat] Huh, interesting. This one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it's wet.
[Cut back to scene]
LOIS: Change the channel to something more wholesome, now!
BRIAN: [disappointed] Okay.
[Brian ejects the video from the VCR]
LOIS: Wait, you bought this? Brian!
BRIAN: Don't worry. I'm done watching it. I'll return it tomorrow.
LOIS: You'd better. I don't want any of that smut, being viewed in my house.
[Lois changes the channel to a Wiggles parody, titled The Turtlenecks]
TV ANNOUNCER: Time to toot tooty too with The Turtlenecks.
STEWIE: Oh, God no! These guys are horrible!
[The Turtlenecks dance around on the TV screen]
TURTLENECKS: [singing] Do you kazoo? I often do. When I am blue. I do kazoo. Toot tooty too. Goes my kazoo. Do you kazoo? I often do.
[Back to Stewie and Brian]
BRIAN: This doesn't seem so bad. I mean, after all, it's a song for babies.
STEWIE: And that means it doesn't need be taken seriously? Babies are people too and they deserve quality entertainment, just like any other age group.
BRIAN: Well, it's not easy to write what you don't know. Children's songs are written by adults.
STEWIE: If you want a song a baby'll like, you've got to get a baby to write it. I'll do it, and you can help!
BRIAN: Well, I did write a musical about Alexander Hamilton. Not ... not that one, but sure, I'm in.
[Int. Quahog Mini-Mart - Day]
[Chris works the counter and Brian enters, through the door]
BRIAN: Hey, Chris I'm here to return this.
CHRIS: Are you done watching it?
BRIAN: Yep.
CHRIS: [interested] Well, uh how was it?
BRIAN: [uninterested] Meh.
CHRIS: Uh, uh, was it good? Bad? What happened in it?
BRIAN: I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway, if you could just go through the return policy mumbo jumbo on your own. You know my card number. I gotta hit the road. A steak truck and a Richard Dawkins book truck just had a collision and every Atheist dog in town is gunna be there. Bye.
CHRIS: [sadly] Bye.
[Brian exits through the door]
CHRIS: [sigh] What I'd give to have this movie. [beat] Wait a minute. I kind of do have this movie, don't I? Brian has this movie. Brian lives with me. I haven't finished the return process yet ...
[A little Chris Devil appears on Chris' shoulder]
CHRIS DEVIL: Take the movie, Chris. Brian lives under your roof, so it's owned by the people of your property. As long as the boss man doesn't know about it, it's gunna be A-Ok.
[A Chris Angel appears on his other shoulder]
CHRIS ANGEL: Yeah, take it! Ethics Schmethics. Worry about having fun. Not doing the right thing.
CHRIS: I gotta get a better moral compass.
[Ext. The Griffin House - Day]
[Establishing.]
[Int. Chris' Room - Day]
[Neil, Junior, and Jake sit in Chris' room, with Chris standing in front of them, holding the movie]
CHRIS: Well boys, this is it. Bloodbath Bandits.
JUNIOR: Wow, Chris. How'd you get your hands on this?
CHRIS: Brian bought the movie, and since he lives with me, ... I thought I could borrow it. Problem solved.
NEIL: Chris, you are a leader of men.
JUNIOR: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's watch it!
[Chris puts the tape in the VCR of his TV and the screen shows the cowboy, standing in between two scantily clad cowgirls]
COWGIRL #1: Oh, thank you for saving us from those god damned Injuns.
COWGIRLS #2: Them Injuns are almost as bad as them Negroes.
JUNIOR: [offscreen; shocked] Damn!
COWGIRL #1: How about we have sex with you? Because as women, that's all we're good for.
[Screen cuts to the boys, and sexual noises are heard from the TV; The boys gasp and stare in awe, as they watch the pornographic content]
NEIL: Oh, yeah. That's hot.
JAKE: This is even better than that upside-down face porn, I discovered last night.
[Cutaway to Jake in his bedroom at night, with his laptop]
[Cut to the laptop screen, depicting two women with upside down faces, wearing bikinis and standing in a hot tub]
WOMAN #1: Wanna make this hot tub even hotter?
WOMAN #2: Sure. Do you wanna do me, or should I go up on you?
[Cut to Jake; only his upper body is shown on screen]
JAKE: Finally. A porno that's right for me.
[Jake reaches down behind his back, to where his butt would be, and moves his hand in a masturbatory manner, implying that like how his face is upside down, his genitalia is also on backwards]
[Ext. The Griffin House - Day]
[Establishing.]
[Int. Stewie's Room - Day]
[Stewie is in his room, with a guitar, reading from a song sheet. Brian is standing behind him]
STEWIE: Alright, Brian. What do you think of this? [singing and playing guitar] Mama liked to party, when you were in her belly. Drinking she did some. Downing Captain Morgan with a jug of Irish Kelly. That's why you are dumb. [speaking] I call that one "Mama liked to party, parentheses, Chris' song".
BRIAN: Stewie, that's good. The lyrics could use some touching up, though.
STEWIE: Well, I have been considering rewriting this whole thing as "You were never wanted, parenthesis, Meg's song", but I don't know if society's ready for abortion songs yet.
BRIAN: I'd give it some time.
STEWIE: If that one doesn't hit, I have a few already written.
BRIAN: Hey, can I write one?
STEWIE: Yeah, we need as many as we can. Our first gig is Saturday. It's a birthday party.
BRIAN: Wow, already? How'd you book a gig so fast?
STEWIE: Easy. I figured out the perfect way to get the word out to middle-aged moms.
[Cutaway to a middle-aged mom, shopping in the chardonnay section of a store; Stewie pops out from behind a bunch of bottles and hands her a flier]
STEWIE: Musical entertainment, available for parties.
[Stewie pops out in front of another middle-aged mom]
STEWIE: Musical entertainment, available for parties.
[Stewie pops out in front of a younger, muscular man; Stewie does not give him a flier, and instead looks at him seductively]
STEWIE: [seductive] Hey.
[Ext. Quahog Mini-Mart - Day]
[Establishing.]
[Int. Front Counter - Day]
[Chris is working behind the counter]
CARL: [offscreen] Hey, Chris. Get over here.
[Chris goes into Carl's office]
[In Carl's office, Carl is dressed like Donald Trump, and his office is decorated to look like the white house]
CARL: Check it out. Nice, right?
CHRIS: Wow. Um, yeah, I guess.
CARL: I can also do impressions of him. [in his normal voice] We need to build a wall.
CHRIS: Um. Was that an impression?
CARL: Yeah. Did it sound good.
CHRIS: No. That just sounds like your own voice.
CARL: Oh. How about this. [in his normal voice] It's gunna be Yuge
CHRIS: Uh, no. Again, it still sounds like you.
CARL: What are you talking about? I sound exactly like him. [in a convincing Donald Trump voice] You're fired.
CHRIS: I think The Apprentice is irrelevant, now that he's become president, but WOW! That actually sounds just like him.
CARL: No, Chris. You're fired.
CHRIS: [thrown off] Uh, ... what?
CARL: I heard that you kept the movie, Bloodbath Bandits, when Brian tried to return it to you. You can't do that, man.
CHRIS: [on edge] Huh? So, I'm actually fired? For real!?
CARL: Yeah. I was willing to let your little movie incident go, but you crossed the line, when you dissed my Donald Trump impressions. [In his convincing Donald Trump voice] I am what I am. I am what I am. And what I am, is a voice acting genius.
CHRIS: [freaking out] But, wait! Technically, I didn't buy that! No sale was made, giving me the movie! I didn't break the rule.
CARL: [still doing his Trump voice] That's a fact, but here's an alternative fact. You also corrupted the transaction of a movie return. Brian told you he was returning the movie. You never asked permission to keep the movie. You kept the movie, when he tried to return it. You. Broke. The. Rules.
CHRIS: [freaking out and talking faster and faster as he goes along] But Carl, this is ridiculous! You know me! I know you! We're friends! I've been working this job for 10 years now! You're firing me over this one, worthless thing!? I can't believe I-
CARL: [cutting Chris off; in Trump voice] Chris, Chris, Chris ... You are a very smart young man, but you have been very disobedient and an unreliable member of this work force I'm sorry, but ...
[Spotlight shines on Chris and reality TV show music sting plays as the camera zooms on in his face]
CARL: ... You're fired.
[A reaction shot of Chris happens, while a "shocking" music sting plays; Chris sadly walks away]
[Ext. The Griffin House - Day]
[Establishing.]
[Int. The Kitchen - Day]
[Chris, Peter, and Lois are at the table]
LOIS: Chris, you got fired?! That's horrible.
CHRIS: [sadly] I'm sorry.
LOIS: [gives Chris a newspaper] It's time you look for a new job. You could mow lawns or babysit-
PETER: Or lawn sit. It's a happier job than mowing babies.
CHRIS: Or maybe even go back to my old job as the guy racing through the airport at the end of a romantic comedy.
[Cutaway to Chris rushing out of an apartment building and hailing a taxi]
CHRIS: TAXI! TAXI!
[A taxi stops for Chris]
CAB DRIVER: Hey, kid! Are you crazy?
CHRIS: Crazy for love! The most amazing girl I've ever met leaves on a plane in five minutes!
CAB DRIVER: A girl?
[Cab driver looks at pictures of himself and his ugly wife on his dashboard]
CAB DRIVER: Get in.
[Chris gets into the cab at the driver drives him down the street; They go really fast and run a lot of red lights, scaring people on the streets, and destroying stuff; A cop drives up to them]
COP: What the Hell is going on?
CAB DRIVER: This guy's in love!
COP: Is she worth it?
CHRIS: She's a once in a lifetime girl!
COP: I'll give you an escort.
[The cops give Chris an escort, causing more chaos on the streets]
[They pull up the the airport and Chris gets out; He takes out his wallet to pay the taxi driver]
CAB DRIVER: No charge!
CHRIS: Thanks, Max.
[Chris takes off and Max gives Chris a "click click" thing, as Chris enters the airport]
ANNOUNCER: Final boarding call for Ashleigh's flight to Stuffy New England College. Final boarding.
[Chris gets stopped by an airline security lady]
SECURITY GUARD: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Child! What's the hurry?
CHRIS: The love of my life, that's what!
SECURITY GUARD: [over a walkie talkie] We got a code Romeo. Repeat code Romeo. [to Chris] Go get 'er, child. Forget the security process.
[Chris runs off and an Arabic man with bombs strapped to his chest comes up to the security guard]
TERRORIST: Uh, ... I'm in love too?
[Chris is being driven by a teenager in an airport cart]
CHRIS: If you get there on time, there's an extra fifty in it for ya.
TEENAGER: I love this job!
[The teenager recklessly drives through a bunch of people, knocking them over]
["Ashleigh" is the last person in line to board the plane]
"ASHLEIGH": Well, I guess this is goodbye forever, New York and hello forever, New England.
["Ashleigh" is about to board the plane]
CHRIS: [offscreen] Ashleigh, wait!
"ASHLEIGH": [stops] Huh? [gasp] Chris? [happily] Chris, is that really you?
[Chris is shown, panting and gasping for air; Standing around him are all the people who helped him on the way. The cop, the security guard, the teenager, and the terrorist]
COP: You got our support, Chris.
SECURITY GUARD: Now, go tell her.
[Camera zooms out to show Max the Taxi Driver, inside of his taxi and inside of the airport, with a trail of dead people behind him]
CAB DRIVER: I wouldn't miss this for all the rush hour fares in the big apple.
"ASHLEIGH": Chris, you came! Oh my God! This fills my heart with joy.
CHRIS: There's something I need to say before the plane leaves!
"ASHLEIGH": Okay! Let me get my grandma!
["Ashleigh" runs into the plane and comes out, with an old lady]
"ASHLEIGH'S GRANDMA": Brenda, what is this?
BRENDA: Ashleigh, there's someone here to see you.
ASHLEIGH: Chris?
[The audience looks around in confusion and makes confused, concerned murmuring]
[Chris runs up to her and holds her hands]
CHRIS: Ashleigh, I couldn't let you go away forever without asking you this. Now, you can make or break my heart if you want, but this feeling has been tearing me apart inside and even if you say "no", I need closure. I need to know what you think.
[The audience looks at each other, rather disgusted]
ASHLEIGH: [lovingly] What is it, Chris?
CHRIS: Ashleigh, I love you. I'm ... I'm in love with you. So much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I'm young and that most teens my age don't make good decisions, when it comes to love, but I know this is different. I can just feel it. Ashleigh, will you be my girlfriend?
[the audience gasps offscreen]
ASHLEIGH: Oh, yes, Chris! Yes! A thousand times, yes! Yes I will!
[Chris and Ashleigh passionately make out; The audience is shown, groaning and freaking out in absolute disgust]
CAB DRIVER: Well, I was sadly mistaken. I thought she was your gal. [points to Brenda]
BRENDA: Me? No. I already have a boyfriend and he's way cute.
[Camera pans out to show a baby in his stroller]
BRENDA: Isn't that right my little boyfriend. You're so cute. Oh, yes you are. Come give girlfriend a kiss.
[Brenda makes out with her baby]
[The audience groans in even more disgust]
TERRORIST: What the Hell?
[Chris turns to the audience]
CHRIS: Oh, you're groaning at us? You paid nineteen dollars to ride Spirit Air! You get what you get!
[Ext. Charlie's Birthday Party - Day]
[Establishing]
[Int. Charlie's Birthday Party - Day]
[Stewie and Brian walk though the party]
BRIAN: Hey, is that your ex-girlfriend, Olivia?
[Cut to Olivia]
BRIAN: [offscreen] God, what's she doing here?
[Cut back to Brian]
BRIAN: She was always such a nightmare.
STEWIE: Olivia?! Oh, my God, do I look okay? I hate this shirt. [Stewie takes his shirt off in a panic] Switch shirts. Switch shirts!
[Olivia enters]
OLIVIA: Stewie? Oh, I thought that was you.
STEWIE: [flexing] Hey, Olivia, hey, what brings you here?
OLIVIA: Oh, the birthday boy and I met at Burt Reynolds' acting camp in Jupiter, Florida.
STEWIE: Well, I'm glad to hear you're still acting. You know, the last time I saw you, you were-
OLIVIA: Burning in a cardboard house?
STEWIE: Yeah, burning in a cardboard house, yeah. Uh, hey, listen, uh, I don't know if you've heard, but we're the entertainment.
OLIVIA: Aw, that's good. Good for you. Okay, great to see you.
[Olivia exits]
BRIAN: Come on, Stewie, it's not about her. It's about Charlie and the kids. We're up next.
[Petting Zoo Guy enters, covered in snakes and lizards and rats]
PETTING ZOO GUY: It's a hot crowd, have fun out there. I'm gonna go feed everything in my van to each other.
[Petting Zoo Guy exits]
[Cut to Charlie's Dad on stage]
CHARLIE'S DAD: Okay, kids, if everyone's done washing their hands from the snakes, we have some fun music for y-[screaming] NO CLIMBING ON THE BOAT! [normal] Okay, now please welcome Red Shirt Blue Shirt.
[Stewie and Brian come up on stage]
BRIAN: Hey, kids. We're Red Shirt Blue Shirt. I'm red shirt.
STEWIE: No, Brian. Really?
BRIAN: What? Oh, sorry. Color blind.
STEWIE: ... And I'm red shirt. And here's a song we call "Mommy and Daddy's Room".
[Stewie and Brian play their song]
STEWIE: [singing] When everybody's gone to sleep And you've said good night moon There's plenty of noise still coming From Mommy and Daddy's room.
BRIAN: [singing] Oh, Daddy says "Please," Mommy says "No".
STEWIE: [singing] Daddy says "Come on," Mommy says "Whoa"!
BRIAN: [singing] Daddy goes "[grunt]"!, Mommy goes "Ow"!
STEWIE: [singing] Daddy says "I'm done," Mommy goes "Wow".
STEWIE/BRIAN: [singing] Daddy rolls over and falls asleep. Mommy drinks wine in the dark.
[The audience cheers and Olivia looks at them and smiles mischievously]
BRIAN: My God, did you hear 'em, Stewie? We're a hit. We got to go out and celebrate.
OLIVIA: Oh, he can't go out with you tonight. He's got a date with me.
STEWIE: Really? Awesome. Brian, I can't go. I'm not feeling well.
BRIAN: Stewie, I've been standing here the whole time. But, you know-you know what, that's fine. I'll just go have a dog-style celebration by myself.
[Cutaway to Brian jumping through a field of meadows]
[Brian jumps up]
BRIAN: Yeah!
[Brian jumps up]
BRIAN: Awesome time!
[Brian jumps up]
BRIAN: This is very fun for me!
[Another dog jumps up]
OTHER DOG: Hey!
[Brian jumps up]
BRIAN: Oh, hey!
[The other dog jumps up]
OTHER DOG: This is fun, right?
[Brian jumps up]
BRIAN: The best!
[Peter jumps up]
PETER: And me, too!
[END OF ACT ONE]
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