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2000 Yr Virhgin
The 2000-Year-Old Virgin is an episode of Family Guy.

Synopsis

Peter runs into Jesus Christ at the mall, shortly before his birthday and while catching up with him, finds out that he's still a virgin.

Plot

On a trip to the Quahog Mall before Christmas, Peter and Lois bump into Jesus and discover that he is still hanging around Quahog due to not being entirely comfortable dealing with his own home life with God. Jesus invites Peter over to his place; However, since it is a depressing bachelor apartment, Peter invites him out with the guys to have a drink. There, they start to plan a birthday party and discover that he has never had sex. To make his birthday special, they promise to help him lose his virginity. As Lois advises Peter to be gentile with his attempt, they take Jesus out where he experiences multiple failures. Trying the internet, Joe's inquiry into the age of a girl on Peter's computer cuts things short.

As Peter mopes about striking out, Lois tries her hand and takes Jesus out to find out his likes. She encourages Jesus to be himself, but her nice manners cause him to want to sleep with her. Approaching Peter about his issue to help him, Peter is shocked but agrees to help when Jesus promises him an expensive massage chair in return for sleeping with Lois. He lets Lois know about Jesus' interest in her and she reluctantly agrees. As they head out together, Peter enjoys his chair but has a fantasy of Lois and Jesus having sex and has second thoughts. These are confirmed when other members of the bar confirm that Jesus does the stunt of playing loser single guy to sleep with a lot of women. Peter tries multiple ways to get to their liaison to stop things, eventually settling on borrowing a tobaggon. He finds the hotel where they are staying and rushes to the room to find they no cheating took place as Lois decided that their marriage was too good. Jesus applauds their “lesson”, spinning a tale of resisting temptation and leaves them to celebrate their Christmas.

Rupert's gift to Stewie was not what was expected as it is revealed that a heart necklace he saw purchased is for Arianna the Bear from The Cleveland Show.

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Quotes

Meg: It's a living.

Peter: You know what, Lois? This Christmas, I'm giving this chair to myself as a present.
Lois: Peter, you can't do that! This chair costs $3,000!
Peter: That's not so much, Lois. It's only infinity times what you bring home every week.
Lois: Infinity times zero is still zero.

Peter: Wow, yeah, wow! It's been a while since we've seen him. Last we saw him, our show was still good.

Peter: Oh, look. Jesus, you shouldn't be alone on Christmas and if I remember correctly, isn't your birthday sometime soon too?
Jesus: Duh, it's on Christmas, the year 0.
Peter: Really? Cuz some self-proclaimed historian who thinks he knows everything told me that was a lie propagated by the Christian media.

[Jesus speed-dates; First date]
Woman #1: So, where do you live?
Jesus: Everywhere. All places. Hopefully, inside you.
[Second date]
Woman #2: This is kind of embarrassing but are you okay with someone who smokes?
Jesus: Oh, yeah. Are you okay with someone who wanders the desert, lecturing people on how to act?
[Third date]
Woman #3: So, are you having a good Friday?
Jesus: Oh, is that supposed to be funny? Shut your mouth, bitch.
[Fourth date]
Woman #4: This wine is terrific.
Jesus: That's my blood you know.
[Fifth date]
Woman #5: So, where are you from?
Jesus: Israel.

Isrealite: I don't know, man. Jesus Hitler Christ just sounds weird.
Jesus: So, just go with "H".
Isrealite: Yeah.

Jesus: Actually, Peter, I want my first time to be with ... Lois.
Peter: Eh, sorry Jesus, but she's taken.
Jesus: Yeah, I figured.
Peter: Yeah, I'm not sure Superman is cool with sharing Lois Lane with anyone.

Lois: Let me get this straight. You want me to have sex with another man.
Peter: Lois, think about it. You sleeping with Jesus could save our marriage.
Lois: Why? What's wrong with our marriage?
Peter: You're sitting around, talking about sleeping with other guys!
Lois: Peter, this was your idea!
Peter: Let's not play the blame game. Clearly, there's been a lot of cheating on both sides.

Peter: The bible's just a bunch of general guidelines. None of the commandments are written in stone.

Chris: I'm sorry, I was just coming down the stairs at the same time.

Cleveland: Anyone think it's oddly coincidental how all the men who Jesus tricked just happen to all be in this bar when it's most convenient?
Quagmire: It's called suspension of disbelief, Cleveland. You need to do that a lot for anything related to that guy.

[Stewie gets a Christmas present from Rupert]
Stewie: Oh, Rupert, you're such a sneak. I wonder what it is. [Stewie opens his present] Oh, ... a Joanie Mitchell CD. That's great, that's really great. 'Scuse me for just one moment.
[Stewie cries in his room while playing the CD]
Stewie: Who did he buy the necklace for?
[Arianna the Bear from The Cleveland Show is seen in her room, putting on the necklace]
Arianna: I'm gunna let that bear go all the way with me.
[Tim opens the door and Arianna quickly covers her necklace with her scarf to hide it from him]
Tim: Hey, uh, Arianna. It's time to open presents. Whatchya doing in here?
Arianna: Uh, nothing ... Nothing, Tim. Yeah, I'll be right down.

Trivia

Continuity

  • This episode references the events of the episode "I Dream of Jesus", by having Jesus come back.

Deleted Scenes

  • A father wearing his coat while eating and being disappointed in his son.
  • Peter going to Tommy Bahama's.
  • Fourth wall joke about someone laughing at Meg's Looney Tunes joke.
  • Jeff Garland having a massage chair in his basement.
  • Peter and Jesus having a dialogue about picking up food on the way to the latter's apartment.
  • Cutaway gag to Peter planning Woodstock.
  • Cutaway gag to some women throwing a 40th birthday party.
  • Peter and Lois having a conversation about how Peter is going to get Jesus laid.
  • Peter looking at child porn on the internet and then ditching his computer.
  • Cutaway gag about an erotic advent calendar.
  • Joe suggesting that Peter takes Jesus to get a massage.
  • Cutaway gag to Peter screaming that he wants pizza from a restaurant.
  • Dialogue trimming with Peter convincing Lois to have sex with Jesus.
  • Cutaway gag where Peter creates Lady Gaga.
  • Stewie tells Brian that he must be sad about Jesus having sex with Lois.
  • Peter telling Jesus not to worry about hitting "rock bottom".
  • Peter describing how he's going to run to his car.
  • Extended version and dialogue trimming of Peter struggling to get to his car.
  • Alternate ending where Adam West gets Rupert's necklace instead of Arianna.
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