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Macho Quags
The "Q" Man Loves Nobody is a song from Family Guy: Live in Las Vegas, sung by Seth MacFarlane, as Glenn Quagmire and Patti LuPone as herself. It would later be recycled into the episode "Kimi Stupid Love", where it would be shortened for television, and Kimi would sing all the parts of Patti.

Lyrics

Live in Las Vegas

Quagmire: Baby, you were crazy if you thought I loved ya
Cause the “Q” Man loves nobody but himself.
Patti: I never knew how twisted a fellow could be.
Quagmire: Hey, I guess it’s good I never told ya I’m into pee.
Patti: Don’t you ever listen to your inner conscience?
Quagmire: Oh, sorry, babe, I wasn’t listening, what?
Patti: You really are total scum.
If only you could see the man that you’ve become.
Quagmire: Baby, you were crazy if you thought I loved ya
Cause the “Q” Man loves nobody,
Patti: You really love nobody,
Quagmire: And boy I mean nobody,
Patti: And boy you mean nobody,
Quagmire: But my own sweet flippin’ self.
Quagmire (Speaking): All right, look, whatever your problem is, just get it off your breast-chest.
Patti: I thought you gave me your heart.
Quagmire (Speaking): I gave you VD, isn’t that enough?
Patti: You said that we’d never part.
Quagmire (Speaking): Oh, I was just kidding.
Patti: You gave me your lovers’ vow.
Quagmire: Ha! If you really thought I meant it, you oughtta get your head examined right now!
Patti: You told me you’d never stray.
Quagmire: Well, that’s cause we hadn’t had sex yet.
Patti: And then you just walked away.
Quagmire (Speaking): Ain’t I a stinker?
Patti: Your attitude really stank!
Quagmire: Look, you don’t need to be a genius to see that I was giving you the yank yank!
Patti (Speaking): What else did you BS me about?
Quagmire (Speaking): Well, since you asked
Quagmire: 'Member when I said I was going down the block
To grab a couple boozers with a pal?
Patti: Yeah, you had a friend from college that you had to meet.
Quagmire: No, I was at the women’s shoe store looking at feet!
Patti (Speaking): What?
Quagmire: 'Member when I said I had a dental checkup?
Well, let me say that I give quite a root canal.
Heh, heh, all right.
Patti: You promised me that you’d be true.
Quagmire: Hey! To me you’re just vagina number 6-0-2
Quagmire: Baby, you were crazy if you thought I loved ya
Cause the “Q” Man loves nobody,
Patti: You really love nobody,
Quagmire: And boy I mean nobody,
Patti: And boy you mean nobody,
Quagmire: But my own sweet flippin’ self.
Patti (Speaking): What do you have to say for yourself, you slime?
'Quagmire (Speaking): Can I just squeeze your left tit a little bit?
Patti (Speaking): You’re the most insensitive man I’ve ever met.
Quagmire (Speaking): Aw, that’s not true; I’ve got feelings the same as the next guy. Why, last week, my grandma died, I was really uspset.
Patti (Speaking): Oh, I’m sorry.
Quagmire (Speaking): So, how about a hand job?
Quagmire: Cause the “Q” Man loves nobody,
Patti: You really love nobody,
Quagmire: And boy I mean nobody,
Patti: And boy you mean nobody,
Quagmire: But my own
Both: Sweet, flippin’ self!

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