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Stewie's First Word is an episode of Family Guy.


The family hears and understands Stewie for the first time and he makes his first word a profanity. Lois tries to find out where he heard that word from.


When the Clam becomes overrun with foreign sports fans, Peter talks the guys into going to Goodwill to root through the dumpster where he finds a Magic 8 Ball and becomed briefly hooked on it's advice.

At Church, when it's announced that there won't be any cookies available due to Lent, Stewie lets out an expletive that is heard by everyone. Lois finds herself shunned because of his behavior, so she sets out to find the source. she originally blames it on television but can't find any swear words in the shows he watches. She then tries to lay a trap for Peter, but fails to get a curse word from him. When she goes to the grocery store and is locked out, she starts to break down and wipes her eyes with an antibacterial wipe, which produces a loud expletive from her, causing her to realize that she is the cause of his cursing.

Lois proposes going to a resort to settle herself, and the family agrees when they realize they can be alone. As they tried to adjust to life without her, she finds that some of the programs just are not for her. When she selects a curse word for her own centering word, the class reacts in horror. She defends it and walks out, greeting the family on her return and earns a second word from Stewie of 'Mommy', but balks at saying it when she has a camera aimed at them.


Major Roles

Minor Roles


Quagmire: God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings. It's all just weird foreign sports fans like those Pakistani cricket hooligans.
Paki #1: If you're not rooting for Lahore, please you may leave! I can tell you!
Paki #2: Lahore cricket is the best and the others are not the best, dear friends!
Joe: I'm for Karachi but I don't got a death witch about it.

Quagmire: Hey, look. A pair of working legs. Dibs on these!
Joe: What? Aw, come on, Quagmire!
Quagmire: Joe, I said "dibs".
Joe: No, no. You're right. You said "dibs".

Cleveland: I can shake anything and find out what all's in there.
[Cutaway to Cleveland shaking Donna]
Cleveland: You're pregnant.
[Cleveland shakes her again]
Cleveland: Nevermind.

Peter: It's my magic 8 ball. This is the first black ball that Kim Kardashian hasn't played with.

Meg: Why's it filled with the blue liquid from tampon commercials?

[Peter is in HR for sexual harassment]
Peter: He told me to do it!
HR Sponsor: Mr. Griffin, if a magic 8 ball asked you to jump off a building, would you do that too?
Peter: ... Did it?

Peter: Magic 8 ball, what's the best Email provider?
[Peter shakes the magic 8 ball]
Peter: Outlook good. Interesting.

Peter: My religion is now the 8 ball.

Peter: Magic 8 ball, is the FOX Network sustainable in this new streaming world?
[The magic 8 ball explodes]
Peter: No! NO!!!
[Kim Kardashian is shown in her house]
Kim Kardashian: [gasp]! Oh no! [sits down] Oh no!
Kourtney Kardashian: Kim, what's wrong?
Kim Kardashian: I sense a major disturbance in the world [shutters and inhales] A black ball just went to waste.

Stewie: I hate this. When do I get my cookie? I just want my cookie so I can go home.
Father Bob: Now please join me in silent prayer and as we settle into the silence, I remind you that in honor of Lent, today's coffee service will not include chewy Chips Ahoy.
Stewie: FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!

Lois: Right now, every woman in my mommy wine group is judging me.
[Cutaway gag to Bonnie, Donna, Kimi, and Sheila in their mommy wine group]
Kimi: Oh my God. Did you hear about Lois' kid?
Sheila: I know. Can you believe he cussed?
Bonnie: What do you think happened?
Donna: I don't know. Just parents who don't monitor their kids' language.
[Rallo enters, holding a box of animal crackers]
Rallo: [to Donna; angry] Yo bitch! When I asked yo' fat ass for animal crackers. I wanted FROSTED [throws the box of animal crackers at Donna, as he says "FROSTED"] animal crackers, ya fuckin' dumbass! Not no goddamn plain! [walks away, mumbling] Jesus, stupid-ass mama. Givin' me mo'fuckin' plain-ass. Shoot! Dumb bitch make me fuckin' starve to death ... Shoot.
Donna: Totally irresponsible.
Sheila: Mmph!
[Back to scene]
Lois: I might have to start drinking wine at home, alone!
Chris: Start?

Stewie: What if that's the only thing I'll ever be able to express? Anger. What kind of a person would I be then?
Brian: Larry David, Christian Bale, Lewis Black, a Trump voter, a feminist, a "Karen" from the internet, everyone on Twitter, everyone in North Korea, a black guy ordering a sandwich at the grocery store Subway, accusing the cashier of being racist for taking too long to wrap up his sandwich?

Lois: You're saying that because of a swear word, my son isn't good enough for your pool party?
Bonnie: It's a little bit about him swearing but mostly about you as a parent.
[Kevin shoots Bonnie in the arm with a crossbow]
Bonnie: OOOWW! Kevin, I said no arrows!
Kevin: [offscreen] Crossbows don't shoot arrows! They shoot bolts, dumbass!
Bonnie: [chuckles] Okay, sweetie.
Kevin: [offscreen] Hey, dad! Did you hear what Einstein called bolts!?
Joe: [offscreen] I heard it.

[Lois watches "Caillou"]
Caillou: Why am I bald? I'm not a baby. I'm four. Are kids just bald in Canada?

Caillou: Dad, why are we sitting on the washing machine?
Boris: Because in Canada, men have vaginas.

Brian: Hey, what's with the stairs? Why do they look different?
Lois: Oh, I'm trying to prove that Peter's the one cussing in the house so I waxed the staircase for him to fall down.
Peter: [offscreen] Hey, Lois. Have you seen my Spider-Man socks? I can't seem to-[falls down the stairs] YAAAAH!-Ouch! Oh, Heavens! Oh, goodness gracious! That smarts! Oh my! Egad! Well, I'll be! Oh, deary me! Heavens to Betsy! Yikes! Oh, bother!

Lois: Chris, what happened?
Chris: I sat on a thumbtack.
Lois: Yes, but why didn't you say the f-word? I'm trying to find where Stewie heard it from.
Chris: Well, he didn't get it from me. In the fashion of BoJack Horseman, I'm making a point of only dropping one f-bomb a season and I'm saving it for the dramatic death scene near the end of the season.
[Cutaway gag to a "future episode", where a very dramatic scene shows Chris standing by Ernie the Giant Chicken and the dead body of Peter, who Ernie just killed]
Chris: I can't BELIEVE you killed my father. The man who raised me, since I was a baby, you BASTARD!
Ernie: Chris, you don't understand I-
Chris: I don't understand!? What? That you did this because of some petty little fight!? A childish little dispute that you two started up 20 years ago?
Ernie: It wasn't petty! I gave that man coupons and he attacked me! Look, ... I'm sorry I had to take a father from you. Believe me, I have nothing against you. It's just ... I want you to be happy, Chris, because I care-
Chris: Save it, Ernie. It's obvious you care about yourself even more. You know what? ... I don't say this to just anyone but I'm saying it to you. I hate you ... You took away my father, ... someone who I only get one of, and who many people aren't even lucky enough to have to begin with. Your opinions on my dad don't matter. You DESTROYED a part of a so-called "friend" of yours, that I will never get back ... You know what, Ernie? ... Fuck you!
[Back to scene]
Chris: Beautiful.

Caillou Narrator: Lois couldn't find the swearer. Nor could she remove the voice of the grating Caillou narrator from her head.
Caillou Narrator: Not until you kill them all, Lois.

[Lois tries to wipe her eyes with the anti-bacterial wipes for the shopping carts]

[Lois gets kicked out of the Stop 'N Shop]
Peter: I'm so sorry that happened, Lois...and Lofthouse cookies weren't available at any other grocery store?
Chris: Don't worry, dad. I Instacarted some.
[A depressed millennial on his phone delivers cookies to the house]
Millennial: Here's your stuff.
Peter: Thank you. Have a good night.
Millennial: No.

Peter: Everyone's glad your home ... except for mean, older brother Buzz, who never says anything nice. Uh-oh. Here he is now!
[Buzz McCallister from "Home Alone" enters]
Buzz McAllister: Hey, Lois ... pretty cool you're back.
Peter: Ah, I guess he's not such a bad guy after all.
Buzz McAllister: Also, America should only accept white immigrants.
Peter: Oh, nevermind then.

Stewie: Mommy!


  • Stewie says his first word that the family can understand and that word is "FUCK!"
    • The family seems to be unable to hear or understand everything else Stewie says, only being capable of hearing him cuss.
    • Stewie's second audible word is "Mommy".
  • Brian goes to church in this episode despite being established as an Atheist and not appearing at church many times before for this reason.
    • It's possible he was either blackmailed into attending, or he decided to tag along of his own volition. Whether or not these speculations are true is up for debate.
  • Donna is 11 periods away from menopause.
  • Peter says that his new religion is following the orders of his Magic 8 Ball.
  • The Holy Christ Church is renamed the "Saint Susan Saint James Church", though it's likely this is just a gag.
  • Stewie and Father Bob both watch "Mindhunter".
  • This episode takes place during Lent.
  • Lois drinks wine at home alone.
  • Brian tries to eat Lois, when he assumes she's dead.
  • The backyard of The Griffin House is infested with a family of voles.
  • Lois says "Fuck" to relieve stress.

Cultural References

  • Peter finds a VHS of Eraserhead.
  • Peter finds a Sorry board game.
  • Peter says that the his Magic 8 Ball is the first "black ball" that Kim Kardashian hasn't played with. This is a reference to Kim's marriages to African-Americans, Damon Thomas and Kanye West as well as her relationships with Miles Austin, Reggie Bush, and Ray J.
  • The Magic 8 Ball makes a reference to the E-mail provider, Outlook.
  • Peter wonders if FOX Network can stay afloat, when streaming services are taking over media.
  • Stewie and Father Bob stream Mindhunter in church.
  • Stewie things that Greta Gerwig is a national treasure.
  • Brian's list of people who can only express anger include Larry David, Lewis Black, a Trump voter, and everyone on Twitter.
  • When Stewie tries to get people to hear him to no avail, the iconic Curb Your Enthusiasm music, "Frolic" plays.
  • Kevin sarcastically compares Bonnie to Albert Einstein.
  • Lois watches Caillou, assuming Stewie heard the f-word from that show.
  • Peter has Spiderman socks.
  • Peter eats Saltines with Boris.
  • Peter says that Boris is wearing what he thinks Rachel Maddow would wear to a pumpkins patch.
  • Peter and Chris eat Lofthouse cookies.
  • Roger compares the tampon-filled lake to a Braveheart battlefield.
  • Buzz McAllister from Home Alone appears to say something nice to Lois and racist about non-whites.
  • Chris and Peter act like friends of Jack Kerouac.


  • The famous joke of Peter falling down the stairs from "The Blind Side" again, with Lois waxing the stairs to make Peter fall down them and cuss, only for Peter to make non-profane exclamations.

Deleted Scenes

  • Cutaway gag of seagull leading pilgrims to Boston.
  • Peter leaves the church in anger to go to breakfast.
  • Stewie making a comment about veggieburgers.
  • Stewie making another comment about veggieburgers.
  • Lois says she can see the Insta-Cart people emotionlessly filling their packages.
  • Lois wants to take a dump in the grocery store.
  • The Caillou narrator brings up how Lois needs to take a dump outside.
  • Principal Shepherd explains the masturbation joke.
  • Cutaway gag to Chris and Peter jetskiing and killing dolphins.
  • Peter getting drunk, while he needs to take care of Stewie.
  • Entire scene of Trey Headband being a terrible teacher, going diarrhea, and having Principal Shepherd explaining the joke.
  • Peter mentions more abusive stuff about Stewie.
  • Stewie fooling Brian, apparently.
  • Chris and Peter doing a random joke about people being Jack Kerouac's insufferable friends.