Stand By Meg is an episode of Family Guy.
Meg becomes Stewie's guardian angel, when she saves him from choking, and Stewie vows to protect her from getting abused. Meanwhile, Chris gets sent to vocational school.
Principal Shepherd has a family meeting with Peter and Lois to tell them that Chris is flunking in all of his classes. Because of this, he needs to get sent to vocational school, despite the fact that these are generally for Italian people. Lois is unhappy about Chris having to go here, as a vocational school will limit his options. Principal Shepherd break the fourth wall with a joke about Chris getting a job as a Family Guy writer, and the fourth wall construction worker yells at them, that he just fixed the fourth wall, after their last joke. However, Principal Shepherd pulls off the "Dummysayswhat?" joke on Lois, tricking her into agreeing to send him there.
Lois asks Meg to take Stewie to Susie's birthday party, not wanting to do it herself, as she's trying to evade Bonnie, Kimi, and Donna, the three judgy sitcom moms, who make subtle insults toward her every time they see her. Unfortunately, while Lois gets Chris ready for his first day of vocational school, out in the driveway, Kimi passes by her, on her way to the party and drops an insult on her, about how she's a failure as a mother.
Chris gets a warm welcome from the Italians on his first day of vocational school and quickly befriends two teens named Rocko and Socko. In history class, they learn about Benito Mussolini, and Chris actually does a good job.
Meg takes Stewie to Susie's birthday party. Bonnie, Kimi, and Donna do nothing but gossip, triggering Kevin. Kevin gets mad at his mom for insulting her, and leaves the party, despite being told to stay. Stewie goes over to a bowl of grapes and eats one, choking on it. Meg runs to save his life, and when she does, Stewie is so grateful, that he owes Meg her life and makes her his guardian angel.
Peter, Chris, and Lois abuse Meg some, and as her new servant, Stewie does not approve of how they treat her. So, he knocks all three of her abusers out and chains them up in the cellar.
Things go dark with Chris' friends at vocational school, when it's revealed they're part of a gang, and their teacher is their boss. Mr. Oochiesquilatta orders them to hit a guy, who was messing around with his girlfriend, which they do, and Chris is quick to find himself, being perfectly okay with it. He also learns that people can pay him to hit people of their choosing, and he starts to like the job.
Stewie goes to Meg's school, pretending to be a parole officer, so he can punish Connie for bullying Meg. However, Stewie's idea of a cop is an old timey British cop, so he can't be taken seriously. Meg tells Stewie that she appreciates the sentiment, but if Stewie really wants to make her happy, he'll find her a boyfriend. Meanwhile, Kevin gets assaulted by Chris, Rocko, and Socko. Apparently Bonnie paid them to do this, for bailing on Susie's party. but Stewie ignored it, like a real parole officer should.
Chris invites Rocko and Socko to his house, and Lois is horrified to hear about the things Chris is doing at his school. However, she gets on board with it quick, when she hears she can pay him to hit Bonnie.
Brian and Stewie look for a boyfriend for Meg, but have no success, as nobody is desperate enough for her, except for Kevin Swanson. Someone who is suicidal, because of how his mom treats him and because of Iraq PTSD. Kevin attempts to kill himself in the road, but Brian and Stewie hook him up with Meg, stopping him, and fixing up Meg with a boy that she once had a crush on, and probably still might.
Stewie and Brian give all the employees at the dating diner, the day off, as they work there, so that nobody else can interrupt Meg's date with Kevin. However, Stewie didn't check the reservation book, as a church choir of 46 people show up, and they have to deal with that.
Chris, Rocko, and Socko hit Bonnie, but they nearly kill her. After this, Chris is shaken up and he can't take the pressure of being in the gang anymore. He has to get back into his old school, so he hunts Principal Shepherd down at The Festival of El Gerrado. He goes into Principal Shepherd's apartment and points a gun at him, but instead of shooting him, all he did was use the "Dummysayswhat?" trick on him, to get him to accept him back into James Woods Regional High School again.
Meg returns home from her date, saying that she and Kevin broke up. Brian tries to comfort her, but Meg says that she dumped Kevin, because he was annoying. Stewie congratulates Meg, and thinks it's good that they made her life better, because Meg likes the fact that she got to be the dumper for once, and feel superior to someone more pathetic than herself. This moment doesn't last long, when Chris rushes in, being chased by his former gang. Chris gets naked and puts his clothes on Meg. When the gang busts in, they think Meg is Chris and hit her for bailing on the gang. After they leave, Meg lies bleeding on the ground and begs Stewie to call the doctor, but Stewie fears getting involved with gang activity, and convinces himself that he already paid his dues as Meg's servant, by hooking her up with Kevin and making her feel superior. He breaks the fourth wall to say goodbye to the audience, pissing off the construction worker, as he has to fix the fourth wall once again.
- Peter Griffin
- Lois Griffin
- Chris Griffin
- Meg Griffin
- Stewie Griffin
- Brian Griffin
- Joe Swanson
- Bonnie Swanson
- Kevin Swanson
- Principal Shepherd
- Susie Swanson
- Connie D'amico
- Gina Resedes
- Neil Goldman
- Mr. Oochiesquilatta
- Michelin Man
- Lou Spinazola (Cameo)
- Rallo Tubbs (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Vinny Filipeli (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Mr. Tony (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Elmer Hartman (Deleted Scene)
- Fred Sanford (Deleted Scene)
- Zooey Deschanel (Deleted Scene)
- Principal Shepherd: Parentsofafailingstudentsaywhat?
- Peter: What?
- Lois: No, Peter wait!
- Principal Shepherd: Nope. Too late. He said it. I'm marking it.
- [Principal Shepherd goes to a chalkboard, where he gives himself a tally mark]
- Principal Shepherd: Principal Shepherd 26, parents 1. Yeah, I couldn't get The Wu Family. They're very smart. Asian. Maybe they didn't understand me. Then they should have said, "what". I don't know.
- Chris: [rapping] Alexander Hamilton was white!
- Principal Shepherd: Vocational school is where less academically capable students learn a trade.
- Lois: Don't you have to be Italian to go to one of those schools?
- Principal Shepherd: Uhp, there will be plenty of those jokes later in the episode.
- Lois: Won't vocational school, limit Chris' job options down the road?
- Principal Shepherd: [lacking confidence] No. He'll have a wide range of career options.
- Lois: [testing him] Such as?
- Principal Shepherd: Uh, ... dishwasher installer ... dishwasher repairman ... and ... Oh, and dish washer.
- Lois: Those are three terrible options.
- Principal Shepherd: Oh, wait, hold on! He can also be a Family Guy writer.
- Lois: That's even worse!
- [A giant wall with the number 4 on it breaks; behind it is an audience; a construction worker comes up]
- Construction Worker: Aw, guys, come on! I just fixed that!
- Lois: Why Meg, don't you look pretty today?
- Meg: Thanks mom.
- Stewie: She's gonna ask you for something.
- Bonnie: Oh hi, Lois. Gosh, I just love how you always look so comfortable.
- Kimi: I know. Are those pajamas?
- Donna: And I'm the black one, for unrealistic diversity.
- Chris: I can't believe I have to go vocational school. Does this mean that I'm a failure?
- Lois: No, sweetie. It means that we're failures.
- [Kimi walks by]
- Kimi: Listen to your mother, Chris.
- Lois: Dammit, Kimi!
- Mr. Oochiesquilatta: Alright, settle down, ya yuks. We got a new student, Chris Griffin. So, everybody give him an Ayyy!
- Students: Ayyy!
- Mr. Oochiesquilatta: Look at that. Your first day and you got all Ayyys!
- Rocko: Your last name's "Griffin"? What kind of name is that?
- Socko: Yeah, Where's the "Oochie" or "Squalatta" at the end?
- Chris: I have a different culture than you.
- Rocko: You Jewish?
- Chris: No, I'm American.
- Socko: Interesting.
- Mr. Oochiesquilatta: Hey, chip-chop ya yuks, quit the chit-chat! Class is starting. So, welcome to class, Chris. I'm your teacher, Mr. Oochiesquilatta, and this here, is first period history.
- Bonnie: You know, I get it. If you're spending all this time fighting a war against people from another country, naturally, you're gunna be a little racist against them.
- Kimi: But not all Vietnamese people are evil. The war is over. My grandpa needs to start getting woke.
- Bonnie: He will. Kevin went through a phase, where he hated the Iraqis but recently, he's been watching a lot of Mia Khalifa.
- Kevin: Mom! What the hell!? You looked through my search history!?
- Bonnie: Actually, I didn't look through your history.
- Kevin: Then how did you know about Mia Khalifa!?
- Bonnie: Kevin, come on! Every day, I can hear you screamsturbating in your room.
- Kimi: Screamsturwha?
- Bonnie: PTSD must be one Hell of a thing. When he cocks his rifle, he acts like he's still on the battlefield.
- Kevin: Mom! Don't share that! That's my business! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO EMBARRASS ME ALL THE TIME!
- Bonnie: Kevin, you embarrass yourself.
- Kevin: God, you suck mom! I'm leaving!
- [Kevin leaves]
- Bonnie: You'd better not leave! It's Susie's birthday!
- Kevin: [offscreen] I DON'T CARE!
- Bonnie: Oh, that son of a bitch.
- Kimi: What was that all about?
- Bonnie: Teenagers. Especially those with PTSD. It's really difficult raising a veteran. You'd never get it.
- Kimi: I know the struggle must be hard.
- Donna: And I'm the black one for unrealistic diversity.
- [Husband uses the bathroom and goes back to bed, without washing his hands]
- Wife: [yawns] Did you wash your hands?
- Husband: Yeah.
- [Meg is sitting on the couch and Peter walks in]
- Peter: Alright, time for Bethany Frankel. America's favorite chattering pirate skeleton.
- [Peter sits down on Meg]
- Meg: Dad! Dad get off me! Get off me dad!
- Lois: Peter, leave the baby alone. Why don't you pick on someone your own size, like William Howard Taft.
- Lois: And Meg, why are you on the couch? You know you're not supposed to be on the furniture.
- Italian Kid: Guys! I just called Pete's! They're closed forever!
- Other Italians: [shocked] What!?
- Chris: Who answered the phone?
- Stewie: Ello, ello, ello. What's all this, then?
- Socko: Mr. and Mrs. G, thanks so much for havin' us over for dinner.
- Lois: Oh, it's our pleasure. Chris has said so many nice things about you.
- Rocko: Ay, maybe one or two of them are true.
- Neil: I just looked at some porn and I need you guys to give me some assisted relief. I can't do it myself. It's the sabbath.
- Brian: Okay, this ... this is starting to sound a little weird.
- Neil: It's not weird. It's Jewish. [testy] You got a problem with my religion?
- [Stewie and Brian look at each other, disgusted. Afterwards, they leave Neil's house]
- Brian: I can't believe we did all that, and he still turned us down.
- Stewie: I know and al-also, Brian. It's Thursday.
- [Stewie and Brian sit at a table, and Kevin walks up]
- Kevin: Hey, guys? Can you hold my phone and point it over this way? I wanna live stream my suicide.
- Brian: Yeah, sure Kevin.
- [Kevin gets naked, sits down in the middle of the road, and douses himself in gasoline, preparing kill himself in the background, while Brian talks]
- Brian: You know what it is, Stewie? It's a selfishness. It's an inability too look out and see someone, who needs someone. It's-it's just-it's a lack of empathy.
- Kevin: Can you make sure I'm totally in the frame?
- Brian: [to Kevin] Yeah, I'm not a pro. You get what you get. [to Stewie] Anyway, what is wrong with people, that they're so myopic, and j-preoccupied with their own little lives?
- Kevin: Is it on?
- Brian: [to Kevin] It's whatever it was, when you handed it to me. [to Stewie] The point is, there's someone out there for everyone, if they're just willing to open their eyes and look.
- [Meg does a one-woman performance of Hair, completely naked]
- Meg: [singing] Let the sun shine. Let the sunshine in. Let the sun shine in.
- Peter: Should have called it, "Too Much Hair".
- [Principal Shepherd sees Peter's crotch]
- Principal Shepherd: Oh my God! That is not what a testicle is supposed to look like! Has a doctor seen this?
- Woman: Twenty four of us selected the salmon, sixteen the filet, and six vegetarian.
- Vegan: [offscreen] One vegan.
- Woman: [annoyed] Five vegetarian. One vegan.
- Kevin: More appetizer?
- Meg: No thanks, cauliflower gives me the scoots.
- Peter: Chris, we're worried about you and your new friends.
- Chris: Pa, don't worry about it.
- Peter: Don't worry about it ... okay.
- Chris: Aguylettingmebackintoschoolsayswhat?
- Principal Shepherd: What? Dammit!
- Chris Okay, see you on Monday.
- [Chris enters the room, and slams the door quickly; He is completely naked, carrying his clothes, and panting in fear]
- Meg: Ew, Chris! Why are you naked?
- [Chris runs past Meg, throwing his shirt at her and putting his hat on her]
- Chris: Put this on!
- [Chris runs upstairs]
- Meg: Ew! What the hell? Chris!
- [With Chris' hat still on her head, Meg holds his shirt in front of her, to get it off of her; She happens to be holding the shirt by the shoulders, making it appear as though she's wearing it; Just then, Rocko, Socko, and a two other gang members kick down the door]
- Rocko: There he is!
- [Socko shoots Meg in the arm, believing him to be Chris]
- Meg: AAAAAUUUUGH!!!
- Socko: Let's get him!
- Meg: AAAAAAAAAH!!!
- [The gang surrounds Meg; Socko stands behind her, holding her by the arms, and Rocko grabs the collar of Chris' shirt, as though it were actually attached to the person; the two other gang members stand on her sides and take turns punching her face back and forth]
- Socko: This is what happens, when you bail on the gang, Chris! This is what happens when you bail!
- [They guys stop punching her]
- Meg: I'm not Chris!
- Rocko: Don't give us any of that "you got the wrong guy" crap. Because we're really exhausted, and we don't have the time and effort for finding the real guy.
- Meg: [moans in pain]
- Rocko: Alright, he's had enough.
- [The gang drops her, and leaves the house; As they pass by the horrified Stewie and Brian, Socko stomps and lunges toward them, making them jolt backwards in fear]
- Meg: [in pain] Stewie ... I need a doctor. Call an ambulance, ... or I might die!
- Stewie: Yeah, I already helped you with getting a date, sooooo ... I've paid my dues.
- Meg: [angered, but still in pain] What!? Stewie! I saved your life! This is equally returning the favor!
- Stewie: Yeah, but when you saved my life, you weren't at risk of getting blacklisted by Italian mobsters, sooooo ... no.
- Meg: Fuck you!
- Stewie: [to the camera] Thanks for watching, everyone! See you next week!
- [Fourth wall breaks again, the construction worker is standing there]
- Construction Worker: God dammit, kid!
- The fourth wall is broken three times in this episode.
- Meg falls out of love with Kevin in this episode.
- The title references the Stephen King film Stand by Me.
- The camera shot of walking though the vocational school mimic a scene from Goodfellas, complete with "Then He Kissed Me" by The Crystals.
- Peter's crotch shots parody those of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
- The scene where Chris asks to be let back into school is a parody of the murder of Don Fanucci in The Godfather Part II.
- Brian and Stewie watch Normal Activity, a reference to the Paranormal Activity film series.
- Meg appears in Romeo and Juliet and Hair and sings "The Farmer and the Cowman" from Oklahoma!
- Chris gets into trouble at school when he calls attention to Alexander Hamilton being white, in contrast to his portrayal in the rap musical Hamilton by Hispanic actor Lin-Manuel Miranda.