Family Guy Fanon Wiki

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Secondhand Spoke is an episode of Family Guy.


After seeing how Stella gets smoke breaks, Peter becomes a smoker himself. Meanwhile, Stewie helps Chris stand up to his bullies.




Major Roles

Minor Roles


Stewie: You know, that was a stroller. Not a speedbump.

Peter: Well, I have officially seen every video ever on YouTube. Gotta say there's not a bad one.

Angela: I need these shipping and voices filed immediately.
Stella: I'll be right back.
Peter: There she goes again. How come she always skips out when there's work to do?
Angela: She's just taking a smoke break.

Principal Shepherd: God, there's like nobody hot at this school anymore.

Principal Shepherd: First off, we have a new rule. No more asking the gym teachers if they went to college. They did not.

Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm gunna need to ask you a few questions. Do you think I can jump and touch that pipe up there?
Peter: I don't know.
Dr. Hartman: The hell I can't! [jumps up and touches the pipe] There got it.
Lois: Yeah, I guess your fingertips grazed it.
Dr. Hartman: Yeah, that counts as a dunk.

Lois: Dr. Hartman, we're here for you to help Peter quit smoking.
Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, I can't do that. It's an addiction. I can't even get my son to stop being gay.

Stewie: Chris, I've got good news.
Chris: Aw, I'll take the bad news first.
Stewie: No, what? There is no bad news.
Chris: Oh, alright. Then give me the good news first.

Stewie: I'll never get to express disappointment with young people, while putting in my dentures.
[Cutaway gag to Stewie as an extremely old man looking at some kids out the window]
Stewie: Stupid younger generation. Back in my day, we had Katy Perry. Justin Bieber. That was real music.
[Puts in his dentures]

Peter: Lois, why does everybody on here look like Emperor Palpatine?

Lois: Peter, what are you doing!? I thought you quit!
Peter: Hey, if George Michael doesn't have to give up butts, why should I?

Kid: [offscreen] God, I love walking in the hall!

Chris: Thanks to you, I'm no longer getting bullies.
Stewie: Well, that's great. I guess we put those bullies in their place, huh?
Chris: Yeah. Two of them shot themselves.
Stewie: Oh, that's so good to hear, Chris.

Peter: Well, I finally quit smoking and I'm ready to go back to normal!
Lois: Peter, that's not how it works! The damage you've done is irreversible!
Brian: Yeah, Lois is right. As bad as you look, the damage you've done to your heart and lungs is, no doubt, exponentially worse.
Peter: What!? Well, ... uh-uh, try cutting to the outside of the house over some music. That usually works!
[Establishing shot of the house; Interior: Peter is still ugly]
Peter: Fuck!


  • Insults Chris wrote on his geometry test:
    • Hey, queerbo, nice hair. Did you kill that possum yourself or was it dead when you found it?
    • You strike me as the kind of guy who's never been laid and never will be. Am I wrong?
    • Nice sunglasses, douchebag. Do you use them to cover your autism-eyes, shoots up schools with those on, or both?
    • Not gunna lie, Your beanie's the gayest thing I've ever seen.

Deleted Scenes

  • Cutaway gag about Scarface.
  • Peter mentioning how weird it is for a deaf person to smoke.
  • Cutaway gag to Peter having a Denmarkian ancestor with a really big table.
  • Peter being a perv as he listens to Meg's story about her hot friend Melissa.
  • Some guy says he's moving tomorrow.
  • Dumb gay joke about Sherlock Holmes and Watson.
  • Some weird guy has sex with Meg.
  • Stewie talks about Chris' music teacher who changes pants with a trash bag.
  • Cutaway gag to God coaching Jesus.
  • Mr. Stone makes a dumb joke about wives.
  • Peter has a bunch of violent sex with a hillbilly.
  • Peter tries to touch his toes.
  • Larry the naked hillbilly comes back for more sex.
  • Chris makes a dumb Jeff Zucker joke.
  • Principal Shepherd tells the kids to stop making fun of teachers who don't have cars.
  • Peter asks if Chris and Stewie are done with their scene.