Secondhand Spoke is an episode of Family Guy.
After seeing how Stella gets smoke breaks, Peter becomes a smoker himself. Meanwhile, Stewie helps Chris stand up to his bullies.
- Lois Griffin
- Meg Griffin
- Brian Griffin
- Glenn Quagmire
- Joe Swanson
- Angela Everwood
- Neil Goldman
- Principal Shepherd
- Dr. Hartman
- Jerome Cool J
- Sandy (Cameo)
- Owl (Cameo)
- Lou Costello (Cameo)
- Bonnie Swanson (Mentioned)
- Larry (Deleted Scene)
- Scarface (Deleted Scene)
- King of Denmark Griffin (Deleted Scene)
- Sherlock Holmes (Deleted Scene)
- John H. Watson (Deleted Scene)
- God (Deleted Scene)
- Jesus Christ (Deleted Scene; Voice Only)
- Stewie: You know, that was a stroller. Not a speedbump.
- Peter: Well, I have officially seen every video ever on YouTube. Gotta say there's not a bad one.
- Angela: I need these shipping and voices filed immediately.
- Stella: I'll be right back.
- Peter: There she goes again. How come she always skips out when there's work to do?
- Angela: She's just taking a smoke break.
- Principal Shepherd: God, there's like nobody hot at this school anymore.
- Principal Shepherd: First off, we have a new rule. No more asking the gym teachers if they went to college. They did not.
- Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm gunna need to ask you a few questions. Do you think I can jump and touch that pipe up there?
- Peter: I don't know.
- Dr. Hartman: The hell I can't! [jumps up and touches the pipe] There got it.
- Lois: Yeah, I guess your fingertips grazed it.
- Dr. Hartman: Yeah, that counts as a dunk.
- Lois: Dr. Hartman, we're here for you to help Peter quit smoking.
- Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, I can't do that. It's an addiction. I can't even get my son to stop being gay.
- Stewie: Chris, I've got good news.
- Chris: Aw, I'll take the bad news first.
- Stewie: No, what? There is no bad news.
- Chris: Oh, alright. Then give me the good news first.
- Stewie: I'll never get to express disappointment with young people, while putting in my dentures.
- [Cutaway gag to Stewie as an extremely old man looking at some kids out the window]
- Stewie: Stupid younger generation. Back in my day, we had Katy Perry. Justin Bieber. That was real music.
- [Puts in his dentures]
- Peter: Lois, why does everybody on here look like Emperor Palpatine?
- Lois: Peter, what are you doing!? I thought you quit!
- Peter: Hey, if George Michael doesn't have to give up butts, why should I?
- Kid: [offscreen] God, I love walking in the hall!
- Chris: Thanks to you, I'm no longer getting bullies.
- Stewie: Well, that's great. I guess we put those bullies in their place, huh?
- Chris: Yeah. Two of them shot themselves.
- Stewie: Oh, that's so good to hear, Chris.
- Peter: Well, I finally quit smoking and I'm ready to go back to normal!
- Lois: Peter, that's not how it works! The damage you've done is irreversible!
- Brian: Yeah, Lois is right. As bad as you look, the damage you've done to your heart and lungs is, no doubt, exponentially worse.
- Peter: What!? Well, ... uh-uh, try cutting to the outside of the house over some music. That usually works!
- [Establishing shot of the house; Interior: Peter is still ugly]
- Peter: Fuck!
- Insults Chris wrote on his geometry test:
- Hey, queerbo, nice hair. Did you kill that possum yourself or was it dead when you found it?
- You strike me as the kind of guy who's never been laid and never will be. Am I wrong?
- Nice sunglasses, douchebag. Do you use them to cover your autism-eyes, shoots up schools with those on, or both?
- Not gunna lie, Your beanie's the gayest thing I've ever seen.
- Cutaway gag about Scarface.
- Peter mentioning how weird it is for a deaf person to smoke.
- Cutaway gag to Peter having a Denmarkian ancestor with a really big table.
- Peter being a perv as he listens to Meg's story about her hot friend Melissa.
- Some guy says he's moving tomorrow.
- Dumb gay joke about Sherlock Holmes and Watson.
- Some weird guy has sex with Meg.
- Stewie talks about Chris' music teacher who changes pants with a trash bag.
- Cutaway gag to God coaching Jesus.
- Mr. Stone makes a dumb joke about wives.
- Peter has a bunch of violent sex with a hillbilly.
- Peter tries to touch his toes.
- Larry the naked hillbilly comes back for more sex.
- Chris makes a dumb Jeff Zucker joke.
- Principal Shepherd tells the kids to stop making fun of teachers who don't have cars.
- Peter asks if Chris and Stewie are done with their scene.