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Lois Wapping at Carter
Regarding Carter is an episode of Family Guy.

Synopsis

When Carter buys Lois a gun for her birthday, it dawns on her that Carter is a pretty shit father.

Plot

TBA

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Songs

Quotes

Peter: Happy birthday, Lois. You know, today, you officially become the oldest woman I've ever slept with.
Lois: Yes, you said the same thing last year.
Peter: Well, unlike you, that joke never gets old. Oh, and I forgot to pick up the cake.

Lois: Oh, hi, Daddy. You missed the party ... by a couple of days.
Carter: I know. I'm sorry. Happy late 44th birthday, sweetie.
Lois: [sigh]
Carter: What? Look, I'm sorry, I'm a few days late, for your turning 44, I-
Lois: A few days late? Daddy, I'm 45!
Carter: Oh.

Lois: I'm trying to explain that guns are hazardous and unsafe! Not have a conversation about a tepid 1990's Canadian sketch group.
Carter: You're wrong about guns and comedy. I'm out of here! Buh-bye!
[Carter leaves]
Lois: Was that a tepid 1990's David Spade reference?
Carter: [offscreen] People are allowed to like things!

Brian: Peter, you wanna watch Netflix?
Meg: Yeah, let's watch one of those stand-up specials.
Chris: Oh, yeah. There's a bunch of them, they ought to be good.
Peter: Alright, let's see.
[Peter flips through Netflix specials; Flips to Tom Segura's Completely Normal]
Peter: Tom Segura? No.
[Flips to Chris D'Elia's Man on Fire]
Peter: No.
[Flips to Chris Rock's Tamborine]
Peter: No.
[Flips to Margaret Cho's Psycho]
Peter: Chinese girl.
[Flips to Ali Wong's Hard Knock Wife]
Peter: Another Chinese girl.
[Flips to Aparna Nancherla's The Standups]
Peter: No.
[Flips to Bo Burnham's What]
Peter: No.
[Flips to Amy Schumer's The Leather Special]
Peter: God, no.
[Flips to Angelah Johnson's Not Fancy]
Peter: Angelah Johnson? Jeez, they're giving one of these to everyone. How come I don't have one?
Brian: You do, Peter. This is the taped intro.
[Guy comes in]
Guy: Mr. Griffin, you're on.
[Walls open up behind him and there's a big audience there. The screen shows Peter walking out on the stage and the title of the special "Peter Griffin's I'm Thinkin' I Might" appears]
Peter: Good evening, Ithaca Civic Auditorium.
[Audience Cheers]
Peter: So, I'm thinkin' I might get a bike.
[Audience Cheers]
Peter: For you kids out there, a bike is something people rode around on, before they invented Uber.
[Audience Laughs]
Peter: You know, one of these things? Ring-ring. Ring-ring. "I'll get you, Toto!"
[Audience Laughs]
Peter: I'm thinkin' I might do a five minute long cutaway, involving a frame-by-frame recreation of a scene from Premium Rush.
[Audience Laughs]
Peter: Yeah. I'm thinkin' I might.
[Audience Cheers]

Brian: [To Lois] So what'd you do with the gun?
Peter: [attention drawn] Gun?

Peter: Where was that during birthday sex?
Lois: Unlike you, guns can actually fire.
Chris: I don't think this marriage needs a gun.

Brian: Good for Lois. Guns are a major problem, especially in the hands of someone like-
[A bullet is fired and the screen shows Peter, holding the gun]
Peter: I found it. It was in the box of Meg's adoption pape-[notices Meg in the room]-Ooooooh.
[Points gun at Meg]
Peter: You heard nothing.

Chris: Dad, I think the gun's out of ammo. We've been at this game of Russian Roulette for an hour now and nothing's happened.

Lois: This gun is not staying in my house for another second. I'm giving it back to my father.
[Lois leaves and Peter is disappointed]
Peter: [disappointed] Aw.
[Stewie walks up, hiding something behind his back]
Stewie: [happily] Hey, dad.
[Peter looks at Stewie]
Stewie: [happily] I was planning on using this on Lois for her birthday, but I guess I can give it to you.
[From behind his back, Stewie takes out another gun]
Stewie: Ta-da!
[Peter livens up]
Peter: [excited] Oh, my godness, yes! Another gun! Oh, thank you, Stewie. Thank you Stewie. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Stewie: Ah, you're welcome, Pop.

[Carter has a parrot on his shoulder]
Carter: [whispering] Don't do anything to scare him. He flew on my shoulder, while I was having a lemonade.
Lois: Daddy, I ...
[Lois' talking frightens the bird, making it fly away; long pause]
Carter: [angered] What?

Dr. Hartman: Hey, quick question? Any of you guys know how to counter-sue somebody?

Lois: Dr. Hartman, please. How's my father?
Dr. Hartman: Well, at this point, it's hard to say. He suffered from severe head trauma. He's still alive, but he's in a coma.
Lois: Oh, God. Well, when do you think he'll wake up?
Dr. Hartman: I don't know how to tell you this, Lois, but ... I fear he may never up.
[Carter starts waking up]
Lois: [gasp] He's waking up!
Stewie: [to Dr. Hartman; sarcastically] Great doctoring.

Lois: She's busy in Antarctica, taking care of that sick penguin.
Peter: [attention drawn] Penguin?

Lois: Daddy living here is gonna be a big adjustment and we're all gonna have to make sacrifices. So Meg, Daddy will sleep in your room and Stewie and Chris, you stay where you are.
Meg: What? I'm the only one sacrificing!
Lois: Don't be ridiculous, Meg. I said everybody's names.

Lois: People really don't like your company, Daddy.
Carter: Well, our company can't be that bad, can it?
Lois: You put toxic pesticides in baby food.
Carter: Oh!
Lois: Not only that, but you're the number one producer of whale meat.
Carter: Yikes!
Lois: You burned down the entire Amazon rainforest.
Carter: Whoops!
Lois: Your chemical waste gave the entire town of Providence cancer.
Carter: Oh no!
Lois: You infected drinking water with ebola.
Carter: Zoinks!
Lois: You traffic 57 ethnic sweatshops, worldwide.
Carter: Sheesh.
Lois: Your fertilizer plant exploded, killing 4,000 people.
Carter: [whistles]
Lois: Your oil pipe desecrated the graves of 12 Native American tribes.
Carter: Oopsy daisy!
Lois: You caused a nuclear radiation disaster, bigger than Chernobyl.
Carter: D'oh!
Lois: You bought vine and shut it down.
Carter: I did what!?
Lois: You bought vine and shut it down.
Carter: I did what!?
Lois: You bought vine and shut it down.
Carter: I did what!?

Cleveland: Are you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

[Peter replaces his skin with stained class and sits at the dinner table]
Chris: I don't get it.
Stewie: Neither do I.
[The sun shines on Peter, making the entire room rainbow]
Chris: Oh my God!
Stewie: Dad's beautiful!

Peter: So, ideas. How do we make Carter mean again?
Meg: Why don't we hire a prostitute to bring him almost to completion?
Peter: Okay, don't love that my daughter came right out of the gates with that.

Meg: Why don't we take him to a truck stop bathroom and then after completion, we-
Peter: Okay, Meg. Are you trying to get a rise out of me? 'Cuz guess what, young lady. [takes off glasses in anger] It worked.
Meg: Well, at least I'm saying real ideas and not just repeating things I've seen in children's programming.
Chris: Yeah, dad, I kind of agree with Meg. It seems like you're going for comedy over substance.
Peter: I see. Well then, I have one last idea how to make Carter mean. [bursts into tears] Turn him into one of my kids! [runs upstairs, crying]

Peter: Alright, here's the plan. I clothespin his balls. Meg and Chris, you twist his nipples in opposite directions.
Meg: I'm glad you came around.

Babs: [Angrily holding a gun on the family after shooting Carter in the head] Who told Carter he could give away our fucking money?

Lois: Guns create problems, but they solve them too.
Peter: You said it, Lois. And you know who else has a gun? Stan Smith. Take it away, Stan!
Lois: Peter, that's ... that show's not on after us anymore.
Peter: Oh. What is on? Something as or more successful?
[Everyone in the room awkwardly pauses and says nothing, ending off the episode]

Trivia

Cultural References

  • The title is a reference to the movie, Regarding Henry.
  • Peter flips through a bunch of familiar faces on Netflix, including Tom Segura's Completely Normal, Chris D'Elia's Man on Fire, Chris Rock's Tambourine, Margaret Cho's Psycho, Ali Wong's Hard Knock Wife, Aparna Nancherla's The Standups, Bo Burnham's What, Amy Schumer's The Leather Special, and Angelah Johnson's Not Fancy.
    • Peter passes on watching Amy Schumer's special with a hefty "God no!" This is a reference to how unfunny of a comedian she is and how poorly her special did in ratings.
    • Furthermore, Kimi's special is a parody on The Leather Special. Apparently, it's some kind of kinky sex comedy act titled "The Leather Gimp Special".
  • Peter references The Wizard of Oz and Premium Rush, when he talks about getting a bike in his Netflix comedy special.
  • When told he dumps lead in drinking water, Carter expresses shock with "zoinks" in the same manner as Shaggy Rogers from Scooby-Doo.
  • Lois tells Carter that he causes a nuclear disaster, bigger than Chernobyl.
  • Carter's reaction to causing a nuclear disaster was "D'oh!", which is the catchphrase of Homer Simpson from "The Simpsons", who is known for causing numerous nuclear disasters at his job.
  • Peter suggests summoning Zuul from Ghostbusters in order to make Carter mean again.
  • At the end of the episode, Family Guy breaks the fourth wall to fling shit at the new show, Rel, as the family was discussing failed replacement shows for it's former succession, American Dad!.
    • On April 17th, 2019, Rel would be promptly cancelled by FOX, after a measly 1 season and 12 episodes, making this joke even funnier.

Deleted Scenes

  • A cowboy coming to Lois' birthday party with a pony ride.
  • Flashback to Carter doing cocaine with some Asians in the 80's.
  • Carter apologizing to Lois with an upper class New England mumble kiss.
  • Peter going to a gun range and getting in the wrong line.
  • Peter explaining the looking down the barrel of a gun gag before Chris does it.
  • Peter doesn't wear black jeans to a Rush concert.
  • Stewie giving Peter a gun for his birthday.
  • Carter saying he bought his gun at an anthropology store.
  • Peter working as Christina Hendricks' bra on Mad Men.
  • Peter takes a fat muddy guy to Burning Man.
  • Alternate version of Carter waking up from his coma, where Peter and Lois jog his memory with celebrity trivia games and The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
  • Carter making a bunch of monkeys watch Vikings.
  • Lois uses Safari instead of Firefox and Peter killing himself.
  • Shaquille O'Neal getting mad over pancakes.
  • Stewie demanding that Meg tie his shoe.
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