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Intro of Dan Quagmire
Quagmire's Dad is an episode of Family Guy.

Synopsis

Quagmire's dad comes to town for a veteran party. Meanwhile, Brian goes to a seminar in New Haven about creating a web series.

Plot

Deciding to visit Quagmire at his home, Joe and Peter are quickly introduced to Quagmire's father, Lieutenant Dan Quagmire. Immediately turned off by his boring stories, the two soon begin texting each other on their cell phones, and mutually imply that Quagmire's father is a homosexual. Deciding to confront him the next morning, Quagmire decides to invite Peter and Lois to the Naval Ball as guests of his father. The two quickly begin arguing however, with Quagmire insisting that Peter is just jealous because his dad's a drunk and his is a hero. Later that night at the ball, Quagmire is soon bombarded by comments about his father's sexuality from fellow sailors. Deciding to confront his father, Quagmire soon discovers that his father is actually a "woman trapped in a man's body," in desire of a sex change operation. The next day, Quagmire decides to ask Peter and Lois for advice, with Lois suggesting that Peter go along with him to his father's operation. Worried as the operation is taking place, the surgery is announced to be a success, with Dan Quagmire emerging as an attractive blonde woman. Inviting Quagmire and his "new friend" Ida to dinner later that night, Peter soon begins asking her about the surgery. With Lois expressing her embarrassment, Ida reveals that she has no problems discussing the procedure, causing Quagmire to become frustrated, and return home. Deciding to confront him back at the house, Ida and Quagmire discuss their newly altered relationship, with Quagmire left to reject his father.

Meanwhile Brian announces that he will be leaving for a few days to attend a seminar in New Haven about creating your own web series. Returning home to Quahog later that week, Brian decides to stop at the bar on the way home. While there, he comes across Quagmire's father, Ida, and the two quickly bond. Deciding to go back to Ida's hotel room, the two decide to kiss and have sex. The next morning, Brian shares his newfound love with Peter and Lois, and decides to show a picture that he had taken of his new date with his cellphone. Immediately busting out laughing, Brian is left to suggest that they are both jealous because he's found a "real woman", which makes them laugh even harder. Going up stairs to cool off, Brian begins talking with Stewie about Dan Quagmire's sex change. Inquiring about sexual relationships with transgender individuals, Brian learns Quagmire's father's new identity is actually Ida, and begins vomiting profusely. As this occurs, Ida returns to her son's house and decides to apologize to Quagmire, with her son returning the apology. Going on to announce that she found a new boyfriend, Quagmire asks what his name is, and reveals it to be Brian. Quagmire rushes to the Griffin family household and beats Brian senseless, leaving him badly injured. Brian gets the final word, when he tells Quagmire about having sex with his dad and shuts the door.

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Quotes

Chris: Dad, can you help me with my French homework?
Peter: Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish?
Chris: Poisson.
Peter: Good. Dog?
Chris: Chien.
Peter: Seal?
Chris: Phoque.
Lois: Chris, watch your language!
Chris: No, that's how you say "seal" in French, "phoque".
Peter: He's right, Lois, look. [shows picture of seal and French term below]
Lois: [offscreen] Oh. I didn't know that.
Peter: And here, I'll help you remember. What's this? [shows picture of a seal sleeping on the couch]
Chris: A lazy phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page to a picture of a seal in a dunce cap]
Chris: Dumb phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page to a seal throwing up]
Chris: Sick phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page to a twisted up seal throwing up]
Chris: Sick, twisted phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page to a group of seals]
Chris: Cluster phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page, rips off part of newspaper and sticks it into the book, showing Chris a picture of the a seal, along with Ann Coulter]
Chris: Ugly phoque and bitch.
Peter: Good job, Chris, I think you're ready. And remember, you can use that word as much as you want, even home in front of your parents because it's French, and French is classy.
Lois: Wouldn't he be saying all the other words in French too?
Peter: [smacks Lois with the book] Quiet, Lois! He's a new student. He's learning parts of French. But not all of it.
Lois: I just think it would sound even more classy, if he spoke entire sentences in French. Instead of just one word. I mean, when are you gunna need to use a term half in French and half in English?
Chris: Well, mom, ... [shows page in book with a seal and a sheep] phoque ewe.
Lois: Man, Chris. You are one bad mother phoque-er.
Chris: I'm a bad mother sealer?
Peter: Lois, you used it wrong. Watch your language.

Brian: Okay, I'm off.
Lois: Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck, wherever you wind up.
Peter: Take care, buddy. Call if you want. If not, take care of yourself.
Brian: I'm just going away for a few days.
Peter: Oh.
Lois: Oh, okay.
Brian: Yeah, there's a seminar on creating a-really it would be that easy for you?
Lois: What?
Brian: You thought I was leaving forever and you just said "good luck", what the hell was that?
Lois: Brian, take it easy, you're not leaving forever, you're just leaving for a few days. What do you want? A parade?
Brian: You know what? Nevermind.
Lois: Look, Brian, face it. You're a dog. The fact that your last name is "Griffin" is a pleasantry, extended from out family. Not by any legality.
Peter: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you're gunna walk off into the woods and die.
Lois: And we're prepared for that.
Brian: ... Yeah, so there's this seminar in New Haven on creating your own web-based Internet series. Sounds like it could be right up my alley.

Quagmire: Guys, I got some great news. My dad's coming to visit.
Peter: Oh-ho!
Joe: Hide the women!

Quagmire: You think I've had a lot of chicks, my dad's had more pie than Kristie Alley.

Quagmire: The navy is honoring him at this year's Naval Ball for all his bravery in Vietnam.
Peter: You mean like that time you teabagged that woman in the belly?
Quagmire: No, different kind of "Naval Ball".

Dan: At ease, ladies. Hey, Glenn. You're not gunna give your dad an entrance?

Quagmire: Dad, this is Joe and Peter.
Dan: Joe and Peter! [to Peter] Which one are you?
Peter: Peter, sir.
Dan: Look at you, you're a chow hound, aren't ya, Pete?
Peter: Yes, sir.
Dan: Don't wanna get behind you in the mess hall, huh?
Peter: No, sir. No you don't, sir.

Joe: I'd stand and salute you, sir, but this is the best I can do.
[Joe stretches his body out in his wheel chair and salutes Dan]
Dan: I'll take it. And a salutey rooty toot tooty back to you, my friend.

Dan: It's been a long trip. This sailor needs a Cosmo.
Peter: A Cosmo?
Dan: Hey, it's gotta be five somewhere, right?

Lois: Come on, Stewie. Time for bed.
Stewie: Oh, get a job.

Peter: I think that your father's gay.
Quagmire: GAY!? [chuckles] We-We should all be so gay! It's a gay old time when a soldier returns from war! [singing] Yes, we'll all feel gay when Danny comes marching home!

Quagmire: Look at this, dad. All these people came out just to honor you.
Dan: Well, it feels good, son. I won't lie to you.
Wally: Dan Quagmire!
Dan: Wally! Good to see you. This is my son, Glenn.
Wally: Nice to meet you, Glenn. You should be very proud of your dad.
Quagmire: It was an honor to serve with him.
Wally: Come on, Dan. Let's get a drink. Hah. It's great to see you back in your element again. Surrounded by sea men.

Gary: Hey, you Dan's boy?
Quagmire: That's right.
Gary: Hi, I'm Gary from the military. Your dad was very brave back in Southeast Asia. He flew supplies in where other people didn't dare to go. I can't tell you how many loads your dad took, when I served with him.
Quagmire: Huh?
George: Glenn, I wouldn't miss this night for the world. Everyone here admires your dad. He'd walk into an an army barracks and make every private there feel important. Yeah, he just knew how to stroke those privates.
Quagmire: Oh, God!
Henry: Your dad was cock of the walk, Glenn.
Alvin: Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt.
Frank: Your dad once drank me under the table.
Walter: If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your dad.
Robert: Your dad had the best penis in the military.

Quagmire: Dad, ... are you gay?
Dan: What?
Quagmire: Are you gay, dad!?
Dan: No, Glenn. I'm not gay.
Quagmire: Jus-Just tell me the truth!
Dan: I am telling you the truth, now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.
Quagmire: ALRIGHT, COME ON NOW! THAT'S NOT HELPING!
Dan: Son, you have my word. I am not gay.
Quagmire: You promise?
Dan: I promise. I am not gay.
Quagmire: Alright. I believe you.
Dan: But I am a woman trapped in a man's body and while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex change operation.
Quagmire: ... Oh come on, just be gay.

[Dr. Hartman comes out of the transgender room, covered in blood]
Dr. Hartman: Wow. That thing was on there.

Ida: What do you think, boys?

Lois: Okay kids, Mr. Quagmire and his da ... hi-his mo ... his friend are coming over soon for dinner. So remember Chris, no staring and Meg, you know how it is to be different, so be nice.
Chris: If Quagmire's dad got fake bazongazonks from his surgery, then can I get some too?
Lois: Ugh, Chris, why? Are you a tranny too?
Chris: No, I just want something to play with.
Lois: No!
Stewie: Besides, if anyone here needs surgery boobs, it's Meg.

Peter: Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis?
Lois: Peter!
Chris: Thank you for asking it!

Ida: I still have it. Well, I don't have it. Not on me at least. It's in a jar, but I own it.
Quagmire: Come on, dad.
Stewie: Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.
Ida: Right now, I have it along with all of Glenn's sex toys, but when I get home, I'm putting it in my fridge, next to my pickle jar.

Lois: I did put a lot of planning into the meal.
Peter: Yeah, we went down the list. Nothing with wieners, nuts, or grapes ... [to Ida] out of respect.

Meg: I like the outfit you have on.
Ida: Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?
Meg: Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.

Chris: So, uh, Mrs. Quagmire.
Ida: Please, Mrs. Quagmire was my mother. Call me "Ida".
Quagmire: [shutters] Ohhhhhh.
Chris: Okay, Ida. So, Ida, tell me about those knockers. Are we-is that just like r-implants or did they reassign some ass fat up there?
Ida: Chris, if you're interested in having bombshells like these, I don't think you even need a surgery. You already got 'em, son.
Chris: [clasping his moobs] Oh, wow really? Thanks, Ida!
Quagmire: ALRIGHT, I'M OUT OF HERE!

Ida: Well, that was quite a performance.
Quagmire: MY PERFORMANCE!? WHAT ABOUT YOU!? 'GOLLY LOIS, WHERE DO YOU SHOP?' 'GEE, YOUR HOUSE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL!' 'HEY, I HAVE AN INSIDE OUT PENIS!'
Ida: I never said their house looks beautiful, because frankly, it didn't.

Brian: God, doesn't anyone in this house care about anyone but themselves?
Meg: Hey, Brian. How was the seminar?
Brian: Meg, please.

Stewie: Well, I've got a woman story for you that you're not going to believe. Quagmire's father, decorated war hero Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire, is now a woman.
Brian: [shocked] You're kidding!
Stewie: Nope! Total sex change!
Brian: [laughs] That is hysterical!
Stewie: I know, huh?
Brian: Suck on that, Quagmire! [both laugh]
Stewie: It's not settling with the Q-man all too well.
Brian: Oh my God! What does it look like?
Stewie: You know, not half bad. Not that it's a supermodel, but not bad.
Brian: Oh my God, you know, that is a tough road ahead. I mean what do those people do as far as relationships and sex and stuff?
Stewie: I don't know. I mean it could be a train wreck down there, right? It just-just an absolute casserole of nonsense.
Brian: Hey, is it over there right now? We should go take a look.
Stewie: No, they had a fight. She's staying at the Marriott.
Brian: Aw, damn! I was just there!
Stewie: Really?
Brian: Yeah. Maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know.
Stewie: [laughs] You'd know.
Brian: Oh, man. W-What do we call him now? Do we still call him 'Dan'?
Stewie: No, and I'm not crazy about the name change.
Brian: What is it? Like 'Danielle' or 'Dana'?
Stewie: No, Ida.
[Brian's eyes widen in shock. He starts gagging and he prepares to throw up and he vomits profusely for 30 seconds. Stewie steps back a little. Brian finally stops and takes a breather]
Brian: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Stewie: What? What the hell? What's wrong with you!?
Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER!!!
Stewie: What!?
Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!!!
Stewie: AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! WHY?!?
Brian: I DON'T KNOW!!! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER!!!
Stewie: OH MY GOD!!!
Brian: AAAGGHHH!!!!
Stewie: AAAGGGHHH!!!!
Brian: AAAGGGHHH!!!!
Stewie: AAAGGGHHH!!!!
Brian: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!? WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!!!
Stewie: HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY MOVE, HE'S JUST VISITING!!!
[Brian vomits again]

Quagmire: I'm sorry, dad. I love you.
Ida: I love you too, Glenn.
[Quagmire and Ida hug]
Ida: [disturbed] ... Glenn?
Quagmire: Sorry, sorry. [looks down at crotch] Damn thing can't tell the difference.

Ida: Okay, well, so, now that we've got all the mush out of the way, I have some news.
Quagmire: Tell me. Tell me.
Ida: I met someone.
Quagmire: Wha-you did?
Ida: Oh my God, Glenn. He's amazing. I couldn't be happier.
Quagmire: Really, what's his name?
[Cut to the outside of the house]
Quagmire: [offscreen] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peter: [offscreen] Oh, hi Quagmire.
Quagmire: [offscreen] WHERE IS HE!? WHERE IS THAT STUPID, ROTTEN, NO GOOD, SELF-CENTERED, ARROGANT, SUBHUMAN, WORTHLESS SON OF A BITCH!?!?!?
[Brian cringes a little more with every put down Quagmire gives him]
Peter: [offscreen] Uh, I think Spencer Pratt is in Los Angeles, right now. Why?

[Stewie watches from the staircase and Quagmire bears Brian up]
Stewie: Where's his money, Brian? [laughs] Okay.

Brian: Hey, Quagmire ... I fucked your dad.

Songs

Trivia

  • Dr. Hartman giving a sex change to Ida Quagmire adds to the list of types of medicine he practices. This list already includes gynecologist, family practitioner, pediatrician, and others.
  • When Brian states that people that had a sex change were supposed to notify the neighborhood, this is actually for Sex Offenders.
  • In the uncensored version, instead of texting "So ducking gay", Peter draws a big gay phoque on a sketch pad. Phoque is French for 'seal'. This is also related to another scene removed from the original broadcast at the very beginning, in which Peter helps Chris remember that phoque is French for seal by drawing pictures of seals in positions that would constitute using "phoque" in the same place where "fuck" would be used in common sayings e.g, A seal throwing up is a "sick phoque/sick fuck", a seal twisted and throwing up is a "sick twisted phoque/sick twisted fuck", and a group of seals is a "cluster phoque/clusterfuck."

Cultural References

  • Lois' way of calling Chris a "bad mother foque-er" is similar to a lyric to the theme song from the 1970's action show, "Shaft", which said "The say that Shaft is one baaaad mother-" only to be cut off by the backup singer saying "Shut your mouth."
  • Quagmire singing "We'll all be gay when Danny comes marching home." in regards to his father coming home from the military is a take on the ending lyric of the famous 1860's American Civil War song, "When Johnny Comes Marching Home", but with "Danny" replacing "Johnny". Both songs referred to someone returning home from the war and their family happily celebrating their reunion.
  • Peter tells Quagmire that he'll sing songs from the 1980's when Dan comes out with his sex change to make it seem like a montage in an 80's movie. When Dan comes out as Ida, Peter starts singing 1983's "Walking On Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves.

Continuity

  • Quagmire beating the crap out of Brian is done in a similar fashion to when Stewie beat the crap out of Brian in "Patriot Games". When Quagmire beats the crap out of Brian, Stewie throws in the line "Where's his money?", calling back to his own repeated phrase, "Where's my money?", when beating up Brian.

Errors

  • Quagmire says his dad is visiting, but in "Fore Father", he says to Chris "At least you have a dad. When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom.". However this could have merely meant that his father was away on duty often and was practically raised by his mother as he never stated his father left them.
  • Quagmire is out of uniform at the Officer's Club party in honor of his father, despite the fact Glen Quagmire is also a veteran.
  • When Ida hands Lois the crumble she made for dinner, Lois hands it to Meg and tells her to throw it away in the outside garbage can. In the next scene, however, the crumble is sitting on the dinner table.
  • When Brian sits at the bar and orders his drink, there is a woman sitting in the background with a martini. In the next shot when Brian gets the drink, she is seen with a glass of wine instead.
  • When Ida comes back to see Quagmire after staying at The Marriott, Quagmire can be seen pacing up and down in his lounge. The door opens to the right as Ida enters. Then when Ida speaks to Quagmire you can see the door behind Ida now opens to the left.

Deleted Scenes

  • Cutaway about Aquaman and his alter-ego, Arthur Curry.
  • Stewie calls Brian to tell him about a torch juggling alien.
  • Cutaway about people in debt.
  • An entire scene, where Peter and Lois fail to understand the different between gays and transgenders, Quagmire asks Peter to come to the hospital with him, and Lois not using the word "green" correctly.
  • A bunch of scenes, where Peter is present at the hospital. This includes Peter suggesting they do a montage of Dan changing through multiple genders, Peter asking Quagmire what he's going to name his he/she father, and Peter singing "Walking on Sunshine".
  • Lois telling Meg to throw away Ida's crumble.
  • Alternate take on Ida explaining the aftermath of her penis. She says that she still has it. It's just been inverted, so it simulates a vagina.
  • A couple of the questions the family asked Ida.
  • Stewie inverts his penis.
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