Peternormal Activity
Peternormal Activity is an episode of Family Guy. It is a Halloween special and an anthology episode.


After watching a disappointing sequel to the Killer Pope franchise, The Beer Bar Buddies think of writing their own Halloween-ready horror movie, but none of them can seem to agree on a story. Meanwhile, Brian gets glasses and they really start pissing Stewie off.


Halloween is approaching and The Beer Bar Buddies get into the holiday spirit, by watching a horror flick called "Killer Pope 2: Thou Shall Not Live" in the movie theater. However, they are sadly disappointed with how bad it is. As they leave the theater, Peter claims that they could write a much better horror movie than that. Joe says that he knows a perfect place for them to go for inspirstion. The old abandoned Quahog mental asylum. And that's just where they plan on going.

At home, the family is having breakfast, and Brian comes in, wearing stupid glasses. Stewie thinks they look pretentious and annoying, but Brian is already in lovr with them and he's going to make them his new look. It's only worse for Stewie, to see how Peter, Lois, Chris, and Meg are just falling head over heels for them. Stewie then knows that putting up with Brian's glasses is going to be absolutely horrible.

That night, Peter and The Beer Bar Buddies go to the Quahog Asylum to write stories. Peter comes up with a scary story about teenagers going go make out point and getting killed by a Killer Cat. In Peter's story, he is a college boy at a Halloween party and Lois is his girl. The hear stories about a Killer Cat, and although Lois is scared, Peter brushes it off as nonsense. At make out point, Peter tries to get to second base with Lois, but she js hesitant to go that far. Just then, the Killer Cat, (played by Peter) jumps in and kills them both. The Beer Bar Buddies chastise Peter for his story being cliche, having no build up, and for the fact that he was both the teenage boy and the killer cat, making it extra confusing.

Cleveland tells his story, of a guy waking up in an abandoned hospital. In his story, Cleveland walks through an eerie, empty hospital, with blood stains, broken stuff, and a few knives and axes, all over the place. He pays way too much attention to a flickering florescent lightbulb and spends his story fixing it. The Beer Bar Buddies don't like this story, obviously, because it was boring and it had no plot.

Quagmire tells the story of a killer doll, a killer sex doll that is. In his story, Quagmire buys an inflatable sex doll and has sex with it. While role playing, he says a bunch of stuff to it like "I love you." and "You're so much hotter than everybody else." and stuff. Later, he tries to get with a girl, but when she gets home, the sex doll, (named Chicky), kills her, but Chicky makes it ambiguous to Quagmire, whether she actually killed her or not. This happens with a few girls, and eventually, Quagmire gets fed up with it. When he finds out Chicky is alive and she's responsible for it; Chicky explains that she's doing this out of jealousy, because she and Quagmire were meant to be. Quagmire tricks Chicky by pretending to cave in and have sex with her. He tells her that he wants to do it with her "through the ears", and since she's a balloon and she's not equipped with ear holes, he pops her with his pointy dick, finally killing her. The Beer Bar Buddies do not like this story, because they think that Quagmire is being a bit egotistical with his character, portraying himself as such a well-beloved sex god.

Joe is about to tell his story, but Cleveland cuts him off to tell another one of his. In this story, Cleveland and The Brown-Tubbs Family are a royal family, and they buy a bar of soap from a Chinese guy (Carl) and his store disappears right after they get it. At home, Cleveland bathes with the soap and it comes to life and chokes him. Donna enters the bathroom to save sex with him, but she's horrified to see Cleveland dead. She backs up in drama and slips on the soap, bashing her head on the sink, and getting killed. The bathtub is still turned on, so the room overflows. Roberta opens the bathroom door and the water blasts her over the rails of the stairs, and down to the first floor. A piece of railing falls down and gouges her eyes out. Rallo enters and sees the horrifying sight and the soap drops from the second floor and lands in Rallo's fro, where it apparently eats it's way into his brain, killing him. Junior wakes up, screaming in terror, as this whole thing was apparently all just a dream. Cleveland enters to comfort him and asks him what was so scart about his dream and Junior says it was scary because they were cancelled. The Beer Bar Buddies think that story is stupid, because it was just Cleveland being butthurt over his show's cancellation.


Major Roles

Minor Roles


Lucy: Thank you for seeing me, your excellency.
Killer Pope: Of course. What did you say your name was, my child?
Lucy: Lucy.
[Killer Pope stabs Lucy in the chest, killing here]
Killer Pope: You've been Lucified!

Cleveland: That was awful.
Joe: I know. They just redid everything from the first Maniac Pope.
Quagmire: That "You've been Lucified" joke was original.
Peter: No, it wasn't. Remember in the first movie, when he killed that goose?
Joe: And that moose?
Cleveland: And that guy named Bruce?
[Bruce and Jeffrey, walk past, leaving the movie theater as well]
Bruce: I did not care for that part.

Stewie: You are just horrible. You're even worse than those people who take dumps in the shower.
[Cutaway gag to Meg taking a shower]
Meg: [appalled; to the camera] What? Why are you cutting to me? What did somebody say? Whatever they say I do, I don't do.

Peter: Well guys, I'm off to the mental asylum.
Lois: What!? Why are you going there?
Stewie: Why do you think?

[Quagmire enters his room to have sex with a girl, only to find out she's dead]
Quagmire: Alright, Charlotte. Ready for me to show you a good ti-Oh my God! She's dead! ... Anyway, ready for me to show you a good time?

Peter: Jesus, Quagmire. Portraying yourself as a sharp-shlonged sex god, with every girl in town, being in love with him? Come on! Where are your character's flaws?
Quagmire: What? So he's a perfect guy. What's wrong with having a perfect main character?
Peter: Quagmire, have you ever heard of a "Mary Sue"?
Quagmire: Yeah, she's one of the girls I have sex with in the story. What about her?

Cleveland: That story was turrible.
Joe: I did like the concept of bringing a murderous object to life. Maybe there should be a story about a cursed gun coming to life.
Cleveland: A cursed gun?
Joe: Yeah. It'll be about a police man's gun coming to life and going on a killing spree. The movie will be called "People don't kill people, ..."

[Junior wakes up from his horrifying dream]
[Cleveland and Donna enter to comfort him]
Cleveland: Junior what happened!?
Junior: Oh, daddy! Miss Donna! I had a nightmare!
Donna: Was this about that murderous soap again?
Junior: Even worse. We were cancelled!

[The Guys try to escape the mental asylum, but the door is locked, putting them all in a panic]
Quagmire: [panicked] Dammit, it's locked!
Joe: [panicked] Oh, God! Someone must have locked us in!
Cleveland: [panicked] We're gunna die in here!
[A shrill, shrieking sound is heard, and the three are frozen in fear; the camera reveals that this scream is actually just coming from Peter's phone, as he watches a calmly YouTube video]
Peter: Sorry, guys. Somebody E-Mailed me a video of a sheep, screaming.
[Peter shows the others the YouTube video of a sheep screaming]

Peter: [panicked] Guys, do the words "Dead by Dawn", scrawled in blood over there mean, we're in trouble?
[Cut to the wall, where "Dead by Dawn" is shown, spelled out on freshly dripping blood]
Quagmire: [flatly] Did you do it?
[Cut to Peter, holding a knife in one hand, with blood coming out of his other hand]
Peter: [flatly] I did.
Quagmire: [flatly] Then no.

Brian: Boy, it's loud in here. When they said "Professor Griffin", I barely heard then call my name.

[Brian and Stewie are in the sauna]
Stewie: Come on, Chris. Don't let me down.
Chris: [offscreen] I'd never disappoint you, Stewie.
[Screen pans out, to reveal Chris in the sauna with them]
Stewie: Chris? What are you doing in here?
Chris: Uh, taking a sauna bath, duh.
Stewie: But what about the plan?
Brian: What plan?
Chris: I already did it. I locked us in the sauna.
Stewie: You what!? That wasn't the plan!
Chris: Oh, you mean the plan to steal Brian's glasses.
Brian: What!?
Stewie: [angry] Chris!
Brian: [angry] Stewie.
Chris: [happy] Brian!
Brian: You were trying to take my glasses?
Stewie: Oh, come on, Brian. You have to admit, they need to go.
Brian: Nice try. I'm leaving to go get them right now.
Chris: Uh, no can do, Brian. I locked us in here, remember?
Brian: You did, what!?
Chris: Yup, it's all set. It's turned up high and nobody is coming for the whole weekend.
[Time lapse to eighteen hours later; Stewie, Chris, and Brian body slam the door multiple times, and finally break free, now looking like hideously, shriveled up prunes; the trio coughs and hacks in reaction to the humidity; shortly upon their freedom, Mayor Adam West enters]
Mayor Adam West: Boy, you guys sure look steamed.

[The Beer Bar Buddies stare down in shock at what they did to Albert]
Peter: He's dead!
Cleveland: What have we done?
Joe: We killed an innocent man.
[Halloween-style Curb Your Enthusiasm music plays]

Peter: It does not feel like a Wednesday.

Lois: Peter, I'm glad you're up. I need to talk to you about something. I know what you did last night.
[Peter's eyes widen in shock, thinking she knows about him killing Albert]
Peter: [horrified] You do!?
Lois: [angry] Yes, I do! You've been busted, Peter! How could you do something so heinous! What you did was indescribably despicable, and I strongly reprimand it.
[While Lois talks, Peter sweats and his eyes dart around the room; He spots the knives on the knife rack, grabs it, and he suddenly gains confidence, and prepared to kill Lois; Lois is sitting in a chair, facing away from Peter, while he walks up behind her]
Peter: [darkly] Well, it's a shame you had to figure out, Lois. Of course, now you won't need to speak of it, again. [gets ready to stab her]
Lois: Oh, but I will mention it to you once more, Peter. Last night, ... you left your dirty dishes in the sink. It's disgusting.
Peter: Oh, ... okay then.
[Peter is relieved and he stops trying to kill Lois and puts the knife back in the knife rack]
Lois: So, I did half, and I left the other half for you.
[Peter grabs the knife again and slides it back out]

[Peter goes to bed]
Peter: [sigh] Oh my God. Maybe some sleep will clear my head of all these events.
Lois: [offscreen] Oh my God, Peter! Come look at the newspaper! Janitor dead!
Peter: [gasp]
[Peter runs out of bed and back to the kitchen]
Peter: WHAT!? NO!
Lois: Right here. My college roommate, Jan Itter. She passed away yesterday.
Peter: Are-Are you really serious right now? Cuz I didn't get like any sleep last night.
Lois: What are you freaking out about? You didn't even know her.
Peter: Yeah, well that's becau-I didn't know her! Why did you call me down here!?
Lois: Sorry. You-You're right. Sorry. Fine, just go and get some rest. No need to overreact.
[Peter leaves the kitchen]
Peter: Well, there's no going to sleep now. Jeez, I need to relax.
[Peter takes a mudbath in a spa, with cucumbers over his eyes, and the hands of some burly, foreign guy (Olga) massaging his shoulders]
Peter: Ah, yes. What a way to unwind.
[The phone rings and one of the masseuse's hands picks it up]
Olga: Hello? Okay.
[The masseuse hands the phone to Peter]
Olga: It is for you.
Peter: Thanks, Olga. Hello?
Lois: [over the phone] You and the guys killed and buried a man!
[Peter runs into the kitchen, butt naked, dripping wet, with mud still on his face and body, and with a towel still wrapped around his head]
Peter: GAH, I knew you'd find out!
Lois: Find out what? I just got David Sedaris' new book, "You and The Guys Killed and Buried a Man"
Peter: [angry] Okay! I am really on edge, and this thing we're doing, I am not happy about it, and that's a really odd title for a humorous book!
Lois: Peter, you're acting very weird. Just put some pants on and go for a walk. Get outside for a while.
Peter: I don't wanna go for a walk! I wanna stay right here and see what you're doing!
Lois: Peter, you're gunna have a heart attack. Just get some fresh air. I won't say anything.
Peter: GAAAH!
[Peter leaves the kitchen]
Peter: God, I'm gunna need some major tranquility now.
[Peter has become a Buddhist monk, meditating in the calm and peaceful environment of an Asian forest]
Peter: [relaxed] The mind is like water. When turbulent, it is difficult to see, but when calm, everything becomes clear. [relived] Ahhh ... In solemn silence, you can hear nature's nurturing voice, echo through the mountaintops.
[Lois' voice echoes through the glorious mountaintops]
Lois: [voice through the mountains] They found the body of a war hero, down by the old asylum!
[Peter's tranquility is completely broken; Peter runs back into the kitchen, still dressed like a monk]
Lois: Oh, sorry Peter. I'm just singing along with this old John Mellencamp song.
[Lois turns up the radio and the John Mellencamp song plays]
John Mellencamp: [singing] They went up there to write a movie. Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe. Killed the old janitor war hero. Just why, we'll never know.
Peter: I don't remember this one. Guess it's never been in a car commercial.
John Mellencamp: [singing] In a truck that's built Dodge Tough.
Peter: Oh, yeah. No, I know this one.

Meg: Oh, my God! Mom! There's blood all over the floor!
[Peter rushes downstairs]
Peter: [freaking out] WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?!? DID I TRACK THIS IN!?!?!?!?
Lois: Peter, what are you talking about? This blood isn't from you.
[Lois looks at Meg]
Meg: It's not from me either! This is murder blood. Not time-of-the-month blood and it's not my time of the month, therefore, I didn't murder anyone.
[Screen pans out to Brian, lying on the ground in pain, with his broken glasses in his eyes, and with his blood all over the ground; Stewie is next to him, holding a baseball bat]
Stewie: I didn't like his glasses. What was I supposed to do?

Peter: Guys, I'm kind of freaking out about Albert. Anybody else having a hard time, sleeping?
Joe: No, but there's an old John Mellencamp song, you're not gunna fucking believe.

[Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe kill each other; It turns out this whole series of events, was just a story being told by Peter, back in the mental asylum, from earlier on]
Peter: And that is our horror movie.

John Goodman: It doesn't feel like a Wednesday.


  • This is the third Halloween special of the series, followig "Halloween on Spooner Street" and "House in Horror Hell.
  • List of Scary Stories:
    • Peter's Story - Two teenagers go to makeout point and get killed by an evil cat man.
    • Quagmire's Story - A possessed sex doll ruins all of his one night stands with girls, out of jealousy, thinking she's the only girl for him.
    • Cleveland's Story: Waking up in an abandoned hospital and fixing a flickering, broken down, florescent light.
    • Cleveland's Other Story: Himself as a hailed emperor, and his entire royal family, getting killed by an evil bar of soap.
    • Peter's Other Story: Them trying to think of scary stories in a mental asylum, getting locked in, and killing a janitor, thinking he's a crazy person.
  • Lois' college roomate was a girl named Jan Itter. As of this episode, she passed away at an early age, due to unknown causes, when Lois saw her obituary in the newspaper.

Cultural References

  • The title is a pun on "Paranormal Activity".
  • Quagmire's story is a parody on the Chucky movies.
  • At the end of Cleveland's story, it was revealed that his whole story was all just a dream, had by Junior. When Junior awakens, he is in his room fron back in Stoolbend. Junior says that his story was bad because he got cancelled. This is callback to "The Cleveland Show".
  • John Mellencamp voice acts as himself.
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