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Peter Griffin's All-Stars

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Peter Griffin's All-Stars
Season 3, Episode 4
Air date August 18, 2000
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Peter Griffin's All-Stars is the fourth episode of the third season of Family Guy. It is the forty-fifth episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory's softball team goes up against The Quahog Police Station's softball team, pitting Peter Griffin against Joe Swanson. Meanwhile, Chris loses his dad's baseball over at The Herbert House and fears going over there to get it back.

Plot[]

It's baseball season again, with Peter's Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory baseball team, the Quahog Toy Boys playing again. However, Peter feels worried seeing how Joe left their team a while ago and the recent statistics from Brian reveal that the team hasn't been doing well without him and has become a big joke in the baseball game. He attempts to see if he can game out, but Weed convinces him to come, saying that he has hope that the team can win. But that is immediately turned down when the team finds out that they're going against The Quahog Police Station's softball team, the Police Dogs, with Joe as their manager/pitcher.

The game starts off badly, with the Police Station demolishing the Toy Factory, to the point where the score is 0 to 25. Frustrated, five of their members calling it quits and going home. Peter begins to call quit to, but his family and parents, who are attending to support him, hastily take to the field and join in the game to help him out. Peter thinks this will end even worse. But to his surprise, it picks up as his family carries the team mostly thanks to Francis' prior baseball experiences, with them getting them to the same score as the Police baseball team was in, and only getting the other team to score two runs. Inspired by Brian scoring a run for the team, third, and home, Peter attempts the same thing in the bottom of the ninth inning, successfully stealing second and third. However, Peter attempts to tie the game by stealing home, only to be thrown out at the plate, ending the game with yet another loss, much to everyone's frustration. Despite feeling he let his team down, Lois assures him that if he forgets it, everyone else will too... as well as Meg adding that they will when his team loses against Cleveland's softball team next game. Making Peter feel worse.

Swing at Me, Bitch

Meanwhile, while playing street baseball with his friends and some of the neighbor's kids, Chris hits his dad's baseball too far and it lands into Herbert the Pervert's backyard. Herbert got the ball from his dog Jesse and suggestively called the boys to "come and get it", a call of which they all resisted due to Herbert being a bit of a creep. Chris and his friends were afraid to get it back out, with the fear of running into his dog, Jesse. But because it was his father's baseball, Chris knew he had to get it back. When Herbert caught Chris, Chris admitted that he didn't want Herbert to watch his baseball game because he was so creepy. Hebert said that he'd give Chris his ball back and not attend his game under one condition: He had to go in disguise as a girl and go to the local elementary school's girl swim team and pretend he was his grandpa so he could be allowed in and watch the underage girls swimming.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

[In the cold open, a cab with Peter and Lois inside drop them off at the house. The two enter the house to be greeted by their kids]
Lois: We're home from our trip!
Brian: Welcome home.
Lois: We hope Grandpa and Grandma didn't bother you while we were gone.
Chris: Not as much this time. Actually, it was almost like you guys never left.
Peter: Chris, what are you talking about?
[As if to answer Peter's question, Francis and Thelma enter wearing versions of Peter and Lois' clothing and their hair dyed as brown and redheaded]
Francis: Alright, kids. Who's ready for a family trip to the mov- (notices Peter and Lois) I think you two are dreaming.
Peter: No dad. We're not.
[Panicking, Francis and Thelma take a lamp/vase and smash it on Peter/Lois head, before jumping into their car and booking]
Thelma: Francis, maybe we should timing out their returns.
Peter: Well, tomorrow starts another baseball season for my company.
Brian: I've worked up a few statistics about your baseball team after Joe left, Peter. I think you'll find they have something to say to about the current state of the Quahog Toy Boys.
Peter: What do they have to say?
Brian: Well, last year your opponents scored three thousand runs to your total of six runs, made over five thousand hits to your eleven hits, and they made four errors to your three hundred and seventy-five errors.
Kevin: Okay, we'll start our game as soon as I get that weird old guy to stop watching us.
Herbert: [from far away] I'm sixty yards away!
Kevin: [sighes] All right, I guess if a baseball goes over there, just don't go.
[As Peter and Brian walk to the ballfield where the team will have their game]
Peter: You know, Brian, I think that advice from Mr. Weed helped a lot. I'm not feeling so worried about losing anymore. I'm loose and relaxed. In fact, I think the team's really got a chance to win this thing!!
Brian: Well, I'm glad you're confident because we're gonna need that. We're playing against Joe today.
Peter: Oh, that's all cool- Wait, WHAT?!
Brian: Yeah, it turns out the Police Station has a softball team, and today we're being pitted against them.
[A short beat]
Peter: We're dead.
Peter: (thinking) Wow, big house today.
[He looks to the stands to see his family, sans Chris, watching his game, with his parents next to them]
Peter: (thinking) Wait, my family's here to watch me? Along with Mom and Dad?!
[As Peter pans to look at his family wearing his t-shirts and holding flags of his to show their support, Francis shows Peter a sign that reads, "Kick ass or else I disown you", though on Francis' right, Thelma is holding up another sign that reads "Oh, he's just teasing." It was then revealed to be a three-panel sign as it folded to another card that read "You know how your father gets." before ending with "We both love you very much" on the last card.]
Meg: Oh, so that's where that came from!
Thelma: I don't get it, Fran Fran. Why did you want come to see the game?
Francis: I came because I love the thrill of baseball. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching our son fail, what kind of person would I be?
Lois: A jerkass.
Francis: Besides, it was ether this or that monthly live show with that old scientific weirdo. Think his name was, Fargus or whatever, I just think that man’s just some sort of mental hospital escapist.
Peter: It's very lonely out here on the pitcher's mound. It's hard sometimes to bear all this responsibility. But suddenly, you seem to realize that you are not really alone. Actually, you are surrounded by loyal teammates and family.
Francis: COME ON, YOU FAT BASTARD! TRY TO GET ONE OVER THE PLATE!!
Thelma: God, Francis, you and Peter act like such children sometimes. And this isn't even the first time.
[In a cutaway, Peter and Francis are sitting on the living room couch]
Francis: You suck!
Peter: You suck more!
Francis: I went to church today just to PRAY ON YOUR DOWNFALL!!
[A short beat due to the heaviness of what Francis said]
Francis: You wanna go window shopping?
Peter: Sure.
[Peter throws the bater a high ball, and a loud "POW!" sounds as the ball is hit so hard it knocks Peter up in the air and out of his clothes, with him only having his pants on. It surprises the Griffin family, except for Stewie and Francis, who laugh at it]
Stewie: That's his best pitch?!
Francis: He didn't even get it over the damn plate!
Thelma: Francis, it's his first pitch.
[Unknown to Francis, the ball was bouncing off gates, with the final gate it hits directs it right towards his direction. With him finding out too late after finishing his laughter, the ball hits Francis to knock him in the air and out of his own clothes, except in Peter's case he only has his underwear on, falling onto the ground. As he's recovering from his dizziness, he notices Lois and Thelma looking like their holding in laughter]
Francis: Not a word, Thelma. Not a word.
Peter: Good grief! What a horrible game.
Mr. Weed: The score is fifty to nothing, and it hasn't even passed an inning.
Peter: I don't know how this game will end.
Player 1: (off-screen) We know how.
[Peter and Mr. Weed looks to see five players with their caps and gloves in their hands]
Player 1: We're quitting.
Player 2: It's obvious we have no chance of winning.
[The players drop their caps and gloves on the ground next to Peter and Weed and desert them]
Mr. Weed: Come on, my Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Boys! We need you in this team effort.
Player 1: Forget it, Mr. Weed. We know when to quit. See you at work Monday.
[As the Griffins watch this happen, they all look at each other and nod. With them leaving the stands to go to the field and take the caps and gloves while Peter and Weed are not looking]
Mr. Weed: Almost our whole team deserted us! And we won't have enough teammates to continue!
Peter: Tell the other team they won. I'm going home.
Francis: (offscreen) Hey Pete! Don’t
Peter: Now, Dad, it’s too late for the- Wait, Dad? (turns to see his family)
Francis: Hey, son.
Thelma: Oh, please. I've done harder challenges. Francis, remember when we did that show about a model and a rapist in the '60s?
Peter: What?
Francis: Wait, don't play the clip-!
[After the cutaway, the group looks at them with either a surprised (Peter, Lois, Brian) or disgusted (Meg and Stewie) look]
Peter: You know, I point out the hypocrisy, but I'm so disgusted I don't feel like touching that.
Francis: We only did it because money was tight and it payed good.
Peter: Dad, that was incredible! How did you-?
Francis: I was a baseball player in my young days. They use to call me The Francer.
[Francis notices everyone giving a surprised look]
Francis: What?! There's more to me than being a Christian wack-job you know
[In center field]
Thelma: [to Lois] Hey daring, how are things in right field?
Lois: Eh, kind of boring. Say, since Christmas is coming in a few months, you wanna come over to spend the hoilday?
Thelma: Sure... We can make sweaters for the family to wear for the Christmas photo. You should see what I made for Fran Fran. [holds out her arms] It's a red sweater with the saying: "I try my best to be good"
[As Thelma holds out her arms, the baseball drops into her glove. After looking at the ball, she walks down the field and tosses it back to Peter]
Thelma: Keep pitchin' them in there, Petey. We're right behind you!
Francis: Alright, team, here's the seiche. We gotten to the same score they were at before we came in. And they've only scored two runs in eight innings. So we still have a chance. Megan, I want you to go up there and grit your teeth.
[Peter swings his bat, missing the ball]
Umpire: Strike One!
Lois: Ooooo! Come on Peter, hit it! For once in your life, hit it!
Thelma: Wouldn't you like just for once to see Peter do something right?
Francis: No, I'm not prepared for the world come to an end.
[Lois, Meg, Brian and Francis are sitting at the bench, with Meg covering her eyes]
Lois: We're only one run behind with the tying run at third.
Meg: But they have two outs!
Brian: But Peter's on third! And they're ace hitter's coming up!
Meg: Say, you don't think Dad will try to steal home, do you?
Francis: Never. Not even Peter would think about doing anything THAT stupid.
Brian: That's beyond his own stupidity.
[Cuts to Peter, on the baseball field, on third base]
Peter: I wonder if I should try to steal home?
The Griffins: That idiotic Peter Griffin's trying to steal home!! SLIDE, PETER! SLIDE!
[After a huge cloud of dust clears, it reveals Peter's lying on his back. His baseball team and family frown down on him]
Everyone (sans Peter): Peter Griffin, you absolute dumbass!
[The team throw their caps and gloves on him and leave in anger]
Peter: Am I out?
Francis: Out? OUT?! You didn't even get HALFWAY HOME!
[Francis points to his right and reveals the line Peter made during his run to home]
Brian: You out shot by thirty feet.
Francis: Out of ALL the things to fail, how do you fail stealing home?!
Thelma: Francis, maybe we should leave Peter and get you home. You-you don't do well when you're angry.
[Thelma leads Francis away to their car as Francis continues his meltdown]
Francis: It just doesn't make any damn sense! How do fail that when you're on third base?! It's so EASY!! A TODDLER could steal it!
Peter: I guess let everyone down, all over getting caught up in some silly rivalry.
Lois: Don't get too down about losing the game, Peter... If you forget about it, everyone else will too....
Peter: Do you really think so, Lois?
Lois: I'm positive!
Meg: Mom's right. Besides, they'll for sure forget about it when you inevitably lose to Cleveland's softball team next game.
Peter: Oh, that's a relief- What, WAIT?!
Brian: Yeah, next game you're playing against Cleveland. It turns out his deli has a softball team too.
[Lois, Brian, Meg and Stewie walk away]
Lois/Brian/Stewie/Meg: Good night, Goat!
[Peter continues to lie on his back looking upwards until nighttime has fallen]
[In the end credits, it shows Peter is still lying on his back looking upwards. As the end credits almost close, he turns his face and grimaces]
Peter: Oh, good grief!

Songs[]

Trivia[]

  • The episode reveals that Francis used to a baseball player in his youth.
  • It's learned that The Quahog Police Station has a softball team as well. At the end of the episode, we learn that Cleveland's Deli apparently has a softball team too.

Cultural References[]

  • A few nods are made to the comic strip Peanuts:
    • The title and whole main plot takes a few cues from "Charlie Brown's All-Stars".
    • Peter at one point says "Good Grief", a catchphrase most used in Peanuts.
    • Peter and Francis' get knocked into the air and their clothes get flung off when hit with a speedy baseball the same way Charlie Brown does.

Continuity[]

Deleted Scene[]

  • The entire Hope & Rape cutaway song was cut from FOX airings after the original airing, though still findable on DVD, Adult Swim and TBS.
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