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Petarded

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Petarded
Season 4, Episode 5
Shiny Red Bal
Air date June 1, 2003
List of Episodes
Previous
Don't Make Me Over 		Next
15 Minutes of Shame

Petarded is the fifth episode of the fourth season of Family Guy. It is the sixty-seventh episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

At a game night among friends, Lois lets Peter win at Trivial Pursuit, which leads Peter to gloat and think he's a genius. Brian knows the truth and challenges Peter to prove his intelligence by getting an IQ test... and while it proved Brian's point that Peter's not smart, the test results determine Peter is legally mentally retarded.

Plot[]

The Griffins invite the neighbors over for game night. While they are playing Trivial Pursuit, Lois gives Peter the Pre-School Edition questions to let him have his moment. After winning the game, Peter is an insufferable boor and starts talking down to everyone. Brian can’t take it and challenges Peter to apply for the MacArthur Genius Grant to prove he is in fact a genius. When the test results come back, however, it turns out that Peter is actually mentally retarded.

Peter is depressed about this until he accidentally runs over Tom Tucker. Tucker is mad until he sees that it’s Peter, the retarded fellow, who ran him over, and lets him go without calling the police. Peter realizes that being retarded means he can get away with all kinds of inappropriate behavior and he quickly takes advantage of his newfound power, in ways such as kicking doors open in the women’s restroom. Unfortunately, while trying to steal a deep-fryer from a fast-food restaurant, Peter pours hot grease all over Lois and while she is in the hospital, Agent Jessup from Child Protective Services takes the children away because Peter is mentally unfit to be a parent. With Cleveland taking custody of Stewie, Mort and Muriel taking custody of Chris and Quagmire taking custody of Meg (who mostly took her to stare at her).

Brian tells Peter that he just has to show that he is a good parent, which Peter thinks that the best way to do that is to show what a bad parent Quagmire, Cleveland and Mort are, so he brings seven prostitutes into Cleveland’s house, serveral strippers to Quagmire's house and hangs up Jewish propaganda at Mort's. Each time, Agent Jessup sees through the plot and Peter's ordered out (the only change is with Cleveland he orders five of the prostitutes out, with the clear implication). Peter is given a trial as to why he should get the kids back. A heartfelt plea in trial fails and Peter barely avoids imprisonment.

Peter and Brian are at home lamenting the fact that the Griffins will never be a family again when Lois walks in and Peter finds out she is completely recovered. To Peter's joy, Lois got the kids back, and will smell like french fries for the next 6 months.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

[At the Griffin house, Peter, Lois, Joe, Bonnie, Cleavland, Quagmire, Randall and Eliza Fargus are in the living room. Quagmire is on the carpet laying out the Twister mat, and Fargus is sitting on the left chair to the tv holding the spinner, with Eliza leaning on the chair next to him]
Lois: Peter, this game night was a great idea.
Peter: Yeah, this will be a lot more fun than last Saturday, when we threw that fake gala in someone's mansion without permission and got arrested.
[In a flashback, a police officer opens the cell to where the Griffin, Brown, Swanson and Fargus families are sitting in]
Charlie: Okay, folks. You're free to go. I hope this long night in jail has taught you not to trespass ever again!
[The families walk out, completely worn out]
Peter: God, what a wild night this was.
Randall Fargus: Eh, I had worse. [to Charlie] Good seeing you again, Charlie. Tell the kids I said hi.
Charlie: Will do, Randall.
[Cuts to everyone at the dinner table playing a civil rights board game]
Cleveland: Thanks for including my civil rights board game in the game night rotation, guys.
Lois: We're always happy to play Two Decades of Dignity. It makes us all feel a little less guilty.
[Peter rolls the dice and moves his piece on the board and Randall pick his card]
Randall Fargus: "For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail."
Peter: Aw, man, does anyone ever win at this game?
Cleveland: You don't win. You just do a little better each time.
[Cuts to everyone in the living room wearing paintball clothing and gloves]
Peter: Okay, everybody, time for paintball.
Brian: Oh, I forgot to pick up the paintball guns.
[Joe comes to the group with a box]
Joe: Well, we could use these. I brought them from the office.
[Everyone grabs a gun so they can play paintball with real guns. Until Lois and Eliza start to freak out]
Lois: Peter, is it safe to be firing real guns at each other in the house?
Eliza Fargus: Yeah, especially with your age, Randy
[Peter and Randall both shrug]
Peter: All right, all right, nobody fire at Lois or Eliza. They're scared.
Lois: Peter, we're scared, we're just-
Randall Fargus: Chickens.
Eliza Fargus: Randall.
Peter: Big, fat chickens!
Lois: Peter, if you call us that one more time, we're shooting you.
[Peter and Randall, ignoring the warnings, begin to buck like chickens until Lois and Eliza shoot them in a left and right leg respectively, causing them to shout and grasp the leg]
Randall Fargus: Okay, okay. Forget those terms.
Peter: All right, three, two, one, go!
[Everyone scatters around the living room and begin shooting each other. As the Guns were firing, people were jumping and running around trying to win the game, exclaiming]
Joe: (off-screen) Missed, you ass.
[Behind the couch, Peter sees his target, Quagmire, shooting at an unknown direction. He then he shoots him in the leg]
Quagmire: Aw ow! Damn it, Peter, that hurt.
Peter: Relax, Quagmire. You're doing better than Peter Weller from the opening scene of Robocop.
[The scene change to Weller is being shot by Joe, Cleveland and Fargus]
Lois: Well, now that the mess is all cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room, it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit.
[The families play Trivial Pursuit]
Peter: Alright, Brian. This one's for you. What naturally occurring element has the highest melting point of all metals?
Brian: Uh, cadmium?
Peter: Sorry, tungsten! Heheh! Dumbass. My turn! What do you got?
Lois: Okay, here we go. What color is a firetruck?
Peter: Ah, oh, God. I always get these. Um, okay, uh, alright. Firetruck, ... firetruck, firetruck, firetruck, firetruck. What color are those red firetrucks? Uh, ... Oh, God. I can picture them now. All red and everything.
Peter: Okay, Fargus. Name the 16th century, ecumenical body that marked the major turning point for Christianity in Europe.
Randall Fargus: Uh, I think that was The Council of Trent.
Peter: Hahahaha! You! You could not be more wrong! Heh! The answer is Phyllis Diller!
Randall Fargus: Peter, I think you're reading the pink...
Chris: My dad's smarter than your dad!
Meg: We have the same dad, idiot.
Chris: Yeah, but at least mine didn't abandon me!
Meg: ...What?
Timer: I hanker for a hunka! A slammer slice of junka! I hanker for a hunka cheese! When your get up and go has got up and went-
[Peter knocks on the door and Timer answers it]
Timer: Howdy, partner!
Peter: Uh, yeah, pardon me, sir. I live next door. Uh, it is 3:30 in the morning. I-I am very tired.
Timer: Look, a wagon wheel!
Peter: What the hell is your problem!?
Timer: I just smoked a whole bunch of crack!
Lois: Everything alright, Peter?
Peter: Well, since you asked, Lois. I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.
Brian: What is this? You're gunna talk down to everybody just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit?
Peter: Perhaps.
Brian: Alright, you know what? Fine. You are a genius, Peter. As a matter of fact, let's make it official. You ever heard of the MacArthur Genius Grant?
Peter: Perhaps.
Peter: Well, here they are, Brian. My test results. Read them and weep.
Brian: Uh, Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact, you're mentally retarded.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian: Uh, maybe.
Peter: Uh-oh.
[A drunk driver drives a bulldozer through the wall and destroys it]
Drunk Driver: [slurred speech] Congratulations!
Meg: I can't believe this is happening to me! My dad is a retard. I can never go back to school again.
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes. This is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way of clearing your sinuses. No, no, no. It's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
[Peter runs over Tom Tucker with his car]
Lois: Oh my God! Mr. Tucker, are you alright?
Tom: Do I look like I'm alright!? My back is broken and my leg is twisted!
Lois: Oh my God. Your hooker's dead!
Tom: Well, she was already dead but that doesn't excuse the-wait a minute. You're Peter Griffin, the retarded fellow.
Peter: Yeah?
Tom: Oh, well then. Don't worry about it.
Peter: Wait a minute, you mean, you're not even gunna call the cops?
Tom: 'Course not. Can you imagine the trouble I'd be in if I held a lawsuit against a retarded man?
Peter: Oh my God. I can get away with anything. I just have to play the tard card and nobody can stop me!
[Peter goes through the women's bathroom and kicks open the stalls; Peter kicks open a stall]
Woman: AAAAAAAAHHH!!!! GET OUT OF HERE, PERVERT!
Peter: Sorry, retarded.
Woman: Oh, that's okay, then.
[Peter kicks open another stall]
Woman: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! RAPE!
Peter: Don't know any better.
Woman: Oh, bless your heart.
[Peter kicks open another stall]
Meg: AAAAAAAAAH!!!
Peter: Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago, Meg? I'm retarded!
Peter: Attention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
Agent Jessup: Hi, I'm Agent Jessup from child services. I'm here to take your kids away.
Peter: What!? Why!?
Agent Jessup: Because, you're mentally unfit to take care of them.
Chris: No way!
Meg: Oh my God!
Stewie Finally!
Mort: Hey, Chris, did you know I have two anuses'?
Peter: This plan is so good, it's retarded!
Cleveland: Peter, you and five of those hookers, get out!
Peter: Look, I-I know I screwed up big time but I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them and I think it's a bum wrap that just because I'm retarded, that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford, uh, I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, your honor and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say?
Judge Blackman: Are you kidding? You're a monster. In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place, where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps, locked in a big secure building with other dangerous people for a predetermined period of time based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists so, I have no choice but to set you free.
Peter: Does that mean I get my kids back?
Judge Blackman: Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs gavel]
Peter: Aw, crap! Oh. It was prison you were thinking of. Prison.
Judge Blackman: Oh, I already banged the hammer!
Chris: Now we can live with you again, even though you're a dangerous retard.
Peter: Don't say "retard", Chris. We prefer to be called "Little People".

Songs[]

Trivia[]

  • Despite Sulkin and Wild writing the episode, the idea for this episode was actually from Seth MacFarlane.
  • Peter Griffin is revealed to be mentally retarded, although which specific mental disability he has is never clarified.
  • During game night, the neighbors play Twister, Trivial Pursuit, "paintball" with real guns and Two Decades of Dignity, a fictitious civil rights board game that resembles Monopoly. Cleveland mentions you don’t win at the game, you just "do a little better each time."
    • Peter mentions that he goes directly to jail for whistling at a white woman, a nod to the alleged circumstances that led to the murder of Emmett Till.
  • Chris says that his dad is smarter than Meg's dad. In "Screwed the Pooch", Brian says that Meg's real father is someone by the name of Stan Thompson.
  • After Peter shoots Quagmire, he says "Relax, Quagmire, you’re doing better than Peter Weller in the opening scene of RoboCop." Weller is then seen being shot by Joe, Cleveland and Fargus.
  • Peter watched a National Geographic special on fire trucks. He is later attacked by a fire truck outside his house at episode’s end.
  • Brian suggests Peter take the IQ test to qualify for a MacArthur genius grant. Imagining what he would do with the money from the MacArthur grant, Peter pictures himself 'buying' television actress Cloris Leachman and forcing her to juggle beanbags. Cloris Leachman voices herself in this episode.
  • Instead of a calculator at his MacArthur grant test, Peter has a See ’n’ Say, an educational toy for young children.
  • Stewie compares the way Meg clears her sinuses to that of The Odd Couple character Felix Unger.
  • A cutaway parodies the 1985 film Mask about disfigured California teenager Rocky Dennis.
  • A cutaway imitates iPod commercials, with Stewie dancing in silhouette. The song in the background is the 1984 hit "The Warrior" by Scandal. One of the last lines in the song not featured in the cutaway is "Victory is mine."
  • Stewie watches the CBS Evening News. The show mocks anchor Dan Rather’s whistling intonation, likening him to a tea kettle.
  • Jake and the Fatman shows Jason "Fatman" McCabe as too sleepy and distracted by food to solve crimes.
  • When Peter declares it is the worst day of his life, Lois reassures him by telling him others have had worse. A Hiroshima man gets a parking ticket, gets splashed with mud by a car, and a mandrill falls from the sky on him, all on August 6, 1945, the day that the atomic bomb was dropped on the city.

Cultural References[]

  • In a flashback, Peter meets Timer, “the Cheese Guy”, a character who appeared in the ABC network’s 1970s public service announcements on nutrition.
  • The doctor shows Peter where his test results place him in terms of intelligence. His chart shows “Retarded” below “Average”, but above “Creationist”. The scene is a reference to a similar scene in Forrest Gump.
  • The scene at the dinner table in which Peter introduces his state appointed inspirational social worker named Verne is a reference to the 1988 film Rain Man in which the character Verne is Raymond Babbitt's "main man".
  • A voiceover counts the prostitutes Peter brings to Cleveland’s house. This is a parody of the Baker films.
  • "I'm A Tumor" is to the tune of “Rock Me Amadeus” by Falco.
  • While Peter is defending himself in court, he lists off celebrities that have been exposed as unfit parents, specifically Bing Crosby who reportedly beat his sons, Joan Crawford of the film Mommie Dearest and the Ramsey family.
  • The "Peter is Slow" musical number is a reference to the "Telephone Hour" number from the movie version of the musical, Bye Bye Birdie.

Extended Scenes on DVD[]

  • Extended version of "Peter is Slow".
  • Mort telling Chris he has two anuses.

Deleted Scenes[]

  • Cutaway gag about Peter and Lois watching a vagina do stand-up.
  • Cutaway gag about Stewie being afraid to tell a black joke at a party.
  • Cutaway gag about Rocky Dennis.
  • Stewie watches Dan Rather.
  • Peter and Brian watch Jake and The Fatman.
  • Peter doing a "how loud can I yell" experiment.
  • Peter tackling down an opponent going for a touchdown while attending a New England Patriots game.
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