Family Guy Fanon Wiki
Family Guy Fanon Wiki
Family Guy Fanon Wiki
4,228
pages
in: Episodes, Season 3, Horace Episodes,
and 8 more

One if by Clam, Two if by Sea

Sign in to edit
One if by Clam, Two is by Sea
Season 3, Episode 5
Air date August 25, 2000
Episode Guide
Previous
Peter Griffin's All-Stars 		Next
And the Wiener Is ...

One if by Clam, Two if by Sea is the fifth episode of the third season of Family Guy. It is the forty-sixth episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

Horace sells the Drunken Clam to a British man, who turns it into a pub. The Beer Bar Buddies and Buck attempt to fight back against them. But when they're arrested, their wives must come to the rescue.

Plot[]

A hurricane strikes Quahog. Though The Drunken Clam survived the storm, Horace, the owner sells up and leaves for Florida. An English man named Nigel Pinchley turns it into a stereotypically British pub called The Clam's Head Pub. The Beer Bar Buddies are upset over the loss of their favorite bar, but Change for a Buck (or known by his nickname Buck) comes to them, saying he heard how they had their bar stolen by Nigel Pinchley and his league of Brits. So he teams up with them to start their own American revolution at the pub by harassing its staff and patrons. However, the English are blessed with the gift of the gab, and successfully convince them to leave. So Peter and his friends storm a ship from the UK, and throw the beer cargo into the sea.

That night, the pub mysteriously burns down and The Beer Bar Buddies and Buck are thrown in jail due to an anonymous tip-off. Steve Bellows, a criminal Joe arrested, plans to kill him and the others at midnight on Saturday. Lois, Loretta, and Bonnie are unable to believe their husbands and Quagmire would burn down the pub. They subsequently discover that Nigel had taken out a large insurance policy the day before the pub burned down and immediately become suspicious. Knowing Nigel is strongly attracted to her, Lois plans to trick Nigel into confessing. Although it was not witnessed by Bonnie and Loretta, Nigel's insurance agent was in his closet and overheard everything.

Meanwhile, Stewie tries to teach Eliza, Nigel's daughter, to overcome her "common" Cockney accent and speak "proper" English. He bets Brian that she will be a proper lady at her birthday party. After several sessions, Stewie manages to teach Eliza how to speak "properly". At the party, Eliza does, until she wets herself in front of everybody, slipping back to her Cockney accent and making Stewie lose the bet.

On the night Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland are supposed to be killed by Steve, they are freed by Lois, Bonnie and Loretta before he could arrive. The men and their wives celebrate their success at The Drunken Clam, which Horace bought back and returned to normal. Lois states that she hopes that Nigel is punished, and he is hanged at the Tower of London while Eliza gets sent to an orphanage. She sends Stewie a letter threatening to kill Lois if she gets out, much to his amusement.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

Diane: Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for a look at how local are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia?
Tricia: Diane, I'm here in... [a flying brown car crashes her]
Diane: Thank you, Tricia. Stay tuned for further...
Greg the Weather Mime: [flying into Tom and Diane] AAAGGGHHH!
Stewie: Well, Brian, if you have extra sensitive hearing, hear this. [mouthing] Fuck you.
Brian: I'm telling.
Stewie: No, wait! I said vacuum.
Peter: [Finding the Clam has changed] Holy crap! It's a gay bar!
Peter: Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards!
Lois: Peter!
Nigel: Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. [He and Lois start laughing; looks over Lois]
Peter: Holy crap! You're one of them!
Lois: Peter, Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors.
Nigel: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey bastard" who has purchased your bar.
Eliza: [to Stewie in a Cockney accent] Aw, look at the little baby!
Stewie: Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise?
Eliza: It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? [offers a flower to Stewie]
Stewie: Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out!
Peter: [to Nigel] Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank." Your move, Sherlock.
Lois: Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are.
Peter: Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli.
[Cutaway to Benjamin Disraeli sitting at a desk, writing]
Benjamin Disraeli: [looks up to the camera] You don't even know who I am.
Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well. And if I win?
Brian: Well, I...I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: You're on!
Nigel: Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!
Cleveland: Don't tread on me!
Peter: Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II, and we can do it again!
Nigel: Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Just try it!
[Scene cuts to Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland leaving the pub]
Peter, Joe, Quagmire, & Cleveland: Bye, now.
Cleveland: Thanks.
Joe: Sorry to bother you.
Quagmire: I never saw it that way before. Wait, how the hell did they do that?
Cleveland: I do feel a little guilty about pollutin'.
Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
Judge: You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha! Now you got burned! No bail!
Stewie: It's an "H" sound, you moron! H! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Eliza: Eww, your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie: I was curious!
Lois: Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here?
Demond Wilson: I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.
Insurance Agent: Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything! What you've done is a textbook example of insurance "fraud"!
Nigel: Oh, bloody hell! What the devil were you doing in the closet anyway?
Insurance Agent: I came with Demond.
Trica Takanawa: One thing is certain, the pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase: "Hey. Check out that flaming queen."
Peter: [Finding the bar is intact after the hurricane] Thank you, God!
God: Don't mention it.

Song[]

Trivia[]

  • Flashbacks at the beginning establish that Peter has been working at the toy factory and going to The Drunken Clam regularly since 1977.
  • A cutaway parodies the "light cycle”" sequence from 1982 film Tron, where Peter claims he is the "green guy." There is a sign in the Tron sequence that says in upside down letters, "If You Can Read This, Your TV's Upside Down."
  • The lesbian bar the guys go to is named 'The Cherry Pit'.
  • In the 1977 flashback, the car parked outside the Drunken Clam is an AMC Pacer.
  • The car parked outside the Drunken Clam during the 1984 flashback is a DeLorean DMC-12.
  • The music playing in the Drunken Clam in 1984 is the instrumentals from the song "Every Breath You Take" by The Police.
  • The song that Peter plays on the glass harp during the storm is “What I Did for Love” from the musical A Chorus Line.
  • Awoken by Peter talking in his sleep, Lois is originally angry at what she assumes is an erotic dream involving someone named Jenny, but relieved to find out that Peter is actually dreaming about the stand-up comedian Richard Jeni.
  • With the transformation of the Drunken Clam into a British pub, the girlie magazines in the bathroom are replaced with Charles Dickens’ novel David Copperfield, whom the men misinterpret as the magician.
  • Believing that they are “trained to stay perfectly still,” Peter is punched in the face by a member of the British Foot Guards when he starts to say something about former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
  • Tricia Takanawa holds a charred portrait of Queen Elizabeth II and puns on the expression “flaming queen.”
  • Peter says that a Channel 5 Quahog News report about a new arson suspect is better than COPS, and that “you know there’s a fat, drunk guy in there.” The suspect turns out to be Peter himself.
  • Demond Wilson, star of the 1970s sitcom "Sanford and Son", is hiding in Nigel’s study.
  • In "Meet the Quagmires", it is said that Peter is 18 in 1984. The scene in the Clam in 1977 means that Peter is 11, but fully grown and working in a toy factory.
  • Representing what would happen if the British took away action films, Peter imagines action movie stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone in a romantic film titled I Remember Cecil, which seems to belong to the same genre as Brideshead Revisited or Room with a View.
  • Stewie calls Brian “Dogbert," after the title character’s dog in the comic strip "Dilbert", who is also an intelligent talking dog with white fur.
  • Nigel and Eliza are also the names of two characters in The Wild Thornberrys, intentionally or coincidentally, are also a British father and his daughter respectively. It starred Lacey Chabert, who provided the voice of Meg Griffin in Season 1 and part of Season 2.
  • Benjamin Disraeli, the 19th Century British Prime Minister, statesman and literary figure, is seen in a brief cutaway in which he states, “You don’t even know who I am.” With this, Family Guy pokes fun at itself referencing not only well-known pop culture icons and historical figures, but also relatively obscure people of whom many viewers have no knowledge.

Cultural References[]

  • The title of the episode is a reference to the poem "Paul Revere's Ride" by Longfellow which commemorates the actions of American patriot Paul Revere. Referring to the signaling system to be used if the British were sighted, the verse runs:
He said to his friend, "If the British march By land or sea from the town to-night, Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch Of the North Church tower as a signal light,-- One if by land, and two if by sea"
  • The scene after Peter and his friends try to find a new bar involves Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire standing beside a fence drinking tins of beer and only saying “Yep” repetitively. The scene is a reference to King of the Hill.
  • Cleveland’s line “Don’t tread on me,” spoken as they enter the British pub and try to reclaim it, is a reference to the First Navy Jack ensign, which featured thirteen horizontal red lines with a rattlesnake in the foreground.
  • Stewie’s attempts to teach Eliza to speak properly is a spoof of Eliza Doolittle, originally from the George Bernard Shaw play Pygmalion which inspired the musical My Fair Lady.
  • The scene in which Peter and his friends sneak on a British ship and pour beer overboard is a parody of the 1773 Boston Tea Party, in which the Sons of Liberty did the same with "bricks" of British tea.
  • Peter and the gang’s arrival in jail parodies a scene in the 1994 film The Shawshank Redemption. Peter’s method of carving an escape tunnel through the cell wall, seen later in the episode, mirrors the protagonist’s escape in that film.
  • When the guys enter the Clam's Head in Revolutionary War garb, they resemble the painting "Spirit of '76" by Archibald Willard.
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.