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No Giggity, No Doubt is an episode of Family Guy.

Synopsis

The Beer Bar Buddies party their ways over to a prom and Quagmire hits on an 18 year old girl.

Plot

When the beer bar buddies are preparing to go to a Patriots game, they notice some other guys getting ready to go to the game on a party bus. Naturally, they're interested in what a "party bus" is and they go on to join the group. Peter quickly befriends one of the party bus guys and they all hitch a ride. After riding along they become hooked on party buses and soon crash other buses, including one that hosted a guy's bachelor party. The bachelor, Smitty, stood on a chair on the roof of the bus, so he could cheer about how he was about to get a lap dance from some stripped fire fighters. However, by standing on the chair, he got himself decapitated by a bridge, as the bus passed under it. Shortly after his death, Smitty's bride-to-be immediately moved on and started dating a male stripper firefighter. They also go onto a party speedboat, driven by a drunken woman. As to be expected, she crashes the boat and Peter snaps his neck. Lastly, the guys go on a party bus, taking them to the school dance at Adam West High School. Upon arrival, the guys feel as though they have the right to crash the party.

During the party, Peter shoved the DJ aside and plays some music for Cleveland to dance to, which makes him the center of attention at the party, as teenagers cheer him and his epic dance moves on. After Cleveland cuts his hand on a staple, Joe rolls in to try and steal the show. He fails to sing the song "One Week" and makes an ass of himself but not as big of an ass as Meg Griffin, who couldn't even get a date to the dance, so she became a chaperone, who stopped actual couples from having any fun. Principal Shepherd shows pity for her not having a date for herself but Meg says that she actually does have a date, who she named Pickle Date, who is just a pickle she got and put a tiny tuxedo on. Meg suggests that she shoves Pickle Date up her pussy for pleasure and Principal Shepherd immediately regrets asking.

Quagmire meets a hot girl named Courtney at the party and finds out she's above the age of consent, giving him the legal right to go up to her and hit on her. Courtney takes a liking to Quagmire and goes back to his place with him. Quagmire and Courtney start making out and taking each other's clothes off. A transition goes to the aftermath of their sex, where they both lie down in their bed, equally pleasured by what they did. Courtney utters a pleased "Giggity", which alarms Quagmire. Courtney says that this phrase is just something that comes naturally to her, which Quagmire recognizes as something genetic in his family and rushes to take a paternity DNA test on her. Sure enough, he finds out that Courtney is in fact, blood-related to him. The duo become frightened and disgusted, now knowing that Courtney is Quagmire's daughter and the two just had incestuous sex. Despite knowing this information, they still continue to fuck and later get right back into being disturbed by their familial relations again.

Quagmire takes Courtney to the kitchen and they try to make sense of the situation. Courtney asks Quagmire who her real mother is, which is a question that he can't answer, on account of there being a countless number of women he had slept with 18 years ago, most of which he didn't even learn the names of. Not wanting to tell her the truth, Quagmire makes up the lie that his wife, Kimi is her mother. Quagmire quickly zips upstairs, explains things to Kimi, and brings her down to meet her "daughter". Courtney and Kimi are excited to meet each other and they really hit things off. Kimi asks where Courtney currently lives and Courtney shows her new parents that she's rooming in less-than-ideal conditions. Courtney reveals that she doesn't even live with a foster family. She's living in the garage of her friend from school and sleeping on a dirty old mattress, surrounded by rats and spiders. Kimi and Quagmire refuse to stand for Courtney living such a life, so they invite her to live with them.

Quagmire quickly takes to being a father, and Kimi plays along, actually quite liking being a mother. Quagmire takes Courtney to work and shows her the ropes of flying his airplane. Courtney does a belly roll, causing all of the passengers to fall out of their chairs and get hurt. At school, Courtney is on the gymnastics team and so Quagmire and Kimi watch her big performance. Courtney sticks a landing that scores her an 8.6 with the judges. Quagmire gets extremely pissed off at the judges for giving her this score and marches down to their table and screams at them. Courtney then tells him that she gets a second chance at doing the landing, so she can improve her score. Quagmire realizes that he just made an ass of himself in front of the judges, his daughter, all of the students in the gym, and the entire bleachers, jam-packed with full grown adults, many of which he knows.

When Quagmire goes to see Peter, Cleveland, and Joe at The Drunken Clam, he is a changed man. Quagmire is now a prim and proper good dad, who refutes dirty jokes and sexism, loves and cares for his daughter, deeply, and overall, acts like a civilized human being. His friends hate this new side of him and worry that they've lost their friend. All Quagmire does the entire time is call out his friends on their inappropriate behavior, which is the same kind of behavior that he was perfectly fine with before as well as the kind of stuff that he, personally took part in. Quagmire's daughter changed his life for the better. Although for his friends, it was for the worse.

Lois likes this new side of Quagmire and invites the newly found, Quagmire family over to her house for dinner, much to the dismay of Peter. The family raves about the Wonder Woman movie and how it sends out such a positive message to young girls everywhere. Chris comments on how lame the movie was, which triggers Quagmire, as he thinks the only reason he doesn't like it is because it's about feminism and that Chris is a sexist. Quagmire invites Peter and Meg for a weekend father-daughter camping trip. Peter is less than enthused, and he tries suggesting a plethora of other people to go with him, many of which are recurring and one-time characters from the show and even some characters from American Dad! and The Cleveland Show. Quagmire still insists on taking him and Peter sadly obliges. Seamus sticks his head in the window and says that he heard his name and asks if he can still come. Peter declines, thinking that the camping trip will already be bad enough without him. Seamus says that everyone else is out there too. Peter looks out the window to see that a massive crowd of people are standing out there, hoping to be chosen to go on the camping trip with him. Literally everybody he mentioned and many, many more people are out there, including the ghosts of Mayor Adam West, Angela, and Muriel Goldman. The latter is shoved out of the way by Angela, since she's just so damn ugly.

Peter, Quagmire, Courtney, and Meg go on a camping trip the mountain and Peter absolutely hates it. His bad attitude soon rubs off on Quagmire who takes his frustrations out on everyone, especially Courtney. Using a magnifying glass to look at a map, he accidentally sets it on fire and when he tosses it into the bushes, it sets the entire woods ablaze. Surrounded by flames Quagmire apologizes and promises that if they should survive, he'd be a better father to Courtney. Just then, they are rescued by firefighters who they partied with earlier in the episode. While on a helicopter flight home, Courtney hangs from the ladder for fun and gets herself killed as they pass over a highway bridge.

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Quotes

Peter: So, where's this party bus taking us?
Party Bus Guy: The Gillette Stadium.
Peter: Ah, sheesh. I'm afraid you gotta count me out. I'm too fat to go to stadiums.
Party Bus Guy: [amused] Pfft, what? How can someone be too fat to go to stadiums?
Peter: Well, the last time I went to a stadium, my presence alone, is what caused the Hillsborough disaster.

Chris: Mom, can we eat? My stomach is starting to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger gasping for air at the end of Total Recall.
Meg: Yeah, mine too.
[Chris and Meg’s stomachs grumbles and sounds like Arnold Schawzenegger]
Chris' Stomach: AAAAAGGH!!! MY EYES ARE POPPING OUT AT THE END OF THIS MOVIE!
Meg's Stomach: THERE'S LESS FOOD IN ME THAN THERE IS OXYGEN ON MARS!

Peter: I'm a party bus guy now.
Stewie: Well, it can't be any worse than when he was a triple decker bus guy.
[Cutaway to Peter driving a triple decker bus; He passes under a bridge and the entire third floor is ripped off the bus, killing everyone in it]
Peter: [hitting the ceiling with a broom] Hey! Keep it down up there!

[Smitty stands on a chair, on top of a party bus]
Smitty: Whoo! To my last night as a free man!
[Smitty gets decapitated by a bridge]
Peter: That bridge is doing more harm than good.

Peter: I'm beginning to think those vodka cranberries may have had alcohol in them.

Meg: Close dancing, 12:00. Hey! Arms length, dirty porno lovers!

Principal Shepherd: So, going stag tonight, Meg?
Meg: Oh, no. I brought someone.
Principal Shepherd: Oh, really? Who?
Meg: I named him Pickle Date.
Principal Shepherd: [confused] What?
[Meg takes out a pickle in a tuxedo and does a voice]
Meg: Hello, I'm in love with Meg.
Principal Shepherd: Well, I'm very sorry I asked.

Principal Shepherd: Attention students. It's time to announce this year's prom king and queen.
Peter: [offscreen] Natalee Holloway!

[Quagmire frantically hands Courtney a cotton swab to conduct a DNA test]
Quagmire: Here, rub this up and down on the inside of your cheek.
Quagmire and Courtney: Giggity!
Quagmire: Ahhh! Stop saying that!

Quagmire: Wow, so I'm your father. I guess this means I have a phone call to make.
[Quagmire makes a phone call]
Quagmire: Hey, it's Glenn Quagmire. Could you take a message for Andrew?
[Cutaway to a clip from The Maury Pauvich Show]
Maury Pauvich: Andrew, ... you are not the father.
[Andrew leaps out of his seat and starts jumping for joy]
Andrew: [celebrating] WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO! WHAT! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

Quagmire: Courtney, there's something I just gotta ask. What the heck was the theme of that dance?
Courtney: What do you mean?
Quagmire: Well, like. There was palm trees like it was Hawaii, but then there was a suit of armor in the corner, there was a big banner with ... with fish on it.
Courtney: Can we get back to the fact that you're my dad?
Quagmire: Yeah, you're right I'm ... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Courtney: Hey, is that an Instant Pot?
Kimi: No, it's a Crock-Pot.
Courtney: You gotta get an Instant Pot. You can make short ribs in it. It falls ...
Kimi: Yeah, it falls right off the bone. I know. I've had this conversation five times.
[Donna shows up, outside the window]
Donna: Hey, Kimi. I hear you're considering an Instant Pot.
Kimi: [sigh] Courtney, that's my neighbor, Donna.
Donna: Hey, Courtney. You gettin' this girl on board?

Peter: So, I think I had a wet nightmare last night.

[Cleveland makes a faux phone call on his hand]
Cleveland: Yes, 9-1-1? Someone has stolen the old Quagmire and replaced him with a respectable man. [laughs]
Voice over the phone: Sir, this line is reserved for emergencies only. Please end your clammy joke.

[Quagmire flies Courtney in a plane]
Courtney: I can't believe my dad knows how to fly this thing.
Quagmire: You wanna try?
Courtney: Me? Oh, I don't know.
Quagmire: Come on, it's easy. You don't even need a college degree, which is a very scary, true fact.

[Courtney enters]
Stewie: See, Meg? That's a thigh gap.

Brian: Yo, Courtney. What's your Instagram? I just got on there and need some interesting peeps to follow.
Courtney: Oh, you'll have to ask my dad. He approves all my follow requests.
Quagmire: [to Brian] Denied! Nice try, ass.

Kimi: Hey, have you guys seen the Wonder Woman film?
Peter: Yeah, no.
Quagmire: Oh, you have to. It's a triumph.
Chris: I've read reviews about it, and I've heard it's really not worth the hype.
Kimi: Oh, why? Because it's about a woman?
Peter: Duh.
Chris: No ...
Peter: No.
Chris: ... It's just that the movie is complete shit.
Kimi: Guys, this movie is a shining addition to the DC universe and because it's about a woman, shouldn't change that.
Chris: Again, that it's about a woman has nothing to do with it.
Quagmire: Chris, please. It's probably the best DC movie, since Black Panther. [inquisitive] You don't have a problem with Black Panther, do you?
Chris: Black Panther is a Marvel movie, dumbass.

Quagmire: We're going camping. Hey, you and Meg should come with us, Peter. We'll make it a father daughter bonding weekend.
Lois: Oh, that's a great idea.
Meg: Yeah, let's go dad!
Peter: You know who you should take instead of me? Uh, Stewie, or ... or Chris, or Brian. May ... Maybe Lois, or ... Seamus is fun. Carter Pewterschmidt, Babs Pewterschmidt, Bonnie, Joe, their son, Kevin, their baby daughter Susie, she could be fun, Cleveland Brown, Cleveland Junior, Donna, Roberta, Rallo, their dog, Rock Hudson, Mort Goldman, Neil Goldman, Consuela, Jerome, Bruce, Opie, Carl, the "phony" guy, the ostrich, Al Harrington, Billy Finn, Sneakers O'Toole, Chief Oleki, Retep, Detective Scrotes, Sir Henry Giantholeinthetorso Wickenshire, Ziggy the Zygote, Stryker Foxx, Leonard Cornfeathers, Doris Billingsly, the car that killed Brian, John Travolta from one of our cutaways, uh, all of our characters as Star Wars characters, everybody from The Cleveland Show, everybody from American Dad!, Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, that's how that name is pronounced, The Orville, the ship, not the cast, um, me?
Quagmire: Okay.
Meg: Sure.
Courtney: You.
Peter: AW, DAMMIT! Okay, fine. I'll go.
Lois: Thank you.
Meg: Cool.
[Seamus shows up, at the window]
Seamus: I heard my name too. I'm in! No? I'll drive, buy snacks? No? Okay. Everyone else is out here too.
[Peter looks out the window and there's a massive group of all of the characters he mentioned, including characters from American Dad! and The Cleveland Show]
Peter: Oh my God! It's literally everyone!

Quagmire: [deep breath] Ah, smell that fresh mountain air. Don't get air like this back at home, do we, Pete?
Peter: Pretty sure air is the same everywhere.
Courtney: Not truly, Mr. Griffin. Air is fresher high up on the mountains because there, it hasn't been tainted by pollution. [deep breath] Ahh. Take a whiff, Meg.
Meg: Okay, sure.
[Meg begins to take a deep breath, but as she inhales, Peter farts in her face]
Meg: AUUUUGH! DAD!
Peter: [chortles] I don't know, this air smells pretty tainted to me.

Peter: Okay, here's one. I call it "The Invisible Noose." First, I throw a rope over this tree limb, put the noose around my neck. Now I'll just step onto this rock and jump off into the sweet relief of death.
[Peter hangs himself on an invisible noose, suspending himself in midair]
Courtney: How does he do that?
Meg: I don't know. When I ask him, he just tells me to figure it out myself, by using a real noose.

Quagmire: Hey, Peter. What's with the phone? This is a camping trip. No technology.
Peter: I'm just calling the suicide hotline to tell them it's too late.
Quagmire: Okay, Peter? What the Hell's the matter?
Peter: This camping trip sucks. Everyone else in the world is having more fun than me.
Quagmire: Oh, quit being so dramatic.
Peter: No, seriously. They are. Look at what Seamus uploaded!
[Peter shows Quagmire a video that Seamus uploaded on FaceBook]
Seamus: Hey, there everyone! Check out what I'm doing today?
[Seamus shows "literally everyone" that Peter mentioned previously, having a wild and crazy pool party; Also included now are Lois, Chris, Meg, Stewie, Brian, and Kimi]
Seamus: Bet Peter feels pretty silly about not inviting me now, huh?
[The screen is suddenly smashed and the camera shows that Quagmire just slapped the phone out of Peter's hand]
Quagmire: NO TECHNOLOGY!

Quagmire: [angry] GIGGITY FUCKING GIGGITY!

Quagmire: [angry] WHAT THE HELL WAS THE THEME OF THAT STUPID PROM!? ALL THE CUPS SAID "OH, WHAT A NIGHT"! I MEAN, IF IT WAS "OH, WHAT A KNIGHT" WITH A "K", THAT WOULD HAVE MADE SOME SENSE, CUZ THERE WAS A SUIT OF ARMOR THERE. WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? ANSWER ME!
Peter: I ... I think it's possible to overthink these things.

[Peter, Quagmire, Courtney, and Meg are trapped in a forest fire]
Peter: [to Meg] You know when this would never happen? If I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, ignoring you completely.

Quagmire: Courtney, I'm sorry for what I said earlier.
Courtney: You mean, when you completely ripped my school dance theme?
Quagmire: No, I ... no, there was no theme to rip. That's the point. I stand by all of that. If anything, I'm more angry.

[Firefighters come to save Peter, Quagmire, Courtney, and Meg from the forest fire]
Fireman #1: 9/11!
Fireman #2: Boston strong!
[The third fireman comes down, and he's completely headless, making him silent]
Peter: Oh, it's Smitty!

Quagmire: Man, this is great. Going for a helicopter ride with my one and only daughter.
Courtney: Hey, you know what's even better than riding a helicopter? Riding a helicopter ... rope ladder!
[Courtney grabs the rope ladder and opens the helicopter door]
Quagmire: Whoa!
Fireman #2: Uh, I wouldn't recommend-
[Courtney jumps out of the helicopter]
Fireman #2: -Aaaand, there she goes.
[Courtney rides the helicopter, by hanging from the ladder]
Courtney: Woohoo! I finally have a mom and dad!
[The helicopter flies over the highway bridge, making Courtney smash into it, killing her]
Quagmire: OH MY GOD!!!
Peter: That's it. Somebody needs to dismantle that bridge. It's a safety hazard.

Songs

Trivia

  • This is the first episode of Family Guy to air in the 2020's.
  • It's revealed that Quagmire has another bastard daughter, known as Courtney Quagmire, who was born of one of his many women. Her identity is still unknown, but Kimi is currently posing as her mother.
  • Connie and Kermit Legs Kyle become prom king and queen.
  • Meg is a chaperone at the school dance, and her date is a pickle, put into a tiny tuxedo.
  • A running in this episode was for members of The Goldman Family to get shoved out of the way. First, Peter shoved Neil off the stage, so he could take over as DJ, next Kimi shoved Mort off the bleachers, so she and Quagmire could watch Courtney's gymnastics performance, and finally, the ghost of Muriel was shoved out of the way by the ghost of Adam West, when she, and the other "show ghosts" made an appearance.
  • The Star Wars versions of the characters appear in the crowd shot of "literally everbody", hovering above them in a LO-KD57 sail barge. This includes Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, Darth Vader, C-3PO, R2-D2, Jabba the Hutt, Lando Calrissian, Yoda, Emperor Palpatine, and a Dianoga. This is the first time the Star Wars characters have appeared in the normal universe.
  • Televised airings of this episode have Quagmire and Courtney find out they're blood-related before having sex. However, the DVD depicts them finding out afterwards. This is obviously due to the FOX censors not wanting to depict incest on live television.
    • Despite this, they still left Peter and Chris' incestuous fornications from "Fresh Heir" uncensored.

Cultural References

Deleted Scenes

  • A fourth wall joke, where Peter misses his cue at the beginning of the episode.
  • A patriot saying that they'll miss the urinal, when peeing in it.
  • Some guy listening to headphones with Peter's heads on the earmuffs.
  • Peter drives a Fiat and argues with a guy in a Hummer.
  • The Beer Bar Buddies partying in a boat that crashes, breaking Peter's neck.
  • Peter smells Joe crapping himself.
  • Joe botching The Barenaked Ladies' song, "One Week".
  • Alternate take on Quagmire telling Andrew that he is not the father.
  • Quagmire making up lies about Courtney's mom, by looking at random things in the room.
  • Courtney asking Quagmire about the Crock-Pot instead of Kimi.
  • Quagmire teaching Courtney how to fly a plane.
  • Stewie telling Meg what a thigh gap is.
  • Quagmire awkwardly introducing Courtney to Meg.
  • Quagmire making bird calls for the yellow headed warbler.
  • Peter saying that he's a stinky poo poo head.
  • Peter getting an erection after he hangs himself.
  • Peter makes a joke with a passing by hiker.
  • Yellow headed warblers evacuating the forest, when it catches on fire.

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