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Transcript for New Phone, Who Dis? NOTE: Not all of the dialogue was perfectly audible so not everything has been noted. In the absence of known dialogue, the phrase "???" has taken it's place. If you know what the characters were saying here, please feel free to fill it in.

Transcript

[Act 1: The Griffins (except Peter) watch TV in the living room]
TV Announcer: We now return to Winona Ryder distracting from other speeches in history.
[Abraham Lincoln gives The Gettysburg Address, while Winona Ryder makes random faces and stupid positions in the background]
Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that-
[Peter enters the living room]
Peter: Great news, everyone. The new smartphone from Crabapple is out.
Chris: The new Crabapple phone? Awesome!
Lois: We may not be able to afford to send you to college but we can afford to buy you all thousand dollar phones whenever we like.
Chris: I'm so old, I remember when phones only cost $800.
Peter: That's why I thought we'd all camp out in line. I wanna be the first to get the new phone. I don't care if it takes all day.
Lois: Don't you have work?
Peter: Eh, I wouldn't mind missing work. There's a secretary looking for reassurance about her overly short haircut.
[Cutaway to a secretary with short hair in the elevator with her co-workers]
Secretary: I saw it in a magazine ... I needed a fresh start ... STOP PRETENDING TO STARE AT YOUR PHONES AND JUST SAY YOU HATE IT!
Peter: Sir, I am trying to read.
[The Griffins get ready to go to the store]
Chris: Mom, can you tie my shoes?
Lois: Just wear the Velcro ones.
Chris: I look like a bus person in the Velcro ones.
Lois: Okay, everybody. Last tinkles and poos.
Meg: Gross, mom!
Lois: I'M A MOM! I have to say it.
Peter: Man, I can't wait for a new phone. Kids, time to gather up our old cords and chargers that no longer work and throw them in the garbage.
Brian: We can't do that. Don't you know a lot of discarded electronics end up in the ocean and kill sea turtles?
Peter: Well then, let's cut out the middle man.
[Cutaway to Peter strangling a sea turtle with phone chargers]
Peter: GRRRR! I'm sorry, there's a new phone.
[The Griffins go shopping at the mall]
[Chris grabs a gold phone at the same time as a Russian Woman]
Russian Woman: Hey! Gold phone is mine! Already match finger nails.
[Chris and the Russian Woman get into a tug-of-war over the phone]
Chris: Hey! I was here first! That's mine!
[The two fight]
Russian Woman: Don't make me get my very hairy husband, or my very hairy son, or my very hairy daughter!
[Russian Woman wins the fight and runs away, leaving Chris in the ground, painfully hurt]
Chris: She wanted it more than me.
[The Griffins (except Meg) are in the kitchen, all on their phones. Lois is making them breakfast.]
Lois: Peter, I'm just not sure it's a great idea that everyone in the family got a new cell phone.
Stewie: Said the woman who voted for Trump. You never should have carried me into that booth.
Peter: It's fine, Lois. Plus, they won't stay new for long. I mean, how long do you think it's gonna be before Meg cracks her screen?
Brian: Did she really vote for Trump?
Stewie: I'm note sure. She just got me the new Playskool phone and I was just swamped with calls that day.
[Meg enters]
Meg: Good morning everybo-
[Meg drops her phone]
Meg: Dammit!
Peter: She's just gonna keep it like that for the next three years.
[Lois' sleeve gets too close to the stove and catches on fire]
Lois: AH! OH GOD! AAAAAH! AAAAAAH! FIRE! PETER! AAAAAH! PETER! I'M ON FIRE! PETER, HELP ME!
[Lois puts out the fire with a glass of water; The whole time, nobody even looked up from their phones]
Lois: Dammit! Those phones have turned you all into mindless drones! I knew this was would happen. Getting those things was a worse idea than when all those pop stars committed a skank robbery.
[Cutaway to Nicki Minaj, Izzy Azalea, and Madonna robbing a bank]
Iggy Azalea: Everybody put your hands up! This is a robbery!
Nicki Minaj: Just put the money and the giant buttpants into a bag and nobody gets hurt!
Banker: We don't have any giant butt pants!
[Madonna fires warning shots rapidly]
Banker: [scared] Okay, okay! Give them the giant butt pants!
Nicki Minaj: And now, since we have yall's attention, we're gonna shriek our latest single onto yall's ear holes.
[The trio sing horribly]
[The Griffins are at Holy Christ Church and Father Bob is giving a sermon]
Father Bob: Today's sermon is about perseverance. When I ran out of Boston by the spotlight team, I could have hung up my collar.
Lois: Oh my God, again? You guys have got to put those away! You can't be on your phones in here!
Peter: Relax, Lois. It's just stupid boring church. It's not like we're gonna miss anything.
[The Jesus statue comes to life and sneaks up behind Father Bob]
Father Bob: But instead, I packed my bibles my Tootsie pops and I headed down to Quahog, with a renewed sense of spirit and a renewed reverence for, [notices Jesus] Jesus Christ!?
[Jesus turns into a demon guy and attacks everyone; The Griffins (except Lois) don't even notice, because they're on their phones]
[Ollie leaves the building]
Tom: What's going on in there, Ollie?
Ollie: HE CAME BACK!
Tom: How is he?
Ollie: MAD!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie.
[Jesus continues to attack people in the church]
Herbert: Let's get out of here, other altar boys!
[Holy Christ Church has been burned to the ground and Lois is mad at her family]
Lois: That's it! Hand over the phones!
Peter: What!? But we just got these things.
Meg: Yeah, mom. That's not fair.
Chris: Meg's right. That's not fair!
Lois: I don't want to sit here and see my family turned into brain dead robots! In fact, you know what? We're finally going to the Old Sturbridge village.
Chris: What's that?
Lois: It's a place, where you can see what life used to be like before all these screens were made. A place where people farmed their own food, made their own clothing, and read books for entertainment.
Peter: Oh, come on, Lois. You only wanna go to Old Sturbridge Village, cuz you once got hand blasted there on a field trip.
Stewie: Yes, let's just say the candles weren't the only things being hot dipped.
Chris: That place is scary. It reminds me of The Handmaid's Tale.
Meg: Yeah, please don't make us go there, mom. That place is so lame.
Lois: Sorry, gang, but we're going to Old Sturbridge Village.
[Jesus enters]
Jesus: Hey, I'm really sorry for all this. My girlfriend just broke up with me and she says she's not giving me back my dog ... and I skipped breakfast. Will you forgive me?
Chris: Are you kidding? You're Jesus. We have to forgive you.
Jesus: Oh, great. Great. Hey, while I got you guys here, would it be cool if I crashed in your garage? ... So I can figure out this situation?
Chris: And that is why you should never go to church.
[End of Act 1]
[Act 2: The Beer Bar Buddies watch TV in The Drunken Clam]
TV Announcer: We now return to Alien vs. Predator vs. The People vs. O.J. Simpson.
[On the TV, a Xenomorph is trying and failing to fit a glove]
Xenomorph: If the glove does not fit, you must lay eggs in people's stomach against their will, until they explode.
Hish-Qu-Ten: Objection, your honor.
Judge: On what grounds?
Hish-Qu-Ten: On muddy grounds, preferably in the jungle, where one could ambush a group of highly-trained green berets.
Sarah Paulson: Your honor, the predator is making a mockery of this courtroom.
[Hish-Qu-Ten decapitates Sarah Paulson]
Judge: I'm gunna call a thirty minute recess to dispose of Mrs. Clark's body.
[Cut back to scene]
Joe: Peter, you've been quiet.
Peter: Yeah, Lois is making me go on a family trip to Old Strubridge Village. I just gotta figure out how to get out of it.
Cleveland: Whenever I wanna get out of something, I just use one of my previously earned "Cleveland points". I get six a year, in lieu of birthday gifts, to use as as I see fit.
Quagmire: How about if you pretend to be sick?
Peter: You want me to lie? But isn't that a sin?
Cleveland: Peter, there is no church to return to. It was destroyed by Jesus in a ball of fire!
Joe: Yeah, why aren't we following that story?
Cleveland: Because this is a godless show.
Peter: Alright, I'll do it. I'll pretend to be sick to get out of going to Old Sturbridge Village.
[At home; Peter fakes sick and Lois believes it]
Peter: [checking his thermometer] Hmm, still 126.
Lois: Oh, I wish you were feeling well enough to come. Maybe I should stay home and take care of you.
Peter: No, go Lois. Go watch dead-eyed pale women make bread.
Lois: Okay, sweetie. I hope you get better and if you get bored, there's a fitted sheet in the dryer just waiting to be folded.
[The family leaves and Peter is left behind]
Peter: Peter, you're a genius. It's time to eat a meatball sub and watch football all day. Man, this is an even better scam than Ferris Bueller's Day On.
[Cutaway to Ferris Bueller at work]
Boss: Okay, I need you to file these and not be working with a shampoo mohawk.
Ferris Bueller: You know, life moves pretty fast. If you don't slow down, you might hit two people in Ireland with your car.
Boss: Whatever. Have you finished calculating the insurance adjustments for the Missouri policies?
Ferris Bueller: I used to be the cool kid. How did I end up here?
Boss: You killed someone.
[Back to scene; Peter goes up the stairs and drops a meatball. He tries to get it but gets his head stuck in the bannister.]
Peter: Uh-oh. I think I'm stuck.
[A meatball in a car drives up to the meatball Peter dropped]
Meatball: Hop in. We're heading to the Jersey Shore.
[The meatballs drive off]
Peter: Hah. They're meatballs.
[Lois drives the family to Sturbridge Village; She pulls over to let Chris and later Brian go to the bathroom but ignored Meg when she asks; Meg craps her pants in the car causing everyone else to barf]
[The family goes to Old Sturbride Village]
Lois: Here it is, kids. Look around you. It's like Hamilton but with white people.
Chris: That's not historically accurate.
Sturbridge Lady: Welcome to Old Sturbridge Village, everyone. Here's a fun fact. In colonial times, butter and soap were the same thing.
Chris: I get that it's a fact but how is it fun?
[Back at home, Peter is still stuck in the staircase]
Peter: Jeez, how the hell am I gunna get out of this thing? Lois isn't gunna be back for hours.
[Peter struggles and fails to get out]
Peter: It's no use. I guess I'm just stuck ... halfway down the stairs.
[The musical number, Halfway Down the Stairs starts]
Peter: [singing] Halfway down the stairs is the stair where I sit. There isn't any other stair quite like it. I'm not at the bottom. I'm not at the top. So, this is the stair, where I'll always stop. Halfway up the stairs isn't up. And isn't down. It isn't in the nursery. It isn't in the town, And all sorts of funny thoughts run 'round my head. It isn't really anywhere. It's somewhere else instead. Halfway down the stairs is the stair where I sit. There isn't any other stair quite like it. I'm not at the bottom. I'm not at the top. So, this is the stair, where I'll always stop.
[Song ends]
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