Jesus Goes Nutz
New Phone, Who Dis? is a secret, underground episode of Family Guy. It was originally aired as a fictional in-universe episode from the episode "You Can't Handle the Booth!", where it was presented in the form of an audio commentary. However, the raw episode without the commentary was released as a special feature in the Family Guy Season 17 DVD box set.


Lois gets cold feet, when the newly released I-Phone causes her family to lose touch with the world around them. Meanwhile, Quagmire becomes a woodworker to impress chicks and later give them another kind of wood work.


Peter decides to get new Crabapple phones for the entire family to Lois' displeasure. Distracted by their phones, they completely miss Jesus Christ going berserk during Sunday services. Determined to show them a life before such distractions, she insists on taking them to a colonial recreation town but Peter refuses to go by pretending to be sick and is left behind, where he manages to get his head stuck in the stair railings when he drops a meatball on his way upstairs.

When the family returns, they give him hell for his deception, but quickly manage to get their heads stuck in the railings as well. When they think they're about to be rescued by the timely arrival of a delivery man, he turns out to be a robber casing the house, and invites several other robbers along for a party. After they leave, they tried to use the voice recognition on one of the robbers' left behind phone to call for help. After a few misfires, they manage to call for a woodworker which connects them to Quagmire and the guys who have been building a chair as a hobby. Before turning them loose, the guys cut the stairs out and mount them out in the streets of the colonial recreation town for everyone to see.


Major Roles

Minor Roles


For full transcript, see: New Phone, Who Dis/Transcript

[A woman with short hair brothers Peter, while he's reading]
Peter: Sir, I am trying to read.

[Chris gets beaten up by a Russian woman, during a fight over a gold phone]
Chris: She wanted it more than me.

Quagmire: How 'bout if you pretend to be sick?
Peter: You want me to lie? But isn't that a sin?
Cleveland: Peter, there is no church to return to. It was destroyed by Jesus in a ball of fire!
Joe: Yeah, why's there no follow up on that story?
Cleveland: Because this is a godless show.

Lois: Here it is, kids. Look around you. It's the town where Klansmen used to hang people.
Chris: Well, that's not historically accurate.

[Peter gets his head stuck in the banister slats]
Peter: If only I could bend these bars, to set my head free. Hey, Bender, could you bend these bars for me?
[Camera zooms out, showing Bender, lounging on the couch and watching TV]
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.

Meg: I'm bored. We've been here for hours.
Lois: I know what do to! Let's tell a one-word story. I'll start. The.
Chris: The.
Lois: No, Chris. Don't repeat what I say. You're supposed to continue the story.
Chris: Uh, ... okay?
Lois: I said, "the" now you say a word.
Chris: A word.
Lois: No, not a word. "The (word)".
Chris: The word.
Lois: No, Chris! I started with the and you say something else! Something that follows the word and fits the sentence! It can only be one word!
Chris: Something else. Something that follows the word and fits the-
Lois: NO!
Meg: Should we just go around the other way? Maybe Chris will get it after he sees everyone else doing it.
Lois: Okay, Meg. You start. Say a word.
Meg: The.
Peter: Boy, I'm lost. This story's just gotten so confusing and I don't know what's going on anymore.
Chris: Dad's winning!

[Quagmire rocks back and forth in an unstable rocking chair and Joe's wheelchair breaks]
Cleveland: Well, that was unexpected.

Joe: Let's keep it on the banister.
Quagmire: Joe, it's called the "baluster".
Joe: I could care less.


  • This episode was originally a fictional episode that played during the audio commentary episode, "You Can't Handle the Booth!", but it was re-aired in the following season, without the commentary, making this a raw, uncut, normal version of the previously fictional episode.
    • At the beginning of the episode, The Griffin Family was shown, sitting on the couch and talking to the audience, explaining this. This happened in the place of the beginning of the old episode, where it showed the family getting together for their recording booth thing.
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