Synopsis
Brian dates a girl, who he soon learns has a month to live, and plans to make her last days on earth matter, by marrying her.
Plot
Brian gets caught by the family slipping out to the bar while hoping to score a date and they torment him over his corny old lines. He almost strikes out, but finds Jess, another woman with similar tastes and they hit it off even after she reveals that she has cancer. After they have great sex together, he agrees to help her work on her bucket list and they become closer.
Brian introduces her to the family over dinner and their humor irritates him until they leave. After going to Pizza Palace, her prognoses takes a turn for the worse and Brian asks Jess to marry him and she agrees. Quagmire puts aside their feud to throw him a bachelor party and Brian finds that as a guy seen as attractive for helping a terminally ill woman that his stock has gone up with women. Just as they complete their marriage vows, Jess' doctor arrives and reveals that her cancer is cured. Jess celebrates by eating lots of food and gaining weight now that she can finally keep it down. She also develops severe flatulence from her digestive system working again.
With his dreams of a short-lived commitment spiraling down the drain, Brian and Jess move back into his old apartment with her Christian mother and her cats. Jess continues to gorge herself to make up for all the food she couldn't eat before until she ends up choking and collapsing. But just as Brian thinks he's finally free of her during her funeral, she recovers which her mother proclaims as a miracle and leaves Brian in tears.
Characters
Major Roles
Minor Roles
- Peter Griffin
- Lois Griffin
- Chris Griffin
- Meg Griffin
- Glenn Quagmire
- Bruce
- Tom Tucker
- Lou Spinazola
- Fjurg Van Der Ploeg
- Dr. Gravitas
- Dennis Franz
- Kanye West
- Kate (Cameo)
- Cleveland Brown (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Donna Tubbs-Brown (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Joe Swanson (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Bonnie Swanson (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Carl (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Dylan Flannigan (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Jillian Russel-Wilcox (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Jasper (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Ricardo (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Jeffrey (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Willy Wonka (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Charlie Bucket (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Derek Wilcox (Tombstone)
- Giant Chicken (Restaurant Statue)
- Rita Silver (Mentioned)
- Dr. Hartman (Mentioned)
- ISIS (Mentioned)
- Carolyn (Indirectly Mentioned)
Quotes
- Stewie: You're a selfish horn dog, who's getting to old for the game.
- Brian: I beg to differ. I think I've got the lingo of today's lady down pat.
- [Brian is at the bar, hitting on a girl]
- Brian: Hey, might I Pintrest you in a Drink.0?
- [Brian chats with Jess]
- Jess: Tell me about it. He called me a dick earlier. [slides one of her cups to Brian] I'm Jess.
- Brian: Thanks! I'm Brian. Well Jess, bottoms up!
- Jess: If you're lucky.
- Brian: So this place... ah, worse than Syria, don't you think?
- Jess: Yes! Everything about it is awful: the people, the music... [says it with Brian] if you can call it music.
- Brian: Oh my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time!
- Jess: [giggles] I like you, Brian! You actually say what's on your mind.
- Brian: Hey, life's too short, right?
- [Brian and Jess finish having sex]
- Brian: Sorry I barked when you took your pants off. I thought it was a squirrel.
- Lois: Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you? I prefer the limbs.
- Chris: I got a limb fo' ma.
- Peter: I love every Tom Hanks movie, except for Terminal. You know, there's nothing worse, than when you're flipping channels and you're like. Oh, God it's Terminal! Don't say it's terminal! God, what have I done to deserve this? Why does it have to be Terminal?
- Chris: Sir, I will tell you a great Tom Hanks movie. Catch Me If You Can, sir.
- Peter: The business died and I lost $200,000, Brian. Wanna know why? "555" means it is not an actual phone number.
- Quagmire: Hey, pal. Listen, I...I know we've had our differences, but...you're a good guy.
- Brian: Thank you, Quagmire.
- Quagmire: Listen, I wanna throw you the wildest bachelor party of all time. It's gonna be crazier than whatever Kanye West is doing at this particular moment.
- [Cutaway to Kanye West rubbing his hands all over a tray of lasagna]
- Kanye West: I'm giving this lasagna a massage, while preparing to announce I'm joining ISIS! Thank you for your interest!
- Brian: I haven't gotten this kind of attention, since I went to see The Peanuts Movie.
- [Cutaway to Brian leaving the movie theater and people start to notice him]
- Guy #1: Look!
- Guy #2: There he is!
- Guy #3: That's him! That's the guy who peed in his empty soda cup!
- Helen: You have a blessed day.
- Brian: [laughs] Oh, no.
- [Bruce is a judge, marrying Brian and Jess]
- Bruce: [sighs] Yet another wedding I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.
- [Jeffrey sits awkwardly in the audience]
- Bruce: We's just waiting for his mama to die.
- Jess: I vow to honor you, and cherish you until the day I die ... a week from Wednesday.
- Bruce: By the power bottom vested in me...
Trivia
- This episode starts off the story arc of the marriage Brian and Jess.
- Brian's mentioning that he thought he smelled cancer is in reference to an established fact that dogs can indeed smell cancer.
- Jess' bucket lists consists of:
Roof of a Pizza HutBathroom of a Pizza HutIn Pizza Hut delivery car- Domino's
HelicopterIn an elevator- Stagecoach
In arcade section of Pizza Hut- Back of moving pickup truck
- McDonald's PlayPlace
- Hardware store - toilet aisle
- In a car parked at industrial park
- At Moe's Tavern
- With Tom Brady
- Inside a car on a truck that hauls cars
On a boatWhile doing my job as a school photographerBungee JumpingOn the grave of an enemyOn the grave of my partner's enemy- While holding an Emmy
- Aboard The Orville
- Costco cart return area
- Inside MRI machine (turned off?)
- Through the "100" hole in skeeball machine
- Threesome with a tree like in Avatar
- Quahog Opera House (box)
Gas station bathroomWith an Asian man watching from the corner as he smokes cigarettes and strokes a gunRoller coaster
- Whenever a situation is too serious for Dr. Hartman to give the news, the job of giving the news is given to Dr. Gravitas. "Gravitas" means for something to be done in a serious and formal manner.
Cultural References
- The title is a pun on the TV show, "Married ... With Children".
- Peter mention baseball Hall-of-Fame member George Brett when pitching his 'Suit-Chute,' in reference to the player's stories of having oddly timed bowl movements.
- When Jess says "Forever and ever and ever," she references a line said by the Grady twins in The Shining.
- "Safari Song" by Greta Van Fleet plays during the bucket list montage.
Continuity
- Peter tells Brian that he agrees with the end of Quagmire's rant, where he called him a bore, from "Jerome is the New Black".
- Brian runs into Kate from "The Blind Side" at the bar, and she rants about what a liar he is.
- Brian and Jess complain about how dying network television won't let them talk about one of their sexual acts. Jess rolls her eyes and quotes "Yeah, they'll clean up all your talking in a manner such as this". This is the opening lyric of the song "The Fellas at the Freakin' FCC" from "PTV".
- Brian and Jess have sex on the grave of Derek Wilcox, the following boyfriend of Brian's ex-girlfriend, Jillian. Brian became jealous of Derek for dating his ex in "We Love You, Conrad!" and Derek died in "And Then There Were Fewer".
- Stewie compares Jess to Brian's old girlfriend, Rita Silver from "Brian's Got a Brand New Bag".
- Brian and Jess go on a date at an Ernie the Giant Chicken-themed restaurant called "Giant Chicken's House of Munch", which seems to have been built off of the foundation of Big Pete's House of Munch, after it closed down in "No Meals on Wheels".
- Brian inquires from Dr. Gravitas, if Dr. Hartman's reasons for absence, are on account of another prostate exam. This was a callback to "Stewie Loves Lois", when Dr. Hartman got fired, when Peter claimed that he raped him, when giving him a prostate exam.
- Quagmire takes Brian to a Canadian strip club for his bachelor party. Quagmire previously raved about the glory of Canadian strip clubs in "Bigfat", and even had an entire musical number about it.
- Fjurg tells Brian and Jess to stay out of his bathroom. This was because, he still remembers when Cleveland and Carolyn had sex in his bathroom in "Love, Blactually".
- When Brian tells Helen he's an Atheist, he brings up the incident from "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven".
- At the wedding, Chris and Peter hold hands. This is a callback to "Fresh Heir", when the two got married.
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