Married With Cancer
Married ... With Cancer is the first episode of Season 17 of Family Guy. It is the four hundred and first episode, overall.


Brian dates a girl, who he soon learns has a month to live, and plans to make her last days on earth matter, by marrying her.


Brian gets caught by the family slipping out to the bar while hoping to score a date and they torment him over his corny old lines. He almost strikes out, but finds Jess, another woman with similar tastes and they hit it off even after she reveals that she has cancer. After they have great sex together, he agrees to help her work on her bucket list and they become closer.

Brian introduces her to the family over dinner and their humor irritates him until they leave. After going to Pizza Palace, her prognoses takes a turn for the worse and Brian asks Jess to marry him and she agrees. Quagmire puts aside their feud to throw him a bachelor party and Brian finds that as a guy seen as attractive for helping a terminally ill woman that his stock has gone up with women. Just as they complete their marriage vows, Jess' doctor arrives and reveals that her cancer is cured. Jess celebrates by eating lots of food and gaining weight now that she can finally keep it down. She also develops severe flatulence from her digestive system working again.

With his dreams of a short-lived commitment spiraling down the drain, Brian and Jess move back into his old apartment with her Christian mother and her cats. Jess continues to gorge herself to make up for all the food she couldn't eat before until she ends up choking and collapsing. But just as Brian thinks he's finally free of her during her funeral, she recovers which her mother proclaims as a miracle and leaves Brian in tears.


Major Roles

Minor Roles


Stewie: You're a selfish horn dog, who's getting to old for the game.
Brian: I beg to differ. I think I've got the lingo of today's lady down pat.
[Brian is at the bar, hitting on a girl]
Brian: Hey, might I Pintrest you in a Drink.0?

[Brian chats with Jess]
Jess: Tell me about it. He called me a dick earlier. [slides one of her cups to Brian] I'm Jess.
Brian: Thanks! I'm Brian. Well Jess, bottoms up!
Jess: If you're lucky.
Brian: So this place... ah, worse than Syria, don't you think?
Jess: Yes! Everything about it is awful: the people, the music... [says it with Brian] if you can call it music.
Brian: Oh my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time!
Jess: [giggles] I like you, Brian! You actually say what's on your mind.
Brian: Hey, life's too short, right?

[Brian and Jess finish having sex]
Brian: Sorry I barked when you took your pants off. I thought it was a squirrel.

Lois: Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you? I prefer the limbs.
Chris: I got a limb fo' ma.

Peter: I love every Tom Hanks movie, except for Terminal. You know, there's nothing worse, than when you're flipping channels and you're like. Oh, God it's Terminal! Don't say it's terminal! God, what have I done to deserve this? Why does it have to be Terminal?

Chris: Sir, I will tell you a great Tom Hanks movie. Catch Me If You Can, sir.

Peter: The business died and I lost $200,000, Brian. Wanna know why? "555" means it is not an actual phone number.

Quagmire: Hey, pal. Listen, I...I know we've had our differences,'re a good guy.
Brian: Thank you, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Listen, I wanna throw you the wildest bachelor party of all time. It's gonna be crazier than whatever Kanye West is doing at this particular moment.
[Cutaway to Kanye West rubbing his hands all over a tray of lasagna]
Kanye West: I'm giving this lasagna a massage, while preparing to announce I'm joining ISIS! Thank you for your interest!

Brian: I haven't gotten this kind of attention, since I went to see The Peanuts Movie.
[Cutaway to Brian leaving the movie theater and people start to notice him]
Guy #1: Look!
Guy #2: There he is!
Guy #3: That's him! That's the guy who peed in his empty soda cup!

Helen: You have a blessed day.
Brian: [laughs] Oh, no.

[Bruce is a judge, marrying Brian and Jess]
Bruce: [sighs] Yet another wedding I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.
[Jeffrey sits awkwardly in the audience]
Bruce: We's just waiting for his mama to die.

Jess: I vow to honor you, and cherish you until the day I die ... a week from Wednesday.

Bruce: By the power bottom vested in me...


  • This episode starts off the story arc of the marriage Brian and Jess.
  • Brian's mentioning that he thought he smelled cancer is in reference to an established fact that dogs can indeed smell cancer.
  • Jess' bucket lists consists of:
    • Roof of a Pizza Hut
    • Bathroom of a Pizza Hut
    • In Pizza Hut delivery car
    • Domino's
    • Helicopter
    • In an elevator
    • Stagecoach
    • In arcade section of Pizza Hut
    • Back of moving pickup truck
    • McDonald's PlayPlace
    • Hardware store - toilet aisle
    • In a car parked at industrial park
    • At Moe's Tavern
    • With Tom Brady
    • Inside a car on a truck that hauls cars
    • On a boat
    • While doing my job as a school photographer
    • Bungee Jumping
    • On the grave of an enemy
    • On the grave of my partner's enemy
    • While holding an Emmy
    • Aboard The Orville
    • Costco cart return area
    • Inside MRI machine (turned off?)
    • Through the "100" hole in skeeball machine
    • Threesome with a tree like in Avatar
    • Quahog Opera House (box)
    • Gas station bathroom
    • With an Asian man watching from the corner as he smokes cigarettes and strokes a gun
    • Roller coaster
  • Whenever a situation is too serious for Dr. Hartman to give the news, the job of giving the news is given to Dr. Gravitas. "Gravitas" means for something to be done in a serious and formal manner.

Cultural References

  • The title is a pun on the TV show, "Married ... With Children".
  • Peter mention baseball Hall-of-Fame member George Brett when pitching his 'Suit-Chute,' in reference to the player's stories of having oddly timed bowl movements.
  • When Jess says "Forever and ever and ever," she references a line said by the Grady twins in The Shining.
  • "Safari Song" by Greta Van Fleet plays during the bucket list montage.


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