Joe Swanson

Joseph Glittersparkle Swanson

Joe Swanson
Name	Joseph Glittersparkle Swanson
Age	56
Job(s)	Police Officer
Relatives	Bud Swanson (father) Joe's Mom (mother; deceased) Lisa Swanson (sister) Janine Bananas (adoptive sister) Denise Robertson (sister-in-law) Wendell Robertson (brother-in-law) Bonnie Swanson (wife) Barnaby Bananas (adoptive nephew) Kevin Swanson (son) Susie Swanson (youngest daughter) unnamed oldest daughter
Voice	Patrick Warburton

"LET'S DO IT!"

— Joe's catchphrase

Joseph "Joe" Glittersparkle Swanson (born April 27, 1968) is one of the main characters of Family Guy. He is a police officer, who works at the Quahog Police Station. He is the husband of Bonnie and the father of Kevin and later, Susie Swanson. He first debuted in "A Hero Sits Next Door", when he moved into the house next door to The Griffins on Spooner Street. He is voiced by Patrick Warburton.

Biography[]

Early Childhood[]

Joe was born to Bud Swanson and Joe's Mom. While not much is known about his childhood, or his birth, a detail that is known was revealed in "Bird Reich". It was that when he was in high school, he went on an exchange trip in Germany, but his parents did not pay for his return ticket. Which lead to him being able to understand German, a detail that was actually foreshadowed in "Swindler's List", when he talked to Henry Hindenburg in German when Henry switched his language to not get caught and talk about his plans, but Joe told him in German he heard all of it.

Becoming a Cop and Meeting Bonnie[]

Around sometime in his life, he decided to become a cop. Why, who knows (diffently not the showrunners)? During on of his missions, as seen in "Internal Affairs", Joe first met and fell in love with Bonnie when he was at work and a bunch of cops came in to arrest a bunch of strippers for possession of illegal drugs. When Joe and Bonnie locked eyes they fell in love and became boyfriend and girlfriend. Joe watched Bonnie dance and later joined her on stage for a sexual extravaganza. At the time of the duo first meeting each other, "Africa" by the band Toto was playing and has then since become "their song".

Bonnie admired Joe's athletic abilities and grizzled-cop attitude and this is what made her finally see him as "the one". After a few good years of dating, they officially got married and spent many wonderful years together as husband and wife. They had their first kid after about 5 years or so of being married and named him Kevin. A mere 16 years later, they decided to have another child, which they named Susie.

Paralyzation[]

Joe received his paralyzing injury on Christmas of 1998. He was investigating a robbery at an orphanage in "A Hero Sits Next Door", and during a faceoff with the perpetrator, The Grinch, he slid off the roof after tripping on a roller skate, injuring his spine and leaving him paralyzed from the waist down. He later revealed that he really was shot by Bobby Briggs when undercover at his heroin lab when he found out he was a cop in "Joe's Revenge". He would admit in the same episode that his previous story was a lie. Though regardless of both stories, Susie was able to be spared from the paralyzation due to being fertizied before Joe got crippled. He regained movement of his legs for a brief time in "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas", but his son Kevin accidentally ran into him, re-paralyzing him. In "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air", he got surgery to walk again and starts to hang with new friends. However, while mountain climbing, he loses his grip and falls, paralyzing himself again. However, his handicap doesn't prevent him from serving on the police force or choreographing local musicals.

Moving Into Quahog[]

In 1999, a year after his crippling before the birth of Susie, Joe and his family moved into the house next to the Griffin's house on Spooner Street in Quahog, Rhode Island. There, Joe met Peter when his job, the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory, needed a final member for their company baseball team after Peter injured Gulliermo with a wild pitch during softball practice. Peter knew that Joe had won many awards for playing baseball in the past; he did not know that Joe was paralyzed below the waist. However, as he does most of the time, Joe proved that this wasn't enough to stop him and he led the team to victory.

In Season 2's "Neighbor Pains", Joe officially became the new fourth member of the Beer Bar Buddies. after winning the role to Mort.

The Black Revolution of Quahog(2021)[]

After Cleveland Brown renamed himself Cleveland X and became a black nationalist revolutionary with staunchly anti-police & and anti-white beliefs, he and his fellow black pumas attacked the police station. In the resulting shootout, Joe Swanson went into the SWAT Armory and found prosthetic legs, making him able to walk again. This healing of his disability was short lived however as Joe Swanson was killed in the shootout as Cleveland threw a molotov at him, burning him alive alongside the rest of Quahog's police station.

Personality[]

Joe Swanson is a tough, grizzled cop, who's seen it all and doesn't take any from anybody. He used to be full of energy and ready to kick some butt, whenever he got the chance. He was tough and fierce and he always blasted off like a rocket, killing people and punching their lights out. Unfortunately for him, he was crippled, during one of his badass crime-stopping battles and now he can't move as much as he used to. This experience changed him, but only in a physical sense. Joe made sure he did not let his handicap slow him down. He may be bound to his wheelchair, but he is still full of the same determination and audacity as he's always been. He's always screaming at the top of his lungs, threatening to kill people, blowing stuff up for no reason, and having sex with his wife, all without the use of his legs. Joe is perfectly satisfied with this, unlike his wife.

In later seasons of the show, it became more and more common for Joe's friends to make fun of him for being crippled. Overtime, this gradually led to him becoming less and less confident with himself, to the point where he sort of became the Meg of The Beer Bar Buddies. Joe became sort of downtrodden and depressed. He was a lot more quiet and prone to wallowing in his sadness. When people abused him, he'd more often than not, sit on his ass and take it, rather than fight back. This wasn't just reserved for his friends, as his wife, Bonnie also started to respect him even less. Although Bonnie was a devoted wife at first and didn't let Joe's handicap ruin their marriage, later seasons showed her openly admitting her displeasure with Joe, cheating on Joe, and even making numerous murder attempts on Joe. All of this slight, Joe was completely oblivious to.

As an enforcer of the law, Joe is sort of the voice of reason to the group. He makes sure none of the beer bar buddies do anything illegal. This is why he is excluded from most of their activities. He is seen as a complete downer. In later seasons, however, Joe stopped having a pole up his ass and started partaking in fun, illegal activities with the guys, which may have gotten him less respect at work, but it did earn him more respect from his friends, even if that respect was overshadowed by their aforementioned constant barrage of ableism.

Joe has severe anger issues which often manifest in explosively violent outbursts at random times throughout the show. An example of this is beating his son Kevin in a blind rage to the point Kevin had to live with a foster family for a few weeks in "And the Wiener Is ...", and shooting the left overs of his 16oz steak then turning the gun on his friends after being mocked for not being able to finish it in "The Fat Guy Strangler".

Joe is arguably the best hand to hand fighter in the entire show. Despite his condition, it has been seen on numerous occasions that he is able to completely overwhelm other characters who are accomplished fighters in their own right such as Lois Griffin - who became a Black Belt in Tae-Jitsu in "Lethal Weapons" - and Peter - who while looking like he can't known for long violent battles with Ernie the Giant Chicken. Joe has also shown the ability to easily take on multiple enemies at once such as his encounter a large number of armed midgets in "The Thin White Line" and Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland in "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air". In "Da Boom" it is shown that despite the lower part of his body being melted into his driveway, Joe is perfectly able to fight and defeat a giant mutated rat. However, Joe is not unbeatable. While controlling the Crippletron in "No Meals on Wheels", he was taken down by Stewie Griffin at least in part due to his small size and agility. In "Joe's Revenge, he lost the upper hand in a fight to Bobby Briggs, and only managed to recover through quick thinking on his part.

Relationships[]

Family[]

Friends[]

Others[]

Officer Killroy -

Quotes[]

"Let's do it!"

"Bring it on!"

"Bring on the pain!"

"This is stupid, I WANNA TALK ABOUT VAGINAS!"

"Rock 'n' Roll!

"GET SOME! GET SOME!"

"THE SEXUAL THRILL!"

"You're getting SLACKS!"

“Sarah Are you alright!"

”YES SHE DID PETER! I JUST SAW IT!”

"Oh my god, Quagmire lost his penis!"

"I would like to have the large black cock with peas on the side"

"SPAGHETTI NOODLE AND SKADDODLE"

"SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS"

Trivia[]

In "A Hero Sits Next Door", it was revealed that the reason he was crippled was because he fell off an orphanage building in a fight with The Grinch.
- However, in "Joe's Revenge", this was retconned, when Joe told a different story. It turns out, Bobby Briggs, the only criminal who's ever "gotten away" from Joe, shot him in the spine, paralyzing him. To this day, he still vows to find that guy and put him to his long-time-coming justice.
Originally, the friend circle was just Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland. Joe didn't join the circle until somewhere in the second season, having needed to get on the guys' good side first.
Joe refers to himself as "Police Lieutenant" in his debut episode. This implies he holds a decent amount of authority within the Quahog Police Department. However, it is unknown if he retains this rank or not, as he is later seen reporting to Lieutenant Nibbles.
Under his clothes, Joe wears a colostomy bag, or as he and Bonnie call it, a "poop sack" at all times. Whenever it gets full, Bonnie has to change it, like she's changing a baby's diaper.
- This was referenced in many episodes. In "Brian the Bachelor", Joe yelled "Doodie!" and Bonnie called out to him "Hold on, Joe, I'm doing the dishes. I'll change you in a minute". In "Back to the Woods", Peter told James Woods to take off all his clothes and awaited for his removal of the poop sack. To his surprise, James Woods didn't wear poop sacks and he yelled to Bonnie "Dammit, Bonnie! You lied about the poop sack!", implying that Bonnie had told Joe he's normal and everyone wears poop sacks. In "Dial Meg for Murder", he attacked the runaway convict, Lucas and then laughed at him because he apparently shit his pants in fear, Lucas assured him he didn't and Joe came to the realization that the shitty sensation was just his own poop sack leaking on him.
Joe has received many phone calls from Peter insulting him about his disability, though he cannot figure out who it is, no matter how unwittingly obvious Peter makes it.
"Love Your Trophy" reveals he is the only person on Spooner Street who actually pays for his family's cable and Wi-Fi. Every other house on Spooner Street steals their connection from him.
In "Peter's Progress", Joe is said to have been an octopus in a past life, and the octopus had its legs eaten off by a shark. Fortunately for the Octopus-Joe, the severed legs of an octopus can grow back, another reference to his legs.
The only immediate Griffins Joe has not arrested yet are Brian, Stewie and Chris. In "Lois Kills Stewie", he pursues Stewie for attempted murder, however this too was only a simulation. He has in fact arrested Meg twice, in "Untitled Griffin Family History" and "Dial Meg for Murder". In "Burning Down the Bayit" he arrests Peter on charges of arson and arrested Lois for shoplifting in "Breaking Out is Hard to Do". Brian has been arrested for pot possession in "420", and although Joe was not the arresting officer, he did have to submit Brian to a random urine test.
In each part of Laugh It Up Fuzzball: The Family Guy Trilogy, he plays a different character. In Blue Harvest, he played Biggs Darklighter, a member of the Rebel Alliance. In Something, Something, Something, Dark Side, he played an Imperial Probe Droid. In It's A Trap!, he played Jabba the Hutt, as they share immobility without aid from other sources.
When Peter shoots out Joe's eye in "Powerball Fever", Joe later replaces it with a glass eye. Which he comments on again in "Road House"
To escape Peter and Evelyn at the Drunken Clam in "Mom's the Word", Joe announces that he was saving the very last time he could walk for Susie's wedding day but uses it to leave them instead.
Joe hates rats, as seen in "Da Boom".