Heart Burn is an episode of Family Guy.
On Peter and Lois' anniversary, The Griffins tell three well-known love stories with Peter and Lois, playing the roles of the main characters.
While picking up some items for their anniversary at an adult bookstore, Peter recounts three well-known love stories. After their credit card is declined at the adult store, Peter and Lois steal what they can and make a run for it. Taking a moment during their romantic preparations, Peter recounts Romeo and Juliet. After setting a fire at a Eyes Wide Shut party when Peter farts on the candles, they move along to Fatal Attraction. Chris provides the wrap up by performing a scene from his favorite love story, American Pie, although he has to use a chicken pot pie because the store was out of apple, and badly burns himself in the process.
The Loves of Paris & Helen
After the end of the Greek-Trojan War which started when Troy's chocolate mixed with Greece's peanut butter, the Trojan set sail for home, but their leader Paris has taken the Greek Queen Helen of Troy, setting off a whole new conflict. King Menelaus, along with his two best soldiers Achilles and ACL, pursue them to their fortress. There, he plans to enter by making a wooden horse as a gift, until Achilles points out a beaded curtain. Bursting in, they find a note that Paris and Helen have gone off to the Greek isles to get married with Achilles in dismay that her three fathers will be there. However, Paris is disappointed that Disney won't allow any of their Hercules characters to appear despite their ownership of Family Guy.
Romeo & Juliet
At a party held by her father who wishes her to marry a nobleman from the Boyardee family, Juliet meets Romeo, who is from a family they despise. Despite a spark between the two, her cousin Tybalt finds out and challenges him to a duel, but they are kicked out by Capulet. Outside, Romeo climbs up to Juliet's bedchamber and confesses his love, proposes to her, and she accepts. However, Tybalt finds Romeo with his friends in a tavern and slays Romeo's friend, Mercutio. Enraged, Romeo takes the sword and kills Tybalt in return, forcong Romeo to flee for his life. Juliet goes to Father Lawrence and secures a potion to fake her death so she can escape and be with Romeo, but when he returns and finds her as still as death, he poisons himself. When she awakens, she finds him truly dead so she stabs herself in the chest to die alongside of him.
After meeting in a bar, Dan and Alex have hot sex but he then returns to his family. However, Alex refuses to let him go and starts stalking him. After killing the family pet, Dan confesses to his wife Beth about the affair. When Beth takes a bath, Alex confronts her in an attempt to murder her. Dan intervenes and believes he drowns her, but when they turn their backs, she pops up again, only to be shot by their son.
- Peter Griffin
- Lois Griffin
- Chris Griffin
- Meg Griffin
- Stewie Griffin
- Brian Griffin
- Glenn Quagmire
- Cleveland Brown
- Joe Swanson
- Carter Pewterschmidt
- Kimi Quagmire
- Tom Tucker
- Joyce Kinney
- Elmer Hartman
- Steve Harvey
- Mort Goldman (Cameo)
- Babs Pewterschmidt (Cameo)
- Carol West (Cameo)
- Principal Shepherd (Cameo)
- Batman (Cameo)
- Elmer Fudd (Cameo)
- Donna Tubbs-Brown (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Cleveland Brown Jr. (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Roberta Tubbs (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Rallo Tubbs (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Rock Hudson (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Bonnie Swanson (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Opie (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Seamus Levine (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Herbert the Pervert (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Neil Goldman (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Ollie Williams (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Tricia Takanawa (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Jerome Cool J (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Bert (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Sheila (Non-Speaking Cameo)
- Molly (Pictured)
- [Peter and Lois shop at an adult bookstore]
- Peter: Lois and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I'm not sure that 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook.
- [Peter gets a notification]
- Peter: Ew, Meg. Don't "like" that!
- Quagmire: Man, I'm happy the war is over. I can't wait to get back to Troy.
- Cleveland: Yeah, I'm just gonna plop down with my kids and watch Troy Story.
- [Cutaway to Cleveland watching a Troy Story stage performance with Roberta, Junior, and Rallo]
- Actor: To the other side of that hill and beyond!
- Cleveland: [to Junior] That's as far as we know about right now.
- Peter: Now, if you'll excuse me, Helen's in my cabin and I thought I'd give heterosexual sex a try.
- Quagmire: Helen! What the Hades?
- Peter: What? She's hot. But not as hot as Medusa. One look at Medusa and I'm rock hard.
- Tom: Coming up, Greek food voted burpiest in the world.
- Joyce: But first, in tragedy news, your queen, Helen, has run off with Paris, back to Troy.
- Peter: Now that we're owned by Disney, we can have Hercules here ... No? They-They won't let us use him? ... What was the point of this whole merger? ... Well, who can we use? ... Launchpad McQuack? No. No. No, you know what? I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted with being told "no" and now I'm married. [groan] I'm gonna go break wieners off statues.
- Cleveland: Are we even supposed to be at this party? If they find out we're Montagues, they might razz us!
- Peter: Relax, no one's gonna recognize us. We got inch-wide masks over just our eyes with the rest of our faces plainly visible.
- Carter: Juliet, honey, we need to talk. You're a grown woman now and it's time for you to get married.
- Lois: Grown woman? Daddy, I'm 13!
- Carter: Shh! Don't say that! Tell people you're 9! You wanna get married or not?
- Stewie: Aw, man I-I must have amnesia or something cuz I don't fucking remember inviting you guys.
- Peter: I'm ... Abe Froman. The sausage king of Chicago.
- Steve Harvey: 100 people surveyed, top 5 answers on the board. Name something you might say to a damned Spot.
- Stewie: Out.
- [Stewie's family cheers for him]
- Steve Harvey: Show me "Out".
- ["Out" only gets him 8 points]
- Stewie: What!? That's impossible!
- Steve Harvey: Romeo, name something you might say to a damned Spot.
- Peter: Hello.
- ["Hello" gets him 86 points]
- Stewie: What!?
- Lois: "Wherefore" means "Why", by the way. Not "Where".
- Peter: So, what that means is you're asking me "Why am I Romeo?" Ho-How am I supposed to answer that?
- Lois: Just tell me, Wherefore art thou Romeo!?
- Peter: What!? I'm ... I was born in my own body and named "Romeo"? What the hell are you talking about?
- Lois: No! I was just saying-
- Peter: Shh. Shh. Shh. That's stupid. You're stupid.
- [The police come to a building, where Joe and Stewie were killed and Cleveland is the only one alive]
- Cleveland: Well, we all know how this goes.
- [Cleveland gets down on the ground and puts his hands behind his head and the sirens blare at him]
- Cleveland: I'm doing it!
- Lois: Since I'm picking up a prescription, can I uh, pay for the rest of my items here.
- Quagmire: ... I ... I-I guess.
- Principal Shepherd: [sigh]
- [A building is on fire]
- Peter: I accidentally farted on a candle at our eyes wide shut party and this happened.
- Kimi: I'm not gunna be ignored by you, Dan!
- Peter: Would you like to dance in silence because they always add the music in post?
- Lois: I love our life.
- Peter: Yeah, it's hard not to root for a rich white lawyer in the Connecticut suburbs.
- Brian: So, what's up doc? Do anything of interest today?
- Peter: Uh, ... No just typical lawyer stuff. What about you, Whitey?
- Brian: Well, I was burrowing my way over to the drugstore to buy some scratch-offs, but I must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque because I accidentally found my way into "The Hood", and given my name, ... they were not too happy about me being there.
- Meg: I'm sorry about that, Whitey. But hey, at least you didn't have it as bad as our last pet. Our black duck, Molly flew south for the winter and, well, ... that was pretty much the end of her story.
- Brian: Well, I sure am glad I'm not gunna die a horrible death later on in this story, somewhere around the third-act climax of the movie.
- Meg: Dad, the not-cellphone's ringing.
- Peter: Let's let the new answering machine get it.
- Kimi: Hi, Dan. It's Alex Forrest. I just found out I'm preg ... Now, I'm giving you a minute to pick up the phone, hastily.
- Peter: I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
- [Batman sees the bat signal flickering in the sky]
- Batman: [angry] I SEE IT! GOD!
- Kimi: I'm pregnant.
- Peter: Are you sure it's yours?
- Peter: They won't outlaw abortion until 2019.
- Quagmire: If I were you, Dan, I'd just go home and enjoy your family and rabbit. Most of these things just boil over.
- [Meg walks in to see that Brian has been boiled to death]
- Meg: [sad] Aw, I was gunna kill the rabbit.
- [Elmer Fudd enters]
- Elmer Fudd: Yeah, me too.
- Peter: Alright, listen, Beth. I got something to tell you, in front of our kid. I had an affair.
- Lois: You WHAT!?
- Peter: I know. It was awesome at the time and frankly, I was real close to getting away with it but now that there are actual consequences, I gotta tell you the truth.
- Lois: Dan, how could you!?
- Peter: Look, it's not my fault. My plan was to just hide this from you forever. Also, she's pregnant.
- Lois: How is that possible?
- Peter: Well, when a man and a woman like each other just a little and they get in an elevator.
- Lois: Oh, God! How could I be so blind?
- Peter: I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, honey but I will say, at least she had a pot of something on the stove, when I came home.
- Peter: Ah, I love relaxing here with that dry ceiling.
- [The ceiling drips with overflowing bath water]
- Peter: Huh, I wonder if the weather called for living room rain.
- [Peter watches the weather]
- Weatherman: Next up, Connecticut, your living room forecast, dry, dry, dry.
- Peter: [gasp] That can only mean one thing!
- [The ghost of Brian Griffin appears in the living room]
- Brian: Man, who's rabbit hole to you have to burrow into to get a dry living room around here?
- Peter: You deserve to die because the choices I made are your fault!
- Peter: Alright, she's mostly choked. Let's just sit on the floor with our backs to the tub.
- Meg: It's just been revoked.
- Chris: Hi, I'm Chris Griffin. I didn't have a lot to do tonight, but they did say they'd give me one minute of the end of the show to share my favorite love story. Of course, I chose the classic romantic tale of the love between a young man and pastry, American Pie. The store was all out of apple so this one is chicken pot, fresh from the oven. Here we go. [Chris sticks his dick in the pie] OOOOOOOOW! THAT PIPING HOT GRAVY! UGH! OH AND ONE OF THE PEAS WENT INSIDE! IT'S SO BURNT, I CAN'T TELL WHAT'S CHICKEN AND WHAT'S MEAT! OH GOD, NOT GUNNA STOP, THOUGH! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD FROM YOUR TEENAGE SON, GETTING BUSY WITH A 400 DEGREE POT PIE!
- The title of this episode is a reference to the disease of the same name.
- This episode takes place on Peter and Lois' wedding anniversary.
- This Valentine's Day special, after "Valentine's Day in Quahog" and "Brian Dates a Bitch".
- Carl works at an adult bookstore.
- The three stories parodied in the episode are Romeo & Juliet, The Loves of Paris & Helen, and Fatal Attraction.
- Additionally, Chris does a brief parody on American Pie in the credits.
- Chris' Greek character is named ACL, short for anterior cruciate ligament. ACL is a painful tearing of the ligaments to the knee caused by a sudden movement. He is paired with Stewie's Achilles, a mythological Greek warrior during the Trojan war, known for his heel being his only weakness.
- Stewie's discussion of Socrates includes asking about drinking wine, keeping secrets and being his fault, hinting at molestation.
- Stewie notes that all three of Helen's fathers will be attending her wedding. According to legend, her father was Zeus who seduced her mother while in the shape of a swan, while her mother's husband was King Tyndareus of Sparta.
- Peter mentions Launchpad McQuack, a sidekick of Darkwing Duck.
- "Dancing Queen" by ABBA plays during Paris and Helen's wedding in a nod to the film Mamma Mia!.
- Peter says that the leads in Romeo and Juliet are preteens; actually, Juliet is 13 and Romeo is implied to be several years older.
- In the Romeo and Juliet segment, The Drunken Clam is parodied as Ye Soused Mackerel.
- The theme for The Facts of Life was used as dance music added in post-production in the Fatal Attraction segment.
- The Inspector Gadget theme plays as the sex scene music added in post-production.
- Although the music in the original film from the lamp scene is from Madame Butterfly, the lyrics here have been changed to being 'out of Rice Krispies'. This is repeated during the rabbit scene.
- Meg previously copied the light switch scene from Fatal Attraction in "Barely Legal".
- Although the role is given to Stewie in this episode, in the film Fatal Attraction, the Gallagher's have a daughter named Ellen, not a son.
- The first scene in Troy references the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup commercials, previously the subject of a cutaway gag in "PTV".
- Troy Story is a parody of Toy Story.
- 'Abe Froman' is the alias that Ferris Bueller uses to secure a reservation in a fancy restaurant in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
- Juliet's father, played by Carter, references Leonardo's Vitruvian Man.
- During the Family Feud gag, the Capulet's choose "Out" to go along with "Dammed spot." "Out, damned spot!" is part of a sentence from the play Macbeth by William Shakespeare, spoken by Lady Macbeth.
- Romeo's holding up the harpsichord player outside of Juliet's window is a parody of a scene from Say Anything.
- Peter says "you deserve to die because the choices I made are your fault!" This references the feminist critiques of Fatal Attraction.
- Stewie references the Lethal Weapon II one-liner "It's just been revoked!" This was previously referenced on Family Guy in "Lois Kills Stewie".
- A guy explaining Peter's joke about Medusa.
- Stewie telling Chris about how Socrates is a bad influence.
- Chris and Stewie using Pythagorean Theorem to understand how to get to Troy.
- Carter trying to set Lois up with Chef Boyardee.
- Lois telling Peter she has a lot of Jack Skellington tattoos, Peter telling Lois that he does karate outside against no one, and Lois saying that they're gunna have a good marriage.
- Joe saying Ralph Fiennes as his last words.
- Peter and Lois explaining the "adding music in post" thing, while fucking in the elevator.
- Kimi explaining to Peter another "adding music in post" joke, when listening to Opera in her room.
- Lois explaining that she's gunna was the dishes and look out the window before she actually does it.