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How the Griffin Stole Christmas

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How the Griffin Stole Christmas
Season 14, Episode 14
Santa Griffin
Air date December 20, 2015
List of Episodes
Previous
Stand Your Brown 		Next
Stewie, Chris, and Brian's Excellent Adventure

How the Griffin Stole Christmas is the 14th episode of the fourteenth season of Family Guy, and the seventh Christmas Special. It is the 336th episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

Peter is asked to fill in for the mall Santa, until he gets drunk on the power when he realizes that Santa can get away with anything. Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian crash holiday office parties for the free food, drama and women.

Plot[]

When Quahog experiences a snow day during the holiday season, Peter ruins Lois' grandmother's antique table in one of his stunts. When they go to the mall to replace it, Chris gets the idea to sit on Santa's lap and ask for a trampoline, an idea endorsed by Peter. But when the line refuses to move they find the mall is without a Santa. Pressed into service as a replacement, Peter discovers the job comes with numerous benefits. Leaving the Fuzzy Clam in a drunken stupor with dinner, he runs into the real Santa who is annoyed at his behavior and threatens him with the naughty list if he refuses to give up being Santa.

Peter calls his bluff and they engage in a war of pranks, but when the real Santa has had enough of such games, he slips his belt as a garrote around Peter's neck and gives him a final warning to give up the job. Frightened, Peter agrees, but to show there are no hard feelings, Santa gives him a Penthouse as a gift that Peter originally found when he was twelve.

Meanwhile, Stewie discovers that Brian has been crashing office Christmas parties in hopes of scoring food and women, although without luck. Stewie turns up to get a laugh at his attempts, but has a great time instead and tags along on further attempts. To liven up an otherwise dead party at a printer company, Stewie threatens the lightest drinkers with dismissal, which inspires the real boss to follow though with the threat and Stewie stays on as an employee. When he realizes that people have lost their jobs because of him, and further threats from the boss, he takes it upon himself to cut the remaining employees checks for $11,000 each, which was the extent of his ability.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

[Peter walks into the house, while the kids are watching TV]
Peter: You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.
Brian: Really?
[The kids look out the window]
Meg: Wow! It's so beautiful.
Peter: Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.
Chris: I don't think that's right.
Peter: No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.
Peter: Sledding was the second passion of the Christ.
[Cutaway to Jesus winning a sled race]
Jesus: Eat this, for this is my dust.
[Consuela snowboards down a mountain, on a broom]
Consuela: Snow ... Snow ... Snow.
[Bruce snowboards, riding on Jeffrey's back]
Bruce: Oh snow!
Jeffrey: I snow!
Bruce: Snow!
[Cleveland and his family sled down the mountain in a bathtub]
Cleveland: Snow snow snow snow SNOW SNOOOOOW!!!
[Cleveland crashes into a tree and the bathtub shatters into a million pieces]
Brian: I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.
Stewie: Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.
[Cutaway to Peter and Chris at a pool party]
Peter: Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game. Talk to someone's wife in a bikini, until they cover up uncomfortably.
[Peter talks to Bonnie and stares at her]
Peter: So, Bonnie. How are things going?
Bonnie: Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, what with Susie starting to ... [covers up]
Peter: Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.
[Quagmire comes up to him]
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?
Peter: Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show called "Shipping Wars" and it's actually kind of ... [covers up]
Quagmire: Okay, bye.
Santa Claus: Now you gonna listen? Now you gonna listen, you little bitch? Who's suit are you wearing?
Peter: Your suit.
Chris: Dad, look! Santa's here! [Gestures to a Mall Santa] I wanna sit on his lap.
Peter: Jeez, Chris, come on. You're in high school.
Chris: I'm gonna ask for a family trampoline.
Peter: Holy crap! Get your ass up there!
[Peter talks to a security guard]
Peter: Hey Muscles, what's taking so long?
Security Guard: I'm sorry, sir. This may shock you, but it turns out the seasonal Santa we hired has a drinking problem. Now, I don't know where to find a replacement on such short notice. Hey, you're a hefty guy.
Peter: [Sadly] I called you "Muscles".
Peter: I once dressed as a farmer to get a date on Farmersonly.com.
[Cutaway to Peter meeting his date]
Peter's Date: Are you Peter?
Peter: Yeah, uh, are you the gross lady that lives in the converted horse trailer?
Jingle Singers: [Singing] You don't have to be lonely at Farmersonly.com.
Peter: It doesn't say "whites only", but ... yeah.
[Peter opens a door to see a box labeled "All of Meg's farts" on his doorstep]
Peter: What the hell? Hey, Chris, get in here. This is impossible, right? All of Meg's farts, here in this box?
Chris: I would think that's impossible.
Peter: Yeah, right? That's impossible.
[The guys come over to observe the box]
Quagmire: Is this the box?
Peter: Yeah, that's it.
[Quagmire takes out his glasses and observes the box]
Quagmire: Yeah, that's impossible.
Peter: I know. It's impossible. Alright, ... okay, I'm opening the gift.
Joe: Unless, whoever sent it was magic.
[Peter has already opened the box and all the skin on his face is burned off]
Peter: Oh, well then, that's interesting.

Songs[]

  • Kars4Kids Jingle
  • Up on the Housetop

Trivia[]

  • "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms plays during Stewie's photo montage.
  • Jesus appears in two cutaway gags. First as an adult enjoying sledding as his "second passion of the Christ," then as an infant when The Little Drummer Boy becomes a fan of Neil Pert.

Cultural References[]

  • The title is a pun on the famous Christmas classic, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".
    • Additionally, the movie "How the Lynch Stole Christmas" is also a parody on that movie.
  • Peter mentions the United States of Tara, which Stewie points out is an obscure reference. United States of Tara was a show on Showtime that ran from 2009-2011.
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