Long John Peter | |
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Season 5, Episode 15 | |
Air date | December 17th, 2006 |
List of Episodes | |
Previous Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey |
Next Road to Rupert |
Long John Peter is the fifteenth episode of the fifth season of Family Guy. It is the one hundred and third episode, overall.
Synopsis[]
It's a pirates life for Peter and Francis when they discover their inner pirate. But after raising hell in Quahog and terrorizing the neighbors, it comes back to bite them in the asses when they upset a British man that kidnaps their wives as ransom
Plot[]
While at a pirate dinner show for Brian's birthday. Peter and Francis become very attached to the life of pirates. After the show, Peter buys a parrot like the main pirate had in the show to take wherever they go and Francis gets involved in looting from the retirement home. With Peter's pirate, Peter's friends compare him to a pirate and suggest he dress up like one. He does, and when meeting with Francis, the two decide to take it further by recruit Seamus and Randall to join them to begin terrorizing the town under the name "Long John Peter". Eventually, Peter and his men loot British man Shelly Boothbishop's car full of sugar cane, tobacco, and spices in a drawn-out high-speed car chase that mimics a naval battle, filled with cannonade and sword fighting on each side. Peter’s side comes out victorious, but Shelly swears revenge. And he gets this by hiring Phineas and Barnaby as goons to kidnap their wives, Lois and Thelma.
Meanwhile, Chris meets a new girl at his school named Anna and ends up falling in love with her. One day, out of advice from Lois, he tells her his feelings for her, and Anna reveals to have them for him to. With it, Chris musters up the courage to ask her on a date to the movies. But while on their date, Shelly’s goons kidnaps Anna, thinking she’s his love from her being with Chris, to use her alongside Lois and Thelma as blackmail.
Peter and Francis find out about the kidnapping of their wives through a tied-up Brian and Meg, and Chris reveals Anna's kidnapping. Feeling bad they dragged their wives and Chris into this, Peter and Francis take Chris to rescue their loves. The three make it to the pirate ship Shelly's group is deporting on and the rescue plan goes arry very badly. With Peter and Francis being fooled by robot copies and get captured themselves.
has Peter's parrot scout above. Despite a plan to ambush goes arry, they beat Shelly to pulp and is even able to get the remote to open the electric cage. But Peter being Peter lets his guard down long enough for Shelly to call for backup and overpower the distracted pirates and imprison them in the cage alongside the ones they were supposed to save ironically.
Thankfully, Chris and Adrianne, who were serving as distractions, stumbled on the room hosting the real Lois, Thelma and Anna and freed them alongside saving the two "rescuers". When it seems the group is cornered with nowhere to go, Seamus, Randall and Mayor West, who came secretly from boat, come to distract the crew and give the others ample time to escape...which Peter wastes for getting loot from Shelly, making Shelly engage in a sword battle with Peter, that ends with Peter accidentally stabbing Shelly and making him fall into the ocean, "killing" him.
Shelly's crew, in honor his passing, chase after the others, and thankfully don't reach them as they're met with a crashed ship thanks to Randall sabotaging the ship. After the group returns to shore, Chris tries to break up to Anna, thinking she'll be upset of the fact she got kidnapped. But to his surprise, she was more amazed that his family was this out-there. Anna forgives Chris and the two go back to movies to redo their date, while Peter, Francis, Randall and Seamus get charged for all their crimes they did to Quahog by Mayor West, making the latter two quit when Peter suggests more. And then Peter and Francis got chased by an angry Lois and Thelma for getting them kidnapped and refusing to take off their pirate costumes. In the end, Peter and Francis retire from the pirate life for good and all the events of the episode turn out to have been a story told Peter and Francis 30 years in the future in a retirement home.
Characters[]
Major Roles[]
- Peter Griffin
- Lois Griffin
- Francis Griffin
- Thelma Griffin
- Chris Griffin
- Anna
- Adrianne Beaky
- Seamus Levine
- Randall Fargus
- Shelly Boothbishop
- Phineas and Barnaby
Minor Roles[]
- Meg Griffin
- Stewie Griffin
- Brian Griffin
- Anthony Fargus
- Mayor Adam West
- Glenn Quagmire
- Cleveland Brown
- Joe Swanson
- Bonnie Swanson
- Angela Everwood
- Mort Goldman
- Herbert the Pervert
- Carl
- James William Bottomtooth III
- Fouad
- Finger Monkey
- Screaming Black Dolphins
- RJ
- O.J. Simpson
- Paulina (Non-Speaking)
- Eliza Fargus (Voice Only)
- Josiah Griffin (Mentioned)
Quotes[]
- To view the full script in PDF, press the thumbnail.
- Thelma: Francis, come on. We're going out.
- Francis: Going out? I never heard of us going out tonight. What are you up to?
- Thelma: Don't worry, Francis. It's gonna be fun. We're going to a dinner show.
- Francis: Dinner show?
- Thelma: They'll serve us food while they put us a show.
- Francis: Hey, that sound quite fun.
- Thelma: And we're going with Petey's family.
- Francis: DAMN IT!!!
- [As the family waits for Francis and Thelma, they peacefully listen to "Sweet Caroline"]
- Lois: (as the chorus come) Ah, here it comes, Peter!
- Peter: All together now, family!
- [Francis and Thelma, the former coming into the front and the latter coming into the passenger's row, enter into the car and Francis shuts off the radio, disappointing the whole family]
- Meg: Awww!
- Chris: Grandpa!
- Peter: We were having a nice moment!
- Francis: I hate that damn song. And I hate you having fun.
- Stewie: [after a moment] Nothing worse than a case of Neil Diamond blueballs, am I right?
- Francis: Ugh, I can't believe we're going to a pirate dinner show just for a dog birthday.
- Peter: OK Dad, we’ve been over this. don't call Brian a dog. He's a member of the family, and I want him to be treated as one for all occasions. Including birthdays.
- Francis: (sighs) Fine. But I don’t know why I’m being dragged here. Who was the dumbass who decided to go here?
- Everyone (sans Peter and Francis): You did.
- Peter: You were the one who suggested we go and asked if you could come along. Quite ironic.
- Francis: Aw, shut up! Don't you have some poorly thought scheme of the week to do every Sunday night, you stinkin' drunk?
- Peter: Don't you have some people to hit with a bible for "not being holy enough"?
- Francis: Don'
- Peter: Remember the time you got me fired?
- Francis: Burned my bible?
- Peter: Made you smash your head on the windshield?
- Francis: I don't remember...
- [Peter abruptly stops the car, causing Francis to hit the windshield]
- Francis: Ach! [gets up and dusts himself off] Okay, I walked right into that one.
- Peter: Holy crap! That was awesome!
- Francis: For once, I actually agree with you. It totally beats the Sunday Bingo games at the retirement home.
- [In a cutaway, Francis and Thelma are in their separate table alongside a group of other seniors, waiting for the next number to be called]
- Francis: Wait a minute, I hate Bingo!
- [Francis then shoves his paper and sticker placer on the ground and exits]
- Anna: My name's Anna.
- Chris: Um, I'm Chris. I like to draw and sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now it's your turn to say something.
- Anna: [laughs] You're funny!
- [Peter walks in the Drunken Clam with Adrien Beaky]
- Peter: Hey, guys. What is going on?
- Joe: No way!
- Quagmire: Cool!
- Cleveland: That thing don't bite, do it?
- Peter: Guys, say hello to Adrien Beaky.
- Adrien Beaky: Pick a lane, bitch.
- Peter: [laughs] Ain't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over to the car.
- Adrien Beaky: I gotta pee. Where's that Snapple bottle? [Peter laughs] I had a gay experience at camp.
- Peter: Oh, oh. [laughs] We, we, we had the radio on and we were talking about some goofy stuff. So what are you guys drinking?
- Joe: Hey, Peter, you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
- Peter: A pirate? Aw, cool!
- Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
- Joe: And a peg leg.
- Cleveland: And a hook hand.
- Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard, even though she looked young and then I found out she was 12. I mean, you should get an eye patch.
- Joe: Eye patch would be cool.
- Peter: Ah-ha! There's me wenches, Francis!
- Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing?!
- Peter: That's Long John Peter to you, porthole!
- [Peter laughs, and his crew laughs with him]
- Francis: Fetch me five tankets of ale and a leg of mutton for me mateies!
- [Francis slaps Lois on the rear]
- Lois: Agh!
- Peter/Mates: Ah-ha-ha-ha!
- Brian: Peter, you got more people to join you?
- Peter: Yep. I just told them I was making a pirate crew and wanted in.
- Fargus: Hi, Ms. Griffin.
- Lois: Oh hi, Randall... I-I-I mean, Peter this is ridiculous!
- Thelma: Francis, we love the fact you two are getting along, but don’t you think you’re getting too into this pirate game?
- Lois: Plus, those guys stink! Get 'em outta here!
- Francis: They stink of good cheer, prostate!
- Peter: Ah-ha! [laughs] After we've had our fill of bread and wine, we shall tell tales of other times we've had our fill of bread and wine.
- [After destroying Mort’s store, Peter and his pirate crew laugh until their cannon shoots a bag of nickels into Peter’s crotch. Causing Peter's parrot to fly off to the left and Peter to lie on the floor in pain]
- Peter: OW! Why?
- Anna: Chris, I like you. [kiss Chris] You don't have to try so hard.
- Chris: I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kid watching a toy commercial.
- [cutaway to commercial]
- Announcer: Kids, kids, kids! Shiny, gooey, stretchy, fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky, yummy, bouncy, fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it!
- Kids: Yeah!
- Announcer: Toss it!
- Kids: Awesome!
- Announcer: Swim it!
- Kids: Ahh!
- Announcer: Eat it!
- Kids: Whoa!
- Announcer: Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids! Kids! Arrggghhh!!! It's so awesome!
- Stewie: I want it!
- Lois: Thelma, I'm really getting worried about Peter and Francis doing this pirate business.
- [Shelly's goons knock down Chris and steal Anna]
- Anna: Aah!
- Chris: Anna!
- Anna: Chris, help me!
- Chris: Anna! Anna!!
- Joe: Hey Chris, guess what we just did. Bonnie, tell him.
- Bonnie: We had sex.
- Joe: We had sex!
- Bonnie: We had what Joe calls "sex".
- [Peter, Francis, Fargus and Seamus walk into the Griffin house]
- Peter: Allright me maties! Who shall we terrorize tomor-(stops when he realizes his home is wrecked) Holy crap!!
- Fargus: Peter, it looked like your house has been shanghaied!
- Brian: (muffled) Hey! Somebody help!
- [Seamus using his wooden arm lifts from under the couch to reveal Brian and Meg tied up]
- Peter: [laughs] Oh my God, Meg. You're so unattractive you couldn't even be kidnapped.
- Francis: Why are you two tied up under the couch?
- Brian: You’re damn pirate group kidnapped Lois and Thelma while you were gone!
- Meg: We tried to fight back, but... well you get the picture.
- Fargus: Aw, crap, that British guy wasn’t kidding when he said he was going to have revenge.
- [As the four get Meg and Brian up and untie them, Chris comes through the door in tears]
- Peter: Chris, you’re home earlier than you said. What happened? Did she dump you?
- Chris: No! We were on a date when a mean guy knocked me down and took Anna. I tried to catch him but I couldn’t. And now, I lost her!!
- [Chris runs up to his room to cry]
- Peter: Oh, God! What have we done? We not only put our wifes in danger, we got Chris tangled in this mess.
- Francis: I feel like such a bastard.
- Fargus: Yeah. We screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake.
- [cutaway to Mexican villa]
- Man: Who was that masked man who saved us?
- Man #2: I don't know, but he left his insignia.
- Peter: I'm sorry we lost you your girlfriend Chris. I wish I could make you feel better.
- Chris: Um, you could do the airplane?
- Peter: Chris, you're not as little as you used to be.
- Chris: (jumps a little) Pleaase?
- Peter: (to Francis) Rock, Paper, Scissors for who has to do the airplane?
- [Peter and Francis do a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. With Francis throwing paper and losing to Peter's scissors]
- Peter: You're turn.
- [Chris gets on the floor and holds his left hand up]
- Francis: (sigh) Flight attendants, prepare for departure.
- [Francis grabs Chris' arm and left leg and slowly rotates him. As Chris is going: "Weeee!", Francis is struggling to keep him up until a snapping sound is heard and Francis drops Chris to the ground as he clutches his back and puts his knees on the floor]
- Francis: OW! Damn it, my back!
- Chris: Yeah, no. That didn't help me feel better.
- Peter: Chris, we are not gonna to accept some British scumbag kidnapping our loves for blackmail! We’re gonna do what any white people do when they encounter situation. Fight back!
- [Fargus and Seamus come to join Peter, Francis and Chris in the car]
- Fargus: We’re coming with you, buddy!
- Peter: No way, Fargs! This is a personal mission.
- Seamus: But we’re yer crew! besides, ye can't face them British gentlemen o' fortune alone. Them nasty gentlemen o' fortune cut off me limbs in a sword fight.
- Chris: Did it include your penis?
- Seamus: Includin' me penis.
- [Seamus then pulls down his pants, revealing a giant peg, bigger than the others, attached to his crotch. Causing everyone to squick in disgust]
- Peter: Ahh!
- Francis: Oh God!
- Fargus: Gross!
- Chris: Haha! You had a big wiener!
- Seamus: My dick been really big.
- Fargus: For the love of all mercy, please pull back up your pants.
- Peter: It’s not you guys, it’s us. It’s our fault Lois and Mom are in this mess, and as loyal husbands, or ex-husbands, we’re gonna fix this.
- [While Peter and Francis are almost able to catch Shelly off-guard while he's monologuing, Chris unfortunately breaks through the top deck and lands in view of Shelly]
- Chris: Hi, Anna! Hi, Mom! Hi, Grandma!
- Shelly: You sly dogs! You almost caught me monologuing!
- Peter: Damn it, Chris, you ruined the plan!
- Chris: Well, Grampa told us to "be on our toes".
- [After a cannonball damages Shelly's ship and startles everyone]
- Shelley: We've been hit!
- Peter: We're gonna die!
- Seamus: Shut up!
- [Seamus, along with Randall and Mayor West were on a nearby ship.]
- Francis: CAPTAIN SEAMUS!
- Peter/Chris: MR. FARGUS!
- Seamus: Argg!
Randall: You guys are truly a miracle for the fact you two lasted so long! How'd you two last?
- Thelma: These two had to be rescued by us. They thought it would be a good idea to take false leads from an enemy pirate.
- Seamus: Oh-ho, rookie mistake.
- Mayor West: They sound like the biggest dolts in the world.
- Thelma: [eyeing Francis] Yeah, they do
- Peter: Ah, young love...
- Francis: Isn't that sweet?
- [Lois and Thelma, still upset at the two for the capturing, clear their throats to get their attention]
- [The final shot then panned out to reveal it was image in a book being read by Peter and Francis to a group of seniors thirty years into the future]
- Old Peter: And that's the story of the time we acted like pirates. Boy, was that day a mess.
- Old Francis: Any questions you guys had?
- [A senior raised his hand and asked]
- Senior: Yeah. Uh, I-I don't get it. So...like, did anyone find the body of the dead British man? Or-Or-Or what-what's the deal with that?
- [The other senior next to him nodded in agreement]
Songs[]
Trivia[]
- Brian turns 8 years old (56 in dog years) in this episode.
- The episode received a continuation in Season 15's "Long John Peter II: Shelly's Return"
- Francis interrupts the family listening to Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline".
- The car driven by Boothbishop is a green BMC Austin Mini, an iconic 1960s British vehicle and the original compact car. This design has been updated by Germany's BMW into the MINI, a larger and more modern vehicle, retaining the original iconic design image. True to reality, Boothbishop's Mini has the steering wheel on the right, allowing hand-to-hand swordfights with Peter, who sits on the left of his US car.
- When Peter's car hits the telephone pole, the electrician does the Wilhelm Scream.
- During Busy Business Lady Whose Life Is Missing Something But She Doesn't Realize It Because She's So Busy With Business, the music playing is Coldplay's song "Clocks".
- Another mention of O.J. Simpson is made, this time implicating Peter in the murders of Simpson's wife and friend.
- When Peter is engaging in the pirate fight along the street, a passing car goes between them, going the opposite way. However, the lines on the road are white, showing that it is a one-way street.
Cultural References[]
- The title refers to the primary antagonist of the novel Treasure Island.
- After finding out Chris got dragged into the pirate nonsense, Fargus says they screwed up worse than Disney did in casting Michael J. Fox in a Zorro remake, a reference to the box-office failure of The Legend of Zorro and Fox's Parkinson's Disease as indicated by the messed-up Z insignia. It should also be noted that "zorro" is Spanish for "fox."
- When Peter and his pirate friends break into Goldman's Pharmacy, Mort yells "Oh, no! Kristallnacht!" Kristallnacht was when the Nazi soldiers destroyed many Jewish-owned stores.
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