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[It's snowing outside and The Griffin House is decorated for Christmas; Lois, Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian are inside, watching Christmas Specials on TV]
[Peter enters, through the front door]
Peter: Hey, everybody.
Lois: Oh, Hi Peter. How was your day?
Peter: Ugh, the boss sent out one of those stupid holiday video cards at work.
Lois: Well, what's wrong with that? That's nice.
Peter: No it's not. It's pointless flummery, that's so obviously empty, that it's insulting. I mean, don't try to connect with me. You know, don't-don't pretend like you give a crap.
Brian: I agree. Whenever someone sends one of E-cards to someone else, they're basically sending them a big fat holiday fuck you for Christmas.
Meg: Someone just messaged me a short video of Modern Family.
[Doorbell rings]
Lois: Who could that be?
Stewie: Well, we know it's not The Flintstones.
[Lois opens the front door; Gary and Dana enter]
Lois: Gary Newman and Dana Walden?
Peter: Aw, shit! Guys, we're cancelled again.
Meg: Oh no!
Brian: Aw, again?
Chris: I'm pay or play. Who cares?
Dana: Relax, Griffins. We're just here to wish everyone a happy holiday season.
Gary: Yeah, and we brought a gift.
[Gary takes out a bottle of wine]
Dana: Jorian Hill. You brought wine from your vineyard? Isn't that a bit much?
Gary: Oh, I'm sorry. Is my vineyard not as good as your vineyard?
Dana: I don't have a vineyard.
Gary: Exactly.
[Peter walks up to Gary]
Peter: Hey, nice to see you again, Gary. Hey, who's this? Your secretary?
Gary: No, Peter. This is Dana Walden. We're the chairmen of 20th Century Fox Television.
Peter: [nudges Gary] Aha. Alright. I get it. Like-like how, ... when we go to a restaurant, I pay for dinner, but I still make the kids thank mom.
Gary: No, that's not it at all. Dana and I are partners.
Peter: You two are gay guys?
Chris: Like Modern Family!
Stewie: Hey, you know, speaking of those guys, I just want you to know, I intend to honor my contract. You know, I-I'm not one of those entitled rabblerousers. Okay, I mean not-not this year, anyway.
Lois: Well, it's great to have you two here, this year.
[Lois gestures to the coffee table, and there's food and drinks on it]
Lois: There's food and drinks in the table, if you want anyth-
[Gary kicks the wine off the table]
Gary: No!
Lois: What the hell?
Gary: My wine! ... We're having my wine.
Lois: Boy, your vineyard is becoming more of a vane-yard, huh? [chuckles]
Dana: [laughs]
Stewie: [to Dana] Really?
Dana: What? It was funny.
Stewie: Uh-uh. Dana, my darling, you're better than that.
Lois: Come on, guys. Let's stop all the fussing. It's Christmas.
Chris: No, it's just December.
Lois: Oh, you know what I mean!
Gary: Well, when Christmas does come, I hope you all have a very merry one.
Chris: Well, Gary, if you wanna live to see that day, I suggest you start rationing food and get into a nuclear bunker, sometime before the twenty first.
Meg: Jeez, Chris. Enough with all this ancient Mayan apocalypse, shit.
Chris: It's going to happen, Meg! Didn't you see those dead birds dropping from the sky yesterday!?
[Cutaway to Meg in her room; Chris crashes in, through the ceiling]
Meg: Aaaah!
Chris: [holds out a bird] DEAD BIRDS DROPPING FROM THE SKY, MEG! AND THIS ONE WAS PERFECTLY HEALTHY!
Meg: That bird's not dead.
[Chris snaps the bird's neck]
Chris: AND THIS ONE WAS PERFECTLY HEALTHY!
[Cut back to scene]
Brian: Hey, Gary, Dana. I know you're looking for a new show,
Stewie: [offscreen] Oh, boy.
Brian: And if you're ever scrapped for candidates,
Stewie: [offscreen] They'll never be.
Brian: Here's food for thought.
Stewie: [offscreen] Ignore him.
Brian: Faster Than the Speed of Love: The Series.
Stewie: [offscreen] [groan]
Gary: And, what makes you think we're looking for a show?
Brian: Well, it's just that I know you'll be having an opening soon.
[Cleveland shows up at the window and knocks on the pane]
Cleveland: Hey, Dana? Gurry? Could-could I talk to you for like two seconds?
[Dana closes the curtains on Cleveland]
Dana: Happy holidays from everyone at 20th Century Fox Television.
Peter: Yeah, Merry Christmas, and to all of our Jewish friends, Merry Tyler Moore.
Cleveland: [shouting from outside the house] I'm just gunna be waiting out here, by your car.
Dana: Did you notice they barely wrote any lines for me?
Meg: Yeah, me neither.
Dana: Shut up, Meg.
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