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Family Guy: Live in Vegas

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Family Guy: Live in Vegas
Season 4, Episode 0
Air date April 29, 2003
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Family Guy: Live in Vegas, or shortened to Live in Vegas, is a 44-minute special made to promote Family Guy's grand return after being cancelled. It had seven original songs composed by Walter Murphy and creator Seth MacFarlane. It aired on April 29, 2003, and was released on DVD a month later with an uncensored version and karaoke of the songs.

Background[]

Seth MacFarlane described the special as "a blend of the rich, lush arrangements of the classic era of Rat Pack Vegas shows combined with the fart jokes of today". MacFarlane co-produced the album and co-wrote several tracks. It features guest star Patti LuPone. The music was arranged and orchestrated by Walter Murphy and all songs are produced by MacFarlane and Murphy.

Synopsis[]

After getting the word of their show being uncancelled, the Griffins want to do something special for the fans of the show that saved their show and well as return with a bang: throw a live musical at Las Vegas.

Plot[]

In the cold open, Peter tells his family that they have "been canceled". He then lists all 29 shows that were canceled by Fox between the show's cancellation and revival and says that if all of those shows were to be canceled, as also some resurgence in popularity, they might have a chance at returning.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

[Sometime in 2001]
Peter: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot. Or hell, if there's some resurgence in popularity than sure. But that's unlikely.
[Flash-forward to two years later, with the family watching TV. As they're watching, the phone in the kitchen rings, which Peter goes to answer.]
Peter: Griffin residence, Peter speaking ... Yeah ... Holy crap!! (comes running back to his family) Everyone, we just got revived for a fourth season!!
All: What?!
Lois: Oh, my, thank you very much. What a welcome.
Peter: I am gonna buy each and every one of you a beer after the show.
[The audience roars in excitement]
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m kiddin’ for Christ’s sake, I’m not serious, that’s expensive! Listen, just the fact that I came up with the idea should tell you I’m generous. I shouldn’t actually have to spend any money.
Chris: Mom.
Lois: Yes, honey?
Chris: I have a wedgie!
Lois: Chris, honey, wait until the intermission. Then you can fix it.
Peter: Well, we got a lot of fun stuff lined up here tonight; we got music, we got comedy, we got behind the scenes crap from the show. And we even got a few special guests.
Peter: Well it’s time for our first two singing special guests. Ladies and gentlemen, my loving mother Mrs. Thelma Griffin!
[Thelma in a fancy dress walks out from a door on the stage and greets the Griffins]
Lois: Thelma!
Meg/Chris: Grandma!
Thelma: Hello, darlings. Bring it in.
[Thelma and the Griffins embrace for a hug]
Peter: Thanks for coming, ma. And alongside her is her husband, god help us, Francis Griffin.
[Francis walks from the same door and begins to get involved with the audience]
Francis: Alright, get back! No flash photography allowed in the hall. This is a rented place, you scamps! Now, turn down the damn lights or I'll turn it off for ya!
Lois: Oh, hi Francis.
Francis: Believe you me I don't want to see you as much as I do. I'm just here because my son blackmailed me.
Thelma: Wait, Francis you're blackmailed?!
Lois: Peter, how'd you do it?
Peter: You wanna know how? Well, ok. So, remember when you and mom left for a girls day out and left me with Dad last week? Well, after you two left, I -— no, wait a minute. Let’s tell this story right. Chorus, please.
Francis: So, you see, that's why I'm here. Our stupid, idiotic fatass son blackmailed me! And I hope you burn in Hell you ungrateful bastard!!
Peter: You know Dad, I can be selfish and self-centered at times. I can be naive and innocently insensitive. But you wanna know something though? Despite all of my faults, I'm loved despite all because I have redeeming qualities for my negatives. Mom loves me. My wife loves me. My kids love me. My friends love me. The audience loves me. Even... I love me. You on the other hand, has very little redeeming qualities to you. Everyone tolerates you at best and is waiting for you to die at worst. You really think we'll care about you when you die? You really think we're going to genuinely shed tears? No. We're gonna party in the backyard like there's no tomorrow on your death day, and when it's time to take care of your rotting dead body, we'll cremate you and throw your ashes into a fire! So be my guest in continually making fun of me, calling me a fatass or a failure. Because deep down, you know I'm doing ten times better than you are, Francis Griffin! You’re time is up. Sit down in the waiting area.
[Francis, speechless, just stands coldly. As if he didn't hear Peter. With Thelma pushing him out]
Lois: See you later, Thelma.
Brian: Well, that got... heavy.
Peter: All right, ok, I’ve got some more trivia for you to lighten things up. You know, the sound stage where we shoot Family Guy is the same stage where they shot the Golden Girls back in the 80s, right? And now, one of the stagehands was telling me a pretty intense story. I guess there was one night where they were all ready to shoot and, uh, the audience was waiting and, uh, nobody could find Bea Arthur. So everybody’s freakin’ out and, uh, then one of the producers runs in and says, “Cancel the show tonight; Bea Arthur’s in jail.”
Lois: Oh my god!
Peter: Yeah, apparently, she had a little too much to drink before the show and, uh, they found her standing on a street corner exposing her penis to traffic.
Brian: Oh my god!
Meg: Ewww! That’s disgusting!
Peter: Can you believe that?
Brian: Wait a minute. How the hell can Bea Arthur have a penis?
Peter: Eh, special permit.
Stewie: I say, what is it with these actors? They’re perfectly normal people in civilian life and then they come out to Hollywood and just go fucking berserk!
Brian: You gotta watch your language, kid.
Stewie: Brian, we just got back from a two-year cancelation, for God’s sake, let’s cut loose a bit.
Chris: Nipples! Haha.
Quagmire: Look, honey, there’s no guarantees with the “Q” Man. He marches to his own beat.
Patti LuPone: I still can’t believe you won’t admit that you were a jerk.
Peter: Hey, everybody, it’s Glenn Quagmire and Patti LuPone!
Lois: What’s the matter with you two?
Quagmire: Oh, she’s knockin’ it way out of proportion, Lois.
Patti LuPone: Hardly. You know, not a lot of people are aware of this, but back before I got married, I met this scumbag, Quagmire in a bar. He asked me out and for some reason, I said yes.
Quagmire: Jackpot! Heh, heh, heh, all right.
Patti LuPone: Well, we’d been dating for quite some time, and then one night I caught him in bed with a stewardess!
Quagmire: They prefer the term “flight attendant.” Well, actually, this one preferred the term “dick slave,” but go on.
Patti LuPone: I never felt so used in my life. I mean, for all I knew, this tramp could have been one of fifty.
Quagmire: Nah, nah, there were only two others. One was seventeen, so that doesn’t count. And the other one was a real doll (?) so that doesn’t count either.
Patti LuPone: I could strangle you right now. After all these years, you still can’t admit you treated me like shit!
Quagmire: Hey, honey, it’s your fault for trusting me in the first place. Heh, hey let me put it to you like this:
Quagmire: Come on, honey, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll buy you some lingerie, heh. Giggity, giggity, giggidty, giggity!
Stewie: What a delightful couple.
Chris: She’s got boobies!
Lois: Yes, she does, Chris, but we don’t use that word in public.
Chris: She’s got....teats!
Lois: We don’t say that either.
Chris: Well, what the heck am I supposed to say?
Lois: I would just not bring it up at all.
Meg: God, Chris, you’re such an idiot!
Stewie: Well, my dear, you’re not exactly the cream of the crop yourself, you know. And, by the way, when was the last time you had a date?
Meg: …I have one tonight with Jeff after the show.
Stewie: Really? Well, for your sake, I hope he doesn't ask to see you naked. Ha! Brian, Brian.
Brian: Huh?
Stewie: Oh, dude, I had my hand up for a high five, and you totally freaking dissed me.
Brian: Oh, sorry, you, uh, wanna try again?
Stewie: Yes.
Brian: Uh, ok, one, two, three.
{smack}
Peter: Ow, my eye!
Brian: Oh, sorry, I haven’t high fived anyone in about six years.
Chris: Yaaaay.
Stewie: Oh yes, right on time with that one, Chris. I say, Lois, how harrowing it must have been to give birth to that monstrosity.
Brian: Yeah, that must've been tough, having Chris.
Lois: Well, how should I put this... Imagine squeezing a Subaru out of your vagina.
Stewie: Well, I can imagine the Subaru, but I'm afraid I can't imagine myself with a vagina.
Brian: I can imagine you with a vagina.
Stewie: Is that a gay joke?
Brian: That is a gay joke.
Lois: Ohoh, we have such a colorful family, don't we?
Peter: Yeah, they're swell. Especially you, Lois. You know, I gotta tell you: my life sucked big time before I met you.
Lois: Well, go ahead and tell me.
[Fargus walks through the door on the stage]
Fargus: I think this is the right stage.
Peter: Oh my God! It's - It's Mr. Fargus!
Fargus: Hello Peter.
Meg: Dad, you saw him last week. What is he doing here?
Peter: Well Meg, You know on Family Guy we love poking fun at our favorite TV shows from the 1980s. So at this time, I would like to do a little swing medley featuring some TV tunes you just might recognize. And compared to the usual songs, it won't have just one group. It'll be multiple duos doing a certain tune. And I thought Fargus could join me in this number. Whatya say, Fargs?
Fargus: That'd sound like it be pretty fun!
Peter: Hit it, Walter!
Peter: "I'm not overweight. I'm under tall." - Garfield, 1982. Speaking of which, [to the crowd] do you wanna read something seriously messed up? Go out and pick up, "Garfield: His 9 Lives". An absolutely bizarre, fucked-up piece of fiction. Half of them aren't funny. They're just artsy, scary and disturbing. Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives, Jim Davis? Why did you do that dark freaky one where Garfield kills that old woman? You wanna see a picture? Look at this. [Peter shows the picture of a vicious cat] This is an actual picture from the book. "Hey. Nice to see you Garfield. What's the matter? You a little agitated? Out to commit murder?" Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks. A job you do damn well, make no mistake. That's why old Peter's giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one. But I don't wanna see another one of those. All right? 'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me.
[The audience and family, minus Peter and his parents, laugh]
Peter: You-You think this is funny?
Brian: Peter, it was a children's book.
Peter: Does a children's book scare you for life? Messed me up so bad I had to sleep with my parents for a week. Mom, Dad, come on, back me up.
Thelma: Well, that night he did come to our room and try to sleep with us, but we told him there was nothing to worry about. But he wouldn't budge, so we were like, "Ah, fuck it, let's read it and see what the fuss is about"...Then we got scarred by it ourselves...
Francis: We ended up burning the book and allowing him to sleep in our bed.
Lois: By the way Peter, do you know what next Friday is?
Peter: Uh, yeah, it's a movie with, uh, Ice Cube and that other guy who looks like Rudy from Fat Albert.
Lois: No, I mean a week from this Friday. Do you know what it is?
Peter: Uh...Donald Rumsfeld takes his annual crap?
Lois: No, I mean it is that too, but it's something else.
Peter: Um, Getting Drunk at the Clam Friday?
Francis: Another one of your girls-night-out Fridays?
Peter: Rosh Ha-Sha-Na-Na? You know when all the Jewish people get together and put on a variety show? Hehehehehehehehe
Lois: No, Peter, it's our anniversary!
Peter: Oh yeah?! Oh, see? This is why I need a Palm Pilot.
Lois: You forgot again, didn't you?
Peter: Maybe.
Thelma: At least that's better than what Francis got me for our last anniversary. He forgot for weeks! And when he did finally remember, he gave me a printed I.O.U.!
Peter: Oh, hey, uh, Lois, you got somethin' in your ear there.
Francis: Ya got something in your ear too, Thelm.
Peter: Heh, what da, wuh - What is this?
Lois: {gasps} Peter, you got us rings!
Thelma: Oh, Peter and Francis, they're beautiful.
Peter: Eh, it's nothin'. I mean they charged us up the ass for it - Frans had to sell his autographed Bible, and I had to sell my Richard Marx record collection of my 7th Heaven blooper reel where Stephen Collins says "Jesus Christ, I just stubbed my Goddamn toe." Boy, did the WB try to keep that one under wraps!
Lois: Oh...
Lois: This next number is about a place that's very near and dear to all our hearts.
Peter: Well guys, it looks like we have enough time for one more number. And this one is an extended version of the song that every Family Guy episode starts with. Walter, if you please.
Lois: Well, folks. That's our show. We wanna thank you all so much for coming.
Stewie: And don't forget to come see me on Broadway. I'll be starring in a new production of Annie Get Your Gun, which is getting a contemporary Broadway makeover. It's going to be called Annie Get Your Diaphragm. We're going to do it right here on the stove.
Peter: Come on, guys! Let's celebrate our return with a trip to the Clam! You're paying the beers, though.
[The cast begins to exit the stage, but Peter stay behind, as the music slows down and stops]
Peter: Hey, uh, before I go, I want to say something personal. I know we've had a lot of laughs tonight, and we kid around a lot here... but the truth is, we care about each other. And I want to give a personal thank you to all of you guys for supporting the show. You managed to get us back on the air for a fourth season thanks to all of you. And just on DVD sales! That's gotta be a first. I still can't believe that was possible! You know I still think to when FOX told us we were cancelled because of low ratings and we would never come back in 2001. I'm… (begins to cry) I'm so amazed at far we've come. So remember. When you see new episodes, or reruns or marathons of us on FOX or Adult Swim or wherever, just know you made it possible. So with this said, we'll see you next week with the series re-premiere and until then, good night, everybody!
[Peter exits as the music returns and finishes, as the audience claps.]

Songs[]

Trivia[]

  • At the beginning, the shows Peter mentions are all shows that were canceled by FOX during the time that Family Guy itself was off the air, having been canceled. When he gets to Greg the Bunny, he glances toward Chris. Seth Green, who voices Chris, also played Greg's human assistant on that show.
  • This is the first Family Guy production to use the middle season designs.
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