Family Guy Fanon Wiki
Family Guy Fanon Wiki
Family Guy Fanon Wiki
4,228
pages
in: Episodes, Season 1, Beer Bar Buddies Episodes,
and 9 more

Do and Die

Sign in to edit
Do and Die
Season 1, Episode 4
Air date February 21, 1999
Episode Guide
Previous
Mind Over Murder 		Next
A Hero Sits Next Door

Do and Die is the fourth episode of the first season of Family Guy. It is the fourth episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

When The Mayor of Quahog resigns, famous actor, Adam West starts running for mayor. But Lois doesn't want someone as loose and silly as him becoming mayor and runs against him, with Brian and Loretta aiding her campaign. However, running against a popular celebrity who can use his big vocabulary and superficial looks to wow the people proves to be far more challenging.

Plot[]

The Beer Bar Buddies drink some beer at The Drunken Clam, when Horace tells them that they've better be going soon as he's closing up the bar for the night. Sad that their party is coming to an end, Peter asks if he can take their beers to go. Horace allows it as surprisingly, as there's no law saying that they can't do that. This leads to The Beer Bar Buddies drinking while driving and getting into tons of trouble. A cop takes a very wasted Peter home and tells Lois that he wrecked a bunch of cars and buildings and killed a bunch of people, while he was drunk. Lois is shocked that her husband's about to go to jail, but the cop says that there's no need to worry. Quahog law says that "inebriated felonies" are not illegal, since you can't blame someone for doing something bad, while intoxicated. While relieved that her husband isn't going to jail, she still thinks that this law is completely nonsensical and highly dangerous.

The next morning, news gets out that Quahog's mayor, Buddy Cianci was forced to resign from his job after being charged with racketeering, while sober, putting him under arrest for four years. Now that he was arrested, this opens up a new spot for a new mayor to seize control of Quahog. Lois is happy that this is going to happen, now that she knows that hopefully, the new mayor will be good and put an end to all these messed up laws. However, her hopes are instantly crushed when the first guy to run for mayor is the cockamamie celebrity, Adam West. Adam West does great with the citizens using his superficial looks and he proposes to make a whole bunch of new ridiculous laws and rules. Lois will not stand for this, so she runs against him with Brian and Loretta being part of her campaign team. At first they do a bunch of things to gain support, hangs posters, go door to door, give adverts and even do a radio show, yet all of them fail to get any modicum of attention. Though they do spark some interest, as the Beer Bar Buddies come to see a Drunken Clam full of wrecked items and posters of each side from a political fight.

The night of the debate, Adam West gets the voters riled with merely a smile and point. Which leads to Lois giving a improv speech about how Adam showed no worthy reasons to be a mayor and how if anyone were to be mayor, it'd be her. This gets most of Quahog on her side - including Adam West's assistant - and Lois begins to write down a list of laws she wants to implement when she becomes mayor. This causes Peter and The Beer Bar Buddies to freak out, knowing that with Lois on track to become mayor, all the great things they loved doing will come to an end. Fearing that she might actually become mayor, they do all of the things she plans to illegalize, while they still can. Though when the results come in, Adam West wins and becomes the new mayor. Which Peter is surprised by, and Lois explains that she did have support until the final day, when Adam West won over everyone by giving them copies of complete series DVDs of his Batman show signed by him.

However, Mayor Adam West's reign over Quahog isn't all that it's cracked up to be. The next time Peter goes on another one of his drunken crime sprees, "Batman" shows up and kicks his ass and says that he's dishing out some justice in this messed up city with a corrupt mayor. When Peter reports this to Adam West, saying that someone beat him up for doing something perfectly legal, Adam just says that there's no way he'll be able to catch this smooth and slick vigilante as he gives a smug little wink. Apparently, Mayor Adam West is going to pretend to be a horrible mayor, while his alter-ego goes around, righting all of his wrongs, bringing an unconventional but successful form of justice to this crime-ridden town. The episode ends, Batman style with Mayor Adam West looking off into the night, while the bat signal flares up into the dark midnight sky, while a bolt of lighting strikes down, dramatically.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

To view the full script in PDF, press the thumbnail.
[The Griffins watch watching TV. The commercial they were watching was for Mentos, set in 1800s America. Abraham Lincoln was stepping out of his stagecoach, then the camera turned to his assassin, John Wilkes Booth, who was about to shoot Lincoln, but misses his chances. He looks up to see it to be the Ford Theatre. This gives Booth the idea to kill Lincoln in the theater and before he goes further, he takes a Mentos as a refreshment. In the theater, Lincoln was already up at the balcony when Booth himself enters and run up the stairs. He reaches Lincoln from behind and points his gun directly at Lincoln's head. He fires, but hits the hat instead, catching Lincoln by surprise. Lincoln turns to find Booth standing there giving a grin. Lincoln doesn't seem to mind. Booth then shows his Mentos at the camera as part of the advertisement.]
Announcer: Mintos. The Freshmaker.
[It cuts back to the family]
Meg: These commercials are stupid.
Chris: You're one to talk, Meg.
Lois: You're sister's right for a change, Chris. They certainly don't make me want a Minto.
Brian: Totally ineffective.
Peter: (hypnotized) Must. Kill. Lincoln.
[Peter walks out of the room]
Meg: He's already dead, Dad!
[Peter walks back in the room with an axe]
Peter: (hypnotized) Must. Kill. Meg.
Horace: Hey, hey, it's my three favorites! The Pete-boy, the Q-Man and the Dark Chocolate!
Peter: How's it goin, Hor-boy?
Horace: Fresh and hot off the house. Like you're beer refills.
[Horace handed them all their refills]
Quagmire: Al-right!
Cleveland: Thanks, Horace.
Quagmire: Peter, I just had the best idea for what we should do together Saturday: jet-skiing! We can use this to surf wild and pick up chicks!
Peter: No way. You wanna pick up chicks? We should all tightrope across a dangerous cliff!
Quagmire: Well then we should vote for what we do Saturday.
Peter: [while raising his hand] All in favor of tightroping!
Quagmire: [while raising his fist] All in favor of jet-skiing!
[Peter and Quagmire realize their tied, with Cleveland undecided]
Cleveland: Sorry, fellas. Both are good options so I can't choose between one or the other.
Peter: [sighs] Damn, we really need to start finding more members.
Police Officer: Mrs. Griffin, your husband has recently been drinking while driving and wrecked ten cars and buildings respectively, alongside killing fifteen people and injuring seven.
Lois: Oh my God! Is-Is he going to jail?
Police Officer: Oh, he's not going to jail. [pulls out a Quahog lawbook] Because the law says that "inebriated felonies" are not illegal, since you can't blame someone for doing something illegal, while intoxicated. [to Peter] Though consider this a warning, Mr. Griffin.
Peter: [drunkenly] Hey, how come I wasn't invited to this meeting, Mr. Weed?
[Peter heads to front door and leaves for work. Lois can't do anything but sigh. Brian, noticing, comes up to comfort her]
Brian: Is something up, Lois?
Lois: Wha?
Brian: Lois, I can tell when you're feeling a certain way. So what's wrong?
Lois: Brian, uh, I guess I'm just conflicted about last night. I-I mean, I'm happy Peter was able to not go to jail, but this recent altercation with the police makes me think that Quahog's laws are completely nonsensical and highly dangerous. I mean, he committed multiple accounts of vehicular-ramming and vehicular manslaughter, and he got let off the hook because of a law loophole. He didn't even get a DUI, the most basic consequence for drinking while driving. And-And-And what impact do you think this will make on Stewie in the future? He'll see Peter get away with murder and think he can do the same if he gets drunk beforehand.
[While Lois is talking, Stewie behind her with a crossbow in hand in another attempt to kill her; When she says "happy Peter was able to not go to jail", Stewie mouths out "I'm not"; When she says "Quahog's laws are completely nonsensical", Stewie nods his head in agreement; When she says "what impact do you think this will make on Stewie?", Stewie aims the crossbow at her; When she says "think he can do the same if he gets drunk", Stewie shoots the crossbow, but misses Lois and ends up aiming at the ceiling]
Stewie: Ah! Damn it!
Brian: Honesty, I think you should be more worried about Stewie now than in the future.
Cleveland: Welcome to Cleveland's Deli! We hope we can serve you wel-
Man: Enough of the intro crap! My car just got totaled last night in sleep by some jackass, and I need somewhere to get food to focus on what I'm gonna do before I burst in anger!
Cleveland: So, would you like the "normal" seating, or the "chill out" seating?
Woman: Uh, what's the difference between them?
Loretta: The difference is that "chill out" is just telling him to chill the hell out. [pulls the two towards the seating] Now, move it!
Junior: Daddy got arrested! Daddy got arrested! [laughs]
Mr. Fargus: Alright, class. Today, we'll be watching a Bill Nye episode. And you'll watch this as I sit on my desk and rethink my life choices.
[Later on, around a mere hour from the news, Lois and Loretta - the latter arrived home with Cleveland early upon hearing the news - were on the Griffin living room couch with Lois finding out via a newspaper]
Lois: I can't believe our mayor has been arrested.
Loretta: Serves that man right. I always knew there was something up with that man through his photos in the mayor hall. They just screamed "scumbag".
Loretta: Wait, if you got home early, does that mean Cleveland Jr. got home early as well?
Chris: Yeah. I had to walk him home, and then he just went to run on the lawn.
[Chris points to the Brown lawn, Junior is seen running around the house in a circle, laughing all the way, as Cleveland just looks at him]
Junior: I'm gonna be the faster black runner in the world!
[Junior continues to run and laugh]
Cleveland: You're suppose to be dead tired when you get home.
[Junior. stops running and starts jumping up and down next to Cleveland]
Junior.: School got cancelled before it started! Full of energy!
[Junior resumes running as Loretta sighs in disappointment]
Loretta: We really gotta look into finding ways to calm that boy down.
[The commercial of Adam West running a mayoral campaign]
Adam West: Hello, I'm Adam West. You all might know me as Batman, though only in the 1966 version, not whatever the hell they're making now. But now, I want to be a mayor to protect the city even more than I did as Batman. So, I'm here to ask you to make me the mayor of your town. Vote for me, Adam West. It'll be a home run.
[Adam West takes out a baseball bat with blood and hair all over it]
Adam West: Ugh, dear God! Assistant, get me a clean bat.
[Bruce hands Adam West a clean baseball bat and takes the bloody bat]
Bruce: Here you go, sir.
Adam West: Like I said, it'll be a home run.
[Adam West swings the bat as it freeze-frames on him and puts some applause sounds as the words "Vote for Adam West" show up.]
[At the Lois Griffin Headquarters located in the basement, the members are holding a meeting]
Brian: All right everyone, listen up. We got a good two weeks or so before the election day, and we have a lot to do if we're going to win this election. Chris, you're in charge of making the signs and posters for Lois' run. You'll need to make them as vibrant and eye-catching as possible.
Chris: All right!
Brian: And Loretta, you're in charge of spreading the word to whoever you can.
Loretta: You'll be your ass I'll spread it around.
Brian: I'll be in charge of managing the campaign and keeping track of the polls. Remember, we're running against someone who can use his superficial looks and vase vocabulary to win against us. So we need [slaps his hand for every word] all hands on deck! Any questions?
Meg: [raises her hand] Yeah, I have one. What's my role in this group?
Brian: You don't have a role in this plan.
Meg: But you said "all hands on deck". C-Couldn't I be the gossip girl? Or-Or-Or the fashion helper for the candidate, or the door-to-door advertiser, or-?
Brian: Meg, no role could fit you. You're just here to have an illusion of having a real purpose in the group.
Meg: [look down at herself] Aww.
Loretta: [to Meg] Honestly, I think the dog's doing you a favor.
Junior: Look at me! I'm Michael Johnson! Wheeeeeeeeee!
[Junior then rides across the isle on the moving cart made to deliver food to stations, causing Loretta to raise her fist in anger]
Loretta: Cleveland Jr., stop riding on that cart! That's for customer serving only!
[In Stewie's imagination, he imagines being the mayor sitting in a dark chair in the now burnt Quahog, laughing maniacally, before it cuts to show the Griffin family working like slaves as he whips them]
Mayor!Stewie: Keep moving, servants!
[Slave!Meg comes to Mayor!Stewie]
Slave!Meg: Mayor Stewie, when will we be able to have our freedom again?
Mayor!Stewie: What's today?
Slave!Meg: Tuesday.
Mayor!Stewie: Hmm, let me think... Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... NEVER! [grabs his whip and whips Slave!Meg] Now get going!
[At the debate night]
Bruce: Awrighty, 'yall! Settle down. I know you are all anxious to hear what Adam West have to say.
Brian: [from the right] You mean the candidates?
Bruce: Now, we all know nobody here thinks Lois will win. But back on topic, for tonight's debate, we'll be hearing from Adam West and Louis Griffin.
Brian: [from the right side of the stage] Lois Griffin!
Bruce: [to Brian] I'm sorry, but who's in charge of the mic hear?
Lois: You know what? [throws her speech on the ground] Screw my speech! What the hell is wrong with you people?! What kind of speech is ...[she does the shooting gesture Adam did earlier]? We just got done dealing with a mayor that got arrested for committing racketeering behind our backs, and we should be more focused than ever to vote for the right person for office! A person that can rebuild Quahog and make it safer, more law filled and less prone for crime because the criminals can loophole their way out of an arrest. And yet, despite having the chance to, you're gonna let some Batman celebrity run our town?! What has he shown to be worthy of running a town? [a hand from the audience raises up] And superficial looks don't count! Give me one good reason you all have to want to make Adam West our mayor!
[A long beat as nobody has an answer]
Lois: [puts a hand to her right ear] What's that? No answer? Well, that's what I thought! You don't want him in office because he shows a promising future for Quahog. You want him to be mayor because he's Adam West, and "Oh my God, having Batman as our mayor would be cool!" without actually thinking about what he'll do. The truth is you're all being lied to by a man who's only ability is to use his vast vocabulary to give an illusion as to what he knows what he's doing, when it's clear from his stupid rules and laws he wants to put in motion if he wins that he has NO GODDAMN IDEA WHAT HE'S DOING! This man you want to vote into the mayor office is the same man that a day prior I saw running around Quahog in a Batman costume. If there's any person that should be right for the job as mayor, it's me. Vote for me!
[Bruce ran inside and went down the steps to the group]
Bruce: Hey, y'all. I delivered all the voting messages to the neighborhoods like y'all.
Loretta: [sarcastic] That's great, hun. What do ya want a cookie for doing something so basic correct? Something so basic [points to Meg] she could even do it. Make yourself of better use and help with getting merch deals down.
Bruce: Aye aye!
[While showing the guys and Horace the laws Lois plans to put in]
Peter: I'm more worried about what's gonna happen to you, Horace. With the bar rule, you'll go out of business.
Horace: Eh, I'll just adapt to the time period. In fact [heads to his bar stand and pulls out three beer jugs with a new purple color drink], I'm currently working on a revamp to The Drunken Clam, and I'm gonna call it The Smoothie Clam, and I even created a recipe for a new drink to sell at the revamped Clam. And you all get a prototype of it now.
[Horace hands Peter, Cleveland and Quagmire each a jug, and the three friends shrug and take a swing of the drink... Only to have their eyes widen and all spit it out in disgust]
Quagmire: Dear God, that was awful!
Cleveland: It's like Loretta's aunt's sloppy kisses.
Peter Horace, what the hell was that?!
Horace: A juice smoothie with tabasco sauce inside it. [notices the sour looks the Bar Buddies give him] And from the looks of it, I need to go back to the drawing board.
Peter: Come on, guys. It's the 90's! Let's make the best of this glorious time we live in.
Peter: Here's to Adam West. The best mayor we all could ask for. Sure he might bring some new laws, but whatever laws he'll bring will be much better than what Lois was gunna bring to the table.
Quagmire/Cleveland/Horace/Other Bystanders: Here, here!
[After Peter left, Mayor West then checked outside his office, swishing his eyes suspiciously seeing that the coast was clear. He then closed his office doors and locked them as he went into his closet and pushed aside clothes that revealed a pin pad]
Adam West: [narrating] I may be the horrible mayor for this town...
[He then enters the code, which opens a secret part of the office, which he enters as the closet reverts to normal. Adam West then walks up to a costume display that shows his Batman costume]
Adam West: [narrating] But that'll be my cover story.
[Adam West then goes into a quick rapid montage of changing from his mayor outfitier into his Batman costume]
Adam West: [narrating] I'm a horrible mayor by day...
[It finally then cut to Adam West in his Batman costume, above the Town Hall looking off into the night]
Adam West: [narrating] Superhero of justice in this crime-ridden town by night!

Song[]

Trivia[]

  • The title of this episode is a pun on the phrase, "Do or Die".
  • This episode marks the first appearance of the Performance Artist, also known as Bruce, The Drunken Clam bartender Horace and the Wacky Nutcase American actor Adam West.
    • It also marks the first appearance of The Beer Bar Buddies group, albeit missing Joe and being under "The Drunk Buddies"
  • Adam West first becomes mayor in this episode.
  • According to the DVD commentary for this episode on The Freakin' Sweet Collection, Adam West was originally intended to do this one episode as a one-off guest star. But he ended up being so funny the production team quickly realized they had to expand his role.

Cultural References[]

  • This episode satirizes the rocky history of Buddy Cianci, the mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and how he had been found guilty of felonies such as racketeering, which led to him being forced to resign from his job as mayor and get sent to jail for four years for racketeering.
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.