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Lois Towers Over Connie Triumphantly
Connie's Celicia is an episode of Family Guy.

Synopsis

Lois becomes a music teacher at Adam West High School and Connie D'amico bullies her.

Plot

Chris annoys his parents crazy, by playing the recorder improperly. He explains to them that his failure to play good music is because his music teacher quit, and was replaced by an atonal bird. Appalled, Lois vouches to become the new music teacher, believing to be qualified, being a skilled and long-experienced piano teacher. Lois goes to Adam West High School to apply for the job with Principal Shepherd, who happily hires her but not after making a few obvious sexual passes at her.

On Lois' first day, teacher her music class, she tires to leave an impression as a cool teacher, by wearing a snazzy piano tie and referencing to modern day rap songs, to look hip and cool. She immediately runs into trouble with Connie D'amico, who does nothing but mock and insult her, getting the rest of the class to laugh and encourage her rude behavior. Lois goes up to Connie and tells her that she was exactly like her, when she was her age. Lois says that when she went to Adam West High School as a teenager, she was a troublemaking mean girl, who did everything Connie did. Connie doesn't believe her, so Lois points out how her initials "LG" are engraved into her desk, which was the same desk she sat at, when she was her age. Meg points out the logical flaw in this event, noting that when Lois was going to middle school, she would not have had her married name, as she had not met Peter yet. Not wanting to explain the plot hole, Lois sends Meg to the principal's office. Even after Lois makes this connection, Connie still refuses to respect her and continues to show her up.

When she gets home after her first day at work, Lois complains to her family about how mean Connie was. Brian tells her not to acknowledge her, as it will only fuel her fire. As Brian describes, Connie is a shallow, mean-spirited bitch, whose opinions on other people don't matter and shouldn't be held in such high regard at all. Stewie brings out Brian's hypocrisy, by saying that Connie stopped by earlier, to see him. Brian gets stupidly excited and begs to know what she said about him. Stewie tells him that she called him gullible. Not getting the joke, Brian happily asks "And? ..." Realizing his insult victim is pretty much just a lost case, Stewie just gives up right there.

The next day at school, Lois does as Brian says and not as he does, when she ignores Connie's rudeness completely and proceeds to teach her class as normal, by playing the piano and describing how music can tell a story. Lois tells the story of her morning and accompanies highlights of the tale, by playing fitting music along with it. Although parts of it seem to be fabricated, just for the sake of having some fun, as she mentions how "her cat" ran across her piano keyboard. Lois ends off her little gag by blowing into a tuba, emulating the sound that happened, when she went diarrhea in the girl's locker room and Connie hits her with a tomato. Lois can't take anymore of the back sass and so fed up with Connie's blatant disrespect, Lois sends Connie to Principal Shepherd's office. The class goes sadly silent, worrying for poor Connie's well-being as Connie gets mad and slams the desk, cussing out Lois as she leaves the room.

Lois accompanies Connie in Principal Shepherd's office to tell the headmaster, what she did. After Lois details all of Connie's endeavors to him, Principal Shepherd chuckles good-naturedly and nostalgically, as he reminisces about how Lois, herself was just like Connie, when she was her age. Principal Shepherd retells the classic story of the time when Lois vandalized the school sign for Adam West High School, to say "Adam West Sucks Balls", which was arguably one of her most famous pranks, as it actually received political attention from, Mayor Adam West, himself, who responded to the act with anger and disappointment. After his little story ends, Connie brings up how there's no way this could have happened as the school wasn't named "Adam West High School" until long after Lois was a teenager. This is something that even she knows about, since she was there for that incident. Principal Shepherd immediately snaps out of being happy and nostalgic, sending Connie to his own office, despite her already being there. In his office, Principal Shepherd notes that this is Connie's third "strike", meaning that she is officially expelled. Connie is mortified by this and begins to cry over being expelled. Lois assures Principal Shepherd that an expulsion is a bit extreme and asks that Connie gets a second chance, but Principal Shepherd stubbornly insists that his decision is final. Connie lashes out at Lois one last time before leaving, calling her a bitch and painting her as a horrible woman, for getting her expelled.

The following morning, Brian shows Lois that her Facebook account has been hacked into and now she's joined a racist group called "Keep Harriet Tubman Off the $20 Bill", which is a Facebook group that opposes the idea of the $20 bill being redesigned to depict Harriet Tubman, for the sole reason of her being black. Meg quells Lois' shock and confusion, by explaining that the clear culprit of this act of revenge is Connie, who's still salty about getting expelled. Lois thinks little of it and continues about her day, only for things to get worse, when Connie sticks an LGBT bumper sticker on Lois' car, which she doesn't notice, until after she drops Stewie off at preschool. Bonnie and Donna happen to catch this, while dropping off Susie and Rallo, respectively and they snicker in Lois' face for this. Lois groans at Connie's immature little joke and tries to tell them that this was not her doing. Just then, a butch lesbian overhears this, as she happens to be strolling by and gets on Lois' case for how she's been talking, accusing her of being against lesbianism. Nervously, Lois assures the dyke that she's open-minded and completely supportive of the LGBT community, which the dyke takes as an ask out, which Lois is too scared to deny. The next thing you know, Lois and the lesbian are on a date, at a fancy lobster restaurant, getting negative attention from Cleveland and Donna, who also happen to be dating at that same restaurant. Cleveland and Donna shame Lois for her homosexuality and adultery.

The final straw of Connie's revenge happens at the Stop 'N' Shop, when Connie buys the last of the Viva toilet paper, provoking Lois to get into Connie's face and publicly threaten her, which gets caught the the cameras of multiple other shoppers, recording her with their phones.

The next day, Connie is reported to have died in an auto accident on the Channel 5 News, with the cause of death being cut brake lines in the car she was too young to be driving. Lois becomes the prime suspect of her murder, when the countless viral videos of her threatening Connie are brought in as evidence.

Facing the prospect of having to be responsible for himself, Peter tries to prove her innocence. But after several failed attempts, he returns home to find that Lois has been released and that Connie was found to have faked her own death by placing a blond wig on Peppa Pig prior to the crash.

Later at home, Peter finds himself the victim of the sexual desires of a prison-buffed Lois.

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Quotes

[Peter hears what sounds like a train whistle and dresses as a vagabond]
Peter: Well, that's my train. Time to disappear from this life, completely.
Lois: No, no Peter. It's just Chris, practicing his new recorder.
Peter: What? I said no hobbies!

Lois: Stop! That sounds terrible.
Peter: Yeah, you can't just play one note over and over. You're not Danny McBride.

Lois: Well, I'm gunna have to talk to Principal Shepherd about this.
Chris: [sarcastic] Great, everyone loves seeing their mom inside their high school.

[Skee-Lo makes three wishes with a genie]
Genie: I am your genie. You get three wishes. What are they?
Skee-Lo: Uh, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I baller, and I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat.
[Skee-Lo gets his three wishes]
Peter: Skee-Lo!
Skee-Lo: What?
Peter: You need money!

Principal Shepherd: What's this forgettable misunderstanding all about?
Lois: My son is being taught by a bird.
Principal Shepherd: Ah, Mrs. Wilkins.
Lois: No, Mr. Mason.
Principal Shepherd: Right. Lot of open windows at this school.
[A female bird flies up, carrying a cup of coffee in her talons]
Principal Shepherd: Thank you, Miss Angel.

[Principal Shepherd seductively lights some candles]
Lois: I'm not gunna have sex with you.
Principal Shepherd: I know. I just farted.

Lois: I started from the bottom, now I'm here. So, ... rap.

Connie: Oh, my God. You're so lame.
Lois: I know you are but what am I?
Connie: Lame.
Lois: ... Okay, we'll call that one a tie.

Connie: You were never me.
Lois: Oh, yeah? Look down at your desk.
[Connie looks down at her desk and sees "LG" engraved in it]
Connie: LG?
Lois: Lois Griffin.
Meg: Wait, but weren't you Lois Pewterschmidt back then?
Lois: Meg, go to the principal's office.

Peter: So, Lois. How was your first big day teaching? You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau?
Lois: [laughs] No, Peter. I didn't leave my family to have sex with a 12 year old boy named Vili Fualaau, get arrested for rape, give birth to his child in prison, get out, get arrested again for humping him in a car when he was 13, have his second kid in jail, get out, get married to him, change my name to Mary Kay Letourneau-Fualaau, live my life as a disgraced sex offender and then get dumped by him. No, I didn't do that.

Brian: She's a classic, entitled, mean girl slut.
Stewie: Connie D'Amico? She stopped by to see you yesterday.
Brian: [overjoyed] SHE DID!? What'd she say?
Stewie: She said your gullible.
Brian: And?

Lois: Music tells the story of out lives. For example: This morning, I woke up and saw it was a sunny day. [plays Edvard Grieg's "Morning Mood"] Then, I had some tea [plays the Oriental riff] which was from China. On my way out the door, the kitty cat ran across the piano. [plays piano sloppily] Get off of there, kitty cat. [laughs] Then, I drove to work. [plays untitled music] But then, I hit some traffic. [plays "Dun dun DUN!" music sting] That was caused by a parade. [plays "The Stars and Stripes Forever"] For gay rights. [plays the song in a higher pitch] And finally, I got to school early and diarrhead in the girls locker room. [blows into tuba] The end.

Lois: Okay, for the rest of the class, I will wait for the bell [bell rings] and then I will suddenly talk much louder and faster, as you're headed out the door. OKAY AND REMEMBER THERE'S A QUIZ A WEEK FROM WEDNESDAY!
Students: Aw, man.
Lois: Good, that means you heard me. This is how Hollywood thinks school teachers talk.

Principal Shepherd: Connie, I've asked Mrs. Griffin to be here, since it was her class, you disrupted. Mrs. Griffin, tell me what Connie has been doing.
Lois: Principal Shepherd, Connie has been absolutely rude to me these past few days, insulting me, swearing at me, disobeying orders, and even pelting me with tomatoes. She is out of control and I don't know how much more of this I can take!
Principal Shepherd: Ah, yes. Doesn't that sound familiar?
Lois: Huh?
Principal Shepherd: Lois, you weren't exactly a star student either, were you?
Lois: Oh, well I suppose not.
Principal Shepherd: Connie, did you know that when Mrs. Griffin was your age, she vandalized the school sign to say "Adam West Sucks Balls". This was so bad, it actually got her in trouble, not just with me, but with the mayor, himself.
Connie: Wait, but wasn't the school named after James Woods at the time?
Principal Shepherd: Connie, go to my office.
Connie: I'm already here.
Principal Shepherd: Oh.

[Lois goes on a date with a lesbian]
Lesbian: So, I got my blacksmith certification. I can make axes now.
Lois: Oh.
Lesbian: You in the marker for an ax?
[Cleveland and Donna see her at the next table over; Donna shakes and nods her head in agreement with Cleveland]
Cleveland: I'll keep this on the D.L. Hughley but your next date should be with Christ.

Peter: I'm gunna go see what new stuff they're turning into milk.
[Peter goes to check]
Peter: [offscreen] Ooh, wood milk!

Peter: Hey, Lois. Do we need any jeans milk at home?

Chris: Guys, my mom was arrested for Connie's murder ... NO QUIZ!

Peter: So, what I'm supposed to be a guy without a wife now? What am I supposed to do? Whatever I want, whenever I want?
Joe: I'm sorry, Peter. I know it's gunna be quite an adjustment.
Peter: Who's gunna tell me that everything I do is wrong?
Joe: I'm sorry, I'm just doing my job.
Peter: Who's gunna bring up my mistakes from several years ago?
Joe: The law is the law, Peter.
Peter: Who's gunna greet me in a shapeless sweatshirt, when I come home?
Joe: Meg, maybe?
Peter: Who's gunna call me lazy for not helping out around the house, completely discrediting the fact that I do twice as much work as her at the brewery every day?
Joe: This hurts me as much as it hurts you.
Peter: Who's gunna go "Ooh, ooh! Careful!" when I'm parking?
Joe: I took an oath, Peter.
Peter: Who's gunna fill up my DVR with lady judge programs?
Joe: I don't make the rules.
Peter: Who's gunna constantly update me on Dancing With the Stars?
Joe: I just enforce them.
Peter: Joe, I'm gunna get crow's feet from smiling too much!
Joe: I'm sorry, Peter. I know this is gunna be great for you, but I'm a cop and if I let a criminal go just because they were acquainted with my friend, I would be fired. I'm sorry, but Lois is going to jail.
Lois: Fuck you, Peter!

[Lois gets taken away by the police]
Peter: What am I supposed to do now, Brian? Whatever I want, whenever I want?
Brian: Yeah, I was right here when you were doing that.
Peter: Oh, I ... I didn't hear you laugh.
Brian: I'm more of a smile guy.

Peter: Have you ever wanted to receive a vegetable in the mail?

[Peter shoots his confiscated Nerf gun at Lois]
Peter: [offscreen] Suck on that, Lois!
Lois: That was very close to my eyes, Peter.
Peter: [offscreen] It wasn't close to your eye.
Lois: That's why I took it.
Peter: [offscreen] It was so far from your eye!

[Peter flicks a coin into the waitresses butt]
Peter: Keep the change.

[Joe goes to Peppa Pig's house to tell her parents about the death of their daughter]
Daddy Pig: Yes?
Joe: Excuse me, folks. Do you have a daughter named Peppa?
Mummy Pig: Yes. What about her?
Joe: You're gunna want to sit down.

Trivia

  • The title of this episode uses an alliteration scheme.
  • Peter forbids hobbies in his house.
  • Principal Shepherd is sexually attracted to Lois and Connie.
  • There's a number of birds, who work as teachers at Adam West High School.
  • Lois used to go to Adam West High School, when she was a teenager. During those years, she was a real troublemaker.
  • A few intentional plot holes are associated with Lois being a former student at Adam West High School.
    • As a teen, Lois carved her initials into the desks, which were "LG", despite her last name being "Pewterschmidt" at the time, as she had not yet married Peter. Meg calls attention to this inconsistency and Lois sends her to the principal's office.
    • Principal Shepherd tells the story of how when Lois was a teen, she vandalized the school sign to make it say "ADAM WEST SUCKS BALLS", which actually got an angry response from the mayor. Connie points out how the school would have still been called "James Woods Regional High School" at the time and Principal Shepherd sends her to his own office.
    • Although this is never directly called out, Principal Shepherd says that he was a teacher at the school, while Lois was a teenage student there. This is impossible, given that Principal Shepherd is only 4 years older than Lois.
    • In Principal Shepherd's story, Mayor Adam West was the acting mayor of Quahog, when Lois was a teenager, despite the fact that Adam West didn't become the mayor until the episode, "Do and Die", when Lois was a full grown adult, which also never got pointed out directly.
  • Connie gets expelled from Adam West High School.
  • Peter has an Elmo toothbrush and Lois has an Oral B toothbrush.
  • Lois only uses Viva brand paper towels.

Cultural References

  • The family watches Lego Spotlight, based on the child abuse film, Spotlight.
  • During Lego Spotlight, "Yakety Sax" by Boots Randolph plays.
  • Peter says, "you can't just play one note over and over. You're not Danny McBride", criticizing the actor for his "one-note" performances.
  • Skee-Lo waxes the lyrics of his song, "I Wish", when making three wishes with his genie.
  • Lois waxes the lyrics of the song "Started From the Bottom", by Drake.
  • Lois plays Edvard Grieg's "Morning Mood", the "Oriental Riff", the "Dun dun DUN!!!" dramatic music sting, and John Phillip Sousa's "The Stars and Stripes Forever"
  • Connie hacks into Lois' Facebook account and makes her join a group called "Keep Harriet Tubman off the $20 bill". This is a reference to the "Women on 20s" campaign, where people voted to have Harriet Tubman replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill.
  • When Lois' Facebook picture is replaced by a prohibition circle with veterans in it, Peter says he prefers that for his ghosts, alluding to the logo for Ghostbusters.
  • Cleveland says "I'll keep this on the D.L. Hughley", a reference to the "down low" and to the actor.
  • Peter has an Elmo toothbrush and Lois has an Oral B toothbrush.
  • Lois only uses Viva brand paper towels.

Continuity

Deleted Scenes

  • The pedophile lego priest breaks into the house and chases Stewie.
  • Chris and Meg insult Peter, while he's frozen.
  • Peter having an internal monologue about how he went to Hogwarts.
  • A female student inquiring if having a hot body is a good thing.
  • Mr. Mason coming home to his wife, after getting fired.
  • Lois retelling the story of Mary Kay Letourneau.
  • Peter going to the bathroom to masturbate to Meg's yearbook.
  • Cutaway to Brian getting harassed by some squirrels. In it, Stewie has a tattoo of Freddie Mercury.
  • Principal Shepherd reprimands Danny McBride.
  • Lois randomly brings up how Vili Fualaau currently works as a DJ in Seattle.
  • Peter comes into the police station to complain about his stolen toothbrush.
  • Extended dialogue of Peter talking about the annoying things wives do, wherein he includes slapping a tarantula of hairy shampoo on the shower wall, having to start every road trip with a full tank of gas, masturbating comfortably in bed, being on time to parties and staying late, and bidding adieu to watching Handmaid's Tale, This is Us, and American Housewife, saying goodbye to seeing his dining room, and lastly saying goodbye to bitchy 2:00AM blanket pulls.
  • Peter repeats his jokes about marriage to Brian.
  • Peter and Brian making a podcast on Lois' arrest.
  • Peter explaining what Jerome is about to do before he does it.
  • Peter and Brian ripping random people's faces off.
  • Joe talking about how sloppy their coroner is.
  • Lois raping Peter Griffin.
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