Brian Walks an Old Broad
Con Heiress is an episode of Family Guy.


Brian pretends to care about a wealthy near-death old woman, so he can inherit her riches, when she dies. Meanwhile, Herbert falls in love with Peter.


Stewie sees Brian's picture in a society photograph in the paper and learns that he's been dating the rich older women. When he later also sees Brian sporting an expensive but out-of-style watch fob, he decides to get in on the action himself and they agree to try not to sabotage each other. But when they both set their sights on the most moneyed woman in town while at the Newport Yacht Club, they start to hover around in case her elderly husband should pass.

However, they find the husband is really Quagmire who is also waiting for her to die. Tired of catering to her, Quagmire agrees to a split if they can hasten her death but suggests they butt out if they can't handle it. When the news reports that she died suddenly of a heart attack, Quagmire warily credits them for carrying out the deed and hands over their half to her estate. During probate, they find she was millions of dollars in debt that they are now responsible for. Despite this, they celebrate still being alive as it is revealed that the heiress has faked her death to escape her debt and that she is really Meg in disguise, who celebrates the fact that it was another one of her episodes.

Meanwhile, Lois insists on Peter mowing the lawn and he agrees to teach Chris how to do it. But when Herbert sees him from the rear in his shorts, he believes him to be another teenager and offers Chris $600 to bring over his 'friend' to mow his lawn. Even when he meets him in person, he doesn't recognize Peter as an adult. Herbert soon begins focusing his attentions on him and Chris begins to feel ignored. He finally has enough of Peter goofing off while he works and they start to fight in front of Herbert, tearing their clothes off in the process. But when Chris calls him "dad," he realizes he's made a huge error and explodes. However, Herbert's dog Jesse gathers up a shred of him and plants it, allowing him to regrow in the manner of Groot from Guardian's of the Galaxy.


Major Roles

Minor Roles


  • Corey joins ISIS.
  • Herbert doesn't know who Peter is, despite them having interacted many times before.
  • Pip's full name is given as "Margaret Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trap Wykeham Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twilsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de la Roche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higby Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel 6 Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont Kincade Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlboro Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chatsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterbürger Bürgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis".
  • Seth MacFarlane won an Emmy for his outstanding voice performance in this episode.

Cultural References


Deleted Scenes

  • Extended version of "Grazing in the Grass", which includes Cleveland trying to get in on the action, only to wake up and realize it was all a dream.
  • Peter being a zookeeper with really big thighs.
  • Brian coming home with a diamond encrusted watch and Stewie turning his head again.
  • Extended dialogue of Chris explaining how Corey joined ISIS.
  • Peter reminding Chris about Herbert's "Fort Dix" joke.
  • Stewie explaining life hacks about "Octobering" in random different countries.
  • Stewie stating what the shocked old ladies are going to do before they do it.
  • Stewie breaking the fourth wall to segway into a commercial.
  • The passive aggressive alarm clock suggesting that the guy's wife is cheating on him.
  • Herbert finding candy behind Peter's ear.
  • Cutaway about a laughing hyena.
  • Quagmire saying that he knows how to bang a woman who can bang a dodo bird.
  • Quagmire asking who Stewie is and Stewie saying how much he loves shopping.
  • Extended scene of the freshly oiled hinge, where they sing her full name before Quagmire comments on it.



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