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Meg got a Christmas orgasm
Christmas is Coming is an episode of Family Guy.

Synopsis

When Meg takes Stewie to the mall to meet Santa, she has a surprising response, which mentally scars Stewie. Meanwhile, Peter takes up different jobs, when his job at the Brewery doesn't give him a bonus check.

Plot

Meg takes Stewie to the mall to see Santa but the mall Santa scares him. Meg tries to comfort him by sitting on the mall Santa's lap with him. However, as Santa bounces Stewie and Meg on his leg, Meg starts to derive orgasmic pleasure from the sensation and has a very gruesome orgasm right in front of Stewie, which only double-traumatizes him. Meg compares her orgasm to watching Jimmy Connors play tennis.

Meanwhile, Bert and Sheila hand out checks to their employees before Christmas break and Peter is disappointed when he doesn't get a bonus check and instead gets a free lifetime membership to Drunken Donuts, because now he doesn't have enough money to buy the presents for his family, he initially planned on. Bert and Sheila still refuse to give him a bonus check because of how bad of a worker he was, so Peter tries to get a bunch of other jobs to make enough money in time for Christmas.

Meg takes Stewie to the mall a second time just so she can sit on Santa's lap some more, but becomes appalled when she discovers Peter has taken the Santa job. She learns that her Santa has moved to a different mall, but when she drags Stewie there, she discovers it's still not her Santa. Her outburst results in her being banned from the mall and she eventually confesses to her parents about her experience. Despite Lois' advice that she'll never capture that same feeling again, Meg refuses to give up.

Brian tries to help Stewie get over his fear of Santa by dressing up and going into his room, telling him everything will be okay. This helps Stewie finally calm down get over his trauma. Although things end of nicely for Stewie, unfortunately for Brian, his generous act turns on him when Stewie, as well as Chris, asks for a new dog.

After getting fired from all his other jobs, Peter still doesn't have the money for the presents, so he goes to Bert and Sheilas's house during winter break and once again, begs for an actual bonus. Bert and Sheila explain to him that the real reason, why he's not getting a bonus is because of his greed, which is why they refuse to give him his bonus, as it'll only satisfy his desire to get everything he wants. Peter explains to them that he doesn't want the money for himself. He wants it for his family, so he can buy them the expensive gifts they want. This convinces Bert and Sheila that Peter isn't as greedy as they thought, so they give him his bonus check. Additionally, they say that he also gets to keep his lifetime membership to Drunken Donuts. The trio celebrates Christmas by going to Drunken Donuts and drunk off of eggnog-filled donuts.

Meg travels from mall to mall trying to find her Santa, but finally runs out of time on Christmas Eve. As she's about to leave, the real Santa arrives and offers her words of encouragement, saying that she doesn't need him to give her an orgasm because the real feeling of an orgasm was with her all along. All she needs to do is play with herself and she'll get an orgasm. Santa's departure in a broken down car leaves her wondering if it's really Santa or not. Santa assures her that because it's so close to Christmas, he can't waste any gas with his sleigh and instead uses his other car. As Santa struggles to start up his crappy old engine, Meg gives herself another Jimmy Connors orgasm on the tire of a nearby car, proving Lois' previous pessimistic statement to be wrong.

On Christmas day, the family opens up all the presents from Peter. This includes Chris and Stewie's new dog, which happens to be Vinny. Later, Meg is greeted by Jimmy Connors who crawled in through Stewie's window and offers her a gift of two tennis balls with the advice that if she ever needs him, she should rub his balls.

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Songs

Quotes

Principal Shepherd: And now, Adam West High School choir's original Christmas song, Die Hard. I see those looks. Yes, the movie was originally released in summer but it took place on Christmas eve, which makes it a Christmas film.
Peter: [takes out a rule book] I guess we don't need this for anything.

Chris: [singing to the tune of Silent Night] Yippee ki yay motherfucker! Yippee ki yay motherfucker!

Chris: Hey, Mr. Quagmire. Getting ready for the birth of Christ? ... WHICH HAPPENED!

Bert: To all of our workers at Pawtucket Brewery, we wish you a very merry Christmas,
Sheila: Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Diwali, and Tusli Pujan Diwas, depending in who you are,
Bert: But before you leave for winter break to celebrate your respective holiday,
Sheila: Or lack thereof,
Bert: We've got some holiday bonus checks for you guys, so you can spend your winter break, the way you're supposed to at this time of year,
Sheila: Buying expensive stuff.
Bert: Did we include everyone's the cultures here?
Sheila: Please tell us if we left anything out.
[A Jewish rabbi is shown in the crowd]
Jew: Not at all. I felt very included in that speech.
[The Jew gets dollar signs for eyes]
Jew: Now how 'bout them bonus shekels? You know how we like our money!

Peter: Alright, let's see how much I got for my paycheck.
[Peter opens his paycheck and finds a lifetime membership for Drunken Donuts]
Peter: What the? A lifetime membership to Drunken Donuts?
[Bert sticks his head on screen and breaks the fourth wall]
Bert: A subsidiary of Pawtucket Brewery.

Peter: Guys, what the hell? Where's my Christmas bonus check?
Bert: Peter, you didn't earn a bonus check this year.
Peter: What!? What did I do wrong?
Sheila: [shows Peter footage of him drinking beer from the factory] Peter, we have footage of you drinking tons of seasonal Christmas beer from our stock.
Peter: [on the video] I'm Jesus Christ at the first Christmas day! Merry Thanks-Christmas, pilgrims!
Sheila: And what's even worse is that that was our charity supply for orphan kids!
Peter: [in person] Aw, come on! I need this extra money! There's tons of awesome presents I wanna buy! This is the season of fancy expensive stuff!
Sheila: Wow, selfish much?
Bert: Normally, we let stuff like this slide during the holidays, but at our company Christmas dinner, you got high on mistletoe grass and devoured all of the food.
Peter: I left the fruitcake!
Sheila: And we thank you for that, Peter, but that grass was for everyone!

[Meg leaves the living room]
Lois: She's gone! Quick, let's take the picture for the Christmas card!
[The family takes a picture and the card ends up with a picture of Peter's ass pimple]
Peter: I sent the wrong picture to Walgreens.

Rabbi: I want a new TV and it can't be a Vizeo, Sony or Samsung only and I want it all set up before I turn it on. I don't wanna have to do any of the things!

Meg: [about to climax] Shut up, everyone! ... Shut up! SHUT UP! ... JUST SHUT UP!

Stewie: Meg, what are you doing? You look like mom, when she sits on the washing machine.

Lois: What's going on?
Meg: Mom, I think I met someone.
Lois: Oh, Meg, that's amazing! I wanna know all about him. What's his name?
Meg: Let's just call him "beard boy".
Lois: Ooooohhh! It's like I'm in Sex with the City.

[Brian tries to explain Meg's orgasm after seeing Stewie's picture]
Brian: Wow, okay, uh ... Stewie I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her "Little Mermaid" ... "Moana".

Stewie: Brian, would you hand me the fat man's fancy puking hat?
[Stewie barfs into the hat]
Stewie: God this hat is deep.
[Peter enters]
Peter: Oh, there's my hat. Kids, I'm off to the opera for my new job as Waldorf.
[Peter sits in an opera booth with Statler, from The Muppets; As he watches the opera, barf drips out of his hat and it seeps down his face]
Peter: Ugh, my hat stinks.
Statler: Yeah, and so does the opera.
[Both laugh]

Stewie: I've gotta hide!
[Stewie covers his eyes and Meg comes by to pick him up]
Stewie: How did she find me? That's my best hiding spot!

Stewie: Oh and by the way, Rupert, after what I saw, I know you've been faking it this whole time.

Stewie: Next road show, Stewie and Meg. Promise. [singing] We're off on a road to Ohio. [normal] "Hi" in the middle and round at both ends.

[Meg finds out Peter is a mall Santa]
Meg: Dad, I'm gonna ask you a question and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?
Peter: No.
Meg: Oh, thank God.
Peter: Now, Meg. I got a question for you. Is there really a weight limit for the escalator or did I just meet some mean kids?

Elf: Lady, I've been thrown into so many gongs, I don't even remember my own name.

Stewie: Santa's a good guy because he keeps a list? You know who else kept a list? Hitler!
Kid #2: Who's Hitler?
Kid #3: My uncle, who moved to the Idaho wilderness, says Hitler was a great man.

Meg: Stewie, when this is over, I'm buying you a new toy.
Stewie: Meg, when this is over, I'm putting rocks in my pockets and walking into the mall fountain.

Meg: How much longer is this gonna take?
Poor Timing Elf: I don't know. 400 minutes? One reason I work as a seasonal elf is I'm not great at time estimates.
Guy: [offscreen] Next.
Poor Timing Elf: See? 400 minutes! Even a broken clock is right six times a day.

[Meg rips the mall Santa's beard off]
Holden Caulfield: He's a PHONY! A great big PHONY!

Poor Timing Elf: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm gonna give you just 600 minutes to get out of here.
Meg: But you don't understand.
Poor Timing Elf: 1, 2, 7, 36, 483, W, 600 minutes! That's it! Security!
[Security instantly enters to take Meg away]
Poor Timing Elf: What took you so long?

[Stewie prepares to kill himself]
Stewie: Time to sleep in heavenly peace.

Woody: Wow! Looks like that baby is all wet!

[Brian pretends to be Santa]
Brian: Just try to have a good Christmas.
Stewie: Uh, speaking of that, I want a new dog.
Brian: What's ... wrong with the dog you have?
Stewie: Eh, he's okay. I just ... I just want a new one.
Brian: Maybe, you can spend more time wit-
Stewie: Nah. Want a new one. Thanks, Santa.

[Chris finds Brian dressed as Santa]
Chris: Oh my God! Santa! I want a new dog!
Brian: Oh, come on!

[Peter enters Meg's room]
Peter: There you are. I had a Hell of a time, finding your room.

Santa: I try to visit every mall at least once, during Christmas. Except for Long Island malls. Those people are a bit much.

Meg: I can't believe I ... you know, "grew up" all over you.
Santa: It's okay, Meg. You see, I know what each and every person needs for Christmas. For you, it was your first time seeing Jimmy Connors.

Meg: Alright, I'm gunna put my leg up on this back tire and take a shewee.
Santa: You know, you don't have to say everything out loud, Meg.

Jimmy Connors: Meg? Hi, Merry Christmas. I'm tennis bad boy, Jimmy Connors.
Meg: How did you get in here?
Jimmy Connors: I came in through your baby's window. You can just open it.
Stewie: [offscreen] Men are now just coming in at will!

Jimmy Connors: Meg, I think you're gonna be just fine, but just in case, here. I want you to have these.
[Jimmy gives Meg two tennis balls]
Meg: Your balls?
Jimmy Connors: That's right. Whenever you need me, just rub my balls and I'll come.

Trivia

  • Eleventh Christmas special, following "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas", "Holly Jolly Folly", "Road to the North Pole", "Christmas Guy", "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph", "The 2000-Year-Old Virgin", "How the Griffin Stole Christmas", "Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas", "Brian Come Home for Christmas", and "Griffin Winter Games".
  • This is the final episode of Family Guy to air in the 2010's.
  • This episode does not begin with the traditional Theme Song, (neither Christmas-themed or otherwise). Rather, it opens with "A Family Guy Christmas Special" being projected in the sky, before the camera pans down to Adam West High School.
  • The Christmas play has forcibly renamed the "Winter Choral Performance" because of what the school described as "that one family". The family is most likely The Goldman Family, as Adam West High School's student Neil Goldman, is the only student who doesn't celebrate Christmas, on account of being Jewish.
  • Principal Shepherd considers Die-Hard a Christmas movie, while Peter begs to differ.
  • Chris strongly believes in the legitimacy of The Nativity Story.
  • Seamus has a son, named Woody, who also lacks arms and legs.
  • Meg has her first orgasm, after being bounced on the knee of a Mall Santa.
    • Lois suggests that after her first time, she'll never truly enjoy an orgasm again. Despite this, Meg had another equally pleasurable orgasm, when humping a car tire, meaning that this amatory anhedonia must only apply to Lois.
  • Stewie has a full understanding of Meg having an orgasm, knowing exactly what it means, meaning he knows a lot more about sex in this episode than usual, so much so, that he understands it fully.
  • Stewie tries to convince Meg to not take him to the Mall Santa, by killing Lois for her in return. This is the first time, Stewie has expressed matricidal attempts in a while.
  • Stewie apparently has sex with Rupert, as he told him that he knows he's been faking his orgasms.
  • Stewie's bedroom window is always left unlocked, allowing for just about anyone to enter the house, through his room.
  • Stewie and Chris both want a new dog, apparently not being satisfied with Brian.
  • Peter smokes cigarettes.
  • This episode features the first time Brian and Vinny have been in the same room and directly interacted.

Cultural References

  • Peter getting a lifetime membership to Drunken Donuts instead of a bonus check is similar to a scene from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, where Clark Griswold got a lifetime membership to a jelly club instead of his expected bonus check.
  • Drunken Donuts is a parody on Dunkin Donuts.
  • Meg sees Jimmy Connors, whenever she has an orgasm.
  • Brian is forced to censor his own dialogue, in light of Disney buying FOX and uses the terms Little Mermaid and Moana as euphemisms for "vagina" and "orgasm", respectively.
  • Meg goes to a series of malls with punny names:

Continuity

  • Second episode, where Peter becomes a mall Santa, after "How the Griffin Stole Christmas".
  • Stewie sings "We're off on a road to Ohio", to the same tune as the song, "Road to Morroco", suggesting a future "Road to" episode with Meg. This same song was parodied in the previous "Road to" episode, "Road to Rhode Island", via the eponymous song, "Road to Rhode Island".
  • Chris and Stewie get Vinny Filipeli as their new dog for Christmas. This is a callback to Season 12's story arc, where Brian was killed and replaced with Vinny. Additionally, Stewie tells Brian to go play in traffic and adds that this Christmas, "[he's] keeping it this way." This is an ominous reference to the episode, "Christmas Guy", where Stewie went back in time to save Brian's life, bringing him back to the family just in time for Christmas. Apparently, what he's implying is that this Christmas, he wants Brian to die again and stay that way, so that he can keep Vinny forever.

Deleted Scenes

  • Numerous extended establishing shots.
  • Numerous extended dialogue blocks.
  • Quagmire inquiring about a woman who wears a swimsuit for a bra.
  • Seamus breaking the fourth wall to say that Woody will become a recurring character.
  • Extended shot of the Christmas card picture.
  • Extended scene of Stewie running away from Santa.
  • Extended scene of Meg's orgasm.
  • A woman makes an "I'll have what she's having gag" and a taco stand guy responding to her.
  • Lois wondering why the window is so foggy.
  • Cutaway gag about Subway.
  • Extended scene of Stewie having a PTSD flashback to Meg having an orgasm.
  • Stewie having a thought bubble about
  • Extended shot of the picture of Meg having an orgasm.
  • Extended scene of Stewie barfing into Peter's hat.
  • Stewie commenting on how deep Peter's hat is.
  • Stewie telling Rupert that he wished for blended vitamins.
  • Stewie telling Rupert that he knows he was faking all his orgasms.
  • A girl mistaking Meg for a boy and saying that she saw her pee in the girl's bathroom.
  • Meg promising to buy Stewie a new toy.
  • A cop saying that Meg is banned from all the malls in the district, as well as saying that he was given his power by Paul Blart.
  • Extended dialogue of Seamus laughing at Woody.
  • Stewie wondering what he'll see on his first orgasm.
  • Extended dialogue of Brian telling Stewie to spend more time with his dog. In the cut version, it makes it so that Stewie cuts him off.
  • Peter offering Meg a regular cigarette instead of a tobacco eclair.
  • Cutaway gag about Peter playing football for Joe Paterno.
  • Meg asking to pee in a mall cop's cup of Jamba Juice.
  • Meg commenting on how full the cup of Jamba juice is.
  • Dialogue trimming of Santa teaching Meg the true meaning of Christmas.
  • Santa giving Meg some suspiciously specific denial about not being the real Santa.

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