Family Guy Fanon Wiki

Brian Quagmire Cat Store.jpg

Cat Fight is an episode of Family Guy.


When Quagmire opens a cat café in town, Brian decides to take a stand to get the café shut down. Meanwhile, when Meg and Chris get in trouble at school, Lois becomes nervous and decides they need to go to church camp in order to find their way.


Quags Cats.jpg

To fill a perceived need in town, Quagmire decides to open a cat cafe. However, he places it next to Brian's favorite bar, which causes friction between the two so Brian vows to shut it down. Making an argument that it's a health hazard, Brian actually succeeds in getting it shut down until the board of health can rule on it. However, this backfires when Brian is no longer allowed in his favorite bar either.

Quagmire suddenly has to live with all of the cats from the cafe but find he's unprepared to take care of so many. To put an end to Brian's snappishness, Stewie gets the idea to have him poses an emotional support animal so he can get into anywhere so long as they're together, but when they get into a spat when Brian refuses to supply actual emotional support, Stewie abandons him. Returning to home, he comes upon Quagmire burning the deceased bodies of his cats and they start to fight. But when Brian is struck by a passing bus, Quagmire stops to patch him up. as the chat, Quagmire admits he wanted to be known for something good instead of just being the town sex maniac. To cheer him up, Brian puts on his emotional support animal vest to go for a walk with him.

Welcome to Bible Camp.jpg

Meanwhile, when Chris and Meg get into trouble at school, when Meg gets crossed in the bathroom, after getting both high and drunk off of vape and Pawtucket Patriot Ale, respectively and Chris has sex with a girl in the parking lot. Peter and Lois speak to Father Bob about the issue and he blames it on a lack of religion so he suggest they send Chris and Meg to a Christian camp and joins in with them. there they are all handed contracts to sign pledging no masturbation, drugs or alcohol. They also end up in a mass baptism, and Lois decides it's time to escape. she steals the head counselors car keys while pretending to lead the camp in prayer. As Chris snoozes is on the way home, Lois shares with Meg that religion is only for dumb people like Chris, but they are too smart for it. Between bad-mouthing her brother and religion, Meg considers her mother to be a monster.

Things return to normal when the board lifts the ban on animals in public places, but Meg has fled the family to Japan to live with an anime family where she is treated just as badly as before.


Major Roles

Minor Roles


Quagmire: This little oogy woogy is my friend, Albertine, who thinks she's French. She loves to smoke and feels it's not truly a meal, unless you've served bread. [to Albertine] Isn't that right? You gotta serve bread?
Cleveland: I don't believe she's ever said any of that.

Peter: Lois, you know I love you like a brother, but I'm not doing that.

Peter: Wait a minute. You got any booze in that bag, young lady?
Meg: No sir!
Peter: Well, then. How ya gunna make any friends at camp?
[Peter gives Meg a couple bottles of tonic and gin]
Peter: There ya go. [hands her some condoms] Oh, and give these to Chris. Who knows? He might get lucky with a cute little church girl.

Quagmire: If it's a fight you want, you got one. I will squash you like a bug!
[The TV gets turned off and a family of bugs is watching it]
Father Bug: Well, that's enough of that show.
Son Bug: But dad! We wanna see what happens at Christian camp!
Father Bug: Alright, but they're on thin ice.

Chris: Why are all these trees bunched together?
Lois: Those are woods, Chris.
Chris: I only like rooms.

Lois: What a lovely setting.
Vera: Yes, the fresh air really helps clear your mind of thoughts of Tom Selleck.

Chris: Say, corporal. What are you writing in your diary?
Meg: It's private ... Take a look.
[Peter watches them through the window and then breaks the fourth wall]
Peter: Now, that's some good clean fun. Also, in the 1940's, six million Jews died.
[The TV turns off again and the bug family watches it again]
Father Bug: That's it! We're done. This show is not for The Bugsteins.

Vera: Remember, history says that Jesus does not look like a traditional man from the middle east, but rather someone who sells raw milk online.

Vera: I'd like to move on to having you all sign your contracts with God.
Lois: Contracts with God?
Vera: Yep, it's a written commitment, to forgo all alcohol, drugs, and self-pleasure.
Chris: Self-pleasure?
Vera: Yep, no more playing games with The Devil's joystick.
Chris: ... Yeah, I'm gunna have my lawyer look at this.
[Chris is with his lawyer, who's revealed to be Maury Beverly from Big Mouth]
Maury: Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Tell that bitchy, albeit big breasted fox of a councilor, that you are not doing this.

[Vera baptizes people in the lake]
Vera: Sister Lois.
Lois: Uh, no thanks.
Vera: Oh, come on.
[Vera chases Lois around and tries to force her in; They talk at the same time]
Vera: Let's go in, Lois. You need to get baptized in holy water. The sooner you do this, the sooner it gets done.
Lois: No, seriously no. You'd have no way of knowing this, but I'm actually having a very good hair day. When I get wet, I tend to look like a frazzled Sandra Bullock from one of her comedies.
[Vera dunks Lois and she looks like Sandra Bullock]
Lois: My ex-husband had Nazi paraphernalia and he left me.

Vera: Brother Meg.
Meg: It's Sister Meg.
Vera: Now, now. Identifying as another gender, makes you part of the LGBT community, and you know how God feels about that.
Meg: Wouldn't God technically be considered Asexual?
[Vera dunks Meg and holds her under there for a while]
Lois: ... Uh, Vera? ... Ok-Okay, Vera. I think she's good ... Vera? ...
[Another woman walks up]
Woman: Uh, Vera? I think it's my turn now.
Vera: Just give me a second!
Lois: Oh, boy.
Chris: Yeah, we're for sure getting a repeat of what she did to Sister Chi Hwung.
[The corpse of a Chinese woman floats past them in the background]

Stewie: So, I said "That shirt looks really good on you." and he says "Thanks, my boyfriend got it for me." It's like, whoa! All I said was "I like the shirt." and he has to drop "boyfriend" like a nuclear bomb? I never asked about his preferences. I mean, that's on him, right?

Lois: Okay, we're getting out of this place tonight. Everyone clear on the plan?
Chris: [offscreen] Yep, Meg and I switch faces, like in the movie, Face Off?
Lois: No.
[Screen reveals that Chris and Meg have switched faces]
Chris: Oh, ... then we have an issue.
Meg: I told you, we should've asked mom first.

Lois: The first one to open their eyes is gay.
[A little boy sits there, praying with his eyes closed]
Boy: [in his head] Jeez, this is taking a really long time. When is this finally gunna stop? I'm bored ... but I can't open my eyes. That makes me gay ... However, she only said the first person who opens his eyes is gay. So, if I open my eyes after that, I'm still normal.
[Boy opens his eyes]
Boy: [in his head] Now, who here is the queer?
[Boy looks around the room to see if anyone else has opened their eyes]
Boy: [in his head] Hmm, looks like everyone else is till praying, ... but then that means ... Oh, crap! ...
Boy: [sigh]
Moose: [offscreen] Psst. Up here.
[The screen shows a mounted moose head on the wall]
Moose: My eyes are open too. How 'bout you and I ditch this joint, ... together?
[Romantic montage of the boy and the moose going on gay dates that end in sex]

[Lois, Chris, and Meg escape Bible Camp]
Lois: Yes! We did it! We've successfully escaped.
[Max, Neil, and Nikki from "Camp Camp" appear next to them]
Max: And thanks for helping us get past security. We've been trying to escape that shitty camp for months!
Chris: No problem. Anything for the cast of a more fresh and culturally relevant version of South Park.

[Lois drives the car, with Meg riding shotgun and Chris, asleep in the back]
Lois: Ugh, good riddance, Christian family camp.
Meg: Totally. I will say, though. It seemed like Chris enjoyed himself there.
Lois: Well, Meg, you know Chris is [whispering] a little bit dumb. [normal] And I know you're not particularly popular or beautiful but you do have a head on your shoulders, so religion isn't gunna be for people like you and me. It's basically for [whispering] stupid people like Chris. [normal] So, to summarize: religion for you and me, no good. But [whispering] for idiots like Chris, [normal] perfect.
[Chris wakes up]
Chris: What are you guys talking about?
Lois: How handsome you are.
Chris: Really?
Lois: Swear to God.
Meg: [to Lois] You're a monster.

Lois: Well, I'm glad you get to go out in public again, Brian.
Brian: I'm glad you, Chris, and Meg are back from that Christian camp. Hey, where is Meg, anyway?
Stewie: Do you really miss her?
Brian: No, I'm just asking, where is she?
Lois: Oh, she was so mad I dragged her to Christian camp, she ran away to live with a Japanese family.
[Cutaway to Meg, eating noodles with an Anime family]
Meg: Thanks again for letting me live with you guys.
Anime Mom: Of course, Meg. Anything to replace the void, left behind by Chi Hwung.
[The mom looks sadly at a picture of the late Chi Hwung and a teardrop rolls down her face in typical dramatic anime fashion]
Anime Mom: Sayonara, Chi Hwung. We miss you rong time.
[The patriarch of the Anime family enters]
Anime Dad: Welcome to the famiry, Meg!
[Anime Dad farts on Meg and everyone laughs at her]
Anime Dad: Famiry Guy over on FOX-u!


  • Brian criticizes the long-known design of the house's living room, taking shots at it's purple couch and pictures of mountains on the wall. Stewie notes that the pictures on the wall are of Mt. Quahog.
  • Peter captures the ghost of Mayor Adam West out of Heaven and brings him down to Earth. Pre-existing voice clips of Adam West screaming are used to emulate him actually coming back from the dead.
  • Lois expresses some very Atheistic beliefs about religion, saying that religion is only for dumb people (like Chris), proving that she must be an Atheist. This contradicts her previous devotion to Christianity, especially episodes like "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven", where she got mad at Brian for being an Atheist, saying "We believe in God in this house." Things must have changed, since then.
  • The Japanese Family that Meg goes to live with, live in a very beautifully drawn house, that actually commits to the Anime style in a respectably accurate way. They must have gotten an animator, who works on drawing backgrounds in Anime shows to do this because it's actually really, really good.
  • In the original script, the side plot was going to be about Lois and Kimi getting into a cat fight. However, this was replaced by the story of Chris and Meg going to church camp.

Cultural References

  • This episode's abandoned side plot has a similar premise to the Seinfeld episode, "The Summer of George".
  • The lost boys of the Sudan that stand in for Meg and Chris in gym class is a reference to the roughly 20,000 young boys displaced during the 1987 Sudan civil war, about half of which died during the journey to refuge in Kenya. Some 4000 of these made it to the United States in 2001.
  • The Barista-Cats is a pun on the Walt Disney film The Aristocats.
  • Walking home after being abandoned by Stewie, Brian grumbles about kibbles and bits, quoting a long-running phrase for the dog food of the same name.
  • Peter catches West with a proton pack from Ghostbusters and suggests they hold him until they get around to getting a new mayor.
  • "Fernando" by ABBA plays during the gay buy's date with the moose head.
  • Tom Tucker tries to get "We Built This City" by Starship stuck in the audience's head.
  • Quagmire says that he can't perform on Saturday Night Live as he is not Silverchair, mentioning the band who appeared on the December 9, 1995 episode.


  • After Brian gets hit by a bunch of cars, another car that drives by was the same car that killed him in "Life of Brian", driving down the same street once again, but this time, just missing him, as he was already struck by two other cars before it came by.

Deleted Scenes

  • Alternate take on Lois finding out the kids need to go to church camp, when the internet automatically suggests she goes there.
  • Peter getting into an "awkward campfire" argument with a councilor.
  • Quagmire describing his worst nightmare to Brian.
  • Alternate take on Peter giving beer to Meg, where he gives the beer to Chris.
  • Shortened dialogue of Brian protesting Barista Cats.
  • Peter announcing that it takes longer for him to wipe and finding out he has a brown crayon up his ass.
  • Lois commenting on how frighteningly specific Vera's joke about Tom Selleck is.
  • Tom and Tricia doing a news report on Brian's protest against The Barista Cats.
  • Stewie helping Brian protest and not being allowed to eat fruit roll ups.
  • Stewie and Brian doing a fiber commercial for a product called Gurglemax, where they use code words for "poop", such as "fiber" and "active".
  • Peter giving Quagmire a wool sweater of Minnie Mouse and getting covered in tons of cats.
  • Brian asking about the emotional support animal and Stewie saying the letters are iron on.
  • Stewie working at Office Depot.
  • Quagmire not knowing where to put the corpse of Alberta.
  • Stewie finding the brown crayon that was up Peter's butt.