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Horace in a Burning Building
Blind Ambition is the eighth episode of season three of Family Guy. It is the forty-eighth episode, overall.

Synopsis

Peter goes blind after swallowing a bunch of nickels. Meanwhile, Quagmire gets arrested for peeping in the women's restroom.

Plot

TBA

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Quotes

Cleveland: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfaction watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins.
Joe: Can't blame 'em for being self-righteous. The black balls in their neighborhood aren't invited.
Cleveland: The black ball's done nothin' wrong.
Joe: If the black ball's innocent, the black ball's got nothing to fear.

Mort: Say no to acid!

Lois: Well, well. Look who's here.
Peter: Alright, alright. Look. I know an apology is due here, so, Lois, tell Quagmire, you're sorry you had him arrested.

Loretta: We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.
Bonnie: Yeah, I don't wanna bring a new baby into the world with him running around.
Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like, six years. Alright? Either have the baby or don't.

[Quagmire hallucinates things as sexy woman and Meg gets in the way]
Quagmire: Meg, get out of the way.

[Brian wears a cone]
Stewie: Okay, okay, if I make this, we're all gunna get laid.
[Stewie throws a ball of paper into Brian's cone]
Stewie: Ha ha! Yes! Score! Score!
Brian: Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.

Lois: What's the matter, Glenn?
Quagmire: Uh, nothing!
Loretta: Nothing my ass.
Quagmire: PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT!
Loretta: You're horny again.

Quagmire: Where am I? Am I dead?
Security Guard: No. This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
Quagmire: You don't say. Man, some Hell of a job, you got, huh?
Security Guard: It would be. If I wasn't gay. My straight twin brother, David monitors the changing rooms in men's clothing stores.
Quagmire: Your twin brother's name is Dave too?
Security Guard: [looks at name tag] Whoops. We forgot to switch name tags.

Quagmire: What the Hell's CPR?

Peter: Give a larbage. Throw out your garbage.

Tom: The man who held the Guinness world record for most drugs ever done by a single human being died today. He was attacked by a pack of wild dogs he thought he saw.

Peter: Everybody. You're looking at a guy who's gunna set a new world record.
Chris: Actually, I'm looking at you.
Meg: He is the one breaking the record, idiot.
Chris: Oh. Are you gunna break the record for world's fattest woman?
Meg: How could he even do that? He's a man.
Chris: Shhh. The public doesn't need to know that.

Meg: Dad, I just don't hear it.
Peter: Come on!
Brian: Really, Peter. It just doesn't-
Peter: You're telling me that doesn't sound like Camptown Races.
Brian: Not one bit.
Chris: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Do Short People!

Stewie: Hey, ladies. Check out this ride, huh? Yeah. I'm off to make trouble for the establishment.

[Peter and Lois are in their bedroom but it's being shown from outside]
Peter: [offscreen] I love you, Lois.
Lois: [offscreen] Oh, I love you too, Peter. Even if you are full of nickels.
Peter: [offscreen] Good night, Lois.

Peter: Oh my God, Lois, I'm blind as a bat! I can't see a damn thing!
[Vern shows up]
Vern: You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead and TV's the box they're gunna bury it in. Back then, everyone had a specialty. I for one am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop.
[Vern tries and fails to jump through a hoop]
Vern: Vamp! Vamp!
[Johnny plays him off]

Lois: So, we're all gunna have to pitch in and help your father out, now that he's lost his sight.
Chris: Good thing I've been practicing my sign language.
Lois: Chris, that's for if he's deaf.
Peter: Don't worry, Chris. I'll probably lose my hearing later.

Meg: I can't believe we seriously have to take care of dad because he's blind!
Lois: Meg, you watch your mouth, young lady! Your father's disabled! You should be more respectful!
Meg: Oh, yeah? Nobody was respectful to me, when I lost my arms and legs and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb!
[Cutaway gag to Meg as a stupid, senseless amputee, laying on the couch, while Peter reads a Cracked magazine next to her]
Meg: [incoherent moaning]
Peter: [happily] Hey, hey Meg. They got a Happy Days spoof in here, but they call it "Crappy Days"! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! Ahhh, ...
Meg: [incoherent moaning]
Peter: [desperately trying to make her laugh] Ge ... Get it, because ... they took happy and replaced it with ...
Meg: [incoherent moaning]
Peter: [angered] Alright, you know what? If you're not gunna laugh, then I'm not gunna keep you company.
[Peter leaves and Meg's limp body painfully drops to the ground]
Meg: [incoherent agonized scream]

Peter: This sucks. Now the only thing anybody's gunna remember me for after I die is being that blind guy.
Brian: Don't give up yet, Peter. I mean, many blind people lead rich fulfilling lives.
Peter: Oh, I don't know, Lois. I mean, I guess I could give it a shot.

[Stewie uses a piece of furniture to trip blind Peter]
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh my God! I almost didn't do it! I almost didn't do it! I thought "Is this in bad taste?" but you know what? I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did. Ah, worth it. Totally worth it.

[Peter gets into bed with Chris, thinking it's Lois' bed]
Peter: Hey. You still awake, Lois, honey?
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right. I'm your daddy.
Chris: Uh, Dad, I-
Peter: Shh-shh-shh-shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work.
Chris: [whimper]
Peter: Yeah, now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs, running down your big man like chest and all the way down to your thick, long, gargantuan-HOLY CRAP, IT'S CHRIS!
[Peter gets out of bed]
Chris: [scared] Yep, that was me, alright.
Peter: [scared] Uh, uh, so, uh, how ya doing?
Chris: [scared] Good?
Peter: [nervous] That's good ... Did ya do all your homework?
Chris: [nervous] Yep.
Peter: [nervous] Finish all your subjects?
Chris: [nervous] Yes, sir.
Peter: [nervous] Good. Just uh, just checkin'. [awkwardly backs away] Have a good night, son.
[Peter leaves Chris' room]
Peter: [offscreen] You still awake, honey?
Stewie: [offscreen] What the deuce?

[God accidentally lights a woman on fire]
God: JESUS CHRIST!
Jesus: What?

Tom: And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend from that burning building?
Peter: THAT FREAKIN' PLACE WAS ON FIRE!?

Trivia

Cultural References

Deleted Scenes

  • Quagmire going in blackface to get chicks with jungle fever.
  • Mort regretting not clothes-pinning the end of his penis.
  • News report on Quagmire peeping on Lois in the bathroom.
  • Peter marrying a slice of pie.
  • Cleveland suggesting that Peter land on Joan Cusack.
  • Peter landing on Joan Cusack.
  • Crackle and Pop mourning over the death of Snap.
  • The world's fattest twins.
  • Stewie wasting his money on tricking out his big wheel.
  • Peter lives with Superman.
  • Lois doesn't wear makeup, when Peter is blind and Brian tries to make her get naked.
  • Tom says that audiences can watch him shave.
  • Stupid Star Wars parody, where Peter gets awarded a medal from Adam West.
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