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Better Off Meg
Better Off Meg is an episode of Family Guy.

Synopsis

When Meg hears that she's falsely been pronounced dead, she decides to leave her family and start a new life.

Plot

Meg goes to school and nobody is there except for Principal Shepherd, who is riding a tricycle around the school. Confused as to why she's there, Shepherd tells her that it's a skip day, which is news to Meg, as nobody told her before. Meg goes home and asks if anyone else knew it was skip day only to find out that nobody's at home either. Meg calls Lois to ask where she is. Lois is with the rest of the family, playing a game of ring toss on the pier, accompanied by a barrel with Meg's iconic pink beanie hat and a brunette wig. The family believes that the barrel is Meg, so when they get a call from the real Meg, they don't believe the caller is her. Peter tests Meg to see if it's really her and asks what her birthday is. Meg answers truthfully, "March 23rd, 1995", (which is today, but on 2020 obviously. Otherwise she'd be a baby.) Not knowing her birthday, Peter doesn't know whether to believe her or not and hangs up. The family then goes off with the barrel and go through a montage of fun times together. These things include jumping on a trampoline, riding in a convertible, and taking pictures in a photo booth.

Having been ditched on her birthday, Meg goes bowling alone. She goes up to Bruce, who's on good terms with her and recognizes her as a regular customer, knowing her oddly mismatched shoe size without needing to ask. Bruce asks for her ID and Meg gives it to her and Bruce sees that it's her birthday before tossing it into the fishbowl of IDs. Meg goes to the bowling alley and finds a trio of dismembered finger tips in the bowling ball holes. A girl comes up with a bucket full of ice in one hand and her other hand, which is all bloody and mutilated other, wedged under her armpit. The girl claims that the fingers belong to her and takes them to the hospital with her, as she's about to leave the bowling alley. Meg rolls in for a bowl and gets a strike on her first try.

Meanwhile, the girl drives the car with her bucket full of fingers and ice next to her. However, it's hard for her to drive her car with some of her fingers missing. As if she wasn't driving poorly enough, she stupidly feels the need to take out her phone and start texting, while driving, leading to her swiftly swerving directly into a telephone pole. Her cat blows up and she gets set on fire, hideously burning her body beyond recognition. When she drops to the floor, her phone falls into the sewer. Her license plate is also destroyed beyond recognition in the fire, leaving behind pretty much nothing to identify her with, except for the ID that fell out of her pocket and landed on the ground, safely and tainted only by some washable blood stains.

Later that evening, The Griffin Family watches a news report on the incident, where Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney announce that a Jane Doe has been killed in a car accident and her information will not be revealed unless the family gives people consent. Joe comes to the house and sadly tells The Griffins that Meg has died. The reason why he says this is because the aforementioned car accident had her ID there. The Griffins wonder how she could be dead if she's right there and then the wind blows the hat and wig off of the barrel. Not caring about Meg's privacy, allow for this to be mentioned on the news. Meg overhears this news, while she's at the bowling alley snack bar and freaks out, wondering why the news is falsely reporting on her death. Bruce discovers that he accidentally gave Meg's ID to the girl, when she left, so that when she died later that day, she was mistaken as the person who the ID really belonged to. Bruce looks through the fishbowl of IDs and finds the actual ID of the girl, this being Lauren Wheeler.

Meg's funeral is poorly attended by only her immediate family and a handful of neighbors and is even more insultingly executed as nobody at the funeral exhibits any knowledge on who she was as a person. They used an image of the barrel as her photo display and as for her pamphlet, her picture was an error message reading "Error:"Meg_Griffin.exe" File Not Found" Meg secretly observed her own funeral from the second floor of the church, hiding herself by dressing as a nun and covering her face with the pamphlet. Meg is disappointed on how horrible of a funeral she's having and decides that if her family really doesn't care about her enough to give her a proper sendoff, then there's no need for her to come back and reveal she's still alive. She decides to skip town and start a new life outside of Quahog.

Moving to a new town, Meg meets new friends and Keyser Soze's name of Natalie Hallway, but spinning lies about her background soon begins to wear on her.

Meanwhile, Chris becomes Big Man on Campus at school. But when Meg gets homesick, she gives him a call and reveals her secret. However, rather than helping her, he shoves her into a moving van and sends her away, where she finds herself tied up in a warehouse while her memorial service at school is happening. She bangs her head on the concrete floor until she creates a pool of blood to allow her to slide out of the warehouse and heads to the school. There, she tries to point out that Chris is the cause of her situation, but is not believed until he confirms her story but she is still relegated as secondary. However, she does get to hear that her mother and Brian do love her, and later her mom admits she knew she was faking it. Lois goes on to explain that women fake a lot of things like orgasms and being concerned about their husbands promotions. as Peter brags about his new promotion at work she offers to make him egg salad. when Chris questions this Peter tells him that he just fix it just like orgasms and liking her egg salad, which he feeds to a raccoon. A raccoon outside with its offspring explains the faking again with orgasms and pretending to like egg salad.

Characters

Major Roles

Minor Roles

Quotes

[Meg calls her family and they don't believe it's her]
Peter: Okay, Meg. If this is you. What's your birthday?
Meg: March 23rd, 1995.
Peter: I have no idea if that's correct. Good day, sir.

[Meg gets some bowling shoes from Bruce]
Bruce: Meeeeg! So, enjoying your skip day?
Meg: Hey, Bruce. Yeah, I actually like just found out there was no school today.
Bruce: Oh nooo! That means you must have went to school and missed some extra hours of sleepy time.
Meg: Yeah, but it's all good. The usual, please.
Bruce: Here you are. Ladies 7 on the left and men's 11 on the right.

Bruce: Ooooh and happy birthday!

[Meg dumps some dismembered fingers out of her bowling ball; Lauren enters]
Meg: Ew.
Lauren: Sorry, those are mine. Got a bit too into the game. [laughs] [serious] Uh, I'm gunna need those back.
Meg: Oh here. [gives them to Lauren] You know, what you should do is-
Lauren: Put them on ice. I know. [puts her fingers in a bucket of ice] You know, it feels weird having an ice bucket and not using it for a challenge.

[Meg watches a crappy bowling alley animation of a cowboy bowling ball violently slaughtering a tribe of Native American bowling pins]
Bruce: We have not updated those.

[Lauren drives to the hospital with her dismembered fingers in an ice bucket]
Lauren: Alright. Only two miles to the hospital. Man, driving without two fingers and one thumb on my left hand is hard. I should Tweet that. [takes out her phone while driving, causing her car to swerve more]
[Laren's car crashes into a telephone pole and the car explodes; Lauren comes out burning in flames]
Lauren: AAAAAAAH!!! THIS IS HORRIBLE! ... I CAN'T TEXT AS GOOD EITHER!

Joe: Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.
Lois: What!?
Peter: What are you talking about? Meg's right here!
[The wind blows Meg's off of the barrel]
Peter: You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.
Chris: Or when we rented that convertible.

[Tom reads Meg's ID]
Tom: 156 pounds, yikes!

Meg: Wait, Bruce, did you give my ID to the wrong girl?
Bruce: Uh-oh. Did I? [over the mic] May I have yall's attention, please? There's been a bit of a oopsie daisy with me givin' someone the wrong ID. My bad. Yall, please come to the fishbowl to check your ID, so I can see who's it is.
[Everyone swarms the fishbowl and gets their ID, leaving one behind and Meg picks it up; The ID is shown to belong to Lauren Wheeler]
Meg: [reading the ID] Lauren Wheeler. [cut back to her] Aw, come on, Bruce. This chick looks nothing like me.
Bruce: Sorry, them shoe spray fumes made me all goofy in my head. [inhales shoe spray] I still sober. This ain't cheatin'. Oh, this is me being sober!

Tom: Again, for those of you in a new scene, Meg Griffin dead.

[The Griffins are at Meg's funeral]
Peter: Lois, can you believe these seats? Front row!

Principal Shepherd: Meg Griffin was an honest man. A kind man. A man who knew how ...
[A woman whispers something in his ear]
Principal Shepherd: Oh my stars! I have nothing.

[Brian and Stewie are at Meg's funeral]
Brian: I feel bad. There's nobody here.
Stewie: I know. We're not even here.
[Brian and Stewie are shown to be holographic projections of themselves; Their real selves are at Chuck E. Cheese]
Stewie: This was the right decision.

[Meg opens a church closet and sees Father Newman molesting an altar boy]
Meg: Ooh, sorry.
Father Newman: Don't you know what a rosary on a doorknob means!?

Lois: Before we eat. Would anyone like to say something about Meg?
[Dead silence]
Brian: Okay, I feel all of you looking at me, so here goes. Meg, wherever you are, I hope that you're with Bubba. I want you to know that Lieutenant Dan is walking around ...
Stewie: Is this from Forrest Gump?

Not Important: Hi, new neighbor. I just thought I'd come by and see if I could borrow a cup of tampons.
Meg: Sure. Just bring them back when you're done. No rush.

[Meg comes up with a false name after running away from her family]
Meg: My name is ... [sees a hallway] ... Hallway. Natalee Hallway.

Not Important: Natalee, these are my friends, Girl and Other Girl.
Meg: Do you know anyone with an actual name?
Girl: Well, there's Lauren but she's not here today for some reason.
Other Girl: Yeah, what's up with that? She hasn't returned any of my texts since she went off to go bowling in Quahog.

[Meg sits on her hemmerhoid]
Meg: YOOOOOOW! What a view!

Girl: Wow, Natalee Hallway. When did you get so good at bowling?
Meg: Oh, I used to play a lot back in Qua ... rea.
Girl: Wow. You lived in Korea?
Meg: Yep, when I was with the embassy.
Other Girl: So, was that before or after you were one of the first black women to do math for NASA?
Meg: Yes.

Boy: Hey, Griffin. I heard you scored with the girls' basketball team, yesterday.
Chris: Yup. 12 points and 8 rebounds.
Boy: Nice. And I also heard you had sex with them after.
Chris: Sure did.
Boy: [fist bumps Chris] My man.

Chris: ALIVE!?
Meg: Chris, you already know that part.

Principal Shepherd: Good morning students, we are gathered here for two reasons today. One, to mourn the loss of Meg Griffin and two, to find the owner of this X-Men water bottle someone left in woodshop. Does anyone recognize it?
Student: I'll take it.
Principal Shepherd: That's not what I asked.

Stewie: This gym is sad. If you haven't won a championship since 1982, just take the banner down.

[Meg's life flashes before her eyes and none of her memories actually feature herself]
Meg: I'm not in any of these! Oh, come on! I was in the Kingsman fight! That could have been in there. I can do stuff. I ... I can be part of a comedy team. Look. [talking to herself] Hey, Chris. Who's on first? A baseball player! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Meg slams her face against the floor until she goes bloody]
Meg THIS! BIT! CAN BE! IN THE HIGHLIGHT! VIDEO!

Principal Shepherd: I think we can all agree that John is entitled to take whichever student he wishes home with him tonight.

Principal Shepherd: The Quiznos across the street has graciously taken out a full-page ad in the yearbook that will feature a dedication page to Meg.

Lois: Oh my God, Meg! I'm so glad you're alive! What happened?
Meg: He did this! [points to Chris]
Principal Shepherd: Are you saying Chris saved your life?

Principal Shepherd: This calls for a celebration! Alright, everyone, throw confetti and ruin the janitor's weekend!

Chris: I owe my sister an apology. I shouldn't have treated her the way I did and I think if Meg were here today, she'd be the first one to agree.
Meg: I AM HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE!
Chris: Anyway Meg, wherever you are, I'm sorry.

Brian: I'm just really glad this whole ordeal is over.
[Brian takes out his walkie-talkie]
Stewie: [over the walkie-talkie] Glad this whole ordeal is what? Over.
[Laugh track laughs]
Meg: COME ON!

Lois: Women fake a lot of things. You fake your death. I fake orgasms and being impressed by my husband's accomplishments at work.
Peter: Hey, Lois. Guess who got to erase the whiteboard in a meeting today?
Lois: Oh my! I think someone's earned himself Mama Lois' famous egg salad! Huh?
Peter: Oh yum! Oh, today just keeps getting better and better.
Chris: Dad, I thought you hated mom's egg salad.
Lois: Chris, part of being a man is faking things like faking things and pretending to like your mom's egg salad.

Songs

Trivia

  • Meg's birthday is March, 23rd.
  • Meg is a dedicated customer at Quiznos Subs and was even pronounced the restaurant's "Loyalty King".
  • Meg weighs 156 pounds.
  • Bruce is a recovering alcoholic, who inhales shoe disinfectant as a substitute for drinking.
  • Meg's tombstone lists her birth and death dates as "1999 - Season 18", which is a fourth wall joke, referencing to how long the show has been on the air.
  • An unnamed neighbor lives down the street and owns an unseen dog named Rufus.
  • Meg needs to sit on hemorrhoid donuts.
  • Principal Shepherd uses a driver's ed car as his real car.
  • Chris locks Meg into a van and sends her away to prolong her disappearance and continue the ruse that she's dead just so that he can continue to be popular. This is the first time in the series Chris has done anything unarguably villainous, thereby giving every single member of The Griffin Family a history of villainy, as of this episode.

Cultural References

Continuity

Deleted Scenes

  • Peter describes the way Joe is dressed and holding his hat.
  • Tom says that he has some sand stuck to his butt.
  • Joe says that he leveled up in Fortnite.
  • Joe talks about how Meg's Quiznos coupon.
  • Peter hopes the priest dances on stage with him.
  • Father Newman compares death to Trivial Pursuit.
  • Chris asks for stamps from a girl.
  • Extended version of Peter telling Lois to stop crying.
  • Brian crying and Peter telling him to stop crying.
  • Stewie talks about how Meg abuses toilet paper.
  • Meg and Not Important joking about hemorrhoid donuts.
  • Meg sitting on her hemorrhoid.
  • Lois making phallic Christmas cookies, which causes Stewie to do the same thing as an adult.
  • Chris eating a guy's orange.
  • Chris mentioning that Peter got a peloton he doesn't use.
  • Principal Shepherd asking people which character is on the X-Men bottle.
  • John Mayer coming in to play music for Meg's funeral.
  • Peter needing to be supported by both elbows.
  • Meg wearing dark-soled shoes on the gym floor.
  • Ending credits scene of Lois, Peter, and a raccoon faking everything.
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