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And the Wiener Is ...

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And the Wiener Is ...
Season 3, Episode 6
Holy Crap, That's a Big Dick!
Air date September 8, 2000
List of Episodes
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One if by Clam, Two if by Sea 		Next
Blind Ambition

And the Wiener Is ... is the sixth episode of the third season of Family Guy. It is the forty-seventh episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

When Peter becomes jealous of the Chris' physical assets, he joins a gun club to overcompensate for his small size. But when they go on a hunting trip, it takes brains, not brawn, to save them. Meanwhile, Meg finds herself the target of the "cool" kids' wrath at school.

Plot[]

Peter is sure his son Chris will never beat him at anything, from stacking dinnerware on top of their heads, to three legged races, and playing basketball. But, after doing the latter, when Peter and Chris are in the sauna at the gym naked, Peter suddenly discovers that Chris has a bigger penis than he does. Suddenly insecure, Peter buys a long, red car, in which he drives in and out of a tunnel imitating sexual penetration. Later, he joins the National Gun Association because he thinks that it will make up for the size of his own penis and goes on a hunting trip alongside Chris and his father Francis. On a hunting trip, a bear attacks Peter and Francis, but Chris drives away the bear that threatened to kill them both, and saves Peter's life. With t and the two reconcile.

Meanwhile, Meg tries out for the cheerleading squad but is accepted into the flag girl squad instead. At the game, she is pelted with rancid meat, and Lois devises a plan for revenge when Meg is invited to a party. Meg is reluctant at first, and is tricked into kissing a pig. Lois reveals her backup plan, to have Quagmire scar them for life.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

[Peter, Francis, Meg and Chris are participating in a three-legged race]
Francis: Now, Peter, Chris, remember that we are a team in this. And we have to work together so that our steps-
Peter: Hey, Chris? You wanna race?
Chris: You're on!
Peter: [fast] On your mark, get set, go!
Meg: Wait, lardasses no-!
[Peter and Chris suddenly start running before the race started dragging Meg and Francis by their ankle as Meg screamed while being knocked around]
Francis: [while being knocked] Peter, stop! It didn't start yet! Kill me!
Peter: First to where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States for her severely burned face she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win!
[Meg goes up to the cheerleading quad tryouts]
Meg: Hey, guys.
Connie: What do you want, Meg?
Meg: I'm here to try out for cheerleading.
Connie: You wanna be a cheerleader? You know, Meg, Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden. Why don't you try the flag girl squad?
Peter: I'm better than him at everything. Sports, video games, even magic tricks.
[Cutaway to Chris playing a magic trick with Peter]
Chris: Ha-ha. Got your nose.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Well, I got your face.
[Peter rips Chris' entire face of and he runs around screaming in pain]
Chris: AAAAH! AAAAHHH! AAAAAAAH!!!!!!
Lois: Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.
Joe: Face it, sooner or later you'll have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud, I gave him a little congratulatory punch in the arm. Then another. Then everything got hazy. Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while. Anyway, It's inevitable.
Peter: Aw, Don't feel bad, Joe. I think I know why your son beat you. Apparently, you're a 12-year-old prepubescent girl. Which is good, cuz now I finally have someone to give this training bra to. [Peter takes out a bra and puts it on Joe] Here, Josephina. Does it feel good on your new budding bosoms? [moves Joe's mouth and imitates a girl's voice] It sure does, Peter-
Joe: GET THE HELL OFF ME!!!
Meg: Hey, everybody, guess what I am.
Stewie: Oh, the end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a broken prophylactic?
Meg: We perform at all the football games. I'm practically a cheerleader!
Lois: Oh, Meg. That's wonderful. Isn't that wonderful, Peter?
Peter: [ignoring them] Hey, way to go, Stewie.
Brian: So, you're a flag girl. That's great, Meg.
Stewie: Yes, yes ... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
[Brian and Stewie both snicker nastily]
Neil: Say, Meg, looking sharp. You want to go out after the game tonight?
Meg: Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you.
Neil: Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe? [Neil smokes a corncob pipe]
Connie: Uncool people are like animals.
Gina: Hey, you wanna go feed the science club after school?
[Stewie can see his breath in the cold weather and pretends he's smoking]
Stewie: [puffs] Look at me. [puffs] Look at me, I'm smoking. Dog, dog, look, look ...
[Brian completely ignores him and just drinks from his flask]
Stewie: You know, Alcohol doesn't really make you warmer. It constricts the blood vessels, causing-
Brian: Shut up.
Stewie: [gasps]
[Stewie tugs on Lois' scarf to try and get her attention]
Stewie: The dog just told me to shut up! I demand to know what you plan to do about this. Hey! Hey! The dog just told me-
Lois: Be quiet, Stewie.
Stewie: [puffs] Freezing my nips off out here.
Lois: Oh, Peter, isn't she beautiful?
Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night.
Lois: I mean Meg.
Peter: Oh, oh, yeah ... Yeah, she's hot.
[Chris knocks down Peter in a basketball game and scores a slam dunk]
Peter: Come on, ref! That's charging!
Francis: Your feet were moving. No foul.
Peter: No foul?! Oh, that's a stupid call!
Francis: Peter, I know something about stupid calls.
[Cutaway gag to Thelma receiving a phone call from Francis]
Thelma: Uh, Hello?
Francis: Uh, Thelmy? I can't take out the garbage cuz I'm at the office a-and they're making me stay late.
Thelma: Francis, you don't work anymore and the called ID says you're calling from the bedroom. In fact, I can see you.
[Francis is seen in the bedroom, eating chicken on the other end of the line; Francis walks backwards, out of sight]
Francis: Can you see me now?
Thelma: No.
Francis: Okay, now I'm at the office.
Francis: Score is tied, next basket wins. Chris, you might finally beat your old man.
Peter: What are you talking about, "old man"!? I'm not the one with grey hair that's balding.
Francis: Ouch.
Peter: Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang!
Lois: Thanks to me!?
Peter: Well, he didn't get it from me!
[Lois sees Chris' giant penis]
Lois: Oh my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
Peter: You must be so ashamed of me.
Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: [distraught] OH MY GOD!!!
Stewie: Megan, you must try the brisket. I'll serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed.
[Stewie flings a slab of brisket at Meg]
Meg: Oh! [runs away, crying]
Stewie: Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool.
Meg: You guys want tomorrow's biology test?
Doug: Whoa! How'd you get that?
Meg: I spent the night with Mr. Berler.
[Cutaway gag to Meg staying up all night with some garlic and a wooden stake by Mr. Berler's bed, while he sleeps with a giant cross]
Mr. Berler: Ah, the sun's up. I'm safe for another night. Thanks, Meg.
Tyler: Hey, you wanna go push the janitor, knowing he can't legally push us back?
[Chris finds some plantains]
Chris: Hey, dad. Look at these little bananas! Ha ha ha!
Peter: Why, you smart little bastard!
Lois: Peter! [to Chris] Chris, these are plantains and there's nothing wrong with them. In fact, a lot of women prefer them to normal sized bananas because they're exotic and flavorful and very, very special.
Peter: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, sure Lois. All the sorority girls are clamoring for the plantain section. [makes a jabber hand in her face] Stop with thiiiis!
Brian: Look, Peter, you-you're overreacting to this Chris stuff. I mean ... I mean, mine goes inside of me, when I stand up. How do you think I feel?
Chris: Is dad mad at me?
Lois: Oh, of course not, honey. Now, go pick out a box of cereal and meet me in the 10 inches or less line ... ITEMS!
Peter: Ow, my pride.
Meg: Mom, you were right! I was nice to the cool kids and they didn't spit on me. Connie Demico even invited me to her sweet 16.
Lois: Oh, Meg, that's wonderful! Now, what time do we nail those snot-nosed punks!?
Meg: Nail them? You told me to win them over with kindness.
Lois: Yes, and now that they think you're their friend, it's the perfect time to exact your revenge.
Meg: Revenge?
Lois: See, Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel: Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your [oven timer bleeps out her profanity] eyes out! Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate-chip?
[Peter messes with a shotgun and Lois comes in]
Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing with that?
Peter: You want to touch it? Go on. Careful. We don't want it to get too excited and go off in your hand.
Brian: Peter's jealous of the size of your penis.
Chris: Oh, that's fair. He is older than me after all, and I'm only 13. So, that fact that he-Whaaaaa?
Chris: I'm a freak.
Stewie: Oh, don't despair. We'll just hang a tire on the end of it and head on down to the old swimming hole.
NGA Guy: Remember, guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.
Peter: This is just the thing I was looking for, Chris. a nice time where we can show a masculinity. And also, [to Francis] for me to have some father-son time.
Francis: Yeah, whatever…I'm only coming with you since I have an urge to shoot something and Thelma says I can't shoot you as an option.
[Meg leaves Connie's party, and throws up since she kissed a pig]
Meg: Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan!
Lois: I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.
[Back at Connie's party, Quagmire comes to the door for a little visit]
Quagmire: Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18?! You're first.
Connie: Uh, Mom?
Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggity-giggity-gigg-gity.
[Peter, Francis and Chris are approached by a grizzly bear on their hunting trip]
Peter: Don't worry, Chris, We'll handle the bear.
Francis: Say hello to Satan for us!
[Unfortunately, the bear knocked the shotgun off Peter's hands, thus leaving him defenseless and lifts Peter up as Francis looks, scared]
Peter: Ahh! Holy crap! Dad, help!!
Francis: Peter!
[As Francis caught off guard, the bear knocked the shotgun out Francis' hands, leaving him too defenseless. Francis screams flinching back as Peter screamed for his life. While screaming, his life flashed before his eyes, starting on the day he was born. With a doctor giving a younger Francis and Thelma the newborn Peter.]
Other Doctor: It's a boy, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
Young Thelma: D'awww. He's so cute.
Young Francis: I guessing adoption's now out of the equation.
Young Thelma: Francis! Don't say that in front of Petey.
[Peter is shown as a little kid, kicking at a soccer ball and missing; A doctor is seen behind him, talking to his mom and dad]
Doctor: I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
Young Francis: [to Thelma] Ha! I knew it! [Thelma slaps him] Ow.
[Peter sits with his mom as they talk with his 4th grade teacher]
4th Grade Teacher: Looks like he's gunna have to repeat the fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin.
[Peter and his mom sit with another 4th grade teacher in the same class]
Other 4th Grade Teacher: Looks like he's going to have to repeat the fourth grade, Mrs Griffin.
[Another 4th grade teacher is shown sitting at his desk]
Other Other 4th Grade Teacher: Congratulations, you've passed the fourth grade, Mr. Griffin.
[Camera zooms out and Peter is shown with him as a full-grown adult]
Peter: Aw, great! Listen, I gotta leave though. I'm going hunting with my son.
Chris: Grampa, I know what to do! I saw it on FOX's When Bears Attack! [to the bear while waving his arms at him] Go away! Go on, get! Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal! This Thursday night 7/6 c on ABC!
[This worked as Chris' actions managed to intimidate the bear, causing it drop Peter and wander away from the three]
Francis: [comes to embrace Peter] Peter, you're okay! Chris, that was amazing! I mean, I-I just froze up. But...you handled that bear like a real man!
Peter: Thanks, Chris. [pats him on the shoulder] We're proud of ya, son.
Chris: You are? 'Cause I heard what you said about my huge... [looks down at his crotch] ...you know.
Peter: Oh. Oh, y-you heard that, huh? Heh. Well, I-I was just bein' stupid. Take it from us, that thing you got there is a blessing.
Francis: Your father's right. I mean-I mean, e-every guy you see with a big house or a fancy car or a shiny gold tooth is really just sayin', "Don't look at my penis". But you'll never have to worry about that.
Chris: Thanks Dad and Grampa.
Peter: Now, come on guys. Let's forget this hunting trip and go home.
[The three begin to leave to go back home]
Chris: You know, Dad. I just realized something. Your name's "Peter".
Peter: [chuckles] You're right it is. [chortles] Peter.
[Peter laughed some more before being joined by Chris and Francis as the three continued their trek back to the car]
Peter: Peter.

Songs[]

Trivia[]

  • The American Dad! episode “Stannie Get Your Gun” also features the National Gun Association. The writers of this episode, Matt Weitzman and Mike Barker would co-create American Dad! with Seth MacFarlane.
  • When Stewie warns Brian about drinking to get warm, he says it’s because alcohol constricts the blood vessels, while in reality, it dilates the blood vessels outside of the body’s core, causing blood to collect under the skin, lowering the body’s temperature.
  • The character Peter throws darts with at the bar, who later gets in a tussle with his wife, is Andy Capp.
  • The marching band plays Eddy Grant’s 1983 song “Electric Avenue”.
  • Peter refers to himself as “the white Larry Bird,” despite the fact that the NBA star is, in fact, white.
  • Chris mentioned a Fox show Ally McBeal. Ironically, the show ended a year after Family Guy was canceled for the first time in 2001.
  • This is the first episode to visit Peter's birth.
  • When Peter fires his gun at home, he has to reload after every shot, but when he is “writing his name in the snow”, he is shown shooting multiple times in a row.

Cultural References[]

  • The title is a pun on the phrase "And the winner is...", the quote said by a competition host preceding the name reveal.
  • After Brian threw a snowball at Stewie, Stewie says: "Made my brown eye blue with that one", referencing the Crystal Gayle song "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue" and the oft slang reference to the anus as a 'brown eye' and flesh turning blue in the cold. Stewie then attacks Brian with a snowball cannon, exclaiming, "Now is the winter of your discontent", paraphrasing a line from Richard III by William Shakespeare.
  • In a fantasy sequence, Stewie sings Elton John’s "Rocket Man", imitating William Shatner’s infamous performance of the song at a 1978 science fiction film awards ceremony.
  • On the NGA’s shooting range, an Imperial Stormtrooper from the Star Wars film series shoots a cutout of Luke Skywalker and misses. Also on the shooting range, a blind man is seen shooting and "hitting the broad side of a barn", as the saying goes.
  • The NGA’s cartoon featuring 'Petey the Pistol' is a parody of the NRA’s cartoons featuring Eddie Eagle.
  • The NGA film ends with the lesson, "Guns don’t kill people; dangerous minorities do." This is a parody of National Rifle Association's slogan "Guns don’t kill people; people kill people."
  • While hunting, Peter takes the name Rooster Cogburn, the main character of the 1969 western True Grit.
  • Lois references the skater Nancy Kerrigan when she was talking about "the one that got what she had coming".
  • Chris mentions a special called Where Bears Attack, something that sounds like the FOX special

Errors[]

  • When Peter beats Andy at darts Cleveland is seen holding a mug of beer but when Andy's wife enters the bar, Cleveland has a glass of milk.
  • When the family is at the table. Peter drinks milk and then they go to Stewie. Stewie is cutting brown meat and seems to have mashed potatoes or something. After the angle changes, there is red-pink meat, which hasn't been cut, with what looks spinach.
  • When Meg turns to Neil at her locker, the top of her boots change colors from orange to yellow and then back.
  • During the football game, the ball receiver is clearly African American, but his hands are white before he grabs the ball. Once he grabs the ball and turns, his hands instantly turn to his skin color.
  • After Meg is hit by the lunch meat, Peter is still holding his hot dog. The meat was originally white, but when the hot dog is lifted in the "ready-to-throw" position, the meat turns brown.
  • When Meg is performing her act, the blonde girl next to her doesn't have a big butt. However, when the scene cuts back to her, she has a big butt again from then and towards the scene where Peter throws the hot dog at Meg.
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