And Then There Were Fewer/Transcript

This is the fanon transcript of "And Then There Were Fewer".

Script

(The Family Guy Theme Song plays, then cuts to a shot of the Griffin Residence, before showing Peter watching TV)
TV Announcer: We now return to Law & Order.
(We then cut to a scene with Lennie Briscoe and Ed Green interrogating a suspect)
Lennie Briscoe: Alright, we know you were at the scene of the crime! We HAVE the evidence!
Suspect: I'm not telling you nothin'!
Lennie Briscoe: Oh ... then this interrogation is pointless.
Ed Green: Yeah, I guess you're free to go then.
Suspect: What? Really? Okay!
(The Suspect gets up and starts to exit the room. When he opens the door, someone dressed as The Scream jumps out, and scares him. The suspect runs backward, screaming and crashes into the chair, falling over. Ed and Lennie proceed to laugh at him, while "The Scream" takes off his mask, revealing himself to be Jack McCoy)
Jack McCoy: Oh! We got him!
Lennie Briscoe: Oh! I can't believe you were actually gunna do it! Hahahahahaha!
(The suspect realizes it's a joke, and looks back at them, in anger, while gasping for air)
Ed Green: Man, that is classic. Thanks for helping us out with this, Jack.
Jack McCoy: Hey, no problem. We all needed a little refresher, to make the workload more bearable.
Ed Green: Yeah, tell me about it. This made my whole week right here.
Jack McCoy: Alright, well, I'm getting back to work.
Ed Green: Aright, man.
(Jack McCoy exits; Lennie Briscoe and Ed Green start to calm down a bit)
Lennie Briscoe: [to the suspect] Okay, put the chair back up. Time to watch the surveillance footage.
(We then cut to Peter. Lois walks into the room)
Peter: (Sighs), I wish I was a cool, wise-cracking detective like Lennie Briscoe.
Lois: Watching crime shows again? You know what happened the last time you got hooked on Law & Order ...
(We then cut to a scene with Lois dropping a jar of peanut butter on the floor.)
Lois: Ah, damn it!
(Peter walks in the frame, dressed in a trenchcoat and fedora and holding a magnifying glass up to his eye)
Peter: Looks like the floor's gone nuts.
(Peter looks at the camera and the traditional Law & Order intro music then plays in the background for several seconds)
Peter: Yeah, so? Can you blame me? That show is one of the best crime shows ever made. Dick Wolf, I salute you!
(An American flag waves behind Peter. We then cut to the outside of the Griffin household again. Peter walks out the front door and checks the mail)
Peter: Bills, bills, crap, crap, more crap, more crap ... oh my God!
(We then cut to Lois and Brian sitting on the couch. Peter bursts in)
Peter: Lois! You're not going to believe this! We won ... a weekend's vacation at the Quinton Stately Mansion!
Lois: Oh, how exciting!
Peter: It says that Algernon Quinton is opening the Mansion for all to visit for the weekend, and that they'll have plenty fes-titties!
Lois: Uh, Peter ... don't you mean "Festivities"?
Peter: Yeah, Fes-titties.
Lois: (Sigh)
Brian: Wait, you're not really going. This is clearly a scam.
Lois: Oh, no it's not, Brian.
Brian: It is. This letter has to be from some corrupt financial company. It's best you just ignore that letter. Who knows what they really want from you.
Lois: Well, you know, I'm pretty excited about this. Our family staying in a deluxe mansion is gunna be fun!
(We then hear commotion outside. Peter and Lois run outside to see the neighbors of Spooner Street at their mailboxes)
Joe: Alright! Woo! I'm going to a mansion!
Quagmire: Wow! A weekend's vacation! Heh heh, allllriiight!
Herbert: Well osh-bosh-bigosh! Jesse, I'm staying at a mansion for the weekend!
Lois: Looks like everyone got the same invitation.
Peter: (Groans), I never get anything exclusive!
Lois: Peter, this IS an exclusive gift! We're staying at a mansion! Come on! Lighten up! Remember, they have all those festivities!
Peter: Oh...hehehehehe, yeah, I forgot. I'm gonna eat all the fes-titties that they have! I'm a one-man fes-tittie eating machine!
Lois: (Facepalm)
(We cut to The Griffins loading up the car. Brian is standing next to Lois, while reading the letter)
(Peter walks into frame, carrying a bunch of stuffed toys.)
Lois: Peter, you're not taking all those toys with you.
Peter: (Whining) But I WANNA take them all!
Lois: Too bad. There's not enough room in the trunk. Choose only 5 of them.
Peter: (Whining) NOOOOOOO! I wanna choose 16! There's 16 of these!
Meg: Man, just deal with it, dad. You know, I never got to take ANY of my toys in the car as a kid.
(Cutaway to Meg, at the age of 5. Peter and Lois are in the living room and they call her downstairs)
Lois: Meg, it's time to go on our first family vacation!
(Meg runs into frame, carrying a bunny doll)
Meg: Yaaaaay! Can Mr. Snuggles come along?
Lois: Meg, we've been over this, before. No toys in the car.
Meg: But, Mommy! I can't spend a whole week away from Mr. Snuggles! You have to make room for him. Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeease!
(Lois and Peter look at each other. We cut to Peter and Lois in the car, with Mr. Snuggles riding in the booster seat in the back)
Lois: Bye, Meg. See you in a week. Have a nice staycation.
(Lois and Peter drive away, revealing Meg, standing in the driveway, crying. We cut back to the present, where The Griffins get into the car)
Lois: Everybody ready?
Peter: Aw, it's just not gunna be as special, now that everyone else is gunna be there too.
Lois: Oh, stop your griping, Peter, and just enjoy the ride.
(Lois and Peter drive away, revealing Meg to still be in the driveway, taking her luggage to the car)
Meg: (Shouting) ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING SERIOUS!?