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Live in Vegas
All Cartoons Are Fuckin' Dicks is a song from "Family Guy: Live in Las Vegas", sung by Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, and Mila Kunis as The Griffin Family. It would later be recycled into the episode "200 Episodes Later", where it would be shortened and censored for television.

Lyrics

Live in Las Vegas

Peter: On Friday, I had drinks with Barney Rubble.
We hit a couple divey little bars.
We noticed there was quite a lovely lady,
Sittin' at the table next to ours.
Now, Barney, who was pretty friggin' wasted,
Got up and stumbled over with a groan.
He said, "Hey, just between us,
My neanderthalic penis
Is as massive as a stegosaurus bone.

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from bein' pricks.
It's a quirk we just can't fix,
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks.

Meg (Speaking): Did Barney really say that?
Peter (Speaking): Oh, yeah. He is a bastard.
Lois (Speaking): Wow.
Peter (Speaking): And he-And he really does not give a damn about the feelings of women.
Meg (Speaking): That makes me feel-
Peter (Speaking): Shut up, Meg. Anyway, like I said, he's a chauvinist pig and It's sad. It's really sad.
Brian (Speaking): Well, if you think that's bad, listen to this.

Brian: One day I met an ape of great charisma.
Magilla the Gorilla was his name.
He wore a little hat and matching bowtie.
A fashion, which has brought him great acclaim.
I said "What do you see as your career peak,
Of all your many flashy escapades?"
He said "Well, this is funky,
But you're lookin' at the monkey,
Who's responsible for bringing you the AIDS.

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk we just can't fix,
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks.

Peter (Speaking): So he's the culprit.
Stewie (Speaking): I say, that is just awful.
Brian (Speaking): Yeah, and I don't know how true this is, but you know how people say, this was first transferred to a Canadian flight attendant?
Peter (Speaking): Yeah?
Brian (Speaking): Well, I don't even think that their little "transaction" was consensual on his side.
Lois (Speaking): Okay, okay, listen to this little gem.

Lois: I had a conversation at a party,
With famous rabbit hunter, Elmer Fudd.
He told me, I just had to see his rifle,
And dropped it on the table with a "thud".
I said to him, "It's quite a lovely firearm."
He told me, his fiance likes it too.
He said "This may be corny,
But it really gets me horny,
When I press it to her temple, while we screw."

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk, we just can't fix
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks.

Peter (Speaking): Oh, God. That is one sick bastard.
Stewie (Speaking): Ooh, you're not kidding.
Brian (Speaking): Yeah, that uh, that kind of stuff is against the law too, I think.
Chris (Speaking): Well, Brian, as we just heard, your details on a lot of things are foggy, but I got one that's even worse than that!

Chris: On Friday night I went to get some candy,
Some soda, and come chips, and other stuff.
Along the way, I passed a little alley,
And there I saw that canine called McGruff.
I said to him "Hey, you're that famous crime dog!"
He said "I only work from nine to five,
But now it's close to ten-ish,
And I've got a job to finish,
And as you can see, this hooker's still alive."

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk, we just can't fix,
Cuz all cartoon are fuckin' dicks.

Meg (Speaking): That's awful!
Stewie (Speaking): Ugh, McGruff, beating up hookers.
Peter (Speaking): He is a dick. He is a dick!!
Chris (Speaking): I tried to call the cops, but they let him off easy, because he was part of their crew.
Brian (Speaking): So, his police force is corrupt!? [scoff] Bite out of crime, my ass.
[Everybody snickers]
Brian (Speaking): What?
Stewie (Speaking): Brian, listen to the words that come out of your mouth. Some terms and phrases should not go together.
Chris (Speaking): Yeah, Brian. You may have named it "crime", but we still don't wanna bite it.
Brian (Speaking): Huh? I-I don't-
Peter (Speaking): Brian, now you're being even grosser than McGruff.
Brian (Speaking): What? What? What are you guys talking about? I'm gross?
Stewie (Speaking): Yes, yes, he's a nasty cartoon, but I can top that. Listen to this.

Stewie: One day, as I was strolling through the forest,
I happened on some mushroom covered turf,
And there, from underneath a patch of fungus,
Emerged the one and only Papa Smurf.
He said "This is our secret mushroom village."
I said "Then, I'm the first to see these views?"
He said "I'm only kiddin',
Cuz we only keep it hidden,
From the Asians, Arabs, faggots, blacks, and Jews.

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk, we just can't fix,
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks!

Lois (Speaking): That Papa Smurf sounds like a monster.
Stewie (Speaking): Oh, he is a dirty, nasty racist, and a bigot, and a homophobe, and you know what I did, when I got home?
Brian (Speaking): What?
Stewie (Speaking): I called up Gargamel and I told him where the village is.
[Everybody laughs]
Peter: Sweet!
Meg: Can I go next?
Lois: Of course, sweetie.

Meg: One day, I met a mouse, who's name was Mickey.
He lived quaint and simple little life,
But once, I heard him furiously shouting,
in anger, which he took out on his-
Peter (Speaking): Holy, crap! Look, who's here! It's Jason Alexander!
Jason Alexander (Speaking): Hey, there, Cartoon haters!
Chris (Speaking): What brings you to Vegas?
Jason Alexander (Speaking): Just thought I'd drop in for a song.
Brian (Speaking): Well, let's heart it.
Meg (Speaking): But, but I was supposed to go next.
Lois (Speaking): Quiet, honey. Mr. Alexander wants to talk.

Jason Alexander (Speaking): I couldn’t help overhearing what you were talking about, and I agree. Cartoons are real fuckin’ assholes.
Brian (Speaking): Yeah, that’s, uh, ... sorta what we’ve been trying to communicate.
Jason Alexander (Speaking): Well, get a load of this.
Peter (Speaking): Heheheheheh, hey, Lois. Did you hear that? he said "Load."
Lois (Speaking): Aha, Ahahaha! I know. I know, I heard!

Jason Alexander: I once met Scooby Doo at a premiere bash.
He looked a little haggard and he stunk.
He said, "The trouble started last December,
When Daphne made a pass while she was drunk."
And now he’s got a child out of wedlock.
It’s dealing his career a fatal blow.
I asked him, "Where’s the baby?"
He said, "Jason, buddy, maybe
Now you see why fuckin' Scrappy’s gotta go!"

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It’s a quirk we just can’t fix,
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks.

Peter (Speaking): Wow, Scrappy is the bastard child of Scooby and Daphne.
Jason Alexander (Speaking): Shocking, isn't it?
Peter (Speaking): Yeah. Hey, you douche bags wanna wrap this up?

Chorus: So let us leave you now with one suggestion,
A bit of wisdom you can take for free.
The Mickeys and the Goofys and the Daffys,
Are not the gentle souls they seem to be.
So any time Sylvester catches Tweety,
Or Tom has got poor Jerry in a fix.
He's in a fix.
Sit back and just observe it,
Cuz the little shits deserve it,
Cuz all cartoons are fucking dicks!

Stewie (Speaking): So, when do we get to the off-color part of the album?

Televised Version

Note: Every use and variant of the word "fuck" is bleeped out.

Peter: On Friday, I had drinks with Barney Rubble.
We hit a couple divey little bars.
We noticed there was quite a lovely lady,
Sittin' at the table next to ours.
Now, Barney, who was pretty friggin' wasted,
Got up and stumbled over with a groan.
He said, "Hey, just between us,
My neanderthalic penis
Is as massive as a stegosaurus bone.

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from bein' pricks.
It's a quirk we just can't fix,
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks.

Brian: One day I met an ape of great charisma.
Magilla the Gorilla was his name.
He wore a little hat and matching bowtie.
A fashion, which has brought him great acclaim.
I said "What do you see as your career peak,
Of all your many flashy escapades?"
He said "Well, this is funky,
But you're lookin' at the monkey,
Who's responsible for bringing you the AIDS.

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk we just can't fix,
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks.

Lois: I had a conversation at a party,
With famous rabbit hunter, Elmer Fudd.
He told me, I just had to see his rifle,
And dropped it on the table with a "thud".
I said to him, "It's quite a lovely firearm."
He told me, his fiance likes it too.
He said "This may be corny,
But it really gets me horny,
When I press it to her temple, while we screw."

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk, we just can't fix
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks.

Chris: On Friday night I went to get some candy,
Some soda, and come chips, and other stuff.
Along the way, I passed a little alley,
And there I saw that canine called McGruff.
I said to him "Hey, you're that famous crime dog!"
He said "I only work from nine to five,
But now it's close to ten-ish,
And I've got a job to finish,
And as you can see, this hooker's still alive."

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk, we just can't fix,
Cuz all cartoon are fuckin' dicks.

Stewie: One day, as I was strolling through the forest,
I happened on some mushroom covered turf,
And there, from underneath a patch of fungus,
Emerged the one and only Papa Smurf.
He said "This is our secret mushroom village."
I said "Then, I'm the first to see these views?"
He said "I'm only kiddin',
Cuz we only keep it hidden,
From the Asians, Arabs, homos, blacks, and Jews.

All cartoons are fuckin' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk, we just can't fix,
Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks!

Meg: One day, I met a-
Peter (Speaking): Whoa, would you look at the time. Sorry, Meg, but we gotta wrap this thing up.
Meg (Speaking): Seriously?
Peter (Speaking): Yep.
Meg (Speaking): You're a dick, dad.
Peter (Speaking): Of course, I am,
Peter: Cuz all cartoons are fuckin' dicks!

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